Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Reload this Page >

Post-rehab heartbreak. Significant other left me and I am left broken and confused



Post-rehab heartbreak. Significant other left me and I am left broken and confused

Old 07-12-2016, 03:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Post-rehab heartbreak. Significant other left me and I am left broken and confused

My significant other and I were together for 3 years and he lived with my 6 year old daughter and me. We were in a very serious relationship and had plans to build a life together. He hid his cocaine addiction very well and unfortunately I just learned of it over the past couple of months. Discovering this really did explain a lot of things as far as where our arguments stemmed from.
When we did argue, it was because I was catching him being dishonest with me, or because I was just wanting more attention from him. I sensed something was up but I didn't think drugs and alcohol were the issue (I have no prior experience with this).
So his addiction finally came to light and I brought it to his mom's attention. She picked him up that day and said he was going to be staying with her and his dad. He agreed that he needed treatment and he was more than willing to go. It was a 21-day program at this facility. I was very supportive to him during this time. Heartbroken--but stayed positive nonetheless. I told him how much I wanted to be there for him and to see him get through this. We were in this together. I told him I would stay by his side during this difficult time. He repeatedly told me how much he loved my daughter and me. He was so set on doing this for himself and for our family and was very excited to take the first step towards recovery. Every day up until he left he never quit telling me how much he loved me and how he was so grateful to have someone like me in his life. My daughter and I were the center of everything to him. (or so we thought)
I remained supportive for as long as I could but I had some rough days as well. His mom encouraged me to be open and honest with him and she told me not to "baby" him. She encouraged me to get tough on him so that he could deal with it while in rehab and I took the advice and shared my feelings with him over the phone. Long story short, it backfired and did NO good whatsoever. He still managed an "I love you" at the end of the conversation but I didn't hear from him for the remaining of his stay. I wrote him a letter while he was there and I apologized and told him I loved him and supported him.
When he finally got out I heard from no one and his family was acting weird and I felt like I was being pushed out. When I was finally able to talk to him, he was very distant. I didn't want to be too pushy so I tried to be more of a friend than anything. I was trying really hard to be understanding and patient.
He told me that he was going to go away for the weekend with his family and that he would return on Sunday. When Sunday came around, I received a phone call from a friend of mine that spotted him with another woman.
He had never left for the weekend... I was absolutely shocked, blindsided, and devastated.
When I confronted him about it, he admitted he had met someone in rehab but she was "just a friend". He then admitted that he was attracted to her. During this conversation, he was very short with me, cold and mean. He pointed the finger at me. This was a side of him that I had NEVER seen before in my life. The man I knew was very tender hearted and loving and caring. He just flat out told me he didn't love me anymore and that he needed to do this for his life. He said "this was his new life." His new rehab friends were waiting for him inside to go to the lake (including the new rehab romance) and he told me "I never knew him when he was sober." (which is actually a lie. I've known him since we were in the 7th grade. We're almost 30 now.)
I am left feeling SO confused, heartbroken, betrayed, and completely devastated. Our relationship was so strong and we loved each other SO much and I was there for him from the beginning of all this. We went from talking marriage, having kids, and then it's all ripped away in a matter of days? I am in a state of deep depression, and I have major anxiety and I'm trying hard to finish the last of my schooling and pull it together for my daughter. It's so hard not being able to understand it. I get really generic responses from some friends like "just move on, it's his loss.""he's not worth it" but it's not that easy. He is/was worth it. I feel like I just lost my best friend/partner without any warning and I'm having the hardest time ever. Any thoughts on this are deeply appreciated.
kjx88 is offline  
Old 07-12-2016, 03:58 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry this has happened to you...please understand that it had nothing to do with your sharing what your honest feelings are and everything to do with addiction. Rehab romances are a dime a dozen and usually just serve as a new "drug" until they implode...but they distract the addicts nicely and help him/her keep up the delusion that their addiction was because of their previous relationship and it will be different this time.

Please understand that this is just another way of avoiding real recovery for him and that he will most likely relapse as a result. Nothing you can do about that and there certainly will be no convincing him, because talking to an active addict is a waste of air.

So, I'm so sorry, but here's another cliche...move on with your life. There is nothing to be had there but more heartache and hanging on will only keep you trapped.

Have you checked out Al-Anon or the NA equivalent?

