Feel like OI
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Feel like OI
I don't even know how to write this or what to say but I know I need to.
I have twin boys. One has always favored me, one my STBX. When i got a restraining order both kids rallied around me and I have to say we were a dang strong (albeit broken) family unit. Then, like an idiot, I dropped the restraining order and attempted reconciliation with someone in full-blown addiction. It didn't work out (surprise!) so here we are now.
Ever since STBX started seeing the boys twice a week, things have been so difficult. This is how their visits go:
STBX takes them to his friend's house (who is a full-blown alcoholic and drinks a 30-pack a day). STBX hangs out with his group of junkie/alcoholic friends while all of the friends' kids run around and play and eat junk food and basically have the time of their lives. I mean, it's Disneyland over there, as far as they're concerned. (And I couldn't be more pissed that I brought this up in mediation and it was viewed as a total non-issue by mediator. "Well, is STBX a grown-up?" He asked. "Yes..." "Well, are grown-ups allowed to drink?" On visits with his kids? When he only sees them two days a week? But, anyway, what I'm getting at is- the kids don't see the dysfunctionality here. They just see fun, fun, fun, and then have to come home to structure and rules.
Well, like I said, one kid (I'll call him J1) always favored me, J2 his father. J1 knows something's a little fishy, though he thoroughly enjoys his visits with the other kids. J2, though- oh, man. He seems to be starting to hate me. All he ever talks about is how things are done over there, and why can't we stay up as late as we want and why don't I just give them bags of chips and candy and let them run amock and why should they have to do chores and on and on and on.
It's just so hard, and I think it's compounded by the fact that J1 is so darn sweet to me and happily does anything I ask. It just makes it that much more noticeable that J2 is acting up, which I know is so wrong. I've never played favorites, but it's just so hard when one is so mean and contrary. I mean, everything I say turns into an argument- he's testing me constantly.
And I know all I can do is just hang on. People keep telling me he'll see the truth one day- but when? This is hurting so bad. But I know he's probably hurting worse, and it must be even harder for him, because he doesn't know how to process these emotions.
Thank you for reading.
I have twin boys. One has always favored me, one my STBX. When i got a restraining order both kids rallied around me and I have to say we were a dang strong (albeit broken) family unit. Then, like an idiot, I dropped the restraining order and attempted reconciliation with someone in full-blown addiction. It didn't work out (surprise!) so here we are now.
Ever since STBX started seeing the boys twice a week, things have been so difficult. This is how their visits go:
STBX takes them to his friend's house (who is a full-blown alcoholic and drinks a 30-pack a day). STBX hangs out with his group of junkie/alcoholic friends while all of the friends' kids run around and play and eat junk food and basically have the time of their lives. I mean, it's Disneyland over there, as far as they're concerned. (And I couldn't be more pissed that I brought this up in mediation and it was viewed as a total non-issue by mediator. "Well, is STBX a grown-up?" He asked. "Yes..." "Well, are grown-ups allowed to drink?" On visits with his kids? When he only sees them two days a week? But, anyway, what I'm getting at is- the kids don't see the dysfunctionality here. They just see fun, fun, fun, and then have to come home to structure and rules.
Well, like I said, one kid (I'll call him J1) always favored me, J2 his father. J1 knows something's a little fishy, though he thoroughly enjoys his visits with the other kids. J2, though- oh, man. He seems to be starting to hate me. All he ever talks about is how things are done over there, and why can't we stay up as late as we want and why don't I just give them bags of chips and candy and let them run amock and why should they have to do chores and on and on and on.
It's just so hard, and I think it's compounded by the fact that J1 is so darn sweet to me and happily does anything I ask. It just makes it that much more noticeable that J2 is acting up, which I know is so wrong. I've never played favorites, but it's just so hard when one is so mean and contrary. I mean, everything I say turns into an argument- he's testing me constantly.
And I know all I can do is just hang on. People keep telling me he'll see the truth one day- but when? This is hurting so bad. But I know he's probably hurting worse, and it must be even harder for him, because he doesn't know how to process these emotions.
Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Unfortunately, it may take a while for them to see. In the mean time, I suggest you stick to your routine and boundaries. Have you thought about counseling for them? It sounds like that would be in order, with someone who can help families with addiction issues.
I would also, in a very structured way, make sure to plan some fun things around your home for them. Not that you need to entertain them b/c you don't, but because it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and not actually enjoy spending quality time together.
Hugs to you.
