Jk1986

Every second of the day is like a roller coaster for me. I think about my husband every second of the day. Always wondering what he's doing, where he's at, when will he be the person I once knew. I have my moments when I feel strong & empowered to let him go but then I always regret telling him it's over. I always threaten him with divorce & all he says is "get the papers I'll sign them" but I dnt really want a divorce I just want to make him fight for me like I'm fighting for him. Sometimes I try talking myself into thinking it's ok for him to continue using crack just as long as he comes home to me and our 9 month old daughter. I'm ashamed to say it but I feel desperate enough to let him continue using so he doesn't have to be away for days at a time. No call no nothing. Then I get angry, how could u go days without seeing and talking to your beautiful wife & child?! It hurts so bad! I picture him meeting someone else and moving on and being a better everything to her & their future kids. When I think like this I get the worst feeling in my stomach. I can't move on. I can't let him go. I need him. I miss him so much. Why can't he just come bck & be the loving wonderful person he was before crack? I HATE CRACK!!!! It's ripped my little family apart. I have both parents in my life why can't my daughter have that? Wat did I do to deserve being in love with an addict? He has me wrapped around his finger. I always give in. He controls me. I love him so much. I wish this wasn't my life. He hits me when I dint believe his lies. He says he loves me at the same time. He says I make him do the things he does. I make him stay away. All I want to do is be his wife. How do I do it?

cece1960

(((Jk1986)))
No one deserves to be suffering as you are now. And there is no excuse for violence...none.
Please know that you did nothing to make him use, or to make him disappear for days. You deserve so much more in life, and so does your beautiful daughter.
Can you stay with family for a bit? Sometimes distance can help you to make good decisions about the future for you and your child.
I'm sorry you are in pain.

Jk1986

Thank u so much and we actually have our own apartment in my parent's building. He jus stays gone out in the streets. He's giving me room to breath but that's not wat I want I want my husband bck😔

Ann

((JK)) I am sorry this hurts so much and will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Violence escalates over time, please be very careful and protect yourself and your child. You have done nothing wrong, when he says it's your fault he is trying to justify his abuse, and there is never ever any justification for abuse of any kind. It's hard to see that when you are so emotionally upset, but please stay safe.

Hugs

dandylion

JK....I will just underline what the other members have said.
He abuses you....and that is just plain wrong. It is not your fault. They always blame the one that they abuse.
Keep yourself and your daughter safe.

We have all wanted our addict back....

I hope you will continue to read, here, on SR.....
There is a lot of knowledge, here......