Sephra

When I say we need to talk, I guess I am meaning all three of us.
I am very much about not saying things I don't mean, so once I say it, I live by it. I don't think that either of them believe I will. But, I know I will. I guess that's why I am dragging my feet on doing it. I've tried to sit down and talk to husband, but he just thinks he can wing it, with no real plan. Thinks if we push ss too much to go to rehab that he will run instead. So, I addressed rehab directly with ss, gently. No word on any of it since then, but continuing with no plan or responsibilities. But, the drama keeps on coming. I know they will try to blame all of last night on stepdaugher. And yes, she is causing trouble for sure. But, it is too hard to figure out which lying addict is telling the truth. and when crazy non related people are in my driveway causing scenes, it's time to get off the rollercoaster, I guess.

dandylion

I hear you, sephra!

Sephra

Talking did not go well. I did not expect it to. Nothing new or different. dad jumping to defense of his son. Going in circles. No accountability. I did ask ss where he stood on rehab now that he has had a week recouping. He said he hasn't really been thinking about it. Believes he can do it on his own. It ended with husband sending ss out of the room cause he didn't want to fight in front if him. Then we fought for awhile getting nothing resolved and now are all currently in different rooms. It's awful and sad and I don't know how to fix it.

Seren

This is so true! And I am so sorry you have to go through this!!

It's a shame the talk did not go well, Sephra, but I don't think you were expecting miracles from it at this point. I have no advice on how to get your husband to see things your way...because you really can't. Sadly, he has to come to his 'enough' point himself. I was fortunate that my late husband did reach that point on his own soon enough with his son.

I don't know how old your step kids were when you married into the family, but mine were adults already. I can only encourage my stepson to do the next right thing and remind him occasionally that he is not fooling any of us with his 'blood pressure medicine' story as to why he landed in the hospital again.

I don't know what I would do if I had to live with him

If it comes down to actually leaving, do you have a plan? Do you have someplace you can go and independent finances?

Sephra

I do have independent finances, although I would need to cut back a bit, but financially I would be ok. The house is mine also, so they would be the ones that need to leave.
My stepson was 15 when I met him, and is 25 now.
They have decided that they have it all under control, and that I am over reacting. They both slept like babies last night. I know because I was the one up all night. I guess I am the only one here with a problem. haha

Seren

Haha... yeah, I get it!

I know this is hard...I hate conflict, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Sending strength as you work through this. Who knows, maybe having your husband and stepson live together by themselves will be a learning experience for both of them and will work toward their long-term good.

Sephra

I don't know. They are so far in denial that they really don't think there is a problem.
Things are so twisted. Starting to question my truth and sanity.

dandylion

Sephra....it looks like they are content to maintain the addict/enabler connection between them. You seem to be the odd man out....the one who is not content with it.
Then, it follows, that if there is to be a change...you will have to be the agent of change.
I think that it is a situation of "triangulating".......
If you were to exit the situation...I'll bet that the dynamics between those two would make a notable shift.......

Would you consider a separation?

Sephra

I would say they were very busy this morning. They have signed him up for court diversion program, which will include counseling, meetings, drug testing and curfew. It is a definite step in the right direction. He also went and asked for his old job back.
Nice. I did however catch ss in a lie after thinking about our "talk" the other night. I did not confront him with it, but did point out to his dad the lie, and although the initial reaction was to defend him, he is not able to deny that he point blank lied to me. I'm not surprised that he did I guess, but disappointed. And sad he could do so while looking me in the eye and that I almost bought it. Almost.
Anyway trying to concentrate on the positive that they are at least taking steps in the right direction.
(Physically he still looks like he's using to me, but if they are going to drug test him, I guess I don't need to be the one to worry about it.)

Would you consider a separation?** Unfortunately unless things change radically, (which maybe diversion will do) it will be inevitable. Self survival is at the upmost importance. I have ptsd from my past, and a super heightened fear response, so I have a hard time trusting if I am over reacting to things or not, and they are definitely trying to minimize the reality of a situation out of control. And I am having a hard time feeling safe. So yes.

Seren

I do hope that in some way, you are able to get a good night's sleep tonight. Is it possible to simply slip off to bed early, shut the door, and tune them out tonight?

Lying addicts, yes, my stepson lies, too. This last round in the hospital, we were told the whole story by his friends--the ones who found him passed out in an alley and brought him to the hospital. Alcohol and heroin. When the friends finally got around to calling my stepdaughter, we each called him at the hospital. His line to us was that he was there because he had a bad reaction to his blood pressure medicine and he was there to get it regulated. OK, then...

Please do what you need to protect your peace and safety. Sending hugs!

dandylion

sephra...I know, so well, that having an addicted adult child in the home is a stressor that beyond miserable. One has to go through it to fully grasp how disruptive it is.
Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. If you don't--who will?