Sadly we've reached the same page
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Sadly we've reached the same page
Well, from my previous posts, it was apparent that my spouse and I were not on the same page dealing with his meth & heroin addicted 25 year old son, (ss). I am sad to say, that I think we finally are.
This past week, ss's mom and stepdad tried to go away for 4 days. They had friends and us driving by to watch the house. ss broke in with his agf. His reasoning was he was hungry. Nevermind he had an open invitation for food at his sisters house. Mind you, they locked the place up like fort knox. I wasn't really surprised he found his way in, he lived there as a teen and I am sure snuck in and out multiple times, multiple ways. Aside from being hungry and helping themselves, they also stole cash that his mom had hidden away. Wasn't a huge amount, but had taken her a while to save it. They were caught in the house, so couldn't deny it, but deny taking the money.
The very next day, he lied/stole/manipulated a tv from his sister.
So, it appears the lying, stealing and breaking family homes and manipulation is ramping up.
The sister has said no more, and has told him she is done. And from what spouse says, he is too.
I think it's sad that I have watched this thing unfold in what seems like slow motion , but they still feel blindsided. It's been a textbook, heartbreaking progression.
If he ever decides he wants to kick it, I still will do whatever I can to help him get into treatment. But, I think that's about it. All I am willing and capable of doing. And man, he is no where NEAR wanting to stop.
I thought I would feel better about us reaching the same page. Logically I should. Ah, I don't. All of it just sucks. Really.
This past week, ss's mom and stepdad tried to go away for 4 days. They had friends and us driving by to watch the house. ss broke in with his agf. His reasoning was he was hungry. Nevermind he had an open invitation for food at his sisters house. Mind you, they locked the place up like fort knox. I wasn't really surprised he found his way in, he lived there as a teen and I am sure snuck in and out multiple times, multiple ways. Aside from being hungry and helping themselves, they also stole cash that his mom had hidden away. Wasn't a huge amount, but had taken her a while to save it. They were caught in the house, so couldn't deny it, but deny taking the money.
The very next day, he lied/stole/manipulated a tv from his sister.
So, it appears the lying, stealing and breaking family homes and manipulation is ramping up.
The sister has said no more, and has told him she is done. And from what spouse says, he is too.
I think it's sad that I have watched this thing unfold in what seems like slow motion , but they still feel blindsided. It's been a textbook, heartbreaking progression.
If he ever decides he wants to kick it, I still will do whatever I can to help him get into treatment. But, I think that's about it. All I am willing and capable of doing. And man, he is no where NEAR wanting to stop.
I thought I would feel better about us reaching the same page. Logically I should. Ah, I don't. All of it just sucks. Really.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Textbook, indeed, Sephra, I'm sorry it came to this but like you, I would have seen it coming. I could no longer allow my son in my home even when I was there, he would manage to steal from right under my nose.
The postive side, if there is one, is that hopefully everyone has reached their "enough" point and will no longer contribute to making his life easier because that requires making their own lives hell.
I will keep you all in my prayers, it's sad to finally accept that nothing you do or don't do can stop the oncoming train of addiction.
Hugs
The postive side, if there is one, is that hopefully everyone has reached their "enough" point and will no longer contribute to making his life easier because that requires making their own lives hell.
I will keep you all in my prayers, it's sad to finally accept that nothing you do or don't do can stop the oncoming train of addiction.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Sephra, it is actually harder to finally face reality. The real ugly truth is what we all finally look at. THEN the acceptance of being powerless and the need to find that emotional release and healing can begin. I have lived through a codependent hell that even today I am struggling (though my son is actually 8+ months sober as of today!). It is a life long disease (codependency) that all involved must stay resolute in keeping our boundaries, watching ACTIONS not words, and knowing we cannot love our addicts to health. Keep your peace and stay strong for your hubby and other family members while they come to grips with the reality of having an addict in the family.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sephra....if your husband and you are on the same page....I think that you would benefit from getting some support for yourselves, at this time.....
I have long said that the parents need as much help as the addict..(I have been this route, myself).
This is a hard, hard, hard journey for any parent....and, just because it becomes necessary to put strong boundaries and love from a distance...doesn't necessarily heal the hole in the heart and the myriad of feelings that the parent is stuck with....like guilt feelings, grieving, regrets, etc......
This can also bleed over into the relationships of the parent.....
You all might consider Celebrate Recovery, Alanon or Naranon.....or, private counseling with an addictions counselor for the both of you...or individual therapy for your husband...or a support group of other parents who have suffered the same thing with an adult child.....
I know, well, the tendency to want to put the head in the sand and try to "forget" the whole thing.....but, sadly, the emotions don't work that way....
And, I know that many people detest the idea of help of any kind...lol.....
But, if this family issue is faced together, it can spell the difference between a chronic marriage stressor and something that can actually make the marriage stronger, over all.....
dandylion
I have long said that the parents need as much help as the addict..(I have been this route, myself).
This is a hard, hard, hard journey for any parent....and, just because it becomes necessary to put strong boundaries and love from a distance...doesn't necessarily heal the hole in the heart and the myriad of feelings that the parent is stuck with....like guilt feelings, grieving, regrets, etc......
This can also bleed over into the relationships of the parent.....
You all might consider Celebrate Recovery, Alanon or Naranon.....or, private counseling with an addictions counselor for the both of you...or individual therapy for your husband...or a support group of other parents who have suffered the same thing with an adult child.....
I know, well, the tendency to want to put the head in the sand and try to "forget" the whole thing.....but, sadly, the emotions don't work that way....
And, I know that many people detest the idea of help of any kind...lol.....
But, if this family issue is faced together, it can spell the difference between a chronic marriage stressor and something that can actually make the marriage stronger, over all.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The sister has said no more, and has told him she is done. And from what spouse says, he is too.
I also suggest you and your husband and the sister seek some help so that the words can be backed up by actions.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
So so sorry Sephra.
When, addicts finally hit rock bottom it is almost a happy thing. When enablers hit rock bottom it is so excruciatingly sad. I hope your family can pull together inspite of all the grief and pain.
When, addicts finally hit rock bottom it is almost a happy thing. When enablers hit rock bottom it is so excruciatingly sad. I hope your family can pull together inspite of all the grief and pain.
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