Iwishonstars777

It's been a couple months since my xaf and I "officially broke up" (whatever that is). It was me who did it. I sought after the truth and found he slept with multiple girls during our relationship, while in active addiction. Even while I was pregnant. Ugh. How disgusting that made me feel. And that's what lead up to me breaking up with him. If he's done it before while together...why wouldn't he do it again?? Do you think that part would be different sober?
So, I'm not sure if I was looking for an "excuse" or if I really needed to know the truth to break it off. Actually, I've been having a really hard time understanding myself. Even though this is something I wanted, to be away from him, I doubt my decision. But then I doubt my doubts. And it goes around and around and around. I can't help but think the past will come back around and repeat its self. My mind has been in overdrive after him asking me if he can have another chance (after multiple attempts of asking me). Nothing is ever simple with me, especially explanations. My reply to him is no. No I don't want to be with you. I need time to be a better person because I was not a good person with you or to you. I start school this week. Which will be a miracle in my books because I hate school, but went after something I thought of for yearrrs. That my xaf doesn't approve of. But I plan on accomplishing and succeeding during and after. So, after our conversation that night, I broke down. I've been in this state for about a week now. I cry at the thought of him, I get teary eyed when the girls talk about him. My heart hurts to see couples or read those stupid articles on facebook. I told him last night pretty much I needed to not talk to him for a quick minute. I'm not sure what good this is going to do but oh well. I want to text/call him, but I cant.
Also, during our conversation, he mentioned, because if you don't want to be with me I need to move on, and there is this girl I'd like to see. Ugh. There goes my heart...sunk..to me feet. Another female. Who has cool tattoos and piercings in the right places. Who is also a recovering soemthing...he met her in the rooms. And I can only imagine what she looks like. I'm jealous because it should be me with him. She don't know ****, but unfortunately I went through the **** with him, and that's why we are where we are.
I am so confused. Oh yeah, he asked to sleep with me and just "pretend" like we're in a relationship together..OK so baby mama privileges as long as we don't see other people. Grrr! I get it, he's hurt and he'll do a thing to have any bit of me. Confused, because I don't know what to do. Regardless of all the dirty, low down, horrible, selfish, illegal things he's done, I still love him. Not sure why. Is there such thing as ptsd from being in a relationship with an addict? Because I seriously feel like he fd me up, I fd me up, we fd me up. It's hard for me to really picture myself with anyone else but him. Maybe fantasize, but not picture, if that makes sense. I thought I'd have more time to work on myself and work through things. I know better though, he would find someone else. But here's me with 2 kids, a part time job that doesn't leave me any extra money and school-night classes. Living at my parents, with a vehicle that's probably not going to make it through the winter (that he's fd up in ways). And our dog. He gets off Scott free with his previous marriages child support, and $200 a month for rent, and a $30 car insurance payment. He has no responsibility of kids or the dog, doesn't have to worry about a sitter or working around having kids. And he's met someone. I'm not sure if I should be happy, or if I should still sulk in the decision I made and am now doubting. I know I need to give myself time, but for him, I don't think time will allow...especially if he has an opportunity with this chick.
I don't understand myself at all. It's like I feel with my heart and head at the same time and can't decipher between which is which. It drives me nuts! I think aboUT our past and I remember why I made my decision, but I think if the present and want time, and I think of the future and what could be if we were together.

Maybe it's a vent, I'm not sure. I wish things and decisions were easier. I wish there was someone who knew me very well and understood me..because I dont. It sucks getting all emotional in front of the kids, especially my 4 year old who I think is wise beyond her years. (Ah yes, who says daddy doesn't live with us because he takes all mommy's money and we fight. And that makes her sad). Can you say heart broken?
Why god? Really, why me???

Hechosedrugs

IWish,

First of all, congrats on going back to school! That is a tremendous step for you to take amidst all of this chaos. It's such a gift to give to your kids- not only will you be able to provide better for them, but you'll be setting an example to them about how to really study and dedicate yourself to your education. Kudos!

Now, on to the nitty gritty. There's a saying with cheaters (and it applies to addicts, too)- whatever they have told you... expect the truth to be much worse. Rarely do they give us the full story. So if your ex admitted to sleeping with 3 girls, it's probably closer to 4 or 5. If he said it was going on for a month, try 6 months, maybe a year. If he said there's a tatted up gem he's interested in, but is refraining from "going there" (because he's clearly such a master of self-restraint)- expect that they're already sleeping together. I don't really understand the math, but this is what I've learned, based on personal experience and the many stories I've heard/read.

