need to share

Old 07-13-2016, 01:36 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
need to share

So, I've been here reading off and on lately when I have a chance but haven't posted in a bit. Things spiraled out of control, and I'm trying desperately to keep my head above water. My dad has been sick off and on for a few months now. But a little over a month ago he ended up in intensive care and no one thought he'd make it. He's still fighting a hard battle and is still in critical but stable condition. Ok my ABF started out being so supportive and about 3 weeks in I come home to find him messed up. This time I finally realized there are more important things in life than exhausting myself to fix an unfixable situation. I continued on doing my thing and trying to support my mom and be there for dad. I'm catching hell one minute because I have meds that he "needs" and I don't believe his pain is real. The next minute I'm getting poetic speeches professing his love for me. I'm not ready to leave, but I'm getting closer. I'm making progress even though it's so slow. For example, I told him if he can't leave my medicine alone that I would need to leave (didn't mean permanently although I probably should). His response "why? So I have to get more pills to deal with the loneliness? That's how I handle these things." Wtf? In the past after a comment like that I would shut it down and comply with whatever just so he wouldn't hurt himself (after all it'd be my faulf). Tonight though I just shook my head in sadness that such a smart man can act so stupid. The thought is still there that we won't make it. I guess with everything else in my life going on, I don't feel like I should make a huge life decision now. Right now I'm doing my best to be less wrapped up in him and what he's doing and focus on me and what I've got going on. I am feeling really alone and wanted to share, though I'm not sure there was much point to this post. If you made it this far thanks for reading!
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 07-13-2016, 05:40 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope778's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hi Dusty -

Detaching, for me, and I am sure for many people here, was a long process. I am still in the process.... It is absolutely no over night occurrence. I believe it is because it truthfully is unnatural. I married my AH, gave my all to him, two became one, planned to be with him until the day I die, and now I am expected to detach completely from him?? One must become two again? Just doesn't seem right. It sounds like that is what you are experiencing. A lot of emotions come along with detachment. For me, grief and loneliness were two of the main. While I was realizing I was detaching I was also coming to terms with how real the possibility of our future not being an option any more really was.


Right now I'm doing my best to be less wrapped up in him and what he's doing and focus on me and what I've got going on.


You are going through a lot outside of his addiction. Aside from their addiction we have our own life happenings and our own struggles which we cannot push to the side. Please take care of you. After all, you are truly the only person you can take care of. You cannot take care of his addiction for him or his internal battles. I think you are realizing that...
hope778 is offline  
Old 07-13-2016, 06:47 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
If his pain was legit, the doctor would prescribe him painkillers. Strong narcotics aren't meant just for mediocre pain or emotional pain (although I used them that way as well, and found out they actually do more damage than good - who'd a thunk it?)

He's playing the blame game so well, from what I read, that even he is buying his own bullcrap. What raises a red flag is how he turned your concern about him touching your medicine, into a "woe is me" production - this says it's all about him.

"When the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, change will come" - your boyfriend won't change as long as you keep giving him your medication. While giving into his demands is easier in the short term, it's destructive in the long-term, and you're enabling him. I played the 'woe is me' act with my mom who gets a prescription, and I'm pretty sure I whined about every ache imaginable - hangover headaches, my recovered broken ankle which would continue to hurt for forever, etc. She would complain about giving it to me, but she'd still give in. I took advantage of that fact until I entered recovery.

Prayers for your Dad - I hope he gets better soon.
PlasticInsanity is offline  
Old 07-13-2016, 06:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. That is a very manipulative statement.

And...if that is how he handles things, he needs to learn some new coping skills.

I know you are more intelligent to fall for such a line!

Hugs to you!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 07-13-2016, 05:26 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Right now I'm doing my best to be less wrapped up in him and what he's doing and focus on me and what I've got going on.
When my mom got sick, my sister went on the warpath. She was angry at me for so many things it would take me hours to go through it all. To make things even more exciting, her pothead boyfriend started harassing us about getting him a job. So "My mom has cancer" leads to "Please get me a job." Just like with your ABF - "My dad is in the hospital" leads to "I need more pills."

I realized two things about my sister: 1) she expected me to continue being her spokeswoman because she was too afraid to talk to my mom herself 2) that her behavior meant that the family conversations continued to be about HER instead of my mom, who was the one who needed the most attention at that moment.

So now I ask myself - who will get the most value from my help? My energy is better spent getting my mom the assistance she needs, asking questions of her doctors, making sure that my dad has somebody to talk to. Paying attention to my sister and her latest list of demands gets nobody nowhere. It may keep her quiet for a wee bit but then the whole rigmarole starts up again with no end in sight.

