Cold feet
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Cold feet
As the title of my thread reads...I'm getting cold feet about leaving.
Some of you know a person called DCF on my RAH 2 months ago because he has left my boys age 7 and 5 in his vehicle while he ran into the Kava bar for his Kava drink. DCF came back to our home last Sunday to see the kids and close the case. He still did not admit to the case worker his wrong doing. As a matter of fact he says he did nothing wrong. Since the case worker paid her visit my RAH has been extra cold, rude, distant etc. He said he has issues with me. In a nut shell he feels I reported him to DCF that's why he's been mean towards me. He then tells me he has discovered in therapy the reason why he feels so alone and stuck in his life....he said I never showed him love, affection, intimacy in our marriage and he feels since I "got what I wanted" meaning our beautiful baby boys I didn't want anything to do with him. This made me feel awful...I cried for an hour. I felt responsible but there is that sinking feeling he is using this as an excuse to place blame on his actions.
I've never been a very sexual person as I can go without. When the boys were born life was hectic...intimacy was the last thing on my mind but we always fought over the subject. I felt pressured to be intimate with him. He would say he can't be in a sexless marriage and he feels disconnected and he doesn't want to get to the point where he loses feelings for me. He called it "the point of no return". I believed him and for years felt there was something wrong with me so I forced myself to be intimate with him. Do I have intimacy issues??? Maybe. I have felt so closed off from him because he was/is very controlling. At the time I couldn't put my finger on it .... our relationship didn't feel right therefore I put the walls up. I know we all have a part in the crumbling of a marriage however now I'm wondering if I really did have a part in his behavior towards me?
I'm still moving forward...got the water turned on in my rental. Picking up the keys tomorrow but a big part of me is wondering if I'm making the right decision. Or is he using this as an excuse to point the finger at me and take the heat off him?
He has been super pleasant to be around since this happened. No snide remarks or comments, no arguments which makes it that much harder to leave. I'm finally able to get a good night's sleep since all of this. No anxiety attacks in the middle of the night because the house is calm and pleasant since our conversation.
I don't know what to think of it!
Some of you know a person called DCF on my RAH 2 months ago because he has left my boys age 7 and 5 in his vehicle while he ran into the Kava bar for his Kava drink. DCF came back to our home last Sunday to see the kids and close the case. He still did not admit to the case worker his wrong doing. As a matter of fact he says he did nothing wrong. Since the case worker paid her visit my RAH has been extra cold, rude, distant etc. He said he has issues with me. In a nut shell he feels I reported him to DCF that's why he's been mean towards me. He then tells me he has discovered in therapy the reason why he feels so alone and stuck in his life....he said I never showed him love, affection, intimacy in our marriage and he feels since I "got what I wanted" meaning our beautiful baby boys I didn't want anything to do with him. This made me feel awful...I cried for an hour. I felt responsible but there is that sinking feeling he is using this as an excuse to place blame on his actions.
I've never been a very sexual person as I can go without. When the boys were born life was hectic...intimacy was the last thing on my mind but we always fought over the subject. I felt pressured to be intimate with him. He would say he can't be in a sexless marriage and he feels disconnected and he doesn't want to get to the point where he loses feelings for me. He called it "the point of no return". I believed him and for years felt there was something wrong with me so I forced myself to be intimate with him. Do I have intimacy issues??? Maybe. I have felt so closed off from him because he was/is very controlling. At the time I couldn't put my finger on it .... our relationship didn't feel right therefore I put the walls up. I know we all have a part in the crumbling of a marriage however now I'm wondering if I really did have a part in his behavior towards me?
I'm still moving forward...got the water turned on in my rental. Picking up the keys tomorrow but a big part of me is wondering if I'm making the right decision. Or is he using this as an excuse to point the finger at me and take the heat off him?
He has been super pleasant to be around since this happened. No snide remarks or comments, no arguments which makes it that much harder to leave. I'm finally able to get a good night's sleep since all of this. No anxiety attacks in the middle of the night because the house is calm and pleasant since our conversation.
I don't know what to think of it!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mamma....I think that it is pretty standard to have a few waves of self doubt when starting to make changes such as this.....
Don't get sucked into thinking that it will all "just get better"....
You have good reasons for being at this point.......don't doubt yourself.....
dandylion
Don't get sucked into thinking that it will all "just get better"....
