My Parents Don't Understand
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
My Parents Don't Understand
Let me preface by saying, I understand when deep in my codependency I did not make good self-care decisions. I let AH call the shots. My parents witnessed this to an extent, and it hurt them to see me hurting. (If only they knew everything that went on...)
My mom responded by crying, my dad responded by yelling at me in a condescending tone with things such as "Why do you put up with this crap?!" "We raised you better than this!" "You are dumb to put up with him" "Why are you not PISSED!?" .... His responses are riddled with head shaking and attempts to lump me in with my AH's decisions. He always throws in the fact that I should not be waiting around for him to "get better" - never failing to remind me that he is not worth it, and I deserve better.
I feel I have struggled forever with getting my parents' approval. I touched on this in my last post (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-way-i-am.html). I was never organized enough, haven't reached financial stability like they all have, never really "had it together" like the other members of my immediate family seemed to. I was the free-spirit of the family, and was never really encouraged to be my own individual. If I was not main stream enough in my decision making/ideas/etc it was pointed out and politely scoffed at.
So, now, I am the family member with a wrecked marriage. Seems only fitting, right? The daughter/sibling who was the free-spirit, did not know how to make sound decisions, winds up in a marriage like mine. So, now, my parents feel they must step in again and save me from my own decisions. They want me badly to steer my life and future in the direction they want it to go in. They both reference a future without my AH. They are confident I would find someone better, more stable, who could take care of me. I get it.... In fact, that is exactly what I want. That is what any sane human being wants - a stable, safe, mutually respectful relationship. But I need them to understand that may be with my AH, or it may not be. Either way, I need to be able to make the decisions without scrutiny from outsiders who have never been in my shoes.
Hopping down off my soapbox now.
My mom responded by crying, my dad responded by yelling at me in a condescending tone with things such as "Why do you put up with this crap?!" "We raised you better than this!" "You are dumb to put up with him" "Why are you not PISSED!?" .... His responses are riddled with head shaking and attempts to lump me in with my AH's decisions. He always throws in the fact that I should not be waiting around for him to "get better" - never failing to remind me that he is not worth it, and I deserve better.
I feel I have struggled forever with getting my parents' approval. I touched on this in my last post (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-way-i-am.html). I was never organized enough, haven't reached financial stability like they all have, never really "had it together" like the other members of my immediate family seemed to. I was the free-spirit of the family, and was never really encouraged to be my own individual. If I was not main stream enough in my decision making/ideas/etc it was pointed out and politely scoffed at.
So, now, I am the family member with a wrecked marriage. Seems only fitting, right? The daughter/sibling who was the free-spirit, did not know how to make sound decisions, winds up in a marriage like mine. So, now, my parents feel they must step in again and save me from my own decisions. They want me badly to steer my life and future in the direction they want it to go in. They both reference a future without my AH. They are confident I would find someone better, more stable, who could take care of me. I get it.... In fact, that is exactly what I want. That is what any sane human being wants - a stable, safe, mutually respectful relationship. But I need them to understand that may be with my AH, or it may not be. Either way, I need to be able to make the decisions without scrutiny from outsiders who have never been in my shoes.
Hopping down off my soapbox now.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hope, how you are, the person you are today IS good enough! You have endured your own struggles and learned your own lessons and made your own decisions...and as an adult you get to continue to do that, whether your folks endorse your choices or not.
I understand that they are concerned for you and don't want to see you hurt anymore, and any parent is sure to hover or try to get you to "snap out of it" without understanding your heart and your feelings. Maybe cut them some slack for caring but let their behaviour be on them and not you.
There is an old saying here "What others think of me is none of my business", meaning we have to live our lives and if we feel good about ourselves at the end of the day...that's enough and it matters not what others think.
Have you tried any meetings? I know that for me, meetings helped me find my balance and recover my self-esteem, giving me the strength to make better decisions about my life or at least make decisions with more clarity.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I am adding some hugs because you sound like you could use them.
Hugs
I understand that they are concerned for you and don't want to see you hurt anymore, and any parent is sure to hover or try to get you to "snap out of it" without understanding your heart and your feelings. Maybe cut them some slack for caring but let their behaviour be on them and not you.
There is an old saying here "What others think of me is none of my business", meaning we have to live our lives and if we feel good about ourselves at the end of the day...that's enough and it matters not what others think.
