MAYA1

After being no contact with my XAB for 3 months, we started to talk again (this was in May). He has had a new good job and was sending me emails where he expressed his love for me and desire to see me. I wont lie, all our interactions made me happy. He was sober, working on his recovery and I was already balanced and working on my own recovery and plans for the future.

To keep you in the picture, before we broke up, he had nearly a year long episode of financial issues, drug, pill and alcohol abuse. I knew him for a year and a half (where he was "normal" - I didnt know he had issue) before all of this spiralled downwards.

This time when we talked he was realistic, he said he needs year or perhaps two to be sober before we move in together again. It worked well for me as I have been planning to change job and I didnt want to move in with him yet either. I thought we both can be in touch for a year - see how it goes and if we "fit" into each other's live in a year, we can plan future together again.

However, 3 weeks ago, my XAB saw his 7 year old son in nearly 2 years. He hasnt seen for nearly 2 years due to an issues with the mother of the child. Whet I met my ex (Januarly 14), they were in touch on regular basis and when the contact stopped, I was fully supporting him to fix the issue and be in touch with his son (not sure why he didnt act at all). In my opinion, not being in touch with his son is the reason that led him to massive anxiety issues and all the drug abuse. It made me feel like I was just waiting around until he fix the issue, stop using drugs and gets in touch with his little son again.

So now he saw his son. He was very happy and it was very emotional for both of them. Anyway, ever since he saw his boy, he stopped caring about me. I know what you will say - he just used me. I cant believe it as I never thought this of him. I felt he doesnt care so I asked him does he ever miss me. He literally responded "I think of you sometimes, but it would be dishonest to say that I miss you and our relationship".

I feel like I needed this. Now I see how unstable and selfish he is even when sober. He is using people around him and I was no exception. I dont even feel pain or anger anymore - it woudl be just a waste of my energy. I actually feel relieved that I dont have to worry that if I give him chance, sometimes in the future he will relapse again and make my life hell.

Thank you for letting me share this - any opinion welcomed. I will now keep concentrating on my recovery and my life.

Thank you

dandylion

MAYA....yep, I agree that it is a blessing that you will not have the burden of wondering if/when the other shoe might drop again!!
sweet freedom!

dandylion

MAYA1

Dandylion, thank you.

I see my ex as very emotionally underdeveloped, unstable person and althought he hasnt been (or seem) like it when I met him I have noticed financial irresponsibility from the beginning. It was something that I didnt like, yet I didnt leave him and excuse this flaw in my mind. Although financiall stability is very important for me.

I have been trying to concentrate on myself - WHY I stuck by him for so long / why did I try to help him for a year / why I put my life on hold? There must be something deeper inside of me - from my past that made me stay.

It really helped me to listen to the podcast of STEFAN MOLYNEUX - do you guys know him? He is looking in to the root of the issue - if you are interested, here are 3 links to his talks:

- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi3QwACzeS4
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jBEp3WGmcE
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFyNFknDvLQ

If any of you have similar talks, I would very much appreciate tips as I find this form of acceptance who I am the best. Thank you.

Perhpas when I fully accept why I am and my childhood I will attract healthier individuals in the future.

thank you for listening. x

Ann

Maya, after all the struggling, after all the pain, after all the wavering emotions and experiences...there comes a time when we just say "enough" and know in our hearts that it is truly over.

I am glad you found your enough point, it's the turning point when we get to reclaim our lives and begin living it well.

Hugs

Sunshine1234

I married my STBXH knowing there was financial irresponsibility, two previous children that he had no contact with (blamed it on the mom), and a "previous" history of addiction. I can't figure out WHY I believed him that things were all going to get straightened out. We have two beautiful children together and I thank God for them! I need to figure out though why I chose someone like him when I was raised with such loving parents who always taught me to be honest about everything. Count your blessings that you got out now.

MAYA1

Thank you Ann, I have been reading SR a lot and you are so kind to all members here. I really appreciate it.

I feel like I am done and it is great to be so free. I even had a dream tonight about him. I literally ran away from him-like sprinting. Maybe my unconscious is still processing it.

What worries me is my recovery. I dont want to get to the same situation again. How do you know you are recovered?

Hechosedrugs

Same here! I married my STBX knowing he was addicted to painkillers and planned to never work, instead milking the government for benefits he wasn't really entitled to.

Like every other man I've been with, he treated me like dirt and walked all over me.

I've made up my mind things will be different now- they have to be, because my kids deserve better.

There's a man I've had my eye on in church- I always thought, "Now, there's a nice, stable man." He approached me recently and asked me out. I told him I wasn't ready, but was so thrilled! I went home and googled him and found he lied about his age! Already lying, and things haven't even started yet. And I'm finding a part of me is trying to justify this behavior, even though I know better.

Old habits!

MAYA1

Thank you Sunshine! They can be really charming and persistent when they want to get you. I felt so loved and special when I met him. So did the history repeat with you like with his previous marriage?

I always thought that I was from a loving family, but meeting him make me think why I attracted this person? Why did I overlooked some of the signs at the beginning? Why did I support him for entire year while he was running aruond the city (on and off) on drugs? I have been listening this Stefan Molineux podcast and I realized some of the issues he points out could be applicable to me and my family.. I will try to address those and hopefully next time we can do better :_

thank you x

AdelineRose

I am sorry you that you had to deal with that kind of treatment, but so happy to see how your recovery is shining through and how you took the situation for what it truly is..HIM not being stable, being a jerk, being selfish etc - instead of thinking it was something to do with YOU. You should be so proud of yourself, this is proof that working on yourself and your own recovery is so so SOOO worth it.

Continue the great work, happy you feel free. You can end that chapter of your life for GOOD now without any "What Ifs" or "could have beens". You now see him for who he truly is and you know that you deserve better and that is what matters.

HUGS . Thank you for sharing- this post gives so much hope and is a HUGE example of how working on ourselves is SO important and that our work on ourselves does pay off.

MAYA1

Thans Adeline it does feel good to make conscious decision for myself. Few months ago, I would have been able to excuse him that sort of behaviour, because I was afraid to loose him (not sure why as he has not done anything for our relationship in a long time, except of quacking).

I have never been on such an emotional rolecoster in my life so when I was to make decision, everything got so blury. I remember one specific week (in November 15) he was smoking heroin or crack (not sure) and running around the city in completely torn jeans. It was sad to see him so unkept, dirty, mentally ill. This image will chase me forever. Yet I still had to kick him out of our place. I guess I felt guilty and when he got "better" I forgave him way too much.

I have been following your story and it means so much to receive your opinion. Thank you and keep doing such a great job for yourself. You are great inspiration! HUGS. I.

Sunshine1234

He was never married previously and I'm not sure I will ever know the whole story as he always told me that everything was his exes fault (just like everything else in his life...always someone else's fault). I feel so naive for always believing what he told me. It sounds like you are handling things very well though and saving yourself SO much pain and hurt down the road. Sending lots of hugs your way!

Ann

It is a good thing that you are concerned, that means that you are aware that you may need help to find your balance and have more clarity in future relationships.

I found my balance and strength in the 12 step program of recovery, for me CoDA was my home group, Al-anon and Nar-anon also have wonderful support and help. I went to meetings, found a sponsor who was someone I saw there that had something I wanted, a calm, peaceful, happy disposition in spite of the hell that had been her life. It's called serenity and I wanted it badly...and found it there.

Maybe find some meetings in your area and try several, keep going back for 6 or 7 times until you find one that fits and you feel comfortable with. I promise you will not regret it.

The past is gone, you cannot change one day of it, but you can learn from it and take the lessons forward into wonderful new beginnings.

Hugs