How can you disengage when it's shoved down your throat?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
How can you disengage when it's shoved down your throat?
Hi All,
Yesterday, I got home from work to find stepson crashed out in the chair. Hubby sent him up to take a nap, stating that they had "talked" and had a really good convo, and he felt good about it.
What I saw from my side: he was fired from a job last week after less than 2 weeks there, he was supposed to be starting a new job yesterday that he did not show up to. He came over, ate our food and was asleep in the living room at 3PM. Went upstairs and slept from 3 through this morning when I left for work.
My version of reality is different from hubbys.
I can not go back to living with this "kid." I've tried, I really have, but the truth is, at this stage, I don't believe he is capable of holding a job, taking care of his child, etc etc etc.
The bigger issue is that I don't feel safe when he is in the house.
He's homeless and bouncing around by his own choice.
I try to disengage but how can you when he is at your home when you get out of work?
I feel like, in my mind, I know I am done, but hubby is not. I believe I need to lay down my boundaries and if it comes down to it, say I WILL NOT live with him period, even if it means moving out of MY home.
I hate conflict and feel like it's going to be really really ugly.
Hubby says in one breath, that he cant be there, but the next thing you know, there he is. Doing the same old, same old.
Yesterday, I got home from work to find stepson crashed out in the chair. Hubby sent him up to take a nap, stating that they had "talked" and had a really good convo, and he felt good about it.
What I saw from my side: he was fired from a job last week after less than 2 weeks there, he was supposed to be starting a new job yesterday that he did not show up to. He came over, ate our food and was asleep in the living room at 3PM. Went upstairs and slept from 3 through this morning when I left for work.
My version of reality is different from hubbys.
I can not go back to living with this "kid." I've tried, I really have, but the truth is, at this stage, I don't believe he is capable of holding a job, taking care of his child, etc etc etc.
The bigger issue is that I don't feel safe when he is in the house.
He's homeless and bouncing around by his own choice.
I try to disengage but how can you when he is at your home when you get out of work?
I feel like, in my mind, I know I am done, but hubby is not. I believe I need to lay down my boundaries and if it comes down to it, say I WILL NOT live with him period, even if it means moving out of MY home.
I hate conflict and feel like it's going to be really really ugly.
Hubby says in one breath, that he cant be there, but the next thing you know, there he is. Doing the same old, same old.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
No one has to live in fear in their own home and I think planning how you will enforce your boundary of NOT living with an active addict in your home needs to be your focus.
Sadly you are dealing with both an addict and an enabler who have shown you by their actions that they are not ready to make a change. So that leaves you being the one that needs to step off the roller coaster, regroup and make future decisions.
I had a friend in a similar situation with his significant other and her addict daughter. They had been together for many years, bought a home together then addiction entered into the picture and pulled their marriage apart. After numerous attempts at standing his ground, putting his foot down his only solution was to dissolve the relationship and sell the home since she or he could not buy the other out.
That was 5 years ago and his life is calm and peaceful and he’s in another relationship. Sadly his ex has not changed, she continues to “participate” in her daughter’s addiction by enabling.
Sadly you are dealing with both an addict and an enabler who have shown you by their actions that they are not ready to make a change. So that leaves you being the one that needs to step off the roller coaster, regroup and make future decisions.
I had a friend in a similar situation with his significant other and her addict daughter. They had been together for many years, bought a home together then addiction entered into the picture and pulled their marriage apart. After numerous attempts at standing his ground, putting his foot down his only solution was to dissolve the relationship and sell the home since she or he could not buy the other out.
That was 5 years ago and his life is calm and peaceful and he’s in another relationship. Sadly his ex has not changed, she continues to “participate” in her daughter’s addiction by enabling.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I'm so sorry. The powerful pull to "help" his child may be more than fulfilling whatever deals you need for your own boundaries. That is the reality.
I encourage you to do what you need to do for yourself. It will continue to spiral, and obviously he will see that, eventually. It may take years.
Hugs to you. You deserve peace.
I encourage you to do what you need to do for yourself. It will continue to spiral, and obviously he will see that, eventually. It may take years.
Hugs to you. You deserve peace.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It is a lousy situation and I am really sorry for the constant stress you must be under - I can practically feel it in your posts. But I think that atalose's post is spot on. You cannot change your step son nor your partner. But you can take the steps needed to change the horrible impact this is having on you. Perhaps you can work to make it not get ugly by trying to be clear that this is about your needs - not changing them, and to say what you mean but say it calmly.
You need to feel safe; you need to have a peaceful house so if your husband needs to let his son stay, then perhaps you are right that the alternative is for you to find somewhere safe to be. Each step will lead you to the next right thing
You need to feel safe; you need to have a peaceful house so if your husband needs to let his son stay, then perhaps you are right that the alternative is for you to find somewhere safe to be. Each step will lead you to the next right thing
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
My son is a heroine addict. It is painful to watch and so difficult to not help. My husband (my son's stepdad) has helped me more with his resolve. He stood up to me. Told me we were not enabling him. I don't ever give him money, he is never allowed to live with us. I am thankful he pushed me. If not, I would definitely be the sucker in our relationship. Maybe he needs your help to stand up to his son. Prayers for you all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I have an hour left at work. I don't want to go home.
