Jk1986

Well as you all know I was in major denial about my husbands crack use. Even finding little balls of chore boy ( used as a screen for the crack pipe) wasn't enough for me to realize that it's not me its him. But the other day I went looking thru a pair of jeans he had just taken off & I found a small empty baggie with white residue (crack residue) in it. I confronted him about it and he said " that could've been a weed Baggie..u don't know" "don't accuse me of u don't have evidence" Lol this man has lost his mind! Well you guys will be proud of me bcuz I'm not second guessing anymore! Now I finally know why he stays away from me and his daughter...not bcuz I'm this horrible person he's been portraying me to be but becuz HE has a problem with something way worst than me! Feel free to comment!!

Ann

I am not sure why we (myself included) always felt compelled to "prove" what we already know, but I think it is just some form of validation that we are not crazy and that, yes, they ARE using drugs.

At some point we learn to just trust out instincts and no longer feel a need to prove anything. We know what we know, period.

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but if she is young you can be glad she didn't find that bag and think the white stuff inside was sugar or candy.

My heart goes out to you, you have some tough decisions to make. My prayers go out for you and your daughter, that you can find some kind of safety and peace in all this.

Hugs

ladyscribbler

It can be really hard when someone is denying what's right in your face. My ex could be staggering drunk, HOLDING a drink and swear to me that he hadn't been drinking. It's crazymaking, and I used to feel like I needed to "prove" what I already knew deep down was true. I used to tear the house apart looking for his bottle stashes, dumping booze down the sink, all of that. None of that behavior ever helped either of us one iota. He kept drinking and doing whatever he wanted, and I kept making myself crazy trying to force him to change.

I've read your other posts and see that you have a baby together, and also that your husband is violent. I was in the same situation with my alcoholic ex, though I stayed until the "baby" was four years old. He is still impacted by being exposed to our toxic behavior- hates loud noises and conflict, is nervous around strangers, especially men. I used to think he was "too little" to understand what was going on, but they are like sponges and absorb everything.

I wish that I had started attending some kind of support meetings for myself back then. I blamed everything on him and his drinking, and I thought that if he got sober all the other horrible behavior would stop too- the rages and violence and controlling. I started going to Alanon meetings after I left him for the second time (he was supposed to be going to meetings and getting sober during a "temporary" separation but it was all lies to reel me back in so his comfy life could keep going), and it has been a tremendous help with everything in my life.

I really didn't want to leave, but the kids and my safety had to come first, because he had no regard for anyone else. There is no way I could have pulled him out of the hole he was in, but he sure could have dragged us down there with him.

Jk1986

Thanks for you guys' replies and support. I really appreciate it coming frm people who actually understand my pain and have been thru what I'm going thru. It's just so hard to leave him. I feel like I'm going to lose something by leaving him. I love him so much. I really need God to help push me the way I'm supposed to go. Why is it this hard to leave a person who's clearly no good for me or my baby or HIMSELF?!

atalose

Your eyes see what your eyes see and your ears hear what your ears hear and when you are ready, the shell of denial cracks.
I know for me that even after my shell cracked I stayed stuck for a while, so unsure of what next until it just got so bad that I could no longer witness his self-destruction which was taking me down with it.
All of this does take time, time to process, time to step out of denial, time to make 2 plans, one that may include him and 1 that does not going forward in your life.

Progress not perfection!!!

ladyscribbler

I felt the same way. I think a big part of it was that I had so much hope invested in the idea of him getting sober. It seemed like the obvious solution. *I* wasn't the one destroying our family with addiction, so why should I have to do all that hard work and make that heart-wrenching choice when he could just stop drinking?

Of course I'd grab onto any little sign that he might be about to quit, always thinking that THIS night in jail or THIS trip to the emergency room would be what woke him up. It never was. Or he'd be hungover and broke and make an offhand comment about how he ought to stop spending so much down at the bar and I'd seize that and hang all my hopes on it until the next time he had a few dollars in his pocket and blew it all drinking when we needed diapers and the fridge was empty and the gas bill was due.

It's not easy to let go of that hope. I still have little moments where I think, maybe he'll finally man up and be a father to our son. I've been apart from him for 3 years now. Sending support and strength your way, and a big hug to your beautiful baby. You two deserve peace, happiness and safety in your home and in your lives.

peacelovesober

We should not have to prove to ourselves what we know. I have spent more years than i should have checking phone records figuring out where my AH was going what he was doing. And i always knew.

I have believed lies and used my own delusion to create hope that was never there. We can't project our hope onto our A. We can hope things get better but it rarely does. We tend to hold on to the recovery stories of those who recovered. But what we don't realize is that recovery is a proccess that involves honesty and work.

Recovery looks like recovery and using looks like using. Believe your instincts they are probably right on.

PlasticInsanity

Your post reminded me of my own experience. A couple years ago (wow, it's been 2 years since the fiasco already) I had a young couple move in with me who seemed great - she was really nice, and he said he worked at one of the steel plants in my area. Then the fun started - a week later he was arrested; not long after that he was fired (I found out he was just recently hired). The biggest red flag was the their regularly occurring screaming matches which if you walked by my house, you could hear clear as day. I was in NA at the time so I kept getting this gut feeling but I guess I thought that the signs would be more in my face? Their last fight (which my dad told me to talk to them about as we could hear them fighting at midnight, standing 2 doors down) I told the guy that their fighting was getting out of control and they'd have to do something about it. He said they planned on breaking up - the next day or two later, he's telling me they're moving out. Their reasoning was because the shower and oven weren't working properly which I'd already told them I was waiting on money from the bank to buy new appliances; but I wonder if I held off on that maybe a bit longer as a push to get them out, because 4 days after they left I had the shower fixed lol. I found drugs in their room after I had to clear out all of their crap - a mattress, a couple of dressers, and I also found a hole in the wall in my closet from what I'm guessing was one of their fights. They didn't return my key and I ended up changing the locks for peace of mind.

When I found the drugs I was almost excited, "I KNEW IT! I WAS RIGHT!". People looked at me like I was nuts lol. But this taught me 2 valuable lessons: #1 - always go with your gut feeling. When it won't go away, it's fighting to tell you something. Listen to it. #2-Don't feel like you have to put up with crap, especially in your own home. I let them take away my safe space, and I didn't want to be in my own home anymore. I needed the money so I thought I had to put up with it, and because I couldn't cope with the situation (dealing with it vs. kicking them out) I turned back to drugs. I don't blame them for my using, but I still look back on that as an example of what can happen when I don't put my recovery (or sanity lol) first.

Sorry that was long and kudos to anybody who reads all that lol.