I'm just so lonely
 

Sorry, mostly complaining here.

But first the good news. Since finding this forum I have
1) Read Co-dependent No More, Under the Influence and I'll Quit Tomorrow. (Anyone know how to format text on an iPhone?) Reading the first really changed my outlook, reading the other two helped me wrap my brain around the addiction part, although it's hard not to be angry about it.
2) Been to two Al Anon meetings. Loved them! I felt great about going both times. It's the only one remotely close to me but I think I'm going to have to see if I can fit more in my schedule than once a week
3) Applied to grad school. I'm a stay at home mom 15 years out from a BS in microbiology. Its been stressful for me to feel dependent financially on AH but if all goes well I'll be working on a Masters in IT and web design so hopefully that will make it easier to support myself and kids if need be and at least not be dependent.


Whew, I feel better already! Last week was a good week. I was working on my co-deprndent issues and AH didn't drink at all that week and things seemed good but of course there was the stress of knowing it couldn't last.

He went to visit his parents over the weekend and apparently it was stressful. 😁 So Sunday, Tuesday and tonight have been drinking nights and the in between days he's been hungover. Today I had a fabulous day and was excited to come home and talk about it but he was drinking when I got home. And we couldn't even be in the same room because apparently I was giving him judgmental looks.

So I showered and worked on getting the baby to bed which was fine but I have this mole that keeps bleeding and tonight I started wondering if that was a bad thing so I googled it and found out that it's a symptom of melanoma. Which it might not be, of course, but I'm a little freaked out. I went downstairs to get a bandaid and he asked what was wrong and I told him and he just shrugged and said, "Well, make an appointment and get it removed. No big deal,"

Now, I KNOW he's drinking and I KNOW he's not himself and I KNOW he won't even remember this tomorrow but I just really, really miss having someone to share both my joys and my fears with. That's why we get married, right? And I'm trying sooooo hard not to stress about his drinking because I can't control it but he's drank more this week than for a long time and I'm honestly terrified. I'm scared for him and for my children and what will happen when he separates from the AF in December and having no one to talk to or confide in is killing me.

Plus, I'm pretty sure the snoring is going to keep me awake even if the stress doesn't. 😂

Sorry for the pity party and thanks for reading. I have been poking around and reading a lot and it's nice to have so many others here who've been through the same thing.

Dear Wife
I had a bleeding mole several years ago and had it removed. It was just a mole.

I TOTALLY get the desire to have someone you can talk to. God will work all that out in his time and in his own way.

Now, pat yourself on the back for grad school. You are doing some VERY positive things in spite of the bad situation.

I'm glad you reached out here. Keep coming back!

You are doing all the right things for you, that's a wonderful accomplishment, but it doesn't make it any less sad/uncomfortable/frustrating when the addiction lives in the same house.

You are doing well to just work around it, and I wish you so much success with your courses.

Please get the mole looked at, as a cancer survivor I know the importance of taking care of things early. If it's just a mole, it will be removed and never bother you again. Win/Win.

Sending hugs and cheering you on.

WBYWife,
Something I learned a while back was that stressing only robs you of the joys of today. There will be good days and bad, but worry over what's to come does nothing for the outcome. It took me a while to believe that. I had to literally tell myself "Stop!" when I would start the spiral.

I think all you've done for yourself is amazing. Grad school? Wow! Keep your chin up and remind yourself of what a talented and responsible person you are, taking on this challenge.

Keep stopping in. We always leave the light on :)

Thanks so much for the responses. This morning feels good again. I'm trying to focus on doing what I can for the future and living in the moment but it gets hard late at night when I'm tired and alone.

(also, I mean to post this in the alcohol group, oops. But I guess we all have similar struggles)

I do feel like I'm learning to take control of my life and that is fabulous. I just have weak moments when it's late at night and I have no one to talk to. Which is why I'm so happy to have found these forums! Thank you again!!