Don't know what I will find.
Don't want to deal with whatever I do find.
Mostly, I don't want to have hubby feel like I am not supporting him. I've tried so so hard to BE supportive. The last fight we had about the issue, he tried to pull the "you've never liked him" bs, and I really lost it. It is true that I do not feel the same way about the stepkids than I do my bio son. BUT but but, I've been there for the ups and downs for 10 freaken years!
It was ME who took this kid to get his first apt. and outfit it with what he needed. No matter how much I have done, I feel like I will be the bad guy who hasn't done/loved enough. and that my friends, breaks my heart.
There seems to be a reoccurrent theme in my life, where I offer all I have to give, and it's just not enough.
Ah, I think I'm falling into pity party mode. sorry.
Don't know what I will find.
Don't want to deal with whatever I do find.
Mostly, I don't want to have hubby feel like I am not supporting him. I've tried so so hard to BE supportive. The last fight we had about the issue, he tried to pull the "you've never liked him" bs, and I really lost it. It is true that I do not feel the same way about the stepkids than I do my bio son. BUT but but, I've been there for the ups and downs for 10 freaken years!
It was ME who took this kid to get his first apt. and outfit it with what he needed. No matter how much I have done, I feel like I will be the bad guy who hasn't done/loved enough. and that my friends, breaks my heart.
There seems to be a reoccurrent theme in my life, where I offer all I have to give, and it's just not enough.
Ah, I think I'm falling into pity party mode. sorry.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have been in your situation with my own son, but my husband and I were pretty much in agreement all the way along so making my son leave our home was not as hard as this is for you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with every word Greet said. You don't have to debate, argue or let it get ugly, you can simply state your boundary and stick to it. Something like "If sonny boy is not out of this house in 30 days (or 10 or 5) then I will be making separate living arrangements for myself. I can no longer live like this and will take care of myself by doing what I need to do to find my peace." That makes it about you, not them, and your feelings are valid whether they respect them or not.
Sadly, addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with every word Greet said. You don't have to debate, argue or let it get ugly, you can simply state your boundary and stick to it. Something like "If sonny boy is not out of this house in 30 days (or 10 or 5) then I will be making separate living arrangements for myself. I can no longer live like this and will take care of myself by doing what I need to do to find my peace." That makes it about you, not them, and your feelings are valid whether they respect them or not.
Sadly, addiction truly is a family disease.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
I believe if you set your boundaries, stick to them, your husband might be relieved that the situation was taken out of his hands. I certainly was. I felt horrible not "helping" my son. Enabling is not helping. I just needed that push to realize that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There seems to be a reoccurrent theme in my life, where I offer all I have to give, and it's just not enough.
I think the lesson has to be with "giving all you have" which leaves little for JUST YOU.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
My thoughts may seem a little different than the others, but it's only my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.
I was the enabler, the one who kept letting my brother in, kept "helping" him.
It was heartbreaking to stop, which is why I'm here. My husband put up with more than he ever should have and I'm eternally grateful that I still have him. These are some of the things he said to me EVERY DAY until I finally woke up. (A matter of weeks after the dialog began.)
"Do you understand that he's addicted? That he has to take the steps to recovery?" "We are a team. It's you and me." "These are the problems today from him being here..." "He is my brother, too, and I love him, too."
I had to deal with the fact that I would lose my brother. And I basically did. It took a little while to process. It was easier when I felt supported.
BUT - I can't stress this enough - there has to be a line. It cannot continue forever. If my husband had threatened to leave, my brother would have been out.
I was the enabler, the one who kept letting my brother in, kept "helping" him.
It was heartbreaking to stop, which is why I'm here. My husband put up with more than he ever should have and I'm eternally grateful that I still have him. These are some of the things he said to me EVERY DAY until I finally woke up. (A matter of weeks after the dialog began.)
"Do you understand that he's addicted? That he has to take the steps to recovery?" "We are a team. It's you and me." "These are the problems today from him being here..." "He is my brother, too, and I love him, too."
I had to deal with the fact that I would lose my brother. And I basically did. It took a little while to process. It was easier when I felt supported.
BUT - I can't stress this enough - there has to be a line. It cannot continue forever. If my husband had threatened to leave, my brother would have been out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
A belated welcome to SR, Sephra!
I have an adult son and can relate to what you have shared.
If it helps at all, I'd like to share that as I've learned and become encouraged over the past six years as a member of SR -- through what I've read in the wealth of information here at SR and with the support of other members here -- setting and keeping on with boundaries has eventually brought about a more peaceful, safer and healthier life for me. There are still challenges and conflicts between all involved, but since my son had moved out (basically kicked out) a few years ago, tensions eventually eased and all (me, husband, son) are moving on and dealing with our own lives.
I have an adult son and can relate to what you have shared.
If it helps at all, I'd like to share that as I've learned and become encouraged over the past six years as a member of SR -- through what I've read in the wealth of information here at SR and with the support of other members here -- setting and keeping on with boundaries has eventually brought about a more peaceful, safer and healthier life for me. There are still challenges and conflicts between all involved, but since my son had moved out (basically kicked out) a few years ago, tensions eventually eased and all (me, husband, son) are moving on and dealing with our own lives.
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