Jk1986

Hello everyone, as you guys probably already know the signs of a spouse getting sucked back in by her AH because she stops posting and replying on here. Well that's my current situation... I keep letting denial and my husband's words fool me into believing "it's just me" & "he's not using anymore" but his everyday actions and activities show me different. My mother knows I'm in denial and all she keeps saying is "You're too close to it, that's why u can't see it". I knw I'm a fool for doing things like letting him use my van again & he promises to come home at a certain time but he either comes really late or not at all. Even after telling me he's only gone like that bcuz he doesn't want to argue. But even when we're doing ok and I'm not nagging him or being negative he still stays gone. He takes van like its his & he really don't even want me in there with him! (In my own damn van!) it's crazy bcuz he's always in a hurry to leave home but it's like pulling teeth waiting on him to get bck. A couple of days ago I found a small ball of chore boy in a cigarette box in the van, I asked him about it and of course he says its old & he caught an attitude! But how "old" can it be?! That cigarette box wasn't in there last week. Smh Anyway, I want to knw why I'm so scared to leave him? He's no help at all to me or our 9 month old baby, and instead of facing the fact that he's an addict, I accuse him of cheating when he stays out all night instead of using. Even tho he's a crack addict and has nothing to offer I'm scared to let him go bcuz I dnt want another woman to have him . I NEED HELP!

MAYA1

Hello JK, I'm sorry for your situation. It must be hard for you especially with the baby. However, I think your mother is right, you are just too close to see and in denial. I know that ots easier said than done, but I feel like you would be much better off without him. He is no help to you, doesn't support you at all and is only using you to have a place to sleep/eat and your van available. Do you have place where you could move? Or alternatively could you get him out of your house? It might be beneficial for you and your child to go completely no contact for at least 3 months. From my experience it helped me see what really happened clearly and I realized there was no need to be afraid to be alone. I felt more alone when he was home. Take care and good luck x

Sunshine1234

I too am so sorry for everything you are going through. I have a 5 month old and a 3 year old with my STBXAH so I can relate to how hard it is... especially when kids are involved. I have to tell you though, the clarity that I received when I took myself out of our home is IMMENSE!! As Maya said, if you can get yourself out of the house and go no contact you will be able to see things MUCH more clearly. I know it's hard when kids are involved, but you can tell him to "just email you when it involves your child". Blocking my husband from my phone was one of the best things I did. He could no longer manipulate me and I could see things for what they really are. As they say on here "more will be revealed". Your mom is 100% right, you are too close to make sense of everything going on. It's so easy to loose sight of what's going on around you, especially when you are so focused on being a mom. Stay strong, you are not alone!!

AnvilheadII

Even tho he's a crack addict and has nothing to offer I'm scared to let him go bcuz I dnt want another woman to have him . I NEED HELP!

in many ways you view him as your private "stash" in just the way an addict would his dope. MINE. ain't sharing!

he is not acting like a partner, friend or father. your "home" is his crash pad, your van is his escape vehicle and right now you are still unwilling to SEE what is really going on. this bit may be harsh, but there is a decent possibility there already IS another woman, or at the very least some nefarious acts which would horrify you. it's all part of the crack game.

sevenofnine

you do need help! is he really giving it?
I also bet you would be surprised at how much easier all the regular baby and life stress us withoug all that other trouble.

i can not tell you when its time to go, but, i can tell you what it sounds like....except it sounds like you already know? For me, i had decided one last time. told him so, and he knew even the smallest, tiniest drug f* up would be the end. i couldnt let go, or stay on the merrygoround, so it seemed like the only option. when he did (inevitably?) relapse, even a tiny bit, i was then able to let go guilt free, knowing i did give it a shot, but also that i was justified in kicking him to the curb.

turns out childcare as a single parent is way less stressful than the merrygoround, once you get your rythms and routines worked out. so fwiw, in my experience, leaving wasnt at allnas bad as my fears had led me to expect.

but whatever you choose, hugs!

Ann

I am so sorry you are going through all this and hope you will find a safer and more peaceful place for your baby and yourself. Living with an active addict is like living in a war zone and your baby can't help but be affected by all that goes on.

I remember how much I wanted to hope that my son would change, that he would stop using drugs and be the kind, loving wonderful son he used to be once more. I wanted to believe each time he quit that "this time it will be different", because for some, it IS different and they find and embrace recovery. But for many, like your AH and my son, it could take years and years and make US very sick trying to get them to change.

I am glad your mother is supportive, please listen to her wise advice. Taking a giant step back will give you a better perspective and hope of happier days ahead for you and your child.

Hugs

Sunshine1234

Sevenofnine is right...it's easier to do all of the baby things when you can actually just concentrate on that and not stress about what your husband is doing every day. My head was so full of what ifs that one little task with the kids was overwhelming because my mind was so full! I'm not sure if you could consider living with your mom for a bit but maybe you could consider that to get yourself out of the environment. It really is amazing how much more you can see when you pull yourself out of the fog.

atalose

You don’t want another woman to have a using, lying, uncaring, selfish individual who leaves his wife and child alone so he can get high and whoever else he’s doing.

In what healthy universe would a woman want that????

Sweetie he’s NO PRIZE and the kind of woman who would want him is just as sick as he is and that includes you. His disease is telling him to get out of reality, get high. Your disease is telling you some fantasy life with this guy is just around the corner, and it’s NOT and never will be.

Listen to your mom!!

peacelovesober

Oh atalose you just hit the nail right on the head. We codies tend to be sicker than we ever realize. Its so easy to blame the addict and feel like if their issue would just stop it would all be better. Fact is that living in this cycle causes the entire dynamic to be off. We are living in the past and wondering if things will ever be different and they are always promising that tomorrow is the day.

My AH is constantly making me promises about how much better its about to be and how I will be amazed. And I am amazed alright. Amazed at the insanity that I allow in my heart and my home. Amazed that I believe him over and over and am let down time and time again. Amazed that we are still here and its been more years than I can even believe.

Please take care of yourself. You have a little one and you deserve a home with some peace and without someone that lies and disrespects you. Its so sad that we stay on this ride well after its fun. I wish you the best and hang in there. I do know that it can get better.

forlucyslove

I know the exact insanity that you are living and reading this post made me sad for you and for me. Deep down I know that I haven't done anything to deserve being lied too over and over and over again. The deception seems to shatter me the most. Why don't I think that life would be better without this constant merry go round? What am I scared of? Why does he get to escape when i have to be strong no matter how broken I feel? In the beginning I actually let him convince me once that a bank withdrawal receipt that was printed for a transaction at 2:00 am that I found in his vehicle was actually printed incorrectly by the ATM terminal. He got me to believe that the transaction actually happened at 9:00 am, you know a normal time of day to make a withdrawal! How many times do ATMs actually print an incorrect time??? NEVER! No I'm not a complete idiot, I just wanted to believe him more than I wanted to believe the truth. I cant tell you how many times he has looked me straight in the eye and lied. Every time that I start to trust that things are different... I get punched in the gut, and you know it never hurts less. I've tried being accepting, I've tried being strong, I've tried to show him more love when he said that's what he needed but I know that this not going to stop. I now have to decide what to do to take care of me. The few people that know about this situation have told me that I deserve better and that I should move on. I have a very shattered sense of self and I also love the man that used to be so good to me. It's denial talking to me and trying to make believe that this will ever stop short of bankruptcy, law involvement or death.

JennaRoseMadre

Ann - thank you for saying this:

wanted to believe each time he quit that "this time it will be different", because for some, it IS different and they find and embrace recovery.


I needed to read that tonight.