Am I nuts to back down and let AS stay here while I'm away?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Am I nuts to back down and let AS stay here while I'm away?
AS has been staying with me for last month since he got kicked out of his apt. Hoped his new place would be ready sooner, but it will take longer.
I leave for Vietnam tomorrow night. I told him he has to stay elsewhere while I'm gone. Last week or 2 he's been better since starting methadone again, but not sure he's completely serious about stopping H. he hasn't had any money since he spent it all.
Bottom line. I'm concerned about the possibility of drama or problems with my manager if he knows my AS is staying here while I'm gone. Also concerned for younger son, who just accomplished some really great things with his career lately.
Younger son didn't want to be burdened initially, but felt it might be ok since AS has been cooler and calmer lately.
Feel in my gut like AS doing better because he knows I'm serious about him staying elsewhere for now and is keeping it together. Also hasn't been doing dope so hes more stable last cpl of weeks.
he started at clinic right up street from my place. Seems hes doing things to have to stay here.
Tomorrow he has to go to apply for emergency housing with social services. They may get him a hotel room for 2 weeks to 1 month, for only $5 a day. I told him I would give him the difference of what they take out so he'd have money. He'd still be able to come by here periodically when he comes this way to get his dose. I feel like his having a place to stay other than here will help prevent problems with my manager or younger son.
Tonight he said he could stay at girlfriend's most of time. However, that can be unstable situation too. he gets easily upset by her and winds up using and taking pills, getting completely out of control.
He swears that won't happen this time.
Hotel option is only a once in a lifetime or once a year possibility. They usually send you to less than desireable hotel ridden with bed bugs and roaches, prostitutes and drugs. last time he did this he was so terrified and anxious he wound up freaking out and using the whole time.
I know hotel experience is not greatest and he's have to travel an hour or so on bus to get methadone, versus 10 minutes walk away from here.
But....I have to think of me here. There have been incidents while he's stayed here, including a call from a concerned neighbor when she heard him crying in house. He threw some soda at me one morning when I tried to get him out of bathroom since I had to go to work. He was dope sick at the time and desperate, but it still happened.
Went to detox, which he was lucky to get in to, but since he didnt' want to detox with cloinidine and didn't qualify for suboxone since he had benzos in his system, got upset. They were rude and abrupt, but he blew it by getting angry when he found out they wouldn't take him then. He did have option of coming back in a couple weeks, but he was so mad, he stormed out and slammed door and kicked window. Now he's banned from ever going back there or to their sister detox, and they're 2 of the 3 free/low income detox facilities in all of this county!!!
He's depressed and anxious. Says he wants to stop, but not doing a lot about it. I was so mad when he got banned from detox. told him hs needs to get his temper in check and act like an adult and stop mesisng up situations with his behavior.
Lately has been better partially cuz of methadone and also since he's out of money. I've given him cigs and a few bucks occasionally, but not enough to buy anything
So....my support group, FA, feels I should let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he wants to stay/get sober he can take the bus to the methadone clinic. He can go to meetings. He can go to a sober living. He can go to mental health for counseling. He can do something other than complain that no one can help him.
I am concerned he will deteriorate and mess up his chance of keeping it together to get into the better housing situation I'm helping with. But I'm also concerned that if he acts up and if manager sees he's here , if he hasn't already, it could cause problems for me.
I've been evicted before because of his actions.
So...am I crazy to rethink letting him stay here? Yes hotel not great. but that's what happens when you do stupid stuff where you live and lose your place, regardless of how much you hate it there.
He's upset with me, but I feel he has to pursue the emergency housing and take certain steps to solve the situation he put himself in by himself.
Or....I could not insist on hotel and if he thinks he could stay at girlfriends than that would be his choice, the entire time I'm gone.
I worry that if he gets really messed up or angry, when I'm not here to check his behavior, he and younger son will fight and there will be problems like in the past.
It will only be for a couple of weeks or so, while I'm out of country. Idon't want to go overseas having to worry abou tsituation at home.
I could go on...but you get the gist. Help please!!
I leave for Vietnam tomorrow night. I told him he has to stay elsewhere while I'm gone. Last week or 2 he's been better since starting methadone again, but not sure he's completely serious about stopping H. he hasn't had any money since he spent it all.
Bottom line. I'm concerned about the possibility of drama or problems with my manager if he knows my AS is staying here while I'm gone. Also concerned for younger son, who just accomplished some really great things with his career lately.
Younger son didn't want to be burdened initially, but felt it might be ok since AS has been cooler and calmer lately.
Feel in my gut like AS doing better because he knows I'm serious about him staying elsewhere for now and is keeping it together. Also hasn't been doing dope so hes more stable last cpl of weeks.
he started at clinic right up street from my place. Seems hes doing things to have to stay here.
Tomorrow he has to go to apply for emergency housing with social services. They may get him a hotel room for 2 weeks to 1 month, for only $5 a day. I told him I would give him the difference of what they take out so he'd have money. He'd still be able to come by here periodically when he comes this way to get his dose. I feel like his having a place to stay other than here will help prevent problems with my manager or younger son.
Tonight he said he could stay at girlfriend's most of time. However, that can be unstable situation too. he gets easily upset by her and winds up using and taking pills, getting completely out of control.