You have good reasons for being at this point.......don't doubt yourself.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Moving forward is a huge and scary decision!! When you hit bumps in the road think of his actions not what he's said. Do you have a journal of what has brought you to the place you are at? It's a a good thing to reference when you are having these instances of "cold feet". Relationships should not look and feel this way. For one...he put your kids lives in jeopardy when he left them in the car to get his "fix". Intimacy is based on trust and communication. I lacked that too in my marriage because of the trust issues that I had. It shouldn't be thrown in your face, rather worked through and talked about. You got what YOU wanted? How about he received 3 beautiful blessings as well. These men are great at manipulating every situation.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
First you said he has been cold, rude, and distant. Then you proceeded to say that the house has been pleasant. I think what is happening is that you are co existing and being able to ignore that he is being cold and distant to you. Has he committed to staying away from the Kava that he has been spending thousands of dollars on? How is that going?
I am not trying to be snarky. I think he is manipulating you. He got called on his own behavior and normally that means they straighten up...for a short period of time. Without knowing him or being in the situation myself, I don't know for sure of course. However, I would bet that once things have settled down, his same old self comes out, and you become miserable again.
Tight hugs friend. I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard.
I am not trying to be snarky. I think he is manipulating you. He got called on his own behavior and normally that means they straighten up...for a short period of time. Without knowing him or being in the situation myself, I don't know for sure of course. However, I would bet that once things have settled down, his same old self comes out, and you become miserable again.
Tight hugs friend. I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
mama...
He has shown you repeatedly who and what he is. Trust what your senses are telling you, because they don't lie.
Keep us posted.
He has shown you repeatedly who and what he is. Trust what your senses are telling you, because they don't lie.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I am reading this correctly, AH has been extra cold, rude and distant since DCF was contacted regarding him leaving the children unattended in a motor vehicle while he went inside a bar to have a drink.
He then says he blames YOU for calling DCF and also turns any focus regarding himself or his drinking or the failure of this marriage and puts all of the blame on you for x, y and z…bla bla bla
Manipulation is a very horrible and hurtful tool and he’s using it so well you are now questioning yourself, getting cold feet and saying how super pleasant he is to be around now (3 days).
I think it’s good you are still planning to move forward just don’t be shocked when you do and his old or normal extra cold self returns.
He then says he blames YOU for calling DCF and also turns any focus regarding himself or his drinking or the failure of this marriage and puts all of the blame on you for x, y and z…bla bla bla
Manipulation is a very horrible and hurtful tool and he’s using it so well you are now questioning yourself, getting cold feet and saying how super pleasant he is to be around now (3 days).
I think it’s good you are still planning to move forward just don’t be shocked when you do and his old or normal extra cold self returns.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mama,
Just because you are moving out doesn't mean that you can never be together in the future if he gets his act together. I was with my axh for 34 years, 26 married. I was 15 years old when we started dating. You can only imagine how difficult it was for me to file for divorce and leave. I went to 2 open AA meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week and sober recovery every night for 10 straight months. I was so entwined with this man, but I did it and so can you.
Like most of us here, we begin to slowly back away from our addicts with out knowing it. The way they treat us, we begin to subconsciously hate them. The lies, the verbal and mental abuse. I also could not stand sex with mine. He smelled every morning of alcohol, our bedroom smelled. So no wonder you step back from the relationship and go into survival mode, especially having 2 little kids. It is very common what has happened to you living with an addict.
You need a break!! Take that time for yourself to find out what you really want in life. Living with an addict is hell so in my opinion anything is going to be better then hell. Give it a try, enjoy your peace and quiet this is not a life long decision you are making that can never be reversed if he would grow up, sober up and work a program.
Sending hugs my friend that you can find peace for you and your kiddos!!
Just because you are moving out doesn't mean that you can never be together in the future if he gets his act together. I was with my axh for 34 years, 26 married. I was 15 years old when we started dating. You can only imagine how difficult it was for me to file for divorce and leave. I went to 2 open AA meetings and 2 alanon meetings a week and sober recovery every night for 10 straight months. I was so entwined with this man, but I did it and so can you.
Like most of us here, we begin to slowly back away from our addicts with out knowing it. The way they treat us, we begin to subconsciously hate them. The lies, the verbal and mental abuse. I also could not stand sex with mine. He smelled every morning of alcohol, our bedroom smelled. So no wonder you step back from the relationship and go into survival mode, especially having 2 little kids. It is very common what has happened to you living with an addict.
