Leaving a toxic relationship
 

Hi all, I'm new to this an accidentally posted this on the F&F of Alcoholics, but this is where I belong. Below is essentially my situation.

My partner and I have been together 4.5 years. He told me he had addiction issues about 4 months into the relationship, although I had no idea what that meant. I thought it was in the past, plus he attended AA religiously.

Well, a year and a half into our relationship my father died. Shortly after I found out he would go on weekend benders and had anonymous sex with any and everyone and using drugs, mostly meth. I rationalized the cheating to his drug use, and I was at such a low point in my life I felt I needed him.

Over the years it's been the same story - he's relapsed 4 or 5 times, both using and cheating. I stayed for so many reasons. I love him, I think he needs to sort his deep seeded issues out, he has mental health issues, etc. - but overall he's a great guy. At least I thought - he has a ph.D., plays at church on Sundays, has many friends, and everyone loves him. He treated me well, always doing things for me so I believed acts of service was his love language. I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my brain around how anyone can be so wonderful on the surface but every year or so he has a breakdown.

Fast forward to this past March and he relapsed again. I said hateful things, kicked him out, the usual. We maintained a friendly relationship because I still wanted to support him and we lived together. Then he entered rehab in May. Since we went to school together all of the profs and the Dean knew. I was so embarrassed, esp. since it was a few days before my graduation.

He got out of rehab, thought we could live together again since he was in recovery. Unfortunately, I have too much hurt, resentment and honestly hate in my heart, and because he's so fragile in recovery we decided he should move out again. Again, he moved in with a slightly older woman who's in AA.

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed now and don't know what to do. I know I should focus on myself. I've started attending al anon and have started to see how toxic my behavior was. I've stood by his side through everything. But now, he's just tossed me to the side like trash. I'm sure it's probably the best for both of us, but I still have fears. They say recovering addicts aren't supposed to make big changes and I feel guilty forcing him out, among a whole host of other feelings.

I'm also extremely angry because it seems that he's gotten a free ride. Went to a nice rehab for free, people gave him a nice amount of money to get back on his feet although he didn't need it, he has numerous prestigious job offers at the end of this month. Everyone came to his rescue, scooped him up and coddled him, as usual. How can he always pull the wool over the sheep's eyes?

Any words of encourage would be appreciated! Thanks for reading.

My words are to focus on YOU.

Stop feeling guilty for him. He should feel guilty for all he has done. What is happening is a consequence of his own actions. He has resources, he went to rehab.

As long as you keep the focus on him, you will have a very hard time moving forward yourself. I would also say no contact at all as there is really no point in that, it only hurts you more.

Read my signature, it's so true. The longer you keep packing around all this anger and resentment, the more it hurts one person, you.

Hugs. I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard.

I know what your going through. My husband is so charming , kind, funny etc. when he needs to be that everyone loves him.
My AH loves crack and after a two month jail stint. I eventually reconciled and stayed by his side. He was out of jail a week and about to go off to rehab when he relapsed and I kicked him out for good.

And let me tell you there was a line it seemed of women and friends just waiting to be able to enable my husband. I posted on this subject before. It is very disheartening to put out firm boundaries just to have them find 1000 enablers with not one boundary in place.

I also had to endure seeing one of the women my husband cheated on me with (he denies) and it haunted me for a while. Cheating for me is a absolute deal breaker. I'm sorry he cheated on you so much. That is unacceptable and you definitely deserve so much better. I do not believe just because you are an addict you cheat. My dad has been a alcoholic my whole life, but he is not a cheater. He is a one woman man. Using isn't an excuse to cheat.

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Focus on your exciting future that awaits you. You just graduated that's awesome!

What happens to our thinking and emotions when we are with some one in active addiction is tragic. Our thinking becomes distorted. You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty. It sounds like he had it a long time coming. His addiction is not your problem to sort out.

Save yourself

Safeguard your future

No contact with him at all what’s so ever from here on out. You need to treat him and this relationship like your own addiction and abstain.

Great guys don’t cheat! And the longer you continue to justify his unacceptable behaviors and treatment towards you the longer this toxic merry go round will continue.

I’m sure much of that anger is inward and you’ll discover that you are angry at yourself for staying, going back and tolerating unacceptable behaviors. To be angry at others for them not showing any consequences towards him is equal to yourself not showing him any consequences for cheating.

I think you have that all wrong, you put your trash out and someone else picked it up and brought it home. Be thankful for that, other wise that trash would be trying to stink up your home and life all over again.

Please don't punish yourself with guilt. You did your very best with none of his cooperation or meeting you half way. He's the man...he should be there and protect you! I'm going through something similar. I was in the process of leaving an abuser when he had a bad stroke and he was nice in the hospital to everyone but me......... and I found him laying in his apt. for 3 days... I saved his life!! His family hates me now but I'm done!! I'm taking care of myself now and going to finally enjoy my sobriety. You count and you are enough just the way you are!!! :)

Thank you everyone! I know all of this logically, but need it to resonate with me emotionally. I'm sure we all know how much of a struggle that is!

Hopeful - thank you for that. You are absolutely right that no contact is the way to go. It's just so hard to untangle this mess that's been created in my head. Unfortunately, it's not going to be complete no contact. We still have a lease together which he is taking over at the end of this month and most of his stuff is here. I'm also moving all my stuff out then, and so there's going to be overlap to sort our possessions. I hope those interactions won't be too painful.

Queenbee - Thank you for your words of support. Our situations do sound very similar, and I imagine emotionally they are. So frustrating how these people have done horrible things, yet they receive the most support and love while we're totally ignored by them, at least in my case. I don't think there's a romantic relationship with the woman he's living with, but either way it's not my business and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I've seen him a few times while he's been in recovery and he seems pretty miserable, sometimes hopeful, so I'm glad I don't have to put up with that emotional roller coaster. Especially when I'm dealing with my own.

Atalose - Wow, thank you for that perspective of me putting the trash out. That was extremely helpful to see it that way. I don't know why I don't have boundaries with him, never had that problem before. I think I just keep trying to rationalize his actions because I understand how much trauma he's been through in his life. However, you are right - regardless of that, he has no right to treat me the way he has and to continue to be so narcissistic while he's in recovery.

Oldsoul - Thank you for your words, guilt is absolutely not what I should be feeling. Your situation sounds incredibly painful, but I'm happy you'retaking care of yourself. I wish you the most love in your journey.