He swears that won't happen this time.
Hotel option is only a once in a lifetime or once a year possibility. They usually send you to less than desireable hotel ridden with bed bugs and roaches, prostitutes and drugs. last time he did this he was so terrified and anxious he wound up freaking out and using the whole time.
I know hotel experience is not greatest and he's have to travel an hour or so on bus to get methadone, versus 10 minutes walk away from here.
But....I have to think of me here. There have been incidents while he's stayed here, including a call from a concerned neighbor when she heard him crying in house. He threw some soda at me one morning when I tried to get him out of bathroom since I had to go to work. He was dope sick at the time and desperate, but it still happened.
Went to detox, which he was lucky to get in to, but since he didnt' want to detox with cloinidine and didn't qualify for suboxone since he had benzos in his system, got upset. They were rude and abrupt, but he blew it by getting angry when he found out they wouldn't take him then. He did have option of coming back in a couple weeks, but he was so mad, he stormed out and slammed door and kicked window. Now he's banned from ever going back there or to their sister detox, and they're 2 of the 3 free/low income detox facilities in all of this county!!!
He's depressed and anxious. Says he wants to stop, but not doing a lot about it. I was so mad when he got banned from detox. told him hs needs to get his temper in check and act like an adult and stop mesisng up situations with his behavior.
Lately has been better partially cuz of methadone and also since he's out of money. I've given him cigs and a few bucks occasionally, but not enough to buy anything
So....my support group, FA, feels I should let him suffer the consequences of his actions. If he wants to stay/get sober he can take the bus to the methadone clinic. He can go to meetings. He can go to a sober living. He can go to mental health for counseling. He can do something other than complain that no one can help him.
I am concerned he will deteriorate and mess up his chance of keeping it together to get into the better housing situation I'm helping with. But I'm also concerned that if he acts up and if manager sees he's here , if he hasn't already, it could cause problems for me.
I've been evicted before because of his actions.
So...am I crazy to rethink letting him stay here? Yes hotel not great. but that's what happens when you do stupid stuff where you live and lose your place, regardless of how much you hate it there.
He's upset with me, but I feel he has to pursue the emergency housing and take certain steps to solve the situation he put himself in by himself.
Or....I could not insist on hotel and if he thinks he could stay at girlfriends than that would be his choice, the entire time I'm gone.
I worry that if he gets really messed up or angry, when I'm not here to check his behavior, he and younger son will fight and there will be problems like in the past.
It will only be for a couple of weeks or so, while I'm out of country. Idon't want to go overseas having to worry abou tsituation at home.
I could go on...but you get the gist. Help please!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Tonight he said he could stay at girlfriend's most of time. However, that can be unstable situation too. he gets easily upset by her and winds up using and taking pills, getting completely out of control.
Personally, I would never let an active or recently recovering addict stay in my home when I was not there.
My suggestion would be that he stays someplace else. Your other son deserves a peaceful, stress free home and your recovering son will stay clean or not, regardless of where he stays or what you choose.
Enjoy your trip.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Vaya....I think that it is a formula for disaster for you to let him stay in your house without you there....and, it won't be good for your younger son, either.....
I agree with Ann...he can get messed up anywhere...but, in your home,,,,you and your younger will pay the p rice. also......
It is so hard to try to "shadow" another adult. in order to protect them from themselves....in fact, I would say that it is impossible......
I know how difficult this is for you......
dandylion
I agree with Ann...he can get messed up anywhere...but, in your home,,,,you and your younger will pay the p rice. also......
It is so hard to try to "shadow" another adult. in order to protect them from themselves....in fact, I would say that it is impossible......
I know how difficult this is for you......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vaya, I would not let him in your house at all while you are gone. He is not showing he will do whatever he needs to do to be well. He has a serious anger problem, addiction, and I just think that is a recipe for disaster. I would encourage him to do the hotel, and just like he planned to stay with his girlfriend most of the time, he can still do that. He really needs to figure this out.
I think he purposely messes up all chances he has on purpose because he is banking on that you won't put him out on the street. He needs to grow up a bit and do some things for himself.
Tight hugs. I hope you have a safe and happy trip!
I think he purposely messes up all chances he has on purpose because he is banking on that you won't put him out on the street. He needs to grow up a bit and do some things for himself.
Tight hugs. I hope you have a safe and happy trip!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Vaya, Hopeful hit the nail on the head. He is expecting you to take care of it (like you always have before) and he still hasn't chosen to become sober for himself. I know that for ME I cannot ever have JJ live at home again. It was too hard on everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Only he can get his life on track.
Only you can maintain and manage your life.
And honestly, it seems a situation where you can only protect one son at the moment.
That was a realization I had to come to with my addicted brother. The longer I let him stay in my home, the longer I put my husband and my furbabies in danger of reaping the consequences of HIS actions. Not fair.
Only you can maintain and manage your life.
And honestly, it seems a situation where you can only protect one son at the moment.
That was a realization I had to come to with my addicted brother. The longer I let him stay in my home, the longer I put my husband and my furbabies in danger of reaping the consequences of HIS actions. Not fair.
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