You need a break!! Take that time for yourself to find out what you really want in life. Living with an addict is hell so in my opinion anything is going to be better then hell. Give it a try, enjoy your peace and quiet this is not a life long decision you are making that can never be reversed if he would grow up, sober up and work a program.
Sending hugs my friend that you can find peace for you and your kiddos!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I agree with maia, life is ever changing. You can move on now and if things happen that prove to you this man is the one you are meant to be with - then you reconcile.
My thoughts are with you during this new transition.
My thoughts are with you during this new transition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
[QUOTE=hopeful4;6066474]First you said he has been cold, rude, and distant. Then you proceeded to say that the house has been pleasant. I think what is happening is that you are co existing and being able to ignore that he is being cold and distant to you. Has he committed to staying away from the Kava that he has been spending thousands of dollars on? How is that going?
yes ever since the talk...he has been pleasant...almost as if we have an understanding that he is not completely responsible and I'm to blame too. I think because he witnessed me crying and hurt he now feels I still care for him and maybe there is a chance of reconciliation. Idk...I told him he cannot mistreat me...so now he is on his best behavior.
I am not trying to be snarky. I think he is manipulating you. He got called on his own behavior and normally that means they straighten up...for a short period
My thoughts too but I want to believe it's going to be different.
yes ever since the talk...he has been pleasant...almost as if we have an understanding that he is not completely responsible and I'm to blame too. I think because he witnessed me crying and hurt he now feels I still care for him and maybe there is a chance of reconciliation. Idk...I told him he cannot mistreat me...so now he is on his best behavior.
I am not trying to be snarky. I think he is manipulating you. He got called on his own behavior and normally that means they straighten up...for a short period
My thoughts too but I want to believe it's going to be different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by atalose 
If I am reading this correctly, AH has been extra cold, rude and distant since DCF was contacted regarding him leaving the children unattended in a motor vehicle while he went inside a bar to have a drink.
He then says he blames YOU for calling DCF and also turns any focus regarding himself or his drinking or the failure of this marriage and puts all of the blame on you for x, y and z…bla bla bla
Manipulation is a very horrible and hurtful tool and he’s using it so well you are now questioning yourself, getting cold feet and saying how super pleasant he is to be around now (3 days).
I think it’s good you are still planning to move forward just don’t be shocked when you do and his old or normal extra cold self returns.
He then says he blames YOU for calling DCF and also turns any focus regarding himself or his drinking or the failure of this marriage and puts all of the blame on you for x, y and z…bla bla bla
Manipulation is a very horrible and hurtful tool and he’s using it so well you are now questioning yourself, getting cold feet and saying how super pleasant he is to be around now (3 days).
I think it’s good you are still planning to move forward just don’t be shocked when you do and his old or normal extra cold self returns.
I'm scared to tell him. Maybe I'm scared for nothing who knows.
Dumb question but how would a normal rational person react to the news of divorce?
He once told me he would NOT separate. He said you either stay in the marriage or you hand me divorce papers. So I don't know how I'm going to do this.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well, I don't think his history exhibits him as normal. He has addictive behavior, and has been very angry in the past, and made bad decisions. So what I would expect is this:
Anger. Manipulation, lots of it. Once he sees you not bend to the manipulation the anger may be extreme. Bad mouthing you to family and friends. Financial manipulation. Trying to withhold children. Use children to try to manipulate you. Lies, lots of lies.
That is what I would expect I am sorry to say. I am not trying to make it worse, I am just a big believer in past actions predicting future behaviors.
Tight hugs.
Anger. Manipulation, lots of it. Once he sees you not bend to the manipulation the anger may be extreme. Bad mouthing you to family and friends. Financial manipulation. Trying to withhold children. Use children to try to manipulate you. Lies, lots of lies.
That is what I would expect I am sorry to say. I am not trying to make it worse, I am just a big believer in past actions predicting future behaviors.