Have you tried any meetings? I know that for me, meetings helped me find my balance and recover my self-esteem, giving me the strength to make better decisions about my life or at least make decisions with more clarity.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I am adding some hugs because you sound like you could use them.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
P.S. I have always been considered the family gypsy because I have always danced to my own tune and never put down roots like the rest of my family, changing cities, careers and lifestyles a few times before I settled into semi-retirement. Today the label is more affectionate, and they understand that I like my life just the way it is and wouldn't have it any other way. I don't have to be just like them, and I sure as heck don't expect them to be just like me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hope778.....I found that I didn't need to let my family know the details of my life, in the important areas. Everything is based on a "need to know" basis.
They can't be upset about things that they don't know.
I, also, suggest that you should give them a l ittle slack for not being thrilled about a situation that has/is hurting you.
I understand that you have a small child ?
If that is so....I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that you want the very best in life, for him/her.....
Now, if he/she came to you and said..."Mamma, my spouse is addicted to heroine, and I am going through H***...."
Really, would you say: "Not to worry, darling...I am just so happy that you are in love. Do whatever you need to do to save him/her."
REALLY?
Maybe, it would help to detach much more from your parents and any enmeshment you may have developed with them.....
You don't have to be mean or to argue with them....just don't share the stuff with them.....
You are right that they will never understand this....so, just talk to those who do understand.....
They can't be upset about things that they don't know.
I, also, suggest that you should give them a l ittle slack for not being thrilled about a situation that has/is hurting you.
I understand that you have a small child ?
If that is so....I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that you want the very best in life, for him/her.....
Now, if he/she came to you and said..."Mamma, my spouse is addicted to heroine, and I am going through H***...."
Really, would you say: "Not to worry, darling...I am just so happy that you are in love. Do whatever you need to do to save him/her."
REALLY?
Maybe, it would help to detach much more from your parents and any enmeshment you may have developed with them.....
You don't have to be mean or to argue with them....just don't share the stuff with them.....
You are right that they will never understand this....so, just talk to those who do understand.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
One concept that I've learned to help me deal with my parents is just because they give me something, whether its money or advice, it doesn't mean I have to take it. What I value isn't what necessarily what my parents value, and vice versa.
This is going to seem somewhat corny, but... one thing that I sense in your posts is that you want approval and love from your parents and your AH but you never ask for love from yourself.
There's this phrase that I love: "Sin Bravely". And I love that phrase for so many reasons. It certainly gives me the courage to embrace my mistakes and flaws. And it also serves as a filter of sorts: when I act on something, is my action based on fear or is it based on courage? Am I doing this because I'm concerned of what other people think of me, or is this something that I truly embrace? Am I doing this to prove something to other people (such as, I'm staying in this relationship to PROVE YOU WRONG (and I've been very guilty of that), or is this something that I need to prove for myself? Or maybe it's a little bit of both and I need to figure out what my tipping point is?
It's really liberating to say "Screw it, F%$# it, WHO CARES?" and really mean it. To think "Well, everybody thinks I'm effing up anyway so I might as well do what's right." Not what's easy. What's right. And it applies to everybody, your parents, your AH, and even the people at SR. If you feel in your heart that your action, even if it ends up being a mistake, represents the best of yourself, your action represents you at your most honest, then frankly, who gives a flying hoot what others think?
When I pointed the finger at my abuser, other people, including my own dad, told me to stop. But I knew what was right and true and I wasn't going to let them stop me. I've encountered situations at work where I knew I was going to get crap for what I said, but I had to say it anyway, because in the end, the only approval that really mattered was my own.
But by the way...
I have to admit, I winced. From a purely strategic point of view, that phrase really accomplishes nothing at all and sounds like it came from a place of pure anger. But maybe not anger AT you, but anger FOR you.
OK. End of my soapbox. ;-)
This is going to seem somewhat corny, but... one thing that I sense in your posts is that you want approval and love from your parents and your AH but you never ask for love from yourself.
