Indigochild

I ended it with my addict boyfriend. I deserve more than to be a tool for his addiction. It hurts so bad. Did he ever genuinely love me or was it simply the rush of the chemicals flooding his brain that made him look at me in awe?

He lives his life in his way but I am choosing to live mine separated from that way.

Logic is here for me but that is all. I miss him terribly, the manipulative charmer that he is.

IC.

zoso77

Indigo...

What you did was incredibly brave. It was also necessary if you want to be sane and healthy.

I've come to hate this question for a lot of reasons, primarily because it assumes black and white, binary logic, and the world is seldom black and white. In my view, he likely did the best with what he had. Addicts are operating at a deficit, and because of this, they aren't capable being a responsible partner in a romantic relationship. How can they be when they're busy indulging themselves? What room is there for another person? None. But this doesn't mean he didn't care about you. What it does mean, ultimately, is he wasn't capable of being what you needed him to be, and this has nothing to do with you.

As for the dichotomy of missing him while knowing he's a manipulative charmer, that's pretty normal. I'd be more worried if you didn't miss him.

Stay strong. You did the right thing.

AnvilheadII

tough choices. give yourself time to process it all, and allow yourself to grieve. wishing you the best.

Ann

It takes real courage to make the break, and more courage to endure the bad days with the good.

You did the right thing, staying with an active addict never gets better.

Hugs

atalose

Endings are hard, none of us ever want to make that choice, its never easy. Yet its the healthiest choice we can make for ourselves.
Sorry it hurts so much.

Sissyfuss

You are now entering into your own recovery phase, Ann and things will improve in your life because you've made a healthy choice to not participate in someone else's addiction. It is time for self care and self discovery. You'll be amazed at how good life can be. Huge hugs and best wishes.

Sissyfuss

Sorry Indigo, lost my focus a bit. Best wishes to you too, Ann.

Indigochild

Thank you all. It's not easy at all because I do love him. He is at a seriously bad stage with Crack now. He is in full blown addiction. The relentless need for it is consuming his mind to the point of me not really fitting in it anymore. It's just such a shame.
There isn't much I can say because we all know already how it goes. I just have no one to speak to that understands this stuff.
I guess with a 20+ year habbit and us being together over two years before I saw him like this, he must have hid it well. It's not a pretty sight and I guess I was just misled. Anyway, sorry to ramble it just feels better to have somewhere to let it out.

IC.