My Relapse - Captain Codependent
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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I buckled on the bus pass. I renewed it for two weeks instead of a month. He has had two interviews with a printing company (which I did see in his email because he had no printer so I printed the application for him. ) I did confirm he is in sober living (though how a girl was ever going to get there I don't know?). He is not asking for anything else thank GOD! Lets see everyone. Please keep me in your prayers. His place expires on 10-15 if he doesn't have funds, suggesting maybe Salvation Army or STEPS if he has a job by then. He also has some sober friends whom I am sure he could make a couch surfing arrangement if he can pay them weekly.
It feels better this week than last week, I am cautiously hopeful. I think the shock of the relapse kicked me into high gear of codiness but I would always support him if he's sober. He will know Monday on this good job and has had 4 interviews with fast food joints and restaurants since Wednesday.
More to report next week. Hugs to everyone.
It feels better this week than last week, I am cautiously hopeful. I think the shock of the relapse kicked me into high gear of codiness but I would always support him if he's sober. He will know Monday on this good job and has had 4 interviews with fast food joints and restaurants since Wednesday.
More to report next week. Hugs to everyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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but I would always support him if he's sober.
i think that statement is a trap. its a way to keep you involved in his decisions, and your hoped for outcome. IF he's sober....which means you need to be involved enough to know IF he is sober. taking that pulse on a daily basis.
WHAT IF you just let HIM take it from here? let him drive his own bus, from here on out. he''ll either it keep it between the lines or go off in a ditch. but that does not have to be your problem or worry anymore. it's not necessary that you know exactly HOW many applications he's submitted, or how many interviews, or what time. and that means you don't have to have 10/15 circled on YOUR calendar....because it's not YOUR deadline. it belongs to somebody else and should be circled on THEIR calendar if it is important TO THEM.
you need to breathing with your own lungs......not thru his. now is the time.
i think that statement is a trap. its a way to keep you involved in his decisions, and your hoped for outcome. IF he's sober....which means you need to be involved enough to know IF he is sober. taking that pulse on a daily basis.
WHAT IF you just let HIM take it from here? let him drive his own bus, from here on out. he''ll either it keep it between the lines or go off in a ditch. but that does not have to be your problem or worry anymore. it's not necessary that you know exactly HOW many applications he's submitted, or how many interviews, or what time. and that means you don't have to have 10/15 circled on YOUR calendar....because it's not YOUR deadline. it belongs to somebody else and should be circled on THEIR calendar if it is important TO THEM.
you need to breathing with your own lungs......not thru his. now is the time.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I agree with Anvilhead.....that helping him "as long as he is sober".....can become a type of trap, for you....(I have been in that trap!).
Remember that your freedom is a goal, also......and, the older you get...the more important this is going to be, to you....
Remember that your freedom is a goal, also......and, the older you get...the more important this is going to be, to you....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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altho different.....when my daughter moved back from LA after college and living there a few years, she had her old job lined up but asked if she could stay with us for a couple of months while she got settled. hank will tell you i launched immediately into "mommy" mode, with lots of coo'ing and even silly baby talk......i finally had my "baby" home and wanted to make up for the time that had passed. and i wasn't even really aware of how i was behaving.....
my daughter did appreciate the babying, mom's cocoa with marshmallows, etc, but thankfully as a grown young woman she very soon pulled away and was actually a down right snot at time. she began to keep her own schedule, and wasn't much into giving us the details. by the time SEVEN months rolled around, i finally told her that time was up.
it wasn't a pretty break up - she told me i had "never done anything for her" which put me into tears. she packed her stuff, refused any help with moving out, and we didn't speak much for the next many months.
THEN we began to create a NEW relationship......where i SAW her as an ADULT, with her own mind, her own life, and accepted she didn't NEED me anymore as the hovering, always there, pookie poo kind of way.
the BEST thing you can do for yourself, first and foremost, and your son, is to move to that next phase. let him be in charge of ALL of him. don't be the faithful Sancho to his Don Quixote, always there at the ready. do things different.....it gets easier as time goes by.
my daughter did appreciate the babying, mom's cocoa with marshmallows, etc, but thankfully as a grown young woman she very soon pulled away and was actually a down right snot at time. she began to keep her own schedule, and wasn't much into giving us the details. by the time SEVEN months rolled around, i finally told her that time was up.
it wasn't a pretty break up - she told me i had "never done anything for her" which put me into tears. she packed her stuff, refused any help with moving out, and we didn't speak much for the next many months.
THEN we began to create a NEW relationship......where i SAW her as an ADULT, with her own mind, her own life, and accepted she didn't NEED me anymore as the hovering, always there, pookie poo kind of way.
the BEST thing you can do for yourself, first and foremost, and your son, is to move to that next phase. let him be in charge of ALL of him. don't be the faithful Sancho to his Don Quixote, always there at the ready. do things different.....it gets easier as time goes by.
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That is ME to a TEE along with the baby talk LOL. What is so ridiculous is that with our other two kids who are younger than JJ, I do not act so smothering. My daughter is 19 and still lives at home and is very independent. Though she does love the back scratches and hugs from me, I do not get in her bizness the way I am obsessed with JJ. My middle son is Mr. Independent, at college in SB, and at 21 has a game plan for his life. In fact, he snubs my inquiries into his love life 
and his personal stuff.
I know this is MY weakness since the time JJ was 20 I have been rescuing him because I didn't trust him to rescue himself.
