I hate him, hate myself and my obsession!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
I hate him, hate myself and my obsession!!!
I think i am going crazy like seriously somethin is not right with me!!! I was okayish since not hearing from xabf until text message few days ago asking to call him, i never called him and now its eating me away! I know he has been kicked out and not knowing where he is living and overall him not being much in touch is eating me away..
yeaterday he had supervised visit and when out child got dropped off i saw him he saw me but i just turned my head away..
how after being together for few years and having a child together now we are strangers??
It was his birthday over the weekend and i didnt wish him happy birthday kept to no contact and i pressume if it wasnt for his family orgnanising his bday he woudnt of bothered with our son anyway.
I can not stop thinking though i got so upset seeing him like all hopes came back i cried all night obsessing its almost like i am going to die because i do not know whats going in his life, who he live with who occupies his time, why after all i went through for him now i just dont exist its like i am an old broken toy to him, i guessed he never loved me and it kills me.
Why i get all these stupid thoughts running through my head i will never know.. like i regret not calling him back because i probably would of got an update on his life but why why why do i feel like i need to know!?
I was doing so well now i am back to hating myself and him and everything else
yeaterday he had supervised visit and when out child got dropped off i saw him he saw me but i just turned my head away..
how after being together for few years and having a child together now we are strangers??
It was his birthday over the weekend and i didnt wish him happy birthday kept to no contact and i pressume if it wasnt for his family orgnanising his bday he woudnt of bothered with our son anyway.
I can not stop thinking though i got so upset seeing him like all hopes came back i cried all night obsessing its almost like i am going to die because i do not know whats going in his life, who he live with who occupies his time, why after all i went through for him now i just dont exist its like i am an old broken toy to him, i guessed he never loved me and it kills me.
Why i get all these stupid thoughts running through my head i will never know.. like i regret not calling him back because i probably would of got an update on his life but why why why do i feel like i need to know!?
I was doing so well now i am back to hating myself and him and everything else
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Separation is a painful, sad, time, it's like grieving the loss of something and someone you loved who just isn't there anymore.
Have you tried meetings? Or therapy? Both have helped many here get through the turbulent days.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
Have you tried meetings? Or therapy? Both have helped many here get through the turbulent days.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Breakups can feel like a death and you have to allow yourself to go through the different emotions. You don't go through them and they are done...rather you go back and forth between all the stages of depression, anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance. Don't be so hard on yourself and allow your emotions to happen and know you are NOT crazy. My STBXAH and I have two children together. I don't speak to him at all and when he comes to see the kids I leave while my parents supervise. It's like we are ships passing in the night. It's a VERY weird feeling that here once we shared so much and now we don't speak. But ultimately this is the only thing that works right now. I think it's good that you didn't call him back. It probably would have just set you back and he would manipulate the situation. At least that's what my ex would do since he's in active addiction. Hugs to you and know it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
obsessions are not easy to break.....especially when they have developed in times of chaos and unrest. it's like they become our "safe place" - if i can just indulge in my obsession, then everything will be ok. if i can just know where he is.....hear his voice.....check the bank account and see that he did NOT withdraw $80 for dope or have a big charge from some bar......THEN i'll be ok.
we have to reverse it all and learn to be OK first. and not DEPEND on that "something" outside of us. be it a drug, or an OCD action, or another person.
you gotta ditch that self-hatred, girl. you are a lovely worthy person. you've been thru some rough times. BE GENTLE with yourself.
we have to reverse it all and learn to be OK first. and not DEPEND on that "something" outside of us. be it a drug, or an OCD action, or another person.
you gotta ditch that self-hatred, girl. you are a lovely worthy person. you've been thru some rough times. BE GENTLE with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 18
[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;6149735]obsessions are not easy to break.....especially when they have developed in times of chaos and unrest. it's like they become our "safe place" - if i can just indulge in my obsession, then everything will be ok. if i can just know where he is.....hear his voice.....check the bank account and see that he did NOT withdraw $80 for dope or have a big charge from some bar......THEN i'll be ok.
Wow, This is an example right out of my current life. I too just had a run in with my ex and talking to him definitely set me back into missing him and feeling hung up on hopes that the future could be different. But he is actively using as well and so I know that I would get nothing new or different from talking to him. Its easier said than done though.
Wow, This is an example right out of my current life. I too just had a run in with my ex and talking to him definitely set me back into missing him and feeling hung up on hopes that the future could be different. But he is actively using as well and so I know that I would get nothing new or different from talking to him. Its easier said than done though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when addicts chose to get clean, they have to learn what their "triggers" are and then figure out how to either avoid them OR desensitize their selves to them.
a trigger is really just a person place or thing that the addict has associated with drug use and they give themselves permission to let that TRIGGER be their excuse to USE. (ask this former crackhead how she knows that!! )
but addicts don't have the market cornered on triggers. as consumers, ad agencies know how to hit all our buttons, don't they? and we often LET ourselves be driven to HAVE that shiny thing, or that sweet thing, or that cool, trendy thing, not because we truly deep down NEED it or even really want it, but we have been told, hell we have been promised that "IT" will make our lives BETTER.
breaking free is not easy.....this recovery business ain't for wussies. it's damn hard work. and it's not a straight line. it's like trying to climb a hill covered in plastic and coated with Dawn Dish Soap!
a trigger is really just a person place or thing that the addict has associated with drug use and they give themselves permission to let that TRIGGER be their excuse to USE. (ask this former crackhead how she knows that!! )
but addicts don't have the market cornered on triggers. as consumers, ad agencies know how to hit all our buttons, don't they? and we often LET ourselves be driven to HAVE that shiny thing, or that sweet thing, or that cool, trendy thing, not because we truly deep down NEED it or even really want it, but we have been told, hell we have been promised that "IT" will make our lives BETTER.
breaking free is not easy.....this recovery business ain't for wussies. it's damn hard work. and it's not a straight line. it's like trying to climb a hill covered in plastic and coated with Dawn Dish Soap!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Ann 
Separation is a painful, sad, time, it's like grieving the loss of something and someone you loved who just isn't there anymore.