Tight hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so let me get this straight....he does not DENY that he DID leave his children IN the car unsupervised while he went into a Kava bar. he just doesn't SEE that there was anything at all WRONG with that behavior, to leave a 5 and 7 yr old alone to go get "mellow" or whatever.
and he gets busted for it and DCF descends. now they are closing the case (????) and he gets all nasty with you. and somehow draws a line between what HE did, neglecting his own children, to you not putting out enough.
who does that? deflects their poor parenting by blaming it on lack of sex????
and your take away is that you ARE at fault, you ARE to blame, and maybe there IS hope?
and he gets busted for it and DCF descends. now they are closing the case (????) and he gets all nasty with you. and somehow draws a line between what HE did, neglecting his own children, to you not putting out enough.
who does that? deflects their poor parenting by blaming it on lack of sex????
and your take away is that you ARE at fault, you ARE to blame, and maybe there IS hope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so let me get this straight....he does not DENY that he DID leave his children IN the car unsupervised while he went into a Kava bar. he just doesn't SEE that there was anything at all WRONG with that behavior, to leave a 5 and 7 yr old alone to go get "mellow" or whatever.
and he gets busted for it and DCF descends. now they are closing the case (????) and he gets all nasty with you. and somehow draws a line between what HE did, neglecting his own children, to you not putting out enough.
who does that? deflects their poor parenting by blaming it on lack of sex????
and your take away is that you ARE at fault, you ARE to blame, and maybe there IS hope?
and he gets busted for it and DCF descends. now they are closing the case (????) and he gets all nasty with you. and somehow draws a line between what HE did, neglecting his own children, to you not putting out enough.
who does that? deflects their poor parenting by blaming it on lack of sex????
and your take away is that you ARE at fault, you ARE to blame, and maybe there IS hope?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
MOB3 ... please do what is right for your children. They didn't ask to be left in a car then nor in the future. It will always be one thing or another. Putting their little trusting lives at risk. Your husband is a manipulator and I found that during my years working to end codependency - it's a horrible feeling to be the martyr. Anger is a confusing emotion when I didn't necessarily make the changes necessary to demonstrate to my daughters, that they mattered more than my wonder at saving a relationship that was abusive.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Nothing about a relationship with an alcoholic is normal, so trying to rationalize what a normal person vs an alcoholic reaction to a divorce would be is wasted thinking/energy.
He's a manipulator he's used to manipulating you and getting his way-remaining in charge/control. If you are serious about divorce and not just announcing you want one but rather taking the necessary steps by filing, he losses all that control he's been accustomed to having.
Controllers attempt to control even more so I would imagine all of his negative behaviors will be 10 fold.
He's a manipulator he's used to manipulating you and getting his way-remaining in charge/control. If you are serious about divorce and not just announcing you want one but rather taking the necessary steps by filing, he losses all that control he's been accustomed to having.
Controllers attempt to control even more so I would imagine all of his negative behaviors will be 10 fold.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Mama...how are you doing with everything? I am meeting with my lawyer Monday to proceed with the divorce and I am extremely nervous, anxious etc. I've met with her months back when I first moved out but I planned for this to be the "let's proceed" meeting. I am just so anxious about this upcoming battle...with telling him initially... to what is going to happen with the child custody arrangement.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Hugs mama. I know completely how it feels to have AH do something completely stupid and irresponsible and blame it on me. And even though the old me was a smart strong woman this new me even contemplated for a moment whether he is right.
But he is not right. I am still coming to this realization now but we must see things how they are. My AH likes to say wait and see and then start talking about how awesome things are about to be. But you like me have been waiting and seeing and its not the beautiful picture that we wanted.
I expect when you tell him you are going to hear a million insults but also promises about how great he can do with just a bit more (time money drinks pills) or whatever. And it may resemble a child who is having a tantrum. But you are used to this. You are not crazy and you have been down that road. So you do what you have to do. I read stories on what people who left say and most say they wish it had happened years before it did.
Why do we put such value in our own lives yet do everything for the A. Who knows. ......but you don't have to live like that with your kiddos so good for you for moving forward.
But he is not right. I am still coming to this realization now but we must see things how they are. My AH likes to say wait and see and then start talking about how awesome things are about to be. But you like me have been waiting and seeing and its not the beautiful picture that we wanted.
I expect when you tell him you are going to hear a million insults but also promises about how great he can do with just a bit more (time money drinks pills) or whatever. And it may resemble a child who is having a tantrum. But you are used to this. You are not crazy and you have been down that road. So you do what you have to do. I read stories on what people who left say and most say they wish it had happened years before it did.
Why do we put such value in our own lives yet do everything for the A. Who knows. ......but you don't have to live like that with your kiddos so good for you for moving forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Sunshine1234
Mama...how are you doing with everything? I am meeting with my lawyer Monday to proceed with the divorce and I am extremely nervous, anxious etc. I've met with her months back when I first moved out but I planned for this to be the "let's proceed" meeting. I am just so anxious about this upcoming battle...with telling him initially... to what is going to happen with the child custody arrangement.
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