We are still supporting my two younger kids financially, but emotionally, I do see them as adults.
With JJ, I need to break this cycle of rescuer-victim which we have played endlessly.
Thanks Anvil, you have helped me tremendously.
and his personal stuff. I know this is MY weakness since the time JJ was 20 I have been rescuing him because I didn't trust him to rescue himself.
We are still supporting my two younger kids financially, but emotionally, I do see them as adults.
With JJ, I need to break this cycle of rescuer-victim which we have played endlessly.
Thanks Anvil, you have helped me tremendously.
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OMG, Anvillhead! You just described, perfectly, an example of the universal dependence/independence struggle that parent and child go through (typically, late teen early adulthood, for most).
What you described, I know, is being acted out in millions of families, across the land....and, leaving so many puzzled mothers in tears.....
It happened to me with all of my children!
I, once, was told by an adolescent psychiatrist...that, the harder it is for them to leave--the bigger "scene" they will create in order to make the leaving easier for THEM!
Personally, I think that it is one of the most painful transitions for mothers to make, after the labor pains.....
What you described, I know, is being acted out in millions of families, across the land....and, leaving so many puzzled mothers in tears.....
It happened to me with all of my children!
I, once, was told by an adolescent psychiatrist...that, the harder it is for them to leave--the bigger "scene" they will create in order to make the leaving easier for THEM!
Personally, I think that it is one of the most painful transitions for mothers to make, after the labor pains.....
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Anvil, you have a way with words that perfectly describes how I was with my adult addicted son too.
I am a natural born "hoverer" codie. My husband has recovered well from cancer surgery but still requires medical appointments about every 3-6 months (depending on which doctor or test) to ensure that his wellness continues. I go to these appointments with him, I even used to go right into the room. When he was sick he wanted me in the room to take notes of instructions or next appointments because he was incapable, but he hasn't been sick for some time now. Yesterday was one of those appointments and for the first time I sat in the waiting room while he did his appointment, then we went for lunch. How freeing it was for him. Me? I squirmed a little, lol, but knew it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes it helps me to put myself in their shoes...picture this Codie hovering over you...hovering along behind you...hovering over your every move. It would make me either shoot them down or put a teflon armour between myself and them to find my own way and space.
I think we mamas are the worst for this, and claiming it is our maternal instincts only goes so far and becomes a lovely form of denial. Sometimes, we (especially me) need to snap out of it and just let go.
That said, I will continue to hover over this thread because I am learning more each time I read your posts.
I am a natural born "hoverer" codie. My husband has recovered well from cancer surgery but still requires medical appointments about every 3-6 months (depending on which doctor or test) to ensure that his wellness continues. I go to these appointments with him, I even used to go right into the room. When he was sick he wanted me in the room to take notes of instructions or next appointments because he was incapable, but he hasn't been sick for some time now. Yesterday was one of those appointments and for the first time I sat in the waiting room while he did his appointment, then we went for lunch. How freeing it was for him. Me? I squirmed a little, lol, but knew it was the right thing to do.
Sometimes it helps me to put myself in their shoes...picture this Codie hovering over you...hovering along behind you...hovering over your every move. It would make me either shoot them down or put a teflon armour between myself and them to find my own way and space.
I think we mamas are the worst for this, and claiming it is our maternal instincts only goes so far and becomes a lovely form of denial. Sometimes, we (especially me) need to snap out of it and just let go.
That said, I will continue to hover over this thread because I am learning more each time I read your posts.
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To Ilovemysonjj: Prayers for your son and you and hugs as well. 
Hoping all goes well.
Good for you and your daughter! I am inspired by your message which gives hope.
Hoping all goes well.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
THEN we began to create a NEW relationship......where i SAW her as an ADULT, with her own mind, her own life, and accepted she didn't NEED me anymore as the hovering, always there, pookie poo kind of way.
.
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Well...just for the sake of discussion and the sake of levity, here....I would say that we should not get TOO critical of mothers here...
after all, all adult relationships are a two way street...
While I am the first to admit that it is hard for most of us mothers to give up our maternal nurturing instincts because it is programed into us by mother nature and culture, to a large extent)....we don't need to take all the blame on all occasions!
for example, when someone is coming and begging for our "services" and our generosity----"give me money from your pocket"..."give me shelter under your roof"...."protect me from my own consequences"...."feed me/console me/sooth my soul" "be there when I need you"..."jump when I ask you to jump"...."cry for me;breath for me"......
THEN...say "Treat me as an independent adult!!"
I say that they should look at their own behaviors, also.....
We mothers have to look at ourselves...but, I must say that "mother bashing" has been going on as long as we have been giving birth......
I'm just saying......
after all, all adult relationships are a two way street...
While I am the first to admit that it is hard for most of us mothers to give up our maternal nurturing instincts because it is programed into us by mother nature and culture, to a large extent)....we don't need to take all the blame on all occasions!
for example, when someone is coming and begging for our "services" and our generosity----"give me money from your pocket"..."give me shelter under your roof"...."protect me from my own consequences"...."feed me/console me/sooth my soul" "be there when I need you"..."jump when I ask you to jump"...."cry for me;breath for me"......
THEN...say "Treat me as an independent adult!!"
I say that they should look at their own behaviors, also.....
We mothers have to look at ourselves...but, I must say that "mother bashing" has been going on as long as we have been giving birth......
I'm just saying......
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