Sending you a hug.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 07-12-2016, 04:25 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for responding to me. Your input is so appreciated and it helps me to try to understand this a little bit. You're right though. I have been feeling guilty and playing the "what if" game with myself. I instantly regretted saying anything at all to him while he was in rehab. I never realized how much the mind is altered in the addict. He did tell me about learning that our relationship was "no good and toxic." He painted this picture like our relationship was something horrible...almost to make himself feel better for walking away. Of course I couldn't disagree with him more about that. I don't feel that way at all. He's only been out of rehab for a week but I get the feeling he thinks he has life all figured out now. I don't even know this person anymore and it breaks my heart. So far, I've checked out one Al-Anon meeting and it was okay. I'm thinking I may need to attend other meetings before I decide whether or not they're for me. I should really give them an honest chance. In the meantime, I am trying my hardest to pick up the pieces.
kjx88 is offline  
Old 07-12-2016, 04:42 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You might want to read several of the other posts on the Friends and Family forum...you'll see that this is pretty typical and being blindsided by a rehab romance happens all too often.

Sometimes it helps to know that other people have experienced this, too...mostly because it helps us see that this is part and parcel of addictive behavior and there is very little anyone who loves an addict can do but learn to detach and save ourselves.

I'd give Alanon a few more chances, yes?

It's going to be okay, just give it time and you can heal and move on.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 07-12-2016, 05:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Aries, said it well, and sadly, this is not uncommon and most times leads to relapse and more pain. For him, it's fresh and new and like his drug...easier to do than to make amends to those he hurt before.

That's the kind of thinking that will bring him down and it's why they recommend no new relationships for the first year.

I am sorry your heart is broken. For your own sake and that of your child, please keep going with school and working your own recovery through whatever program you choose.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 07-12-2016, 10:31 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it. I'm so glad I am able to share my story with others who understand these types of situations. I am 3 weeks away from finishing my school program in surgical technology.
Another thing...I thought "making amends" was a part of the 12 step program? And isn't honesty apart of the recovery process too? Isn't that what they teach in rehab? I understand it doesn't all happen overnight but I am still holding on to so much anger. I feel completely forgotten in this process. His family got to do counseling together as a part of the program but I was the one who lived it and saw it first hand when things got bad. I was with him 90% of the time. I have lots of unresolved issues of my own because of his addiction. He and his mother have me blocked on social media now. It kind of hurts and I'm really not sure why because I've left them alone but it is what it is.
...I just keep repeating to myself "don't let this consume you. don't let this consume you." maybe if I say it enough, it'll come true.
I will say one thing though...I am SO glad I found this support forum!
kjx88 is offline  
Old 07-19-2016, 11:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Miami Florida
Posts: 4
I'm sorry to hear that you are in such deep pain and I can assure you that many of us here know exactly what you are going through. I am new to this forum too and I just started going to Al-anon. I have only been to 3 meetings and Ive been a mess crying and stuff at all of them, however I really really recommend that you go for YOUR recovery. Addicts will use the people around them while in active addiction to facilitate their situation and be able to use... I hate to say it but they can be so sweet, and know exactly how to make you melt just so that they get what they need in order to use. My boyfriend went to rehab and although we are still together I can see a huge difference in the way that he acts with me now ( he is due to get out next week). When he was on drugs he was basically "numb" so he was so sweet and nice to me all the time because things didn't affect him like they do now also he needed me to keep his drug addiction afloat. Now he has to actually feel... he's not high, he's not always happy and loving like he was when he was on heroin, he doesn't tell me that he loves me as often as he used to before and the list goes on. You guys were close for many years and maybe honestly its best for you guys not to be together now that he is learning about his addiction and addictive personality & behavior and somewhat trying to change. Go to an Al-anon meeting. Continue your school for you and your daughter. Focus on your healing and your needs, you have worried about his long enough! Realize that no matter how much you cry... reach out to him or do... he's gonna do whatever he wants ( as is the case with all addicts) and you are powerless over him but you have power over yourself! Reality is if you read posts on here and see what some people have gone through with their addict you much better off without him anyway.
lunaxo is offline  
Old 07-26-2016, 09:59 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you. I'm slowly starting to realize some things and heal but it's still very hard for me to let it go. The other day I was out driving in the middle of nowhere (it was one of my better days) because I had taken a wrong turn somewhere and while at a stop sign I see someone coming my way...who do you think it was? It was him. We were the only two people out there on the road. I couldn't believe it. Unfortunately I just had to turn my head and let him pass by. Sad that we just have to be strangers now. A few days later, I find out he moved back to the big city 100+ miles away to work on getting his career together. I wish him nothing but the best. I hope he gets healthy. It's just so hard to let go of what we started together. I'm still struggling with that because I feel a huge void in my heart.
kjx88 is offline  
Old 07-26-2016, 11:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kjx.......I thought I would mention something to you about "rehab romances"......not that it will make any overall difference for you...But, I thought you might find it interesting factoids....lol....

