lunaxo

Well,

This will be my first post on here and really I'm not sure where to begin because I feel my heart is so heavy with emotion and questions and fear. I recently found out that my boyfriend of 2 years had a heroin addiction that he was keeping secret. It was very bad: he was stealing from all his loved ones including myself and pawning his own things. Lost a ton of weight, sharing needles... everything. He is now in a rehab center after I gave him no other option : I said he could no longer stay at my place and he needed to go to rehab if he ever wanted to hear from me again. Today he has been clean 30 days and he seems to be doing well... but I am not. Now that the adrenaline of getting him where he needed to be has gone away I dont know how to handle my own healing. I am left with my broken heart and all these unanswered questions and thinking about what I could have done differently....why this happened to me when I have been so good to him and to everyone. why is heroin more important than me. and how will I ever be able to trust this person again. It has been years since I prayed or went to church and I know that the 12 step is somewhat god based and I just cant seem to connect with it at this very moment of deep depression for me. Any words will be appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

Queenbee7

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Addiction is brutal. Loving someone in active addiction is awful and messy and brutal. I know this all to well. My husband loves crack and chose that over everything else.

It's good you put the boundary in place that you would not accept him in your life if he's on drugs. And so far clean 30 days. I wish him well.

Once the smoke clears and as you said the adrenaline settles a bit we are left with a clear view of the aftermath of someone else's addiction and the awful negative effects it had/has on us.. I hope you find peace and healing soon.

Hang in there. Take a deep breath and know that you can do this.
You deserve a calm, happy, love filled life...

sunny053

Hi Luna, I'm so sorry to read that you've had to experience this. It's a horribly painful thing to have to go through. You're probably having a huge range of thoughts and feelings right now. Once the initial realisation of a loved one's addiction has passed, we're often left feeling confused, angry and just plain heartbroken. The most important thing you need to understand, first and foremost, is that there was nothing you could have done differently to prevent what is happening. Your boyfriend has been battling a horrible addiction, and nothing you could have said, done, foreseen or realised differently would have changed or mitigated this. It makes it so much harder to get through and heal from tough relationships where addiction is involved if you have feelings of regret and self-blame. I think letting go of this and accepting that things are the way they are is a really important step in healing. You cannot control his addiction or his choices, but you can take control over your own life and start to find yourself again.

I understand being a bit unsure of the 12 step program if you don't feel as though you can commit to the religious aspect. I haven't utilised it for the same reason - I don't feel like I could connect with that part of it. There are many other ways to find support and begin to heal and work on yourself, depending on the kind of person you are and what helps you personally. Keep reading around SR and don't be afraid to seek support from as many people as you can - you will get through this. I wish you all the best, big hugs your way xx

53500

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? If "light" means, does your bf achieve long-term sobriety - no one knows. The odds are not that good, sadly, but they are by no means zero. That he's doing well in rehab and clean 30 days - that's good!

Don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done differently that would make any difference. His addiction is all about him and has nothing to do with you. It's great you enforced the boundary of not letting him live with you while using and stealing from you. Please stay strong with that.

There are plenty of secular support programs for the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. Check out the links here on SR. And please, make taking care of YOU a priority no matter what your bf does and you'll start to feel better. Hugs to you..

atalose

I used to believe that the light at the end of tunnel was………

Him getting clean/sober

Him staying clean/sober

Him attending meetings

Him working the steps with his sponsor

Him not lying anymore

Him, him, him etc. etc.

The reality was YES there is a light at the end of tunnel……..it was with my choice not to have an addict in my life anymore……….the light is so clear, shiny, happy and calm.

lunaxo

I think its just a matter of me getting to the place where I feel like I've done all I could. As of now I feel his recovery is just beginning and my role as someone who loves him is to stay positive and be here for him. It is VERY hard, but today I am doing better. Luckily we have no children yet or anything else. Its just not easy.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO WROTE ON HERE, its helped me soooo much. This site is amazing.

AnvilheadII

I think its just a matter of me getting to the place where I feel like I've done all I could.

you could challenge that belief and ask WHY is it necessary for YOU to do all YOU can to help HIS recovery??? you don't have to answer that here, but just give it some thought......somewhere along the way you became responsible for his well being..........to the detriment of your own.

i understand having trouble with the GOD concept. it can also be thought of as a Power Greater. I tend think of it as the Life Force of the Universe.....the true natural order of things.....everything has a beginning and and an end.....a life cycle......

a couple weeks ago we watched a VERY dedicated robin pair collect bits of twigs and sticks and mud and cloth and fly into our hedge to build a nest for their babies. i think mama bird did most of the work, but papa bird always sat vigil nearby. she was relentless, back and forth, back and forth, all day, every day. no breaks, no time out for a head ache or a phone call.

now the process has changed, and they will sit with a worm in their beak up on our deck railing, make sure the coast is clear, then swoop into the bushes to feed the babies.

they didn't have to go to parenting classes or lamaze classes or nest building classes. i don't "speak" robin but i don't think they complained about the work, or the demands, or being tired of hearing the little ones peep. they just DO what robins do!!! i doubt i could build a proper nest with just my teeth and my toes. or that i could fight off Jays and Crows that are twice to three times my size that want to eat the eggs and not just fly away!!?

just for me that is an example of a Power Greater.....

Sunshine1234

Perfectly said!! I'm realizing I will only find happiness if he's not a part of my life. The light=ME and not HIM