Wife in Recovery, now she feels "disconnected" from me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 6
Wife in Recovery, now she feels "disconnected" from me.
Hi Everybody,
Im new to this forum and this is my first post. This place has been a wealth of info to me so far (past 24 hours).
In my situation, my wife is a recovering opiate addict. We've been together for 10 years and married almost 4 this September. Im 34 and she's 33. She's just passed her 9 month sobriety recently and she's doing great in recovery thus far. When her addiction came to light 9 months ago it was the biggest kick in the nuts to me. She was fired from her nursing job for diverting wasted medication. Naturally she was a wreck when it happened for several weeks. Very apologetic to me, emotionally needy, asking me not to leave her which I never intended to do. I told her this repeatedly. I was there for her and still am. Im not a cryer but I did a few times that weekend and since. To her credit she got into therapy and NA quickly, as well as finding a new job (for much less money). Fast forward 9 months and our relationship is at the lowest point its ever been. I am not a part of her recovery (her choice though its not really talked about Ive just never been included, and Ive tried.) She spends a great deal of time with her friends from NA. I've never met them or her sponsor. She is gone 4-5 nights a week it usually. This is the cause of my suffering in the relationship. She never went to an inpatient rehab but my gut tells me that she has romantic feelings for someone other than myself and has possibly acted on those feelings. Someone from her group I mean as I know that several are single guys. I have no proof, just my gut. She denies it of course. A few weeks ago she went camping with these NA folks specifically to get away from me! That was a tough 3 days for me.
We are in marriage counseling now. Her idea from months ago. Im glad we did go and pissed at myself for waiting so long. In counseling she revealed that she "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore." We have "no connection" like we used to as she put it. She has no reasons for why that is. This fuels my thoughts of infidelity. My reasoning for the disconnect is because she has more or less moved on without me and our marriage is the thing she spends the least amount of time on. Our work schedules are opposite so naturally we don't have a lot of time available and thats not her fault but I still resent her slightly for not wanting to share the little time we have together. Im going to a day shift in 3 weeks so we'll see how that affects things. I want to be part of her recovery but I can't force that on her as I'm learning. She mentioned in counseling that she isn't sure if she associates me with her period of using. As long as I've known her she always smoked weed and was taking some kind of prescribed pill (xanax,celexa,) or Ibuprofen etc. It concerned me back then and I let her know it many times but it didn't click in my head that she was an addict. For that Im mad at myself. Im not a drug user or alcohol abuser though I drink socially (less these days). I stopped smoking weed shortly after we met a decade ago.
Our life right now is that of roommates. We still have sex occasionally but its very forced and barely enjoyable. We have no children (thankfully in retrospect), but we tried for 3 years. Unexplained infertility the doctors told us. That certainly added stress to the situation. To me that almost seems like divine intervention that we couldn't conceive. That sounds bad as I read it but it is what it is. Ive read that the first year of sobriety is the most confusing/difficult for the addict and that no major changes should really occur so Im rolling with that for now. I hope her feelings about me improve but I know now that I have no control over that. I can only be me and try to be the best me Ive ever been. I feel like Im starting my life over really. I need to get to a Naranon meeting soon, since I don't really have a support group besides my mom. I have friends but its not something I can talk about to them at this time.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I couldn't stop writing once I started. If anyone is going through something similar or has gone through it or knows of a similar situation I'd love to hear some feedback. I'll be checking this site regularly so feel free to reply or drop me a line if anyone wants to chat privately. Peace to you all!
Chris
Im new to this forum and this is my first post. This place has been a wealth of info to me so far (past 24 hours).
In my situation, my wife is a recovering opiate addict. We've been together for 10 years and married almost 4 this September. Im 34 and she's 33. She's just passed her 9 month sobriety recently and she's doing great in recovery thus far. When her addiction came to light 9 months ago it was the biggest kick in the nuts to me. She was fired from her nursing job for diverting wasted medication. Naturally she was a wreck when it happened for several weeks. Very apologetic to me, emotionally needy, asking me not to leave her which I never intended to do. I told her this repeatedly. I was there for her and still am. Im not a cryer but I did a few times that weekend and since. To her credit she got into therapy and NA quickly, as well as finding a new job (for much less money). Fast forward 9 months and our relationship is at the lowest point its ever been. I am not a part of her recovery (her choice though its not really talked about Ive just never been included, and Ive tried.) She spends a great deal of time with her friends from NA. I've never met them or her sponsor. She is gone 4-5 nights a week it usually. This is the cause of my suffering in the relationship. She never went to an inpatient rehab but my gut tells me that she has romantic feelings for someone other than myself and has possibly acted on those feelings. Someone from her group I mean as I know that several are single guys. I have no proof, just my gut. She denies it of course. A few weeks ago she went camping with these NA folks specifically to get away from me! That was a tough 3 days for me.