Rehab affords so many ingredients for the "perfect storm" of sprouting fledgling romances and attractions.....
Some, who have researched the biology of attraction have proposed that the basics are---1. A stranger (newness is attractive)....2. Sharing mutual vulnerabilities and intimacies with each other for 30 minutes or more.....
3. staring of 4 minutes into each others eyes (without talking).......

In rehab, you have a group of hurting and needy strangers....with their feel good drugs taken away.....and, almost always with the backdrop of relationships that have become very racked with conflicts .....
Then....they spend most of the time sharing their feelings and personal intimacies with each other....

On top of that....consider this----as soon as there is a spark of attraction (male/female type)....the system is flooded with hormones...a whole cascade of them. Hormones are the most powerful substances in the human body!!
The list is--adrenalin, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, testosterone and estrogen.....
The body (and mind) are flooded with the new FEEL GOOD DRUGS...just when the usual ones...alcohol, cocaine, etc., are taken away!!!
"Love" hormones are the natural way that a person is high on drugs!
The natural high that a person in on, in early attraction, is a major feel-good state of mind.

So, kjx....this is not so much about what you did wrong..as it is what was/is going on with him. Don't beat up on yourself, too much.

By the way...there is a good chance (statistically, speaking)....that he will pop up again ...when he comes down off the pink cloud.....so, don't be surprised.....

I fully appreciate the heartbreak and the pain of grieving that you surely are going through......

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 07-27-2016, 01:45 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I'm late in responding to this.

When I confronted him about it, he admitted he had met someone in rehab but she was "just a friend". He then admitted that he was attracted to her. During this conversation, he was very short with me, cold and mean. He pointed the finger at me. This was a side of him that I had NEVER seen before in my life. The man I knew was very tender hearted and loving and caring. He just flat out told me he didn't love me anymore and that he needed to do this for his life. He said "this was his new life." His new rehab friends were waiting for him inside to go to the lake (including the new rehab romance) and he told me "I never knew him when he was sober." (which is actually a lie. I've known him since we were in the 7th grade. We're almost 30 now.)
I know a thing or two about this topic, and I'd like to share what I've learned.

When two people meet in a rehab setting, they tend to form a intimate bond very quickly over shared experiences. And because that bond is formed so quickly, there's really nothing underneath their feet. In the moment, however, that doesn't matter to either of them. They understand each other, and once the chemical rush of something like that happens in the brain, the addict, being an addict, is going indulge that feeling.

In other words, it's easier for addicts to deal with each other on a superficial and/or sexual level than it is to deal with other people who expect the addict to behave like a responsible adult. But what happens when someone expects the addict to be accountable? Simple: the addict can't do it.

Whatever your ex is doing right now with the new girl, I can assure you at some point down the road, it's going to blow up. And the reason is it's because neither of them are doing what they should be doing: working on themselves, getting honest with themselves, learning how to cope without their consciousness being in an altered state, etc. Sick attracts sick. Once one of them expects the other to be a responsible, accountable adult in a romantic partnership, it's over.

As for you, I'm sorry this has happened, and I'm sorry this has made you come to us in pain. But I'm decidedly not sorry he's gone, and that's because he's given you a pair of gifts. The first: he's shown you his true self. The second: he's given you your freedom. As one of our more esteemed members Ann would call it, this is a strangely wrapped gift.

So what do you want to do with it?

Welcome to the Board. Stay around. You're amongst friends.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 07-28-2016, 02:27 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
teatreeoil007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Like someone already pointed out: Rehab romances are a dime a dozen.

BUT: That probably does not make you feel any better! [at this moment in time]

You still hurt. And maybe nothing anyone says can stop the hurt right now. It just hurts. PERIOD.

Rejection hurts.

Abandonment hurts.

Loss hurts.

It just hurts. He went off to rehab and he changed alright, but not in the way you had hoped. We know what it feels like, but that may still not make you feel better right now. I can encourage you with HOPE...that over TIME...the hurt will become less...and your wounds will heal...but it does take time.