I would also, in a very structured way, make sure to plan some fun things around your home for them. Not that you need to entertain them b/c you don't, but because it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and not actually enjoy spending quality time together.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 36
Wow, that is a really tough situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not really sure what to suggest about the visits he is entitled to with the kids because I don't have great knowledge with that - I'm sure someone else on here will be able to make a few suggestions and help you on this.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and I was allowed to spend two days a week at my Dad's throughout my childhood. It was kind of similar for me - my sister and I got to stay with Dad and he would let us stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies. I wished my Mum would let me do all the fun stuff! But nope, at Mum's we had to go to bed at the same time every night. She hardly ever bought us take-away (once in a blue moon!). We were allowed to borrow one video from the video shop every week for $2. She worked full time and we were in daycare or school for most of the day - we didn't get much time to really hang out with her or do many fun activities. I got lonely a lot and really missed my Dad. I used to say things like that to my Mum too - "Why can't I stay up tonight? Why can't you buy me lollies just this once?" - the truth is, we were pretty poor, she struggled to make ends meet and worked her absolute butt off. My Dad was poor too but he only saw us sometimes so he did have the money to buy us treats and go to the cinema etc. (well barely!)
I know now that hearing that kind of stuff from me was probably hurtful for my Mum. And the truth is that she left him, after being with him for 7 years and being married - one day she just grabbed me and my sister, drove to her parents' house and never looked back. My Dad was an alcoholic at the time. (He's always been an amazing father though and is not an alcoholic now!) ... My point is, I'm 21 now and I can see things for what they are, and have done for many years now. I appreciate my Mum soooooooo much. She's basically superwoman. I love both my parents very much but I don't discount anything Mum has done for me and my sister, the sacrifices she has made, and I know that leaving a relationship like that would have been hellish for her.
Your boys will both do this too. I'm sorry if that's not much consolation for now, but you sound like an amazing mum who would go above and beyond for her children. And your kids will look back on everything you're going through now and they will appreciate the lengths you have gone to give them a safe and happy home. I would also say this - don't take your son's acting out as an attack on you. Divorce is very stressful on kids and he is probably really confused and missing his father loads. And that's natural! Listen to him, and pay attention to signs that he may have things on his mind or is troubled by something. Ask him how he feels about everything, and try to explain why you need him to do the things you ask him to. I know it must be so frustrating sometimes. He's not angry at you, and he isn't deliberately trying to upset you or hurt you, he may be hurting himself and may not even understand why so he acts out.
Anyway, sorry for the huge response! I hope you find some peace with this soon, you sound like such a strong person...hang in there and keep giving it everything you've got! Things are going to get better
My parents divorced when I was 2, and I was allowed to spend two days a week at my Dad's throughout my childhood. It was kind of similar for me - my sister and I got to stay with Dad and he would let us stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies. I wished my Mum would let me do all the fun stuff! But nope, at Mum's we had to go to bed at the same time every night. She hardly ever bought us take-away (once in a blue moon!). We were allowed to borrow one video from the video shop every week for $2. She worked full time and we were in daycare or school for most of the day - we didn't get much time to really hang out with her or do many fun activities. I got lonely a lot and really missed my Dad. I used to say things like that to my Mum too - "Why can't I stay up tonight? Why can't you buy me lollies just this once?" - the truth is, we were pretty poor, she struggled to make ends meet and worked her absolute butt off. My Dad was poor too but he only saw us sometimes so he did have the money to buy us treats and go to the cinema etc. (well barely!)
I know now that hearing that kind of stuff from me was probably hurtful for my Mum. And the truth is that she left him, after being with him for 7 years and being married - one day she just grabbed me and my sister, drove to her parents' house and never looked back. My Dad was an alcoholic at the time. (He's always been an amazing father though and is not an alcoholic now!) ... My point is, I'm 21 now and I can see things for what they are, and have done for many years now. I appreciate my Mum soooooooo much. She's basically superwoman. I love both my parents very much but I don't discount anything Mum has done for me and my sister, the sacrifices she has made, and I know that leaving a relationship like that would have been hellish for her.
Your boys will both do this too. I'm sorry if that's not much consolation for now, but you sound like an amazing mum who would go above and beyond for her children. And your kids will look back on everything you're going through now and they will appreciate the lengths you have gone to give them a safe and happy home. I would also say this - don't take your son's acting out as an attack on you. Divorce is very stressful on kids and he is probably really confused and missing his father loads. And that's natural! Listen to him, and pay attention to signs that he may have things on his mind or is troubled by something. Ask him how he feels about everything, and try to explain why you need him to do the things you ask him to. I know it must be so frustrating sometimes. He's not angry at you, and he isn't deliberately trying to upset you or hurt you, he may be hurting himself and may not even understand why so he acts out.
Anyway, sorry for the huge response! I hope you find some peace with this soon, you sound like such a strong person...hang in there and keep giving it everything you've got! Things are going to get better
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I would also, in a very structured way, make sure to plan some fun things around your home for them. Not that you need to entertain them b/c you don't, but because it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and not actually enjoy spending quality time together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by sunny053
Wow, that is a really tough situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not really sure what to suggest about the visits he is entitled to with the kids because I don't have great knowledge with that - I'm sure someone else on here will be able to make a few suggestions and help you on this.