I guess with everything else in my life going on, I don't feel like I should make a huge life decision now.
Sometimes life events ARE the catalyst for change.

When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, my husband was there for me. He did the housekeeping. He washed the dishes. He cooked meals. He made sure that our kid did his homework. He listened to me for hours as I cried about the latest prognosis. He made sure that I PUT MYSELF FIRST while all this was going on, because the rest of my family already needed so much of me. And he did this for a year, not 3 weeks. Does your ABF do that for you?

I know I might be sounding harsh. But your situation sounds so similar to mine. I was in a relationship with somebody for three years and I wanted to marry him so badly that I ignored the signs that he was cheating on me. My two best friends were already married with kids and I was still single and felt like a freak. And I was heartbroken when HE was the one who called it off. I literally wanted to die.

But in reality, that day was the beginning of a new life. I made some dumb mistakes here and there, but I no longer held myself back from my own dreams. And almost two years later, I met my future husband.

I still shudder when I think of how willing I was to settle for less. Much, much less.
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 07-14-2016, 12:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When my mother died, my son's girlfriend called me to make sure I took him to the funeral because she was about to throw him out and wanted a couple of days to change her locks...I couldn't make something that cold up.

It took something that obviously bizarre for me to see how crazy my life had become. It took that for me to finally stand up to her and him and put my mother's needs first.

I think your ABF has shown you clearly how selfish he is.

It's time to make a plan to take care of yourself, and your parents if they need it.

There comes a time when the insanity we call our life needs to go. It is when we finally get the clarity to see how bad things really are that we need to change, ourselves and our lives, and begin our journey out of the madness and into the serenity and peace of recovery.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 07-14-2016, 12:41 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hopefully you have YOUR meds in a safe place ABF can't get to.....also be VERY careful of giving him access to your dad.....he's probably on some heavy duty meds - do NOT put it past your ABF to try and get his hands on some.

when my husband's dad passed away, his brother was staying at the parent's home, SUPPOSEDLY helping their mom out. NAH, he was just helping himself to the leftover fentanyl and other meds as if his dad had left them to him in his will.

right now your focus is correct. your parents need you.....i really hope you dad stays stable and continues to recover. life is precious and all too short. do not waste one minute of the time you have NOW to be with your mom and dad.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 07-15-2016, 12:12 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by hope778 View Post
Hi Dusty -

Detaching, for me, and I am sure for many people here, was a long process. I am still in the process.... It is absolutely no over night occurrence. I believe it is because it truthfully is unnatural. I married my AH, gave my all to him, two became one, planned to be with him until the day I die, and now I am expected to detach completely from him?? One must become two again? Just doesn't seem right. It sounds like that is what you are experiencing. A lot of emotions come along with detachment. For me, grief and loneliness were two of the main. While I was realizing I was detaching I was also coming to terms with how real the possibility of our future not being an option any more really was.
You're exactly right about that! Anger and grief are the primary emotions I'm dealing with right now (regarding our relationship anyhow). Even though I know this is all real, sometimes I have a feeling of absolute disbelief that after 5+ years of sharing our lives with one another and with plans to marry and start a family, that we ended up here. At what feels like a dead end. Any advice for coping with all of the changing emotions? I vary quite a bit and pretty quickly, and I find it quite confusing at times.
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 07-15-2016, 12:27 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by PlasticInsanity View Post
If his pain was legit, the doctor would prescribe him painkillers. Strong narcotics aren't meant just for mediocre pain or emotional pain (although I used them that way as well, and found out they actually do more damage than good - who'd a thunk it?)

He's playing the blame game so well, from what I read, that even he is buying his own bullcrap. What raises a red flag is how he turned your concern about him touching your medicine, into a "woe is me" production - this says it's all about him.

"When the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same, change will come" - your boyfriend won't change as long as you keep giving him your medication. While giving into his demands is easier in the short term, it's destructive in the long-term, and you're enabling him. I played the 'woe is me' act with my mom who gets a prescription, and I'm pretty sure I whined about every ache imaginable - hangover headaches, my recovered broken ankle which would continue to hurt for forever, etc. She would complain about giving it to me, but she'd still give in. I took advantage of that fact until I entered recovery.

