Sunshine1234

Trying hard not to have a "woe is me day"...but my daughter started her first day of pre school today and all the moms and dads were there and of course my STBXAH wasn't (he didn't even remember she was starting school). It just infuriates me that this is what my life has become and my kids are getting cheated out of a good and supportive dad. I also feel like I'm living a lie where I put on a smile for others but inside I'm crushed by the direction my life is going at the moment. The wild ride is coming to this week...husband is getting served the divorce papers and I know s$it is going to hit the fan. So many changes in my life and my children's right now....it's hard to keep calm. Just looking for some advice from others who have gone through this and who have to be single parents because their spouse just doesn't step up to the plate. Thanks for listening to me vent.

ladyscribbler

Sending a big hug your way sunshine. And congratulations on your little girl's big day. I know how hard it is to keep on a brave face sometimes. It does get easier. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago- just left my ex, youngest starting pre-k (he's in second grade now).

It might get harder before it gets easier. I know that's not what you want to hear, sorry. My ex was irate about paying child support and me trying to get sobriety restrictions in place for his visits. He married someone who enabled him to drag out the court fight against me for a year until the custody trial where the judge laid down strict guidelines regarding treatment, etc.

I guess somehow it never dawned on him or his wife (or their lawyer, apparently) that only an alcoholic would argue that they need to be able to drink while caring for children.

What helped me with those moments you're experiencing, those milestones where the a parent SHOULD be there, or at least want to be, was to adjust my expectations. I had to get rid of those "shoulds", because that kind of thinking only hurt me. I've started planning those milestone days as special time for me and DS, and try to let go of the image of a perfect family.

zoso77

Does it get better?

Sure. In time it does. But for now, you're going to have to buckle up and ride out the emotional storm. There's no getting around it. The best way to ride it out is to accept that this is where you currently are, and although it sucks, it's not forever.

There's a flip side to this argument. By leaving your STBAXH, you're sparing your kids the trauma that would undoubtedly happen if they were exposed to parent in active addiction. Yes, they deserve to have a father who is present in their lives. Sadly, your STBAXH is not that man, and as such, you're doing the right thing by protecting your children from him.

Ann

I am sorry you are going through this, and hope your child's first day was fun.

A child is happier living in a home with one loving and healthy parent then living with two people who are strained at best.

I agree with the poster above, you will probably have good days and bad days but know that soon the bad days will be fewer and fewer.

You sound like a wonderful mother, your child will learn from you.

Hugs

PuzzledHeart

Zoso is right. I almost hate to say this, but it could have been worse.

My sister showed up at my college graduation and became verbally abusive to my mother. And after an hour of this I couldn't take it anymore so I had to kick her out. There were witnesses so she couldn't say that I was making a big deal out of nothing. I can't describe the mortification and humiliation I felt in front of my professors and classmates.

Your child didn't have STBAXH show up, but it's so much better than him making a scene right then and there. Your child had a chance to start her first day of pre-school with YOU, steadfast and strong, and that is something that you should not dismiss.

Sunshine1234

Ladyscribbler...you are right...I need to let go of the shoulds and realize there is no perfect family but at this time this is what is right for me and the kids. I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better especially after he learns I am asking for random drug tests.

Zoso...so true there is a flip side and I have to keep telling myself he can't be that guy for me or his kids. Not now and maybe not ever. I just hope for their sake he can one day become a positive influence in their lives. But from everything I'm reading I'm not holding my breath.

Ann...thank you! I'm putting everything into my kids...they keep me going and happy and able to get through this because I will do ANY and everything to make sure they are safe and happy.

Ann

You are a good mother, Sunshine, facing a difficult situation. Your children will be happy with you.

Hugs

mamaof3boyz

Right now your babies know they have a loving mother to depend on, and receive unconditional love and support. You are their loving rock and just you is enough! You are enough! You can do this! Stay strong and keep that smile on your face even when it hurts. You got this and you have us!

