2 year update - Need some advice

Old 07-11-2016, 08:44 AM
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2 year update - Need some advice

It's been over 2 years since I've been back here to this forum. I used to post here now and then but I mainly read. It helped bring me serenity during my dark times. So here is a quick run down of my story:
I've been married 12 years. After 2 years of marriage my husband started drinking and became a RA. After dealing with it for 7 years (the usual, in and out of sobriety, in and out of rehab, etc) I finally filed for divorce. It was in December 2013.
I continued living my life, and about 3 months later, he finally got sober. He became a great dad to our two boys and became a great husband and really worked on himself. We worked on our marriage and I missed court dates and filings, and didn't proceed with the divorce. I finally got a notice that the case would be dismissed in December of this year. At that point I didn't care because we were very happy together.
Then, this weekend, we got in a fight. It was a silly fight. We were supposed to go away for a family wedding and he didn't want to go. I got mad that he didn't support my relationship with my family and I left without him. When I came back from the wedding the next day, he had been drinking and was on a binge. I became very angry. It had been so long that he had been sober, and I was so disappointed.

I had always promised myself that I wouldn't put myself through the hell I went through with him ever again. The divorce hasn't been dismissed and my plan is to go ahead and proceed with the papers I hadn't filed and proceed with the divorce. The problem is, that things aren't what they used to be. He has a great relationship with the kids now, and with me. I'm not actually living through "hell", so it's hard for me to proceed. When I came home yesterday, he didn't continue drinking like he used to. He stopped drinking after I came home. He actually went to work this morning. He says he will work to get sober again. He's done it before and I know relapses happen. Do I give him a chance again? I'm just so scared to go through it again.
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Old 07-11-2016, 09:16 AM
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sotired77...you didn't indicate whether, or not, he has been working a program during the sober time....or just stopped drinking....
The thing about alcoholism is that it is progressive...even while they are sober....
It is a l ifetime condition...and to KEEP it in remission requires the internal changes ...the changes from the inside out, that a program and the steps facilitate....

Do you know what you are willing to accept...? Do you know what it will take to walk.....?
do you know what a real program of sobriety looks like....besides not drinking?

I just suggest that you might ask yourself these questions.....

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Old 07-11-2016, 03:01 PM
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Thank you for your reply. I didn't think about it, but you're right, he wasn't following a program. He did it for about a year, but then life got in the way, and he stopped going to meetings and to his counselor. Obviously to maintain sobriety that can't happen because relapse is bound to occur eventually. I'm just so done with this. I think it's time to move on with my life. I don't want to go through this again. He'll have to find his own way. Unfortunately, when you have kids, you're forever tied to this person. Ugh! I'm leaving it in Gods hands, and will simply be the best mother to my boys that I can be.
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Old 07-11-2016, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by sotired77 View Post
I'm just so done with this. I think it's time to move on with my life. I don't want to go through this again.

Unfortunately, when you have kids, you're forever tied to this person. Ugh!
Only you know if you've reached your limit, but it sounds like you have. There doesn't have to be some epic betrayal that gives you permission to leave. There have been plenty of transgressions over the years.

What do YOU want for YOUR life? Your spouse is a "life partner." Can he help you accomplish what you want in your life.

As far as your children and the bond they create - Two people can successfully co-parent without being married. You can even be friendly when required to be around one another. A person in true recovery would likely be willing to do that.

My thoughts are with you in this difficult time.
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Old 07-12-2016, 03:38 AM
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If the divorce filing deadline was not pending, would you feel less pressured to make a decision?

Take your time and make the choice that is right for you and your children. Even if he gets sober and back into recovery, do you want to live with the fear of relapse? It's okay to choose a life that is right for you, either way.

Hugs out because this must be a very difficult time for you.
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Old 07-12-2016, 07:22 AM
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Once a week I sit in a room with other people who share about how alcohol is interfering with their own happiness. They share how they no longer ask for the drinkers to stop drinking, they share how they have detached from the alcoholic’s high and low tide attitudes. They share how THIS TIME the drinker is acting different isn’t stumbling or falling down or passing out at the dinner table. They share their own reasons on why they stay and they share their remorse about the life they wanted for their children but were unable to provide that because of the hurdle of alcoholism they all had to learn to jump over, crawl under and go around or avoid all together.

There are so many who all are going through “this time” and second, third, fourth, fifth, 10th, 15th changes.

They have adjusted to the cycle as alcohol continues to interfere with their life happiness and the talk is more like a prison sentence – just doing their time UNTIL????

No one can tell you what action to take, only you can figure out what you are willing to tolerate and for how long. Maybe you should set an internal clock for yourself and set a boundary like – I am going to give him 2 weeks, 30 days or 3 months – whatever you decide – to see if he actually does take positive action not just abstaining like he’s done before which only leads right back to him drinking. See if HE reaches out and goes to AA and actually begins to work the program or calls a counselor and actually goes to the sessions.

It’s always actions not just words.

Maybe this time is the time for YOU to do something different, get yourself involved in a program like al-anon, maybe seek counseling for yourself on this matter and keep posting.

Usually we stop seeking help when they stop drinking thinking the problem is over but it never is because alcoholism is a life long disease. A disease that progresses even when they are not drinking.
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Old 07-12-2016, 09:10 AM
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It seems like he gave himself permission to indulge when you and the kids are away. Like he gave himself a free pass. The fact that he isn't working a program, it's easy to see how someone can self talk themselves into drinking again. Most people do even if they don't have an addiction. I work out 6 days/week, eat a balanced diet for the most part but also give myself permission to have treats. But sometimes I over indulge, then feel bloated, gross, fat afterwards. Why did I have to eat the whole entire pizza? (Well it tasted so good and I couldn't stop at just one slice, or two and by 3 I was like f*** it, I'll deal with the consequences later). I get myself to the gym the next morning and do 3 hours straight. Things like this happen to the best of us. We are only human. The important thing is that he realizes his faults, understands the consequences of continuing and does something to prevent these slips from happening again (ie working a program).

The important thing for you to work on is having a plan. Understanding that there is a high probability of a slip-up and what will you do for yourself the next time a slip or a full-blown relapse occurs? A plan is important. Most times families are under impressions that "the addict needs to now stay sober forever" and if they don't, families will show disappointment, anger, resentment, emotional and mental abuse etc. But that's because we are all human and emotionally driven. You have put all your money on a gamble with the lower probability of winning. Understanding this is beneficial. Pop the fantasy bubble of a "happily ever after family dynamic". I tell myself this everyday. My AH is working a program, looking and behaving much better, is sober. But I never tell myself that this will last forever. If it does, that's excellent. If it doesn't, I'm prepared.
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Old 07-12-2016, 09:19 AM
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My AH did follow a program, at least outwardly - lots of therapy, active in AA, sponsor, etc etc. And he relapsed after 3 years and is currently on a bender. I'm filing for divorce after 5 years of being legally separated but hoping this will not happen again. We have a 6 y/o boy and he's a good dad when sober, but what good does that do if he can't stay sober.
Following or appearing to follow a program isn't enough. Relapses happen and will always be a risk. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.
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Old 07-12-2016, 12:19 PM
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Well..if this is how he is going to react when he gets mad and you actually do something for yourself, then I would proceed. If he is truly working a program, is willing to do the work on himself to make sure he does not continue to relapse, maybe hold off. None of us can tell you what to do without seeing for ourselves how genuine he is about his own recovery. Relapse is always a factor. It's always possible, even after years of sobriety. It depends on if you can live with that risk. For myself, it was too much to know we could go down that road again. I could not live with that sort of pain again.

Just my .02 friend. I am sorry this has happened. Hugs.
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