As I said, this also applies to addiction. So if he says he hasn't used for a month, maybe it's more like a few days. If he says he only took one "dose" maybe he was on the brink of overdose.

Anyway...

He hasn't been in recovery very long, I don't think? So that's not working in your favor.

Also, he's basically threatening you with hooking up with this girl if you don't give him what he wants (you), presumably right now, because after all, hot-n-ready is just waiting like a shadow that follows his suddenly chaste, only-have-eyes-for-you self.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but please see through these manipulations. I've found a great resource for victims of cheaters and would be happy to share it with you if you'd like. I don't want to post it here because I'm not sure if it would be considered advertising (though I have no affiliation with the site). PM me if you're interested.

Stay strong. You'll get through this.

Iwishonstars777

Thank you hechosedrugs!
Thank you for putting into persepective the cheating, the using drugs...and manipulation. Now, what if he really is telling the truth and I'm just dismissing it? I don't get myself. I broke up with him and now I had been rethinking it. I really want to trust him/believe him but no part of me wants to. But I can't help but think, what if. I wanted to spend my life with him. We have kids together. Family is very important to me. I also feel like I will be blamed and it will be my fault for our family being separated when the kids get old enough to understand. I really wish I didn't have to think so much about everything. I know regardless, my life will be fine without him but I do want him in my life. I need a balance.
Let's just say, dreams have been crushed, demolished.

zoso77

When you get a chance, shoot me a PM, and we'll talk.

Ann

Could it be that what you miss is not the nightmare life you have had with him, but the dream of "if only" of how you would have loved things to be?

The reality is that he is a cheater who is using you and breaking your heart. Your hurt is valid but it's up to you whether you drop all your values to be with a man who will repeat his past behaviour...or use this time for your education and building a wonderful new life for yourself and your child.

I have a family member who chose the latter, left her abusive jerk of a husband, lived with her mother while taking courses that allowed her to open her own business (that is going very well) and she reconnected with a wonderful childhood friend and they fell in love and today are one of the happiest, healthiest couples I have ever seen.

Sweetie, you CAN have a "happy ever after", just put your mind to it and don't look back. Take the lesson and run. We are all cheering you on.

Hugs

Iwishonstars777

[QUOTE=Ann;6168649]Could it be that what you miss is not the nightmare life you have had with him, but the dream of "if only" of how you would have loved things to be?

The reality is that he is a cheater who is using you and breaking your heart. Your hurt is valid but it's up to you whether you drop all your values to be with a man who will repeat his past behaviour...or use this time for your education and building a wonderful new life for yourself and your child.

I have a family member who chose the latter, left her abusive jerk of a husband, lived with her mother while taking courses that allowed her to open her own business (that is going very well) and she reconnected with a wonderful childhood friend and they fell in love and today are one of the happiest, healthiest couples I have ever seen.

Sweetie, you CAN have a "happy ever after", just put your mind to it and don't look back. Take the lesson and run. We are all cheering you on.

Hugs[/QUOTE

You might be on to something there. I met this guy when I was 8...and had a continuing crush on him throughout our childhood and into high school, through the college years..and then bam. Out of the blue, he called me. Then, it was like a dream come true. Most certainly I don't want to drop my values and I'm having a hard time with that. Almost like who cares if I keep getting hurt..like really, who cares? I'm so used to it anyway. I'm glad your family member moved on to a happy ever after. And owns their own business. That's what I aim to do someday..within the next 5 years. I just hope I don't give up.

By the way. So hard for me to run away. I've always kept people close to me. Never letting go. And of all people....I'm having to let go of him, my children's father. Not who I would have wanted to let go. So, how do I run away from him? He needs to get out of my head.

Hechosedrugs

I think the only answer to your question is time. Expect it to hurt a while. Expect it to hurt like hell. But you need to think long term. You either suffer for a while now or resign yourself to a lifetime of it.

I just accepted my 6-month chip at CR. I said it was for being "6 months clean from trying to save someone who didn't want my help", which is the best way I knew how to put it. He was my addiction, and I went through some serious withdrawals. I went from a healthy weight (5'6" 120 lbs.) to severely underweight at 98 pounds in just a few months. I'd revolved my whole life around him, so I didn't know who I was anymore.

