Littlemess25

First of all, I wanted to say thank you to all the strangers who have given me advise the last few days. It has been so hard, and it still is.

Today, my daughters father reached out to me. I responded and I was different this time.

He still gave me the whole run around about he 'promises he is never going to relapse again'

This time I said, we need more than that. We need a 'plan of action' and told him what he can expect to happen if he does not follow through.

Then I blocked him.

I did not entertain his anger. I did not respond to his fury. I just simply laid out what the plan of action would be, and stopped.

Usually I respond to him, until he blocks me. To unblock me again when he feels hes available to talk. Not today. Today I took back control for myself, and i also made him reach out first to me to discuss our daughter.

I realize this sounds small. But for me its huge. I set this up and i have every intention of sticking to the plan of action.

Please someone root for me!! baby steps

Bobbieka

Not small at all. Definitely rooting for you! Way to go!

Littlemess25

For the record- the plan of action is set in place in order to have him show he is serious about sobriety and being a father, keep me from going to court and getting primary custody and having visitation with a court appointed mediator/supervisor. I REALLY do not want to get court involved, so this is his last chance to change.

The plan of action is not in reference to me and him getting back together.

Littlemess25

thank you Bobbieka. I became very codependent so im trying to get better myself now.

Ann

It's all one baby step at a time. I think that was a big step for you, well done.

It is very empowering to make decisions that are good for US, without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

Hugs

Littlemess25

Thank you so much. He wants to video chat with our daughter tonight. so I told him he could with certain expectations. he used to video chat with her, in a car full of friends, or our drinking and stuff. granted she is only 1, but still, I feel that a video chat with his daughter should be personal and sentimental. And I do not find it appropriate to get in the habit of those types of calls. So hopefully I am being responsible and can avoid as much emotional trauma for my daughter as possible. I decided to give him one last opportunity to show that he is serious about fatherhood and sobriety. So if he does what we agreed to, we can remain out of court. But if he slips again I guess I have to put it in the eyes of a judge I really hope that im doing the right thing

Sephra

I REALLY do not want to get court involved, so this is his last chance to change.**
While I can understand and respect this sentiment, I would caution it also. When you get the courts involved, it takes a lot of manipulation power away. For a long time I tried to play nice with my ex, but without a court order he was able to manipulate me if I wanted to see any child support, etc. Once the court told him he had too, he could be mad at the court and system instead of me. Take it for what it's worth, but something to think about.

Sephra

Ah, forgot to say.... GOOD on you! Stick to your boundaries... I know its hard, but you ARE doing good. and I too am rooting for you!

Littlemess25

I realize a lot of things would be easier for me if we go to court. A lot of things would also be harder for me as well. I work full time and have our daughter full time. So finding the time to get to court, do the paperwork, bring her to visitations at the court house (which I would do at this point) doing all the stuff for court would put added stress on me in another aspect.
He actually doesn't mind paying the child support we agreed to, and typically does it willingly, basically every week. He has failed probably twice in the last 8 months. So I am not all that worried about the money aspect of things. It's just I cannot have our daughter grow up seeing him how he has been recently. So I am hoping that he remains sober, and setting these boundaries and me leaving him alone will be the most beneficial outcome. Which all of that is ridiculously hard to do.

He showed up last weekend with 8 marks on both his arms total.
I have been codependent on him for nearly 10 years.

He's addicted to drugs. I'm addicted to love. But now we have a baby, and I need to keep my daughter as innocent as I can for as long as I can. I need to do the right thing.

Ann

Keep your eye on the road, your recovery road, and do what is right for your child.

I am glad you can support yourself with or without his help, and it is good that he has been mostly on time with child support.

I hope your boundaries will be respected.

Hugs