Prayers for your Dad - I hope he gets better soon.
Thank you for replying. It's nice to hear a different perspective! He is definitely playing me, and I know it. Since the night I told him I'd leave if he touched them he has left them alone. But unfortunately he hasn't left me alone. I finally found that headphones are quite effective for the times he practically begs for my medication. He does have real issues with his spine and I know he hurts. He has his own meds, but has been blowing through them in a week or less.
When your mom would hesitate to give them to you did you think she was being mean and trying to mistreat you? I just ask because that's the line of crap I hear when I say no. Then I start to wonder if he really thinks that, and I start to feel some guilt. I'm better than I was but I'm still working on not worrying about making everyone else happy, but it's really hard!
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 07-15-2016, 12:34 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Wow. That is a very manipulative statement.
Hugs to you!
He hasn't always been like this, and it sickens me that he says things like that to me and his intent is actually to HURT and control me. Who does that? What gappened to the man i fell in love with? But this is also the guy who one time blamed his desire to use on me because I accused him of snorting klonopin. He claimed there was no point in staying sober if I was gonna accuse him of it anyway.
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 07-15-2016, 04:46 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As long as he blames you, he avoids taking responsibility for himself and his actions.

Addiction does that to people we love, it steals their soul and turns them into strangers.

hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 07-15-2016, 10:30 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
*Any advice for coping with all of the changing emotions? I vary quite a bit and pretty quickly, and I find it quite confusing at times.*
I think your best bet is to give yourself permission that it's ok to feel however you feel right at that moment, even if its two opposite emotions at the same time. Grief (and I agree this is a form of it) has it's own time table. I got married very young and it lasted 13 plus years before he was cheating and beating on me, it took about 4 years after I got out, before I became angry. Very very angry. I thought at that point I should be over it. The anger probably lasted a good year. It has it's own timetable and that's ok. You have a right to feel EVERYthing that you feel. It will smooth out. It does get better. Keep on the path
Sephra is offline  
Old 01-02-2017, 03:35 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
changes all around

I avoided this place, not because things got worse with my abf, but because dad didn't make it. He fought so so hard. I've found that I have a terrible time believing it and especially saying it. Last time I was here, I was feeling like things were coming to a close with abf. To be perfectly honest right now, I don't know what's gonna happen. I just know I'm trying to drag myself through this (major Daddy's girl!), and in the meantime it's kind of just clicked into place for me. I'm not trying to control what he does and doesn't do. I'm not overly wrapped up in his every move. I dont have yhe energu or strength to deal witb losing fad and abf's s***! That's not to say I suddenly got it right! I've got a long ways to go, but I have realized what a waste of time it is engaging in the madness. Since I backed off, he got really quiet and somewhat withdrawn. By the time I realized it he came to me to talk. He said he couldn't handle living this way. He said when I didn't try to fight with him and whatnot that he didn't think I cared and he figured he was the only one left who was going to care for him. I kinda shrugged it off thinking it was bs despite the fact that he seemed sincere. Anyhow, he asked me to take him into town in 3 days for a dr appointment (only have 1 car). So he has started back to counseling and going to meetings. I hope this is the time it sticks, but I also hope I figure things out too.
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 01-02-2017, 04:09 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm so sorry DustyDreams for your loss. It must have been so hard to write that first sentence.

I wish you clarity and strength in the times ahead.
PuzzledHeart is offline  
Old 01-03-2017, 08:51 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
I'm so sorry DustyDreams for your loss. It must have been so hard to write that first sentence.

I wish you clarity and strength in the times ahead.
Thank you. It is by far the hardest thing I've ever went through.
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 01-03-2017, 09:11 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope778's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
I'm sorry, DustyDreams, for your loss. I pray you experience peace and growth through this very difficult time. You sound like you are letting abf make his own decisions now, which is very good! The tough part is we cannot control their decisions or the outcome- only what we choose to do with them.

Praying for you during this heartbreaking time.
hope778 is offline  
Old 01-04-2017, 08:33 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by hope778 View Post
I'm sorry, DustyDreams, for your loss. I pray you experience peace and growth through this very difficult time. You sound like you are letting abf make his own decisions now, which is very good! The tough part is we cannot control their decisions or the outcome- only what we choose to do with them.

Praying for you during this heartbreaking time.
Thanks hope! Having support and prayers makes me feel less alone. I'm trying so hard to back off and let everything just happen. Having no control over things is terribly upsetting for me. Especially after having to watch my dad fight off and on all year long.
DustyDreams is offline  
Old 01-04-2017, 09:53 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
PhoenixJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,512
Prayers
PhoenixJ is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:48 AM.