Someone with Addicted Spouse PLEASE HELP

Old 07-31-2016, 07:10 AM
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Someone with Addicted Spouse PLEASE HELP

Hello it's been a few since I've posted. A lot of the time I don't have the mental energy to discuss or deal with the addict husband anymore. But last night came to a blow, and he left. Before he left he said manipulating things, bc I'm so angry with him I just don't even want to talk to him. So he asked rhetorical questions about how I'll feel and regret MY behavior if he was in a car wreck and died, or maybe he'll just go kill himself. That hurt the most bc my sister killed herself and he knows damn well how much statements like that will hurt me. Then he leaves. But he has supposedly been clean a month, which I do believe, but I haven't been supporting or encouraging bc I'm so mad at the past lies and hurt. His uncaring and indifferent behavior to me. So now he's clean a month and he says he thinks we're past that??? He's never apologized or sincerely been remorseful for his behavior. A month out he probably can't be yet if he ever is. But I'm so resentful and hurt and angry that I can't be his 'rock' or be sympathetic to HIS needs when he has ignored and been so oblivious to mine for soo long. Someone else with a spouse, please help. I do see where I'm being selfish but it's hard to just put these feelings aside.
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:09 AM
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it's all manipulation, and from my experience - that's usually a symptom of active addiction. And when someone threatens to kill themselves, call the police. They will never threaten it again.

First of all - you are NOT responsible for taking care of a grown man.
We take care of our children.
We take care of our aging parents.
We take care of ourselves.

There is a great book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Another book about abusive men (includes others too) called: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
You can check on meetings in your area: CoDA, Naranon, Alanon
Read all that you can here about addictions and relationships, etc. Expecially the stickies at the top of this forum.

We are here whenever you wish to share, vent, learn and need help.
Hugs to you during this time,
Joie
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:47 AM
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Addiction destroys everyone and everything in its path- doesn't discriminate between anyone no matter how hard the person tries to help the other. or whether the person doesn't support the person at all.

Do not feel bad about not "supporting" him enough. You are not selfish, HE is the selfish one. The book mentioned above really helped me and I also read "Codependency for Dummies" actually really opened my eyes through the examples it provided.

I also agree that if someone threatens to hurt themselves or others it is best to call the police. You cannot control what someone says or does, but you can take actions to protect yourself. Also once you call the police then it is easier to see that it is not your fault, you can't control it, and you can't cure him. I am a HUGE advocate of counseling, I truly feel that it gave me healthy tools for dealing with anything has come into my live. I treasure that time I have with my therapist, I actually look forward to my appointments. Meetings will also provide you with support from those that know what you are going through, and sometimes it helps to have people face to face to talk to. Can you lean on family a little bit too? Family has been a big part of becoming healthy for me.

Be kind to yourself, you aren't able to change him, but you CAN take care of yourself.

HUGS
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Old 07-31-2016, 08:54 AM
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Thanks for your reply. I've been reading through this site and forums all morning. He didn't threaten suicide, just saying that to make me feel bad, so that I'll have regrets for not having sex with him and for being mad at him. It is manipulation and the worst bc he knows the struggles I have from my sister dying from suicide.
What has made the most sense from what I read is detachment. He's lied and hurt me so much I'm just detached. He hasn't even noticed until last night. Then when he realized how I'm not going to engage and enable like I used to, he gets mad and tries to blame me and bring up things I've done so he's not the bad person. He turns it around so I'm the bad person and he's a victim. And I'm not reacting like I used to bc I'm not doing that anymore. So he just wigs out bc he doesn't know how to react to this bc it's not the same pattern he's used to. So he leaves in his company truck and I haven't heard from him since. Before he left he had to say a bunch of mean things and act really immature, slamming things and the door, then revving his truck and turning up music as loud as possible. So immature and I'm sure the neighbors loved that. But I didn't fight back, say anything, nothing. So I'm figuring he doesn't know how to react to this. And I don't know what to do either after this. If he and when he comes back.
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Old 08-01-2016, 06:38 PM
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I am currently (despite everything I know and have experienced) living with my AH. I allowed him to come back "home" after his rehab in December and have regretted the decision for the last 8 months. I too understand the concern about loving and helping and what happens if I am not there.

But this I know for sure.....He was fine for the 39 years that he lived on Earth without me and he will be fine still. Now his definition of fine is different than most. But he always manages to get smokes and a beer and wrangle up whatever it is that he needs. He always manages to get into some catastrophe and wiggle out of it, so why do we think that anything we do or don't do is really going to change it.

This I also know........the "helping" that I have been doing has been doing more harm than good. He is not capable of being in charge of money, or groceries, or cleaning, or basically anything more than maybe a 5 year old could handle so the episodes we have show how sick we really are.

I am sick, from codependency and I fall for his lies more than I stand up for myself. So take this away. If he is manipulating and talking about suicide to get to you then he is really showing you his true feelings. Loving someone is forgiving them for hurting you and being loved back is seeing them be actually sorrowful. Enabling is forgiving them over and over and allowing the same bad behaviors with no change and no consequence.

I hope that you become your own rock and lean on the people here at SR. You cant pour from an empty cup (those are wise words that I got from someone else but cant recall who) but they are so true. Take care of yourself and belive that recovery looks like recovery so you will know what is true sobriety and what is not. Even though we may lie to ourselves we don't usually believe them.
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Old 08-01-2016, 07:38 PM
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You think he's been clean a month, whats helping him remain clean? What kind of a program is he working? What kind of outside help has he sought?
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Old 08-05-2016, 01:32 AM
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There's a lot more to recovery than simply abstaining from drugs/alcohol. It requires a whole new mindset and way of thinking. It also means trying to make amends for all the pain and hurt that was caused by addiction.

The people that I know that are truly working on their recovery are aware of what they did during their addiction and take the time to reconnect with loved ones. It's a slow process because it takes time to rebuild the trust that was lost. Those that are working their recovery know that their actions speak louder than words and they also know that rebuilding that trust will not happen overnight.

It doesn't sound like your spouse is working a recovery program. How about you? Are you attending any meetings or therapy? Loving and living with an addict can feel like we've been fighting a war and we have the wounds to prove it. We have our own recovery to work on too so I hope you are taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of hugs.
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Old 09-10-2016, 10:28 AM
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It's been a few weeks since I posted. I seriously just read MY post and it didn't even dawn on me it was my words until halfway through! How crazy am I. This addiction really makes me question my own sanity. All the lies, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the turning everything back around in me. I came back here bc things were good for a bit but now he's been lying about where he's been. Maybe he was innocently stopping by a friends house but when we are supposed to be building trust he needs to be honest about every single thing. I read through the forum and many things sound so familiar. I'm sitting here crying and he walks by and asks what I want for lunch. Doesn't acknowledge me crying or ask what's wrong. Nothing.
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Old 09-10-2016, 10:33 AM
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As far as what he's doing for recovery, well he went to two meetings as required by work and once after that. I searched his history on his phone and he had googled something about what happens at meetings and similar searches so now I don't even believe he went, just says whatever I want to hear...however he did have to have papers filled out for work to prove he went so he had to go at least once. But otherwise, he hasn't done anything. He just thinks he can do this himself. That apparently he's strong enough. And I have not done anything for myself either. It's very difficult for me to get away to attend meetings. This I turn to this forum when I'm at breaking points.
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