Missmystister

It's been a few months since my twin sister started doing meth and heroin as far as I know. I have been around so many addicts in my life, I thought I understood every aspect of it. My father passed away because he did meth for most of his adult life. Our family watched him get sicker and sicker because of the after effects of his drug abuse. I thought that was enough to keep me and my siblings in check. My sister is my other half, we talked to each other every day. Made promises that we didn't need anybody but each other. She is my world and I am her's. I used to be anyway. I haven't talked to her for about a week when she called me from jail laughing about how she had tried to give the police my name so they wouldn't see she had warrants. I know her behavior is textbook. I know that she is too consumed with drugs to realize how deeply she is affecting me.but everytime something new pops up where she hurts me, I find myself still shocked. Is there a way to ease that? I am very new to this side of things. I've never had someone this close to me be an active drug addict. I guess I'd just like to know how other people have gotten through the shock of this? I can't keep breaking down everytime something comes up with her,it's affecting my relationship and I am just depressed and exhausted all the time.

PuzzledHeart

Missmysister, I miss my sister too. She's been struggling with pot and alcohol (more the pot now, I think) since high school. We're in our forties now.

When I read what you wrote, I felt that same chill that I did when my sister said she was going to start laughing when I told her that I had to call in a psych evaluation for my mom. And that was last month.

I don't think the shock and the hurt ever goes away, at least it doesn't for me. However, I find that I rebound much more quickly than I did in time past. I found a number of true blue friends, very limited in number but very high in loyalty, to which I could vent my frustration. I also learned not to take the craziness personally (although I do have to remind myself of that constantly.) and when she turns her anger onto me, that this too will pass and she'll shift her attention to somebody else eventually.

It's easier in a way because of my time on this board - speaking for myself you start seeing the same patterns over and over again as you read story after story. And you realize, oh, she's not necessarily angry over something I DID. Maybe something tripped her off, but if it wasn't you, it would have been something else.

The hardest thing to learn, and the most liberating, is the idea that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your sister better. You can love her and you can support her efforts for recovery. You can even throw that lifeline. But SHE has to grab it. You cannot jump into the ocean yourself and grab it for her, because if she doesn't want to grab it, all she'll do is let the lifeline go as soon as you put it in her hands.

It's so hard when you remember those moments of closeness, when you were thick as thieves because it just reminds you of how much you've lost. How much SHE's lost. I find myself keeping those memories at bay because when I do remember them it hurts too much. In a way, it's easier to be angry (just check out some of my previous posts to see HOW angry I can become)... but I know I have to work towards detaching with compassion and love.

There are others way more experienced here that will give you wiser counsel. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

letitend

I am sure that being a twin is something most of us have never or will never experience. With that being said, it does seem like you have been close to drug addiction for quite a time. You state that your dad died due to meth use. There comes a point, where one must self-examine oneself to realize why we are letting people affect us the way they are.

I am guilty of being codependent. I learned this type of behavior. I am in control of myself only. I cannot change, cure or control another. I think self-realization starts there.

I do hope that you find your way thru this. The people on this forum have so many more wise words than I do at this point in my life. Please look after yourself and keep seeking support here at F&F.

PlasticInsanity

I don't have a twin, but my sister and I grew up very close on account of my dad being alcoholic and my mom being a poster child for codependency. I fell hard into addiction first, and just as I climbed out of the hole - she fell in. I was a baby in recovery, so of course my knee-jerk reaction was the "I have to save her!" approach. Overtime, I've learned to let her crash and burn. The only way an addict will change is when the pain has become too much.

I'm happy to say she's made some progress, and my parents have learned to let her crash as well. It also helps to have a support system (Nar-Anon, perhaps?).

Nata1980

Just wanted to offer support in this difficult situation - I have a twin sister and cannot imagine how painful this is for you

Try to take the best care of yourself now - Nar-anon may be of help.

Missmystister

Thank you all for replying to my post. It's very relieving to be able to talk about this without the fear of someone telling me it's not appropriate to discuss. I have been made aware that I am very much codependent with my relationship with my sister.honestly, we've gone through life feeling fiercely protective of one another. My biggest issue right now is being able to let go. I keep thinking if we just find another way to approach it, then she'd want to get help. I am already pretty controlling in my day to day life. It's hard trying to step back,even though that's the best thing I could do for myself and my sister. I am thinking about going to nar anon. But I'm kind of nervous about it. I've never done more than one on one counseling sessions. Anyway, thank you all for what you said. It's advice I really needed.