TropicalWinter

Just chiming in quickly b/c I need to go to bed, but I'm in a very similar situation. It does suck, but our children will be so much better off than they would be if their addict dads were still living at home. I shudder to think of him living here anymore - him leaving us was the best thing he ever did for us, even though it's been really hard.

Hugs to you, we'll get through this and be so much stronger for it.

Hechosedrugs

I'm sorry you're going through this. I remember feeling the same way when I took my kids to a Christmas with Santa event. I saw so many doting dads (at least they appeared to be) and I thought, "WHY US?" Why can't my children have this? But then again, my AX always was good at playing that role. I did all the work behind the scenes and then let him play the starring role in public. So all his friends and family think he's the one who pulled all the weight, even though he did diddly squat for them. I homeschooled the kids (and they're testing a year above grade level), did all of the house work, taught them to swim, dedicated my every waking moment to them while he was out getting high or playing World of Warcraft, but man... could he put on a show when we were out and about.

I'm not saying good dads don't exist- I have one. He's incredible. Just that appearances can be deceiving.

Wishing you peace and strength.

Sunshine1234

Thank you so much! You guys have been a huge support system for me through this. ❤️

Sunshine1234

I know it's so true and I have to keep telling myself this. I am so much happier being without him. My stress level is MUCH lower.

Leaflet

Divorce is so tough when you have little ones! It would be great if they had a supportive Dad, but not everyone does. They have you as a supportive mom, and they are lucky there! Just a thought- my ex is horrible, and he insists on being in my daughter's life. If your ex doesn't care enough to remember important things like starting preschool, maybe it's a blessing that he's not there. Be proud that you and your daughter have made it to such a big milestone, and know that your ex is the one missing out on his family by not being there. It's his loss. He can't get this time with his kids back.

Sunshine1234

I keep telling myself that everyone has their own story and I don't know what goes on in others lives so I shouldn't sit there and think people have the "perfect family". My ex put on a show too athough many people didn't buy it. I tried to convince myself he was a changed man but now I know the denial I was in. Thank you for responding and helping me feel better...hugs!

PlasticInsanity

I remember when my niece had her first day of Kindergarten, and my sister couldn't even get out of bed. I was ready to wring her neck lol. It does get easier, but like someone said it takes time.

I'm in recovery myself (NA), and a fellow member pointed out to me that I had to give myself time and space to cry. Crying is still really uncomfortable for me, but I had to allow myself to grieve that loss. Not a physical death, but a spiritual one.

This past Father's Day, my niece was really upset because we couldn't find her Dad (who's also in active addiction) and she wanted to give him a gift. The toughest part about this was that I wanted to validate her feelings without putting him down. "No my girl, this is not your fault. Your father is a good person, but the way he is acting is not right, and you have every right to be upset". I grew up in a home of alcoholism, and nobody told me what was/wasn't my doing so of course I just took it all on (helloooo Codependency). I'm just mentioning this to you now because I'm sure this will come up for you eventually if it hasn't already, and it's healthy to address their feelings rather than just 'sweep it under the rug'. I'm not an expert on it, and I've kind of stumbled on words trying to find the right to say (whoops) but I also know what doing the complete opposite does to a child.

Good luck. You've got this.

hope778

Sunshine - I am in a similar boat - AH and I are still "together" (married on paper) but not living together as of now while he gets his stuff together... We have a beautiful, young son for whom I have been a single mother for since the day he was born. All due to AH's addiction... Even when AH was "around," he wasn't.

We are one of the strongest groups of individuals I know - single parents that is. We are finding strengths we never knew we had, and we don't take giving up as an option. I am proud of you and others like us. Keep on keeping on for your children. I know you know this, but they deserve the world. Hugs from a fellow single mom who understands what it is like to save face day in and day out!

Sunshine1234

Thank you for the hugs and sending them back to you as well! Yes I agree...I have dug very deep during this time and I am surprised at my will and determination. I will do WHATEVER it takes to make sure my kids are healthy and happy. When you live with an addict you are basically a single parent and taking care of them too...so I do feel like I have one less child now that he's not around.