Have you tried meetings? Or therapy? Both have helped many here get through the turbulent days.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
Have you tried meetings? Or therapy? Both have helped many here get through the turbulent days.
Prayers out for you and your child.
Hugs
I am scared to go doctors to ask for therapy as i dont want them to think i am depressed and incapable of looking after my child
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Sunshine1234
Breakups can feel like a death and you have to allow yourself to go through the different emotions. You don't go through them and they are done...rather you go back and forth between all the stages of depression, anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance. Don't be so hard on yourself and allow your emotions to happen and know you are NOT crazy. My STBXAH and I have two children together. I don't speak to him at all and when he comes to see the kids I leave while my parents supervise. It's like we are ships passing in the night. It's a VERY weird feeling that here once we shared so much and now we don't speak. But ultimately this is the only thing that works right now. I think it's good that you didn't call him back. It probably would have just set you back and he would manipulate the situation. At least that's what my ex would do since he's in active addiction. Hugs to you and know it will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
obsessions are not easy to break.....especially when they have developed in times of chaos and unrest. it's like they become our "safe place" - if i can just indulge in my obsession, then everything will be ok. if i can just know where he is.....hear his voice.....check the bank account and see that he did NOT withdraw $80 for dope or have a big charge from some bar......THEN i'll be ok.
we have to reverse it all and learn to be OK first. and not DEPEND on that "something" outside of us. be it a drug, or an OCD action, or another person.
you gotta ditch that self-hatred, girl. you are a lovely worthy person. you've been thru some rough times. BE GENTLE with yourself.
we have to reverse it all and learn to be OK first. and not DEPEND on that "something" outside of us. be it a drug, or an OCD action, or another person.
you gotta ditch that self-hatred, girl. you are a lovely worthy person. you've been thru some rough times. BE GENTLE with yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
[QUOTE=Barkley77;6149752] I am on the same boat as you what you have put is spot on i guess time heals everything slowly..
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
obsessions are not easy to break.....especially when they have developed in times of chaos and unrest. it's like they become our "safe place" - if i can just indulge in my obsession, then everything will be ok. if i can just know where he is.....hear his voice.....check the bank account and see that he did NOT withdraw $80 for dope or have a big charge from some bar......THEN i'll be ok.
Wow, This is an example right out of my current life. I too just had a run in with my ex and talking to him definitely set me back into missing him and feeling hung up on hopes that the future could be different. But he is actively using as well and so I know that I would get nothing new or different from talking to him. Its easier said than done though.
Wow, This is an example right out of my current life. I too just had a run in with my ex and talking to him definitely set me back into missing him and feeling hung up on hopes that the future could be different. But he is actively using as well and so I know that I would get nothing new or different from talking to him. Its easier said than done though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
when addicts chose to get clean, they have to learn what their "triggers" are and then figure out how to either avoid them OR desensitize their selves to them.
a trigger is really just a person place or thing that the addict has associated with drug use and they give themselves permission to let that TRIGGER be their excuse to USE. (ask this former crackhead how she knows that!! )
but addicts don't have the market cornered on triggers. as consumers, ad agencies know how to hit all our buttons, don't they? and we often LET ourselves be driven to HAVE that shiny thing, or that sweet thing, or that cool, trendy thing, not because we truly deep down NEED it or even really want it, but we have been told, hell we have been promised that "IT" will make our lives BETTER.
breaking free is not easy.....this recovery business ain't for wussies. it's damn hard work. and it's not a straight line. it's like trying to climb a hill covered in plastic and coated with Dawn Dish Soap!
a trigger is really just a person place or thing that the addict has associated with drug use and they give themselves permission to let that TRIGGER be their excuse to USE. (ask this former crackhead how she knows that!! )
but addicts don't have the market cornered on triggers. as consumers, ad agencies know how to hit all our buttons, don't they? and we often LET ourselves be driven to HAVE that shiny thing, or that sweet thing, or that cool, trendy thing, not because we truly deep down NEED it or even really want it, but we have been told, hell we have been promised that "IT" will make our lives BETTER.
breaking free is not easy.....this recovery business ain't for wussies. it's damn hard work. and it's not a straight line. it's like trying to climb a hill covered in plastic and coated with Dawn Dish Soap!
My trigger is definitely living at same town as him literally every time i drive home i see things and places that reminds me off him, good and bad times! I am trying to relocate but it aint easy at the moment the situation i am in
I know its hard work sometimes i wonder why do i have to work on this when i think its all addictions fault when in fact there is something wrong with me too! I hope sonner than later i will be free.
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