Nelly1

Today I told my fiancé he has two choices. Go to rehab or get out. I haven't done this before, I have left myself and always returned but have always done the leaving. As some of you may know he has gone to rehab twice, came home and relapsed both times and I just can't take watching him die another second. Since his last return from rehab roughly one month ago... He never returned to work. He said "recovery comes first" yet has 1300 dollars and can't account for any of it while he continues to take money from me everyday for cigarettes. We just moved and I paid for every cent........ He refuses to come home at any normal time ... He is gone from the moment he wakes up until around midnight with no explanation other than "I'm at meetings all day" ... But he always manages to come home with a fresh track mark and no money. I feel humiliated. Not only is this monster now my fiancé and the wonderful man is gone..... But I have relentlessly been supportive of getting him well and helping him only to once again and for the millionth time be kicked aside like I am nothing. Just another atm machine. I feel bad talking about him like this honestly it hurts a lot to even think I say these things about the man I love....... But I'm so hurt. I don't know where he goes... I see a name in the phone "brandy AA" which is obviously a woman from AA calling him at midnight and all strange hours. His random disappearing acts which I usually attribute to drugs now are making me feel like he could possibly hanging around with girls from AA! Really? Will that be the final kick in the teeth for me??! After all I have endured now brandy from AA is calling at midnight..... Ugh I just can't take another second. The pain is unbearable but the thought of him living with me for free and disrespecting me so badly is worse. He refuses to tell me where he's been or try to talk to me in a way. Essentially we're strangers to eachother. Each night I'm alone, sad, on this website wondering where he is, is he Alive, will he get better..... And each night he comes home high and not wanting to be bothered by me..... What do you do? And now that I've kicked him out..... What happens to me? All of the bills are now on me with no help...I just hate this and I could really use some support. His mom thinks me kicking him out is the only thing that will help him and I agree. I can't be that big of an enabler and let him think it's okay to come and go as he pleases without any financial contribution! If he was sober maybe..... And really committed to recovery! What makes me the most angry is that he is USING and preaching sobriety like he's so much better than the other drug addicts in this town. He's putting them down like he's so above them. Track marks don't lie. Can he honestly believe he is working a program??

Sephra

Who knows what he believes? My stepson was totally psychotic, surrounded by police and firemen two days ago, and he "believed" that they were overreacting.
You know what you know, inside. That is what matters, not what he says.
I'm sorry you are hurting and scared. You did the RIGHT thing. You did.
What happens to you now? You can start to heal. You will find your footing. Will be hard and an adjustment? Sure will. But, you will be ok. You'll figure the bills out, and even if you lose material items, have to downsize, etc... you will still be better off in the end. Not only are you going to get through this, but when you do, you will also gain the TRUST and confidence in yourself that you so deserve.
You are not alone. I know you must be terrified... taking the power back is a huge step. You are moving FORWARD, even if you can't see around the next corner, keep in mind, change can be for the better, even if we don't think so at the time.

dandylion

Nelly1.....now you have a chance to live......
Please get yourself checked for STD's.....lots of diseases come with the injecting of drugs.
You did the right thing....
The addiction is stronger than you are.....

Maudcat

Good for you, Nelly. Stick to your guns. You are far better off without him than with him. Don't back down. Where he goes is not your problem. Hugs.

atalose

Have you actually kicked him out or have you just told him that if he doesn’t return to rehab he’s out?

It’s very hurtful when you are not treated like an equally loving partner in a committed relationship but rather the banker, cook, maid, etc. and I am sorry this relationship makes you so unhappy and that you are hurting.

Nelly1

I have told him and he's coming to get his things. If he tries to stay the cops are being called and more than likely he'll be high. I'm prepared to do whatever I have to in order to keep his addiction out of my home. No one kicked indefinitely kicked him out.... He has two choices, go to rehab or go somewhere else. I am no longer willing to give a heroin addict a place to sleep, eat, and play. I already have one dog.

atalose

You already have one dog!! Lol lol I like that. We know it’s not easy, you sound strong and determined that living with an active addict is no longer a part of your life, good for you!

Keep on that course!!!

Nelly1

I'm not as strong as everyone thinks. Make no mistake I am emotionally damaged and completely warped because of this addiction. It has been two LONG very very very hard and sad years. A journey that has made me question almost every aspect of my being...... The hardest part of being in love with a drug addict is realizing that all of your efforts do not matter. If possible, the efforts have made his addiction stronger and better at thriving. Loving someone in active addiction is unbelievably gut wrenching and I have spent the better part of two years crying and sad, losing friends, fighting with family, and fighting with myself. Last night I had a thought.... He came home and could hardly keep his eyes open.... I tried to make small talk to which his response was "leave me alone I'm tired and all you want to do is argue" . I stayed up staring at him for quite a while, bleeding track marks, slowed breath, twitching and restless leg syndrome all night and I cried... My thought was "how can I love this monster?" ..... Who is this monster? This isn't who I know or who I love, this is someone who doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me, doesn't comfort me, doesn't support me, doesn't ask me how my day was, doesn't care if I passed the mid term I studied for all night long........ And most importantly this is someone who isn't capable of loving me because heroin will always be his mistress..... And that thought was like a knife to the gut.... And he must leave before I become a monster too.

dandylion

Nelly.....I am confused...I thought you said that you kicked him out, in your first post...?
Then, you said that he came home last night......
Did you kick him out this morning?

Nelly1

Yes this morning. Last night is what prompted me to make a change

dandylion

Nelly.....you may feel out of your comfort zone, right now...but, this is where the progress happens!
Recognize that this is the short-term pain for the long-term gain. (sometimes called "delayed gratification")......
As long as you put your own welfare as the first priority.....you will do fine....

Bird615

I agree!

I spent six years with a still-drinking alcoholic boyfriend while I somehow managed to stay sober myself. The only good thing about that now, looking back, was that it forced me to grow and work my own recovery program even harder. I eventually got to where I accepted that his first love was the booze, not me, and to stay meant more loneliness and misery.

I realized that it would hurt to stay and hurt to leave, so I chose the hurt that would lead to something better. As painful and heartbreaking it was to do at the time, finally getting the courage up to leave him for good opened the doors to a better life for me.