JimC60

Missmystister,

First, welcome to the forum! We're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be......

"I am thinking about going to nar anon. "

DO IT tonight or Saturday morning or both:

One Step At A Time
6612 South Cheyenne Street
Tacoma, Washington 98409
Type Nar-Anon
Location: Manitou Presbyterian Church
Day Friday
Time 6:30pm
Notes First time attendees are welcome to come 20 minutes early to learn about the program and ask questions | Please do not disturb NA meeting downstairs

Steps to Serenity
6613 1/2 South Cheyene Street
Tacoma, Washington 98405
Type Nar-Anon
Location: Manitou Presbyterian Church
Day Saturday
Time 10:45am

You will find a room full of people who truly understand your situation. Say anything you feel, they will be unshockable - they all are or have been exactly where you are now.

My favorite anecdote concerning the spirit of Nar-Anon meetings:

"I found out that my daughter was a heroin addict. I told a person at work that I had known for a long time, she told me I was a terrible person and should be ashamed of my parenting skills. I went to a Nar-Anon meeting and told a room full of total strangers that my daughter was a heroin addict - they gave me hugs and told me to keep coming back!"

Don't be afraid to cry openly at the meeting, everyone there has done so -- I'll bet you there is a box of tissues in the middle of the circle - they are not there because of allergies! Share, vent, open up and absorb the strength of the group.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Missmystister

I really wasn't sure how to even look for meetings in my area. This helps a lot. I really think being around other people who are going through this will help me cope better. I haven't been able to get a handle on it since it started. I will definatley go to one of those meetings. Thank you

JimC60

Missmystister,

Good on you! I do not think you will be disappointed. Suck up some of the strength from the group.

Newcomers are the lifeblood of any group because they remind us (the long timers) of where we were when we first started the program. - posted by a very wise person on SoberRecovery.

In the coming weeks, months or years when it comes time for you to choose a sponsor, pick someone who "has what you want". Sponsor is such a scary sounding word, more like a friend who you trust and are at ease with. Don't worry, you will know when you have found the right person - there is no need to rush into anything.

Be sure to ask for the "phone list" before the meeting starts. That way if someone shares and you really like what they said, you can identify who they are and their phone number for potential use during the week if you really need to talk to someone. Each person that shares will introduce themselves, "Hi my name is Fred, Sally, Barbara"...........and then speak.

For a bit more on the meeting structure you may see at the meeting, the thread, "Your Nar-Anon meeting's structure?" in this forum (F&F of SA).

Lastly do not let the jargon confuse or intimidate you, sponsors, qualifiers, steps, traditions, concepts, rooms,.................just relax, take what you need and leave the rest!

Keep coming back,

Jim

For other meetings in your area: search "naranon.org"; click on "find a meeting"; enter your town or zip code and a mileage limit. Entering Tacoma, Washington and a 25 mile limit produces 8 meeting listings; a 10 mile limit produces the two which I passed along.

JimC60

Missmystister,

Were you able to go to a Nar-Anon meeting? Was it helpful to you?

Keep coming back,

Jim

Done_With_It

Was just wondering how you are doing, this must be terribly hard for you. I have a cousin who I grew up with who is a mess, I can't imagine what a twin must be like. I was on meth for years so I know until you are ready to give it up, it owns you. My heart goes out to you.... I hope you have joined Naranon or found some support.

zoso77

I'm late to this thread.

No, because you should be shocked. When someone we love has chosen a self destructive path, it's always a shock. If that someone is our twin...yikes...

So the question then becomes how do we handle the shock and what do we need to do going forward so we can keep and maintain our own sanity. And there's no easy answer. It would be an understatement to call the combination of heroin a meth a sh!tstorm of epic proportions. Taken individually, each is their own kind of hell. Taken together is a sure path to an early oblivion.

And I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially after the loss of your father to addiction. But the painful reality is there's really nothing you can do for your sister. You can love her. You can pray for her and want the best for her. But her only hope resides in her making the decision to stop using, following that up with a course of treatment, and then following some sort of program and/or aftercare. I hope she chooses this path, but until she does, you have to accept she is where she is.

Do what you can to get through your days.

tomsteve

PLEASE dont make it just one meeting-make meetings a part of your recovery. and pick up any literature they have.
it will help tremendously. you will find people that relate to your story and you will relate to theirs-please dont compare.
they will have have support and and offer solutions for you.