My parents divorced when I was 2, and I was allowed to spend two days a week at my Dad's throughout my childhood. It was kind of similar for me - my sister and I got to stay with Dad and he would let us stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies. I wished my Mum would let me do all the fun stuff! But nope, at Mum's we had to go to bed at the same time every night. She hardly ever bought us take-away (once in a blue moon!). We were allowed to borrow one video from the video shop every week for $2. She worked full time and we were in daycare or school for most of the day - we didn't get much time to really hang out with her or do many fun activities. I got lonely a lot and really missed my Dad. I used to say things like that to my Mum too - "Why can't I stay up tonight? Why can't you buy me lollies just this once?" - the truth is, we were pretty poor, she struggled to make ends meet and worked her absolute butt off. My Dad was poor too but he only saw us sometimes so he did have the money to buy us treats and go to the cinema etc. (well barely!)
I know now that hearing that kind of stuff from me was probably hurtful for my Mum. And the truth is that she left him, after being with him for 7 years and being married - one day she just grabbed me and my sister, drove to her parents' house and never looked back. My Dad was an alcoholic at the time. (He's always been an amazing father though and is not an alcoholic now!) ... My point is, I'm 21 now and I can see things for what they are, and have done for many years now. I appreciate my Mum soooooooo much. She's basically superwoman. I love both my parents very much but I don't discount anything Mum has done for me and my sister, the sacrifices she has made, and I know that leaving a relationship like that would have been hellish for her.
Your boys will both do this too. I'm sorry if that's not much consolation for now, but you sound like an amazing mum who would go above and beyond for her children. And your kids will look back on everything you're going through now and they will appreciate the lengths you have gone to give them a safe and happy home. I would also say this - don't take your son's acting out as an attack on you. Divorce is very stressful on kids and he is probably really confused and missing his father loads. And that's natural! Listen to him, and pay attention to signs that he may have things on his mind or is troubled by something. Ask him how he feels about everything, and try to explain why you need him to do the things you ask him to. I know it must be so frustrating sometimes. He's not angry at you, and he isn't deliberately trying to upset you or hurt you, he may be hurting himself and may not even understand why so he acts out.
Anyway, sorry for the huge response! I hope you find some peace with this soon, you sound like such a strong person...hang in there and keep giving it everything you've got! Things are going to get better
My parents divorced when I was 2, and I was allowed to spend two days a week at my Dad's throughout my childhood. It was kind of similar for me - my sister and I got to stay with Dad and he would let us stay up late, eat junk food and watch movies. I wished my Mum would let me do all the fun stuff! But nope, at Mum's we had to go to bed at the same time every night. She hardly ever bought us take-away (once in a blue moon!). We were allowed to borrow one video from the video shop every week for $2. She worked full time and we were in daycare or school for most of the day - we didn't get much time to really hang out with her or do many fun activities. I got lonely a lot and really missed my Dad. I used to say things like that to my Mum too - "Why can't I stay up tonight? Why can't you buy me lollies just this once?" - the truth is, we were pretty poor, she struggled to make ends meet and worked her absolute butt off. My Dad was poor too but he only saw us sometimes so he did have the money to buy us treats and go to the cinema etc. (well barely!)
I know now that hearing that kind of stuff from me was probably hurtful for my Mum. And the truth is that she left him, after being with him for 7 years and being married - one day she just grabbed me and my sister, drove to her parents' house and never looked back. My Dad was an alcoholic at the time. (He's always been an amazing father though and is not an alcoholic now!) ... My point is, I'm 21 now and I can see things for what they are, and have done for many years now. I appreciate my Mum soooooooo much. She's basically superwoman. I love both my parents very much but I don't discount anything Mum has done for me and my sister, the sacrifices she has made, and I know that leaving a relationship like that would have been hellish for her.
Your boys will both do this too. I'm sorry if that's not much consolation for now, but you sound like an amazing mum who would go above and beyond for her children. And your kids will look back on everything you're going through now and they will appreciate the lengths you have gone to give them a safe and happy home. I would also say this - don't take your son's acting out as an attack on you. Divorce is very stressful on kids and he is probably really confused and missing his father loads. And that's natural! Listen to him, and pay attention to signs that he may have things on his mind or is troubled by something. Ask him how he feels about everything, and try to explain why you need him to do the things you ask him to. I know it must be so frustrating sometimes. He's not angry at you, and he isn't deliberately trying to upset you or hurt you, he may be hurting himself and may not even understand why so he acts out.
Anyway, sorry for the huge response! I hope you find some peace with this soon, you sound like such a strong person...hang in there and keep giving it everything you've got! Things are going to get better
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Oh I feel for you as this is a hard situation. As others said, in time your kids will understand the situation and will be so proud they had a mom like you. I think what your going through is very "typical" of divorced parents...it can become competitive because of the guilt each feels and/or the need to outdo the other. My AH will bring a mountain of toys over for our kids when he comes to see them. My 3 year old thinks he's amazing and such a great dad. I just bite my tongue and say your daddy loves you so much. I think kids tend to respect their enforcers more and they deep down like the structure in their lives. Keep doing what you are doing because you have their best interest in mind and he definitely doesn't. One day your kids will see you for the super mom that you are! XX
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