His new romance is simply making him feel better right now. He got caught doing drugs. He is a 30 year old man who had revealed that he is very immature and had to move back with Mommy and Daddy.... HIS ego was very bruised...he had to go to rehab, which probably made him feel like a FAILURE...she is massaging his ego and making him not feel so bad...IN the meantime, it's very convenient for him to put as much blame somewhere else as much as possible...sooooo.....he will put some blame on you....but it is so not your fault!! So do not "take on" that blame. You don't deserve it and you sure don't need it.

You've got to put yourself first and treat yourself very very good right now. You deserve the absolute best, so don't settle for anything less. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel bad, okay?
teatreeoil007 is offline  
Old 08-05-2016, 11:07 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for the support everyone. Reading what everyone has to say truly helps me heal. I can't thank you enough..
kjx88 is offline  
Old 08-05-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sendng you a hug.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 08-05-2016, 01:25 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Not to say just a cliché’ but one day you will look back on this and see it as a blessing that this relationship did not work out. Life with an addict is anything but “happily ever after”.

You and your daughter deserve so much more.
atalose is offline  
Old 08-27-2016, 10:11 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 6
Hi KJX,

Im new to this forum and this is my first post. Your situation caught my attention because I suspect I could be in a similar position. First off let me start by saying that I am truly sorry for the pain that you have endured. It sucks, there is no other way to say it. Especially when you feel like the innocent victim brought on by actions of the addict.

In my situation, my wife is a recovering opiate addict. We've been together for 10 years and married almost 4 this September. Im 34 and she's 33. She's just passed her 9 month sobriety recently and she's doing great in recovery thus far. When her addiction came to light 9 months ago it was the biggest kick in the nuts to me. She was fired from her nursing job for diverting wasted medication. Naturally she was a wreck when it happened for several weeks. Very apologetic to me, emotionally needy, asking me not to leave her which I never intended to do. I told her this repeatedly. Im not a cryer but I did a few times that weekend and since. To her credit she got into therapy and NA quickly, as well as finding a new job (for much less money). Fast forward 9 months and our relationship is at the lowest point its ever been. I am not a part of her recovery (her choice though its not really talked about Ive just never been included, and Ive tried.) She spends a great deal of time with her friends from NA. I've never met them or her sponsor. She is gone 4-5 nights a week it seems. This is the cause of my suffering in the relationship. She never went to an inpatient rehab but my gut tells me that she has romantic feelings for someone other than myself and has possibly acted on those feelings. I have no proof, just my gut. She denies it of course. A few weeks ago she went camping with these NA folks specifically to get away from me! That was a tough 3 days for me.

We are in marriage counseling now. Her idea from months ago. Im glad we did go and pissed at myself for waiting so long. In counseling she revealed that she "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore." We have "no connection" like we used to as she put it. She has no reasons for why that is. This fuels my thoughts of infidelity. My reasoning is because she has more or less moved on without me and our marriage is the thing she spends the least amount of time on. Our work schedules are opposite so naturally we don't have a lot of time available and thats not her fault but I still resent her slightly for not wanting to share the little time we have together. Im going to a day shift in 3 weeks so we'll see how that affects things. I want to be part of her recovery but I can't force that on her as I'm learning. She mentioned in counseling that she isn't sure if she associates me with her period of using. As long as I've known her she always smoked weed and was taking some kind of prescribed pill (xanax,celexa,) or Ibuprofen etc. It concerned me back then and I let her know it many times but it didn't click in my head that she was an addict. For that Im mad at myself. Im not a drug user or alcohol abuser though I drink socially (less these days). I stopped smoking weed shortly after we met a decade ago.

Our life right now is that of roommates. We still have sex occasionally but its very forced and barely enjoyable. We have no children (thankfully in retrospect), but we tried for 3 years. To me that almost seems like divine intervention. That sounds bad as I read it but it is what it is. Ive read that the first year of sobriety is the most confusing/difficult for the addict and that no major changes should really occur so Im rolling with that for now. I hope her feelings about me improve but I know now that I have no control over that. I can only be me and try to be the best me Ive ever been. I feel like Im starting my life over really.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I couldn't stop writing once I started. You sound like a great person and are stronger than you might know. Congrats on your schooling and being a great parent. Better days are ahead for you. I'm certain of that. If you ever want to chat, I'll be checking this site regularly so feel free to drop me a line. Peace!