But I pulled through. I'm taking care of myself again. And most of the time I'm thrilled he's gone- something I never could have imagined. I'm really excited about my new life. I see now how much he held me back. I'm finally spending time with people I respect, instead of his ne'er do well friends. I don't have to worry about suddenly not having money for essentials. I don't even miss him in bed- in fact it's quite nice to spread out. I could go on and on. The point is, this is not at all how I imagined it would be. I'm not lonely. I don't long for him. I see him now and wonder why I couldn't see the real him- it's all so obvious now. He's disheveled, he's stinky, he's gross- this is the diamond in the rough I was so scared of losing (mostly to another girl- I just couldn't take that thought!)

Give it time.

Nata1980

Congrats on going to school!

Between school and being a full-time single parent, sounds like you have your hands full. You don't have time for this loser.

Seriously - let him be happy with tatted up persona "from the rooms". Him going into trouble of being so descriptive - is abusive, but typical. My XAH liked to share TMI about his exes - and I did not ask for it. Now I realize it was shared to make me feel inadequate/bad/jelaous/insecure, so he could later scream at me how insecure I was.

I would not touch this dude with a barge pole I were you. Just imagine all the STD possibilities.

Good luck with school, and take care of yourself and kiddies

Iwishonstars777

Thank you all for your support and honesty! Your words are true and I need to refocus and let him go. I know everything takes time and I need to learn some patience. Lol. Congrats hechosedrugs!

Ann

We care, and will continue to care, until you learn to care for yourself. Living with my own codependency became the "norm" for me, it's what I got used to and what I knew. I could predict my life when I lived in dysfunction, I knew what to expect, as nasty as it was.

It takes courage to step out of our comfort zone, especially when our comfort zone has become toxic. But we do it one tiny step at a time...or a giant leap of faith...whichever works for us.

My story about my family member wasn't about her business success or her marrying a wonderful man...it was about her finding the courage to stand for herself, even when she stood alone (and pregnant) when she left the abuser. Once she took that big step, her life became livable and happy once more. It will not be perfect, she will have obstacles like we all do, but today she can handle whatever comes her way because she found courage when she needed it most for her and her (then) unborn child.

I am still cheering you on, handing out tissues when needed, and sharing cheesecake along the way just to make you smile.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

learning to Let Go is a process......we "believe" that what we hold onto is "part" of us, like a lung or kidney. what we come to believe is that which we held on to so tightly was never "ours" in the first place. we are simply returning it to it's proper owner.......like if we forget to put the rubber border thingie down on the grocery conveyor belt and the cashier doesn't know what "belongs" to which customer.

so we give back the sour cream and the pistachio nuts from the bulk bin, and keep the toilet paper, white pepper and 5# bag of flour.

once we understand that we own nothing but what we came into the world with, and even that is a gift.....then we can begin to Let Go with more ease.

Iwishonstars777

I can't thank you all enough!!! You all have been positive, compassionate and encouraging! Your words make perfect sense and show me a different life outside of the addict.

What are some things you guys do when you get emotionally attacked in your head?

Also, ann, how did you know cheesecakeis my favorite?! 😁 and thanks for the tissues, they come in handy.

Ann

I find my peace in nature. I am a hobby photographer and birder and nothing excites me and lifts my spirits more than a good walk with my camera, feeding chickadees and nuthatches birdseed from my hand and looking a deer in the eye as she poses for me with her new fawn.

I took up this hobby when my husband (my son is the addict in my life) was traveling for work a lot, it was something that got me outdoors into fresh air and walking. Today he joins me, scouting out good nature areas and then driving there to explore.

When I am at home and emotion strikes, I take pause for a moment to acknowledge it and accept it as part of the process and then I turn to something positive to take my mind to a better place. Classical music can do it, if I am trying to sleep, or reading a good mystery novel that takes my mind into the book.

Finally, prayer helps me always. Simple prayers like "Here you go, God, this one is yours!" as I hand it over and let go.

I had to find what worked for me. In the early days meetings were a staple as well. I found the tools there to cope with life on life's terms.

You will find your way, try simple things but plan for what you will do when these thoughts bring you down. Just make a plan and do it, I think you will be surprised how good you will get at this.

Hugs