Enabling vs detachment when not severing ties
 

This is a bit like another thread, but a bit unlike it, so I thought I'd go ahead and post.

I'm finding myself very unsure in the "healthy" way to deal with my brother. He came over to my house this weekend (and I've MISSED him) and I found myself questioning almost every interaction.

This is the thing - for now, I'm trying to accept that he'll only recover when or if he is ready. I'm doing my best not to do anything enabling while also not trying to control him... that's where things get pretty murky. I'm not interested in severing contact - addicted or not, he's my big brother and I love him. I think hurting him would add to his list of excuses to use anyway.

But, since he's in pretty heavy active addiction, it's unreasonable to expect him to be acting in a non-addicted fashion. But by accepting addictive behavior, I feel like I'm sort of "condoning" or enabling. Is that clear as mud? haha

Here's a specific example - we talked about him coming over around 7 p.m. It ended up being almost 1 a.m. when he arrived. He wouldn't have been bright eyed and bushy tailed at 1 a.m. without meth. So, I felt like I should say "leave and come back when you're not high." But, the truth is, "when he's not high" probably doesn't exist. So, I invited him on in and enjoyed our first conversation in months... but I couldn't escape feeling like a party to his tweaking.

Does that make any sense? Am I just way overthinking this?

I am proud of myself for not giving him any money or anything in quite some time - in fact, I think he's realized I won't. He's even quit asking.

let me ask you this......if you had invited anyone else over at 7pm, and they banged on your door at 1 in the morning instead....THEN what would you do?

we always think we have to have SPECIAL rules for addicts....and while yes we do need some specific boundaries regarding drug use, theft of property, etc, for the most part we should respond as we would if it were anyone else. no free passes for meth heads who "show up" at freaking 1 in the morning!!!!!

and yes your considered response would have been absolutely appropriate. it's your home. your boundaries.

Agree with Anvillhead, who is always a reasonable voice. Substance abusers have a way of making their unacceptable behavior seem normal. If you had confronted him about his late arrival, he prob would have said, "well, at least I made it here." Cuz in his mind he is doing the right thing, visiting his sister. Or, "I don't need this noise. I'm outta here!" But would have waited for you to tell him it was okay, he could stay. That way it's on you, not him. Addicts and alcoholics are really, really manipulative. Just sayin'. Good luck. Peace.

I am sorry he couldn't have just been on time or called, I know that awful feeling of waiting and wondering and it's not good.

You talked to him, it was a good talk, so it's done and rethinking it all is futile. Maybe just decide what you would do next time and how you could make your boundary clear to him.

I don't think this was enabling so much as just a bad decision that made you feel worse because it happened.

Hugs

Accepting that he will continue to use isn't enabling - it's your admittance that you can't control his behaviour.

However, him coming to your house at 1am? You have every right to tell him to tell him to leave.

Cut yourself some slack. Figuring out what's 'detachment' vs 'enabling' is something I'm still trying to figure out myself lol.