Chris
powersk8tr is offline  
Old 08-28-2016, 01:29 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: England
Posts: 37
I know it's a post from a few weeks ago but I wonder OP if you are still here, how are you feeling now? I am just coming to terms with the fact that my relationship of a few years was just a drug induced fairytale on his part. Real to me but fake to him. It's a sad thought but when we were first together I thought it was too good to be true. Infact I said that to my friend. We all know how the saying goes...

Anyway sending love, and to you Chris too. In life look after number one, no one else will. Sometimes we really just have to let go of these emotional vampires. Learn to be happy with ourselves first. Accept things are as they are and just go and let them play out how they are going to do.

IC.
Indigochild is offline  
Old 08-29-2016, 09:31 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
I am so glad I logged on today and read your story Chris. And thank you for reaching out Indigochild. I know how it is to feel like the person you love the most is slowly slipping away from you. It's the most dreaded and painful feeling ever. I truly appreciate you sharing that with me because I can truly relate to those details like the camping trip away with the new friends. Unfortunately, your gut feeling could very well be right as far as infidelity. I'm learning that it's just typical addict behavior. My significant other shared the very same behavioral traits towards the end there. Just reading everything you wrote I was nodding in agreement because I know where you're coming from. He's all about this amazing new take on life and it's made me feel like even though I tried to go above and beyond to be as supportive as possible, I still wasn't good enough. My love for this man just wasn't enough. I asked him when he got out of rehab if he felt like our relationship was just a sham from the very beginning and he said no that it was real but who knows if that's even true.
I logged on today because today has just been one of those tough days for me. I've had some good days yes, but he still occupies a large part of my brain/heart. I constantly think about him even though I try really hard not to. Today was my first day at my amazing new job at the hospital and it's now the evening and time to wind down and it just snuck up on me. That quiet, lonely silence filled my house and it makes me miss him terribly. I do have friends to call up but none of them can really relate to anything I've been through so it makes it a little hard (that's why I love this forum so much. People just understand on here.).
He was my person to go to and talk about my day. My go-to absolute best friend that made everything right in the world and I lost that. It still hurts and I wonder if I'll ever get past these feelings that I still have for him. I am doing my best to not reach out. It's been two months now and I still haven't talked to him since that day. I am doing everything in my power to stay strong and to focus on me and my little girl but unfortunately that darkness and void is still very much there for me. I secretly have this little part of me that hopes he'll miraculously snap out of it but I know it won't happen.
kjx88 is offline  
Old 08-29-2016, 10:57 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 6
Thanks for replying to my story KJX. Im glad your new job is going well and that should help take your mind off things for a bit. I went out with my buddies the night I posted on this thread and I had a great time. It helped get my mind off things for several hours which I needed. Maybe you would also find comfort being around friends and trying to meet someone new. Easier said than done I realize. But I know it helped me when we temporarily broke up several years ago.

Yesterday me and her spent some hours together in the evening at her parents house and things felt ok between us. Her parents have always liked me so perhaps that helped things. We talked briefly back at home last night before she nodded off. When I asked why she feels the way she does she gave me the "its not you its me" routine (remember that from Seinfeld? haha). She doesn't know why she feels disconnected but she just does. I asked if its because she has feelings for someone else and she said she doesn't (nice to hear if true). I have to remind myself that she has a disease and its affecting her brain chemistry.

I hope you find greater peace and serenity each day that passes.
powersk8tr is offline  
Old 03-13-2018, 02:35 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
Unhappy Broken Hearted

Hello KJX88,
I came across this thread doing a google search- your story is almost identical to mine! I joined just to connect with someone that could hopefully understand... I wish I could speak with you and hope you are still active on this forum, though I see you posted over a year ago...
I wonder how things are going for you now.?? I hope things have improved.
This is the absolute worst feeling ever and from what my obsessive research has shown, is a very common situation.
SpecialKay is offline  
Old 06-17-2018, 04:55 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 5
I'm here to chat

SpecialKay --- I'm brand new here today ... this is so hauntingly similar to where I'm at ... I had no idea it was so common for people to leave the person who loved/supported them once they get through rehab. I'm devastated right now. I'm heading out for a few hours but would love to chat if you are still around !! I didn't have enough posting history to send you a PM lol




"I came across this thread doing a google search- your story is almost identical to mine! I joined just to connect with someone that could hopefully understand... I wish I could speak with you and hope you are still active on this forum, though I see you posted over a year ago...
I wonder how things are going for you now.?? I hope things have improved.
This is the absolute worst feeling ever and from what my obsessive research has shown, is a very common situation. "
islandbarbie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:21 PM.