mamaof3boyz

Furniture, housewares etc...steadily being delivered to my new doorstep. Each day that passes gets a little more stressful. I'm still at home with husband.
Today he told me "I hate you for what you're doing." (Because I'm pursuing separation)
Then later in the conversations he says again, but with more anger and conviction..."I just want you to know I *ucking hate you for doing this!!!!" Then hung up on me.
Of course I start crying
I know he is angry and hurt...so am I. But really.... what am I doing? He's had 10 years to prove himself. To work an honest program, to stop his controlling ways, to find steady employment. I accepted so many of his flaws. I accepted his disrespect, his manipulation and control because I was blind to it. But my eyes are open now and it seems like the "I hate you" is a way to hurt me and not take any responsibility for his actions. Another control tactic. Now I dread leaving work and going home to Lord knows what. Silent treatment, sarcasm, crude behavior...who knows... I can't wait til I'm in my new place and away from his drama. Good news though he finally got a job! Lol

ladyscribbler

Hang in there Mama. I remember that limbo between knowing it was over and actually being able to physically leave. I got a lot of childish tantrums and blatant manipulation and guilt tripping. It is ridiculous once you can see it for what it is. Like you said, he's had chance after chance to change his life. I know it can still be hurtful though.

Some of his moodiness might also be that the FDA is talking about making kratom a schedule 1 controlled substance, which will give you some more leverage in the custody situation. I saw a news article about that and thought of you and your kids.

Do something nice for yourself and try not to engage his nonsense.

mamaof3boyz

Yes I read that too regarding Kratom. I hope it is banned as it is in many other states and countries. Well...I'm home and for dinner tonight we have silent treatment and avoidance while he plays the role of "fun dad".....so awesome!

AnvilheadII

i don't think he is so much "angry and hurt" as he is feeling THREATENED. his covers have been pulled. the consequences of his actions are catching up to him. but if he now admits his own faults and failings, then he'd have to admit HE is the one who majorly F'd the whole thing up. and his ego and addiction can't allow that.

zoso77

Yeah, you're on to him. He's a transparent as the air. Of course, knowing this isn't going to make you feel any better. But the reason why I highlighted this part of your post is because you've arrived at a place of knowledge and understanding. There is no question about what your STBXAH is at this point in time. His deeds or lack thereof, tell you all you need to know. And at some point, a new member is going to read these words and it's going to resonate with them and help them going forward.

So you may not feel great at the moment, mama. But you're going to be fine. Trust me...you're doing better than you realize...

peacelovesober

Yes. The jig is up, I am currently counting the days until my AH goes back to a rehab, Should be a year, but either way I am signing a new lease without him and moving on.

You said he had 10 years to prove himself. And he did. He proved that he chose over and over the "fix" instead of the "family". I am sorry you are dealing with the tantrums and passive aggressive behavior but this too shall pass .I am so happy that you are setting some boundaries and living the life you deserve. I am so happy for you and the boys, yall deserve peace and freedom from the choas of an active addict in the home. Good for you!

mamaof3boyz

Crazy thing is he is not in active addiction....he isn't using. He is dry as a bone but still possesses all the addict tendencies...selfish, controlling, game playing. Not sure if it's the addict talking or he it's his true character.

Nata1980

Recently sober addicts can be crazier than active addicts in some cases. Plus - if he is not trying to improve himself - he is just a dry addict, not a recovering one. Hang in there!

Maudcat

He isn't kidding . He does hate you. Because in his mind, and it is all about him, isn't it?, you are betraying him in the worst possible way. For him. Never mind his craziness. You do what you must. It's time.

Refiner

He got a job! LOL. Funny how he only steps up when he finally realizes you are serious about your ENOUGH this time.

Ann

Nothing to add here except hugs because I know this is a difficult time. Once we reach a point of clarity, denial is no longer an option. We see it for what it is.

Sadly, by the time a marriage is ended it's much like closing the door on an already empty room.

Big hugs to you, and prayers for your new beginnings.

needingabreak

Adding hugs to you. I imagine this is not easy no matter how open your eyes are. He no longer has control and that is what is bothering him. I am glad you are putting your children and yourself first. You deserve to have peace and be happy. Wishing you the best with your move. Maybe the silent treatment is a gift.

mamaof3boyz

Yes Refiner...this is ALWAYS the case with him! He has to take it to the limit until he does anything. Why is that?

mamaof3boyz

Silent treatment is a gift but unfortunately not for the boys. They feel it. But again they feel it too even when we are speaking...so I guess lesser of 2 evils. Thank you for your support!

peacelovesober

I think they do this because it becomes a necessity. They don't need jobs or to do the responsible thing when we are providing all the support and keeping them in the easy life. Once you withdrew all your "help" he had to step up. In my experience it usually does not last long but lets hope for his sake it does and he stays clean and sober and is in active recovery.