Hechosedrugs

I'm so upset. I just can't take my mom telling me this every chance she gets. It seems that she delights in saying it. She always liked to remind me how she and my dad struggled so to make ends meet. I don't think she feels we deserved this home. It really is so nice- if we'd chosen to live in the Bay Area we could have never afforded it. But we didn't. We live in a rural HOA. My mortgage is only $600 a month. AX says I can keep it. I'll likely be declaring bankruptcy because of all his identity theft, but I've been told I can keep the house. I've told her this before, but she always finds a way to work it into conversations.

Today my car started acting up. Going into reverse when it was in drive. Some good samaritans pushed me to safety. This was on my way home from the hospital- one of my sons has hives, probably an allergic reaction.

I just needed someone to talk to. I didn't want to hear about everything else that could be going wrong soon.

Bekindalways

Argh Hechose! It sounds like you have had a day and then some.

Parents can get so under your skin. As you know each other so well, a simple sentence or word can be loaded with all sorts of accusation/guilt/fillinsomeyuckemotion!!!

After days like this, I like to think that in the natural course of ups and downs there should be an up on its way. (this may not be true but it helps to think like this).

Big hug to you and I hope some big sloppy, fuzzy happy event is headed straight your way!!

hopeful4

I am sorry friend!

You can absolutely declare and still keep your house. She is not some expert, she is just talking to talk. So....just hear quack, quack, quack. Take it a moment at a time friend.

Hugs to you!

Sephra

Some good advice someone gave me during my divorce was,
don't image how great it is over there, imagine how bad the reality probably is.
The same goes the other way, instead of losing the house you may end up in a much better place than you ever knew you could. (It happened to me, AFTER I lost my house... I managed to keep it for over a year after, but getting the heck out of that house was the best thing for me)

zoso77

Where does it say you're obligated to speak with your mother?

Hechosedrugs

The relationship between my mother and I is very tricky. It's almost like she has multiple personalities. Sometimes she's incredibly supportive and loving, other times she's downright mean and seems to wish the worst for me. I never know who I'm going to get when I call. But the nice her is so darn nice I keep coming back.

Thanks for the support and advice everyone.

CodeJob

What would happen if next time you calmly point out that it sounds terribly unkind to wish the worst on her own daughter?

Hechosedrugs

She would huff and puff, stop talking to me for a few weeks, and gossip to family about how I'm "so sensitive" and how she tries so hard.

Times like this I actually do miss my STBX. He saw right through her and called her out on her behavior several times. He really had my back. Funny how he could see when she was treating me badly, and she could see when he was treating me badly, but neither thought they, themselves, ever did anything wrong,.

PuzzledHeart

I love my mom very much, but she came out with some real winners back in the day. I learned the art of "in one ear, out the other". I also recognized the fact that she needed to say some of her unfounded fears out loud not because she questioned my ability to get through my latest pickle, but because she just needed to get rid of the anxiety building inside her any which way she can.

Fortunately for both us, she does realize eventually what she's doing and she'll apologize. It may take a couple years for that to happen so I don't exactly hold my breath.

It also does help that one time she got pretty obsessed with giving me a nose job when I was seventeen. All her sisters were doing it/asking her about it and I think she wanted to just march along. I ended up pitching a fit at the plastic surgeon's office and he very kindly and gently told her that he wouldn't do anything without my consent. She ended up being pretty sheepish about the whole matter, so whenever she gets particularly ornery I just say "Remember the nose job" and that shuts that conversation right down. And she still apologizes about that, completely unprompted.

More importantly, I think it was the first time that she saw me as an equal, and just because I was her daughter, I didn't have to be subservient to her.

Just think about it, the house could be your "nose job" if you decide to keep it.

CodeJob

Not surprising reaction that you report.

Read up on Karpman Drama Triangles. reading up on them helped me see when I was playing a role and perhaps not being honest to myself.

Ariesagain

I'm sorry...my father is the same way and they have an absolute genius for hitting us where it hurts the most. Youcan always try, "What part of that sentence do you think is helpful?" but if she's like my father, she'll just double down. My father hasn't said he's sorry about anything in the 58 years I've known him.

You can always just end the call..."gotta go, talk to you later."

Mountainmanbob

You are in a very fortunate position. I have kind of been there 25 years ago and got to buy the ex out of her portion of our home. I was willing to fight with all of my strength to keep the house and the original down payment was all my money. I'm still living in the same house today.

Most all that I have known that let their homes slip through their hands in these situations kick themselves in the rear end later. Do not be that person. Even if you have to pick up a roommate (not always fun) do whatever you need to do so as to keep your house.

Make sure that all transfers of title etc are done correctly.
Because if not, one can suffer much pain down the road.
What we are looking for in sobriety is pain free -- making good decisions helps.

Enjoy your home.
Note -- you have a nice low monthly payment -- many, many don't.
Consider yourself blessed -- grateful.

M-Bob

Hechosedrugs

PuzzledHeart, this is just terrible! I can't imagine a mother trying to force plastic surgery on her child. I'm glad she finally sees she was wrong about that.

Mountainmanbob

A noteized Quit Claim deed deleting one party from the home ownership reorded with the County Recorders Office is the legal way to go. Usually sooner works better than later.

MM

PuzzledHeart

Full confession: The dawning realization on her face as I pitched my fit in the waiting room was worth it. But I'm afraid I stretched it out a little longer than necessary, because she started saying, "Ok, let's go home."

And I responded, "Oh no, we're already here. We might as well see the doctor!"

Make a long story short, we go into the office. The doctor asks me what's wrong with my nose. I repeat verbatim what my mom told me. Then he asked me, "Who wants this nose job?" (I think the staff must have clued him in or perhaps he had encountered this sort of situation before.)

I replied, "My mom and dad do!"

And that was the end of that. Fast forward to today, and my mom still apologizes for what she did.

I must repeat again that my mom is a very good, generous person who was most likely misguided by one of her sisters, who I would nominate for "Most Likely to Have Been a Mean Girl" if I had the opportunity. This woman suggested that I wear Spanx literally a minute after we had just spoken to hospice about my mom. I'm glad my mother is out of her influence now.