There's this phrase that I love: "Sin Bravely". And I love that phrase for so many reasons. It certainly gives me the courage to embrace my mistakes and flaws. And it also serves as a filter of sorts: when I act on something, is my action based on fear or is it based on courage? Am I doing this because I'm concerned of what other people think of me, or is this something that I truly embrace? Am I doing this to prove something to other people (such as, I'm staying in this relationship to PROVE YOU WRONG (and I've been very guilty of that), or is this something that I need to prove for myself? Or maybe it's a little bit of both and I need to figure out what my tipping point is?
It's really liberating to say "Screw it, F%$# it, WHO CARES?" and really mean it. To think "Well, everybody thinks I'm effing up anyway so I might as well do what's right." Not what's easy. What's right. And it applies to everybody, your parents, your AH, and even the people at SR. If you feel in your heart that your action, even if it ends up being a mistake, represents the best of yourself, your action represents you at your most honest, then frankly, who gives a flying hoot what others think?
When I pointed the finger at my abuser, other people, including my own dad, told me to stop. But I knew what was right and true and I wasn't going to let them stop me. I've encountered situations at work where I knew I was going to get crap for what I said, but I had to say it anyway, because in the end, the only approval that really mattered was my own.
But by the way...
"You are dumb to put up with this."
OK. End of my soapbox. ;-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm in a similar position. I'm divorcing my AH, and my parents have been so helpful- but their help is never truly "no strings attached". It seems the more I accept their help, the more they feel they can tell me what to do. And I'm really in no position to turn away any help- okay, let's just call it what it is- money.
Prayers for you that you can establish the boundaries I haven't yet been able to.
Prayers for you that you can establish the boundaries I haven't yet been able to.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown is a wonderful book if you're in to reading. It helped me to embrace my own imperfections and accept the imperfections of others.
My parents hated my first husband (XAH). I had many of the same feelings you have expressed. But when my marriage fell apart, my parents were there.....they loved me until I was able to love myself again.
I will always be grateful for their love, even when I felt they didn't do it exactly like I thought they should.
My parents hated my first husband (XAH). I had many of the same feelings you have expressed. But when my marriage fell apart, my parents were there.....they loved me until I was able to love myself again.
I will always be grateful for their love, even when I felt they didn't do it exactly like I thought they should.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I will always be grateful for their love, even when I felt they didn't do it exactly like I thought they should.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
It seems the more I accept their help, the more they feel they can tell me what to do.
It just feels like they still speak to me like a child sometimes. I am no longer a child, haven't been for a while, and have a child of my own
But again, maybe that is a "parent thing."
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dandylion - Yes, you are right. I want the absolute best for my DS. I try to put myself in my parents' shoes in that respect, and it does help me understand and back down from those hostile feelings that occasionally creep up in me.
It is strange, I have to remind myself of the basic point you made - I can let them know what I want, and keep to myself what I would like to. I can take my place as their adult daughter, and be that - an independent adult!
It is strange, I have to remind myself of the basic point you made - I can let them know what I want, and keep to myself what I would like to. I can take my place as their adult daughter, and be that - an independent adult!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Ann, your words are always so helpful.
I love this --
I have been to meetings, but it has been a while. I have since joined a small group at my church and have been receiving counseling through church. Both have made a great difference. I do think I will start going to meetings again when counseling ends. I am thinking about Celebrate Recovery this time.
I love this --
Originally Posted by Ann
There is an old saying here "What others think of me is none of my business", meaning we have to live our lives and if we feel good about ourselves at the end of the day...that's enough and it matters not what others think.
I have been to meetings, but it has been a while. I have since joined a small group at my church and have been receiving counseling through church. Both have made a great difference. I do think I will start going to meetings again when counseling ends. I am thinking about Celebrate Recovery this time.
Last edited by hope778; 09-06-2016 at 12:42 PM. Reason: typo
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PuzzledHeart - you are right. I have worried too long what others think or what I could do to make them love me in a way that makes me feel good. That is no way to live. I have struggled with loving myself in the past, but I really feel as I get older, that is being replaced by a feeling of self pride and confidence. Honestly, this whole experience with AH has been the first very hard and traumatizing thing I have had to experience in life. It is forcing me to find myself and look within. I find myself amazed at my strength sometimes. I like to joke that some days I am not sure how I am even upright anymore (being a single mother practically, working full time, you get the gist). It is empowering when you realize your worth does not come from others - not even your close family. They love you, but they do not define you.
Last edited by hope778; 09-06-2016 at 12:48 PM. Reason: typo
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