Firesong

I had a friend who was an addict. I didn't know it when we first met, I thought he was an RA.

We spent some weekends together just hanging out together.

Then he invited me to spend a weekend with him during Christmas. Before I got there he said he wanted to make sure we both agreed we were "just friends." He said he was "terrified" of losing my friendship if it became "more" because he and another friend had recently tried to have a "relationship" and she couldn't handle it and he had lost her as a friend. I thought it was odd that he would compare me with her, but I said OK, because I know that "romance," sex, whatever, can make a breakup a lot more painful if it comes, and I wanted us to go on being friends without all the other emotional investment. But even so, that weekend he treated me the way guys treat girlfriends -- little things, tucking an afghan around me when we watched TV together, walking me to the door of my room when we said goodnight, just little caring things girlfriends don't usually do for you.

And he would do other "affectionate" guy things. Putting his hands on my shoulders, putting an arm around me, holding hands once when we walked across the parking lot, curling up under one blanket watching TV at my place. And my emotions did get involved, when I was there for him when he wanted to go cold turkey at home, and I was hugging him just trying to keep him warm, helping him put his socks and slippers on, feeding him, helping him change clothes (not stripping him down, just helping him change shirts, socks, etc.). And one weekend he spent with me when he was sick we slept together (no sex, just sharing the same bed). And when we went on vacation together we shared a bed because there was only one in the hotel room. And we talked together about EVERYTHING -- he told me things he'd never told anybody else about himself, and that makes you emotionally invested. It's very intimate. You have to trust the other person, and they start to really care about you.

But a year later when we went on vacation again together (a two-bedroom cottage! yay! privacy and no snoring!), there was no physical affection. We hadn't even seen each other in months by that time.

And by the time we split up, a few months after that, he was so mad at me because of something he thought I said, and then a week later he was accusing me of vile things I never ever did. For the first time ever he brought sex into the discussion and accused me of disgusting things I have never done with anyone, not even thought about doing. Not really seriously bad or kinky things, just something I don't do or think of with a friend.

Friends told me the little affectionate things were really mixed signals he was giving me and no wonder I was confused, this guy who wanted to be "just friends" but was treating me like a woman. Ways guys don't treat each other and women don't treat their women friends.

And then why, when he first brought sex into the discussion, did he accuse me of such gross behavior? Where did that come from?

I really would like to know, and I can't ask him. Is this something addicts do? Is it something people do when all the time they've been using you instead of really being your friend? To accuse me of something so totally out of character for me would be funny if it weren't so sad and stupid. This guy who said he trusted me, then turned on me and proved he'd never gotten to know me at all, just considered me another "typical" woman (he must have known some real gorgons).

For the first time in my life I don't want to meet any new people or make any new friends, and it's all because of him. He trusted me ... and then he turned on me. In his eyes I let him down, even though in reality I didn't.

I don't ever want to let myself in for that kind of treatment ever again.

Ann

Firesong, this is not the way friends treat each other, nor is it the way loving couples treat each other, frankly the more I read the more odd it sounded.

He sounds like a person who sets up all the rules, watches to see if you play the way he wants (control), he chooses the venue, he chooses the sleeping arrangements, and the control get blurred with what appears to be affection.

His sense of who you are is a little sick, accusing you of things you have never done. You don't need to defend yourself against these kinds of accusations, you don't need to "prove" yourself to anyone...making you feel like you do is another form of control on his part.

I know your heart is sad and confused, but frankly, I would take a good look at all the red flags and call it a day with all of this.

If this is what I think it is, please be very careful if/when you call it off. Controlling people don't like it when they aren't the one controlling and it could get dangerous, seriously dangerous.

Is it drugs? Is it mental illness? I don't think it matters at this point, it's just creepy and dangerous.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. But I fear for you and think you need to put space and time between yourself and this man.

Hugs

dandylion

Firesong...I can't add much to what Ann has already said....and, I agree with her assessment..

I would just say ...don't beat yourself up...we can all get misled..
Don't spend too much time trying to "figure him out"....
I know that you are shocked and in some pain....but, you need to protect yourself and put this relationship behind you...

And, above all...keep yourself safe.....

Refiner

Wow this brought back memories for me of my BEST FRIEND (since high school) who "turned on me" in the most bizarre and confusing manner twisting truths about "things I'd done" to her which were 100% not true! She did this TWICE in fact! The first time (we were in our early 40's) we did not speak for a couple of years and "made up" and did stuff as best friends again. The 2nd time it happened, I said SEE YA and went complete no contact (it's been 6 years now). Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I've always wondered how and why she turned on me and her incorrect accusations and assumptions of me were BAFFLING still to this day! Personally, I wouldn't let whatever his deal is affect you and how you go about your relationships. Obviously there's a wire loose there somewhere - could be addiction-related or NOT. It doesn't really matter.

Firesong

Thanks, Ann and dandylion and Refiner. You all have made me feel better. When he and I were together (after the first few months, and always when we were at his house together) I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him all the time. I remember once he got mad at me for something I'd done weeks before. I had done it because I thought it was something he'd wanted me to do at the time, so when he got mad weeks later about it I was confused. I didn't know how to react so I didn't even try, and then he accused me of sulking. I told him I wasn't sulking because I wasn't a little kid and grown-ups don't sulk) but that I was confused. I also told him his anger scared me because he was bigger and stronger than me (although he never ever got physical or even acted like he was going to hit me). He said the temper didn't mean anything. But he never did it when he was at my place, just at his place or when we were on vacation away from home.

He told me once he had a bad temper. Well, so do I, but I don't scare people with it. I don't "scold" people or yell at them. Maybe I'm a coward!

Your analyses of his behavior have made me feel better. Thanks.

I haven't seen him in over a year. We haven't talked in 10 months (it was 10 months ago today the last time he called me, and that day we didn't really talk, he just yelled at me. It was over the phone.)

I think he accused me of the sex things because he was still paranoid about his boss or his relatives tapping his phone (I don't think anyone was) and he was afraid to yell at me about what he was really scared/mad at me about so he made up the sex stuff. He had to have something to accuse me of that would make me look bad to anyone tapping his phone, but not make him look bad to them.

I don't think anyone was listening in. I don't think anyone had tapped his phone. He was just paranoid. Even his other friend and his therapist said he was.

But even on the phone it was OK for him to talk about some things, but if I so much as said one wrong word, that wasn't OK because someone might be listening in. I couldn't keep track of what was OK and not OK to say, it was like dating James Bond or something.

Your analysis that I am better off without him makes me feel better because you are telling me that I am missing something that was very bad for me, instead of missing someone who was very good to me. That makes it a little less painful.

Thanks.

Ann

I'm glad you are no contact and have been for some time. There is something very wrong with him, it doesn't matter what it is but it seems dangerous to me and keeping a safe distance is very wise.

Something I learned some time ago about any relationship...pay attention to the red flags, each one means something. The other thing is that by the time I wonder about something, it IS that bad.

Hugs

Firesong

Thanks, Ann. I love your profile pic!