We are in marriage counseling now. Her idea from months ago. Im glad we did go and pissed at myself for waiting so long. In counseling she revealed that she "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore." We have "no connection" like we used to as she put it. She has no reasons for why that is. This fuels my thoughts of infidelity. My reasoning for the disconnect is because she has more or less moved on without me and our marriage is the thing she spends the least amount of time on. Our work schedules are opposite so naturally we don't have a lot of time available and thats not her fault but I still resent her slightly for not wanting to share the little time we have together. Im going to a day shift in 3 weeks so we'll see how that affects things. I want to be part of her recovery but I can't force that on her as I'm learning. She mentioned in counseling that she isn't sure if she associates me with her period of using. As long as I've known her she always smoked weed and was taking some kind of prescribed pill (xanax,celexa,) or Ibuprofen etc. It concerned me back then and I let her know it many times but it didn't click in my head that she was an addict. For that Im mad at myself. Im not a drug user or alcohol abuser though I drink socially (less these days). I stopped smoking weed shortly after we met a decade ago.
Our life right now is that of roommates. We still have sex occasionally but its very forced and barely enjoyable. We have no children (thankfully in retrospect), but we tried for 3 years. Unexplained infertility the doctors told us. That certainly added stress to the situation. To me that almost seems like divine intervention that we couldn't conceive. That sounds bad as I read it but it is what it is. Ive read that the first year of sobriety is the most confusing/difficult for the addict and that no major changes should really occur so Im rolling with that for now. I hope her feelings about me improve but I know now that I have no control over that. I can only be me and try to be the best me Ive ever been. I feel like Im starting my life over really. I need to get to a Naranon meeting soon, since I don't really have a support group besides my mom. I have friends but its not something I can talk about to them at this time.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I couldn't stop writing once I started. If anyone is going through something similar or has gone through it or knows of a similar situation I'd love to hear some feedback. I'll be checking this site regularly so feel free to reply or drop me a line if anyone wants to chat privately. Peace to you all!
Chris
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR, Powerskater,
I found it very helpful to pour my heart our here. It helped a lot.
So it's been 9 months and you have not been to any support meetings for you? Your W has not asked you to attend an open meeting? Although her recovery is her own, within the marriage you should have the right to attend a few open meetings to get an idea of what it's like. do you have a way to contact her sponsor? Have you met her sponsor? Your instincts could be 100% accurate and showing up at a few open meetings, meeting her sponsor, being introduced to a few of her recovery friends will help you determine if you are right or merely feeling put out that her recovery is all encompassing.
For you, Al Anon might be just as adequate to work on your recovery. In most areas Al Anon might have more meetings. You could try counseling on your own too. I did counseling, worked the steps myself, have a sponsor, and did some meetings to get my own history, outlook, and goals in order. But SR was integral to my process of change.
You might want to edit your post if that is your real name. Between location, name, and pouring your heart out...
I wrote a lot of stuff here and maybe some of it will help you as my Marriage is no longer like it was. You are not alone. Take care!
I found it very helpful to pour my heart our here. It helped a lot.
So it's been 9 months and you have not been to any support meetings for you? Your W has not asked you to attend an open meeting? Although her recovery is her own, within the marriage you should have the right to attend a few open meetings to get an idea of what it's like. do you have a way to contact her sponsor? Have you met her sponsor? Your instincts could be 100% accurate and showing up at a few open meetings, meeting her sponsor, being introduced to a few of her recovery friends will help you determine if you are right or merely feeling put out that her recovery is all encompassing.
For you, Al Anon might be just as adequate to work on your recovery. In most areas Al Anon might have more meetings. You could try counseling on your own too. I did counseling, worked the steps myself, have a sponsor, and did some meetings to get my own history, outlook, and goals in order. But SR was integral to my process of change.
You might want to edit your post if that is your real name. Between location, name, and pouring your heart out...
I wrote a lot of stuff here and maybe some of it will help you as my Marriage is no longer like it was. You are not alone. Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 6
Thanks for your reply. No I have not been to any meetings for myself yet but intend to once my work schedule changes to a day shift in 3 weeks. My wife hasn't introduced me to ANYONE from NA. She has numerous friends and acquaintances after 9 months now. Even her best friend (non from NA) since childhood thought it was strange that she hasn't done that. Naturally I think the worst case scenario is reality and hopefully I'm wrong but its tough to go against a gut feeling.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is no reason to shut a spouse out just because a person is in recovery. They recommend no "new" relationships for a year but also encourage trying to salvage a marriage or long term existing relationship.
