How to handle the sadness...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
How to handle the sadness...
I have been trying really hard to stay positive and happy but, sometimes this overwhelming sadness creeps in.
Heard from AS about a week ago by way of text wanting me to pick him up and take him to driver's license center so he could get a new ID. He didn't have money to pay for it so that would be on me as well.
I did not do it and that was a rough decision. He said he needed it to catch a train to head to NY to get work.
He does the whole thing "I love you Mom" I really need you to help me out but, he doesn't mention the fact that this is the first we've heard from him in 2 months, the fact that he missed my b-day or anniversary and his b-day never comes up. The fact that he told me months ago just to give him 5 weeks and he'd get everything straightened out! Forget that he keeps telling me he's clean but still has no job, no home, no car and no contact with his daughter. Or the fact that he refuses to contact probation, go to hearings, so once again he is in contempt and the bench warrant will be issued.
We had his daughter with us over the weekend for a sleepover. She no longer asks us if we've heard from him. In 1 year he has seen her 2 times. She now has a Stepdad and I am sure in time she will refer to him as her dad (she is only 10).
I am so sad. I want my family back! I am tired of all the worry, the fear of what the day will bring, I have to take meds to fall asleep at night. Family members who know the situation never ask how we are doing. Like someone said in a post a few weeks back, "it's like he died and no one wants to talk about it".
Hubby and I do talk about it and we know we are doing the right thing by not letting him bring his crazy world into our life but, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
We continue on with the family parties and get together's but, there is always that hole......a big black hole....
When does it get any easier? if ever?
Heard from AS about a week ago by way of text wanting me to pick him up and take him to driver's license center so he could get a new ID. He didn't have money to pay for it so that would be on me as well.
I did not do it and that was a rough decision. He said he needed it to catch a train to head to NY to get work.
He does the whole thing "I love you Mom" I really need you to help me out but, he doesn't mention the fact that this is the first we've heard from him in 2 months, the fact that he missed my b-day or anniversary and his b-day never comes up. The fact that he told me months ago just to give him 5 weeks and he'd get everything straightened out! Forget that he keeps telling me he's clean but still has no job, no home, no car and no contact with his daughter. Or the fact that he refuses to contact probation, go to hearings, so once again he is in contempt and the bench warrant will be issued.
We had his daughter with us over the weekend for a sleepover. She no longer asks us if we've heard from him. In 1 year he has seen her 2 times. She now has a Stepdad and I am sure in time she will refer to him as her dad (she is only 10).
I am so sad. I want my family back! I am tired of all the worry, the fear of what the day will bring, I have to take meds to fall asleep at night. Family members who know the situation never ask how we are doing. Like someone said in a post a few weeks back, "it's like he died and no one wants to talk about it".
Hubby and I do talk about it and we know we are doing the right thing by not letting him bring his crazy world into our life but, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
We continue on with the family parties and get together's but, there is always that hole......a big black hole....
When does it get any easier? if ever?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OH Pink, my heart goes out to you!! There are millions of mothers who go through the same thing that you do.....
I want you to know that I THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
There are many people who do, eventually, straighten their life out.....
It takes a long time for some people......
I think the message that you are sending of not enabling him...and, not falling for every manipulation is an important message.....
The rest of the family deserves to go on living life---because not doing so will not help hjm one bit......
You will have to keep l oving from a distance.....
Let go and Let God......
dandylion
I want you to know that I THINK YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
There are many people who do, eventually, straighten their life out.....
It takes a long time for some people......
I think the message that you are sending of not enabling him...and, not falling for every manipulation is an important message.....
The rest of the family deserves to go on living life---because not doing so will not help hjm one bit......
You will have to keep l oving from a distance.....
Let go and Let God......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Plink, you are doing the only thing that makes sense. Don't jump on the train again. I have learned that JJ always finds recovery once I get the HECK out of the way! They do ultimately have to make this choice. Keep focusing on YOU, your Hubby and your precious Grandchild. Your son knows you love him, but he isn't ready for change.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Plink, my son has been missing, lost in his addiction for over 10 years.
Prior to that we went through about 10 years of in and out of the revolving door of addiction/recovery/repeat, he lived at home many times and each time ended badly and he had to leave. He stole from us, lied to us, hid drugs and stolen goods at our home jeopardizing our safety. We tried and tried to save him until it almost killed us. I learned that all the love in the world could not save our son...or yours...if it could not one of us would be here.
During all this I found Al-anon and CoDA, two similar fellowships that literally saved my life and gave me my strength and peace back. I highly recommend trying meetings and doing whatever you can for you.
I get through my day by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son and to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith that all is well, I find joy in every single day, good ones and bad, and I am grateful to be alive after going through 2 years of cancer...both my husband and I had it at the same time (and are both doing well today).
I hope you and your family can find your own joy and peace and life without addiction. Your addicted son knows where help is and he can find help on his own when he is ready. The Salvation Army programs are very good and free. Or he may continue to use, as my son did, and no matter how upset we get it won't change that outcome at all.
Big hugs from my heart to yours, I know your pain and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Prior to that we went through about 10 years of in and out of the revolving door of addiction/recovery/repeat, he lived at home many times and each time ended badly and he had to leave. He stole from us, lied to us, hid drugs and stolen goods at our home jeopardizing our safety. We tried and tried to save him until it almost killed us. I learned that all the love in the world could not save our son...or yours...if it could not one of us would be here.
During all this I found Al-anon and CoDA, two similar fellowships that literally saved my life and gave me my strength and peace back. I highly recommend trying meetings and doing whatever you can for you.
I get through my day by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son and to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith that all is well, I find joy in every single day, good ones and bad, and I am grateful to be alive after going through 2 years of cancer...both my husband and I had it at the same time (and are both doing well today).
I hope you and your family can find your own joy and peace and life without addiction. Your addicted son knows where help is and he can find help on his own when he is ready. The Salvation Army programs are very good and free. Or he may continue to use, as my son did, and no matter how upset we get it won't change that outcome at all.
Big hugs from my heart to yours, I know your pain and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 68
Thank you all for the replies and the encouraging words. It means a lot. Not sure what it was but yesterday was just a really tough day. Normally I can say a prayer and God does take it away but, yesterday for some reason it just wasn't working.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 1
Dear Plink,
I feel for you--our family is in a similar boat. You are doing what is right for your family, your grandchild and ultimately, your sanity. I don't think it gets easier, but the switch from supporting the addict to supporting your life is the only way to live fully. Losing an adult child to addiction is the worst hell. No one who is not going through it can fully understand how emotionally taxing it is. I think the sadness, at least for me, never dissipates, but it does become more tolerable. Keep reaching out---you are not alone.
I feel for you--our family is in a similar boat. You are doing what is right for your family, your grandchild and ultimately, your sanity. I don't think it gets easier, but the switch from supporting the addict to supporting your life is the only way to live fully. Losing an adult child to addiction is the worst hell. No one who is not going through it can fully understand how emotionally taxing it is. I think the sadness, at least for me, never dissipates, but it does become more tolerable. Keep reaching out---you are not alone.
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