Open meetings allow friends and family to come and listen to speakers and members of the group share. My son invited me to several of his meetings and I found it informative and helpful as well as just plain interesting,
That led me to finding my own meetings, CoDA and Al-anon were the two fellowships I attended. I learned to work on my own issues and find a healthier, happier way to live. My son has been gone for years now, but I still practice my program in all aspects of my life and am happy to have it when times get rough.
I encourage you to try meetings too, there are often day and evening meetings so you could probably find some that fit your working schedule.
However this unfolds, I hope you find your own peace and happiness.
Hugs
Open meetings allow friends and family to come and listen to speakers and members of the group share. My son invited me to several of his meetings and I found it informative and helpful as well as just plain interesting,
That led me to finding my own meetings, CoDA and Al-anon were the two fellowships I attended. I learned to work on my own issues and find a healthier, happier way to live. My son has been gone for years now, but I still practice my program in all aspects of my life and am happy to have it when times get rough.
I encourage you to try meetings too, there are often day and evening meetings so you could probably find some that fit your working schedule.
However this unfolds, I hope you find your own peace and happiness.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Powerskater....the first year of recovery can be j ust as hard on the partner as it is on the addict.
I agree with CodeJob that a personal counselor for yourself might be a good idea. You do need face to face person to talk to! Maybe, one that is also skilled in addiction issues, also..but not absolutely necessary.
It is said that her recovery is supposed to be her concern...but, I get the impression that she is in a mixed group....and, not an all female group, at this point?
I know that in AA, at least, it is strongly encouraged that the sexes be in separate groups...for obvious reasons. I am not in AA myself, but, that is what I have always heard.
It is important to take care of yourself...no matter how things unfold....
I agree with CodeJob that a personal counselor for yourself might be a good idea. You do need face to face person to talk to! Maybe, one that is also skilled in addiction issues, also..but not absolutely necessary.
It is said that her recovery is supposed to be her concern...but, I get the impression that she is in a mixed group....and, not an all female group, at this point?
I know that in AA, at least, it is strongly encouraged that the sexes be in separate groups...for obvious reasons. I am not in AA myself, but, that is what I have always heard.
It is important to take care of yourself...no matter how things unfold....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: denver,co
Posts: 29
How are you doing? I just read your post and my husband is i recovery. He spent 9mths in rehab and everythig was amazing until 3 weeks before his release and he told me as well he wasnt in love with me etc. Basically the same stuff your wife said. Im not sure if he met someone or what but he is living at home but doesnt say i love you wony attend counseling and we have sex occasially but it is to like having a room mate. I have been told its just a hard adjustment or he has guilt or etc but does it get easier? Are things getting better in your situation? Its hard and i am tired of these highs and lows of emotions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 6
Hi. Sorry for my late reply. And sorry for the situation that you are in as well. I haven't been on this site in a while because it felt like things were slowly getting better. I think what it really was was that I started a new job and my mind was off of our marriage problems for a while. The situation has been pretty blah lately. By that i mean, we don't talk very much. She is still going strong in her recovery and working 2 jobs. She hangs out with her sober friends as much as she can each week. We haven't done too much together besides see a movie last weekend. She was going to go to a halloween party with me last weekend and then bailed on me the morning of (which pissed me off but it didn't surprise me since she would have been the only one not drinking there so I try to remind myself how I would feel in that situation).
Since then I haven't really been talking to her. A lot of our problems are my silence. I become distant and closed off when it feels like she's doing her own thing. It creates a cycle of shittiness. We still go to counseling. At this point its anyones guess as to what will happen with us.
Anyway, I hope your situation turns out well for you and your H. Take care.
Since then I haven't really been talking to her. A lot of our problems are my silence. I become distant and closed off when it feels like she's doing her own thing. It creates a cycle of shittiness. We still go to counseling. At this point its anyones guess as to what will happen with us.
Anyway, I hope your situation turns out well for you and your H. Take care.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
powersk.....my 2 cents---don't forget to consider birth control. I have seen more than one couple who got a "surprise" pregnancy when they had long accepted that they were infertile!
Since she is abstinent and you are in couples therapy....that seems to be the place to bring up your concerns about the long term viability of the relationship. You are 50 per cent of the marriage,,,and, your feelings are as important as hers.
Since she is abstinent and you are in couples therapy....that seems to be the place to bring up your concerns about the long term viability of the relationship. You are 50 per cent of the marriage,,,and, your feelings are as important as hers.
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