Nelly1

....I'm still dealing with my heroin addicted fiance. I have left, came back, left, came back a million times. I'm ashamed yet I'm not..... I struggle with this every day. I never know how to think about myself. Sometimes I sit in shock and think "wow".... Never in a million years did I think that I, a straight A college student with two degrees, almost finished with a masters degree in healthcare administration... A hardworking provider, go getter.... Has found myself living with a functional heroin addict.... I decided to post today for the first time In a while because last night was pretty bad. My fiancé is a veteran and since returning from Iraq freaks out whenever there are fireworks...... He was on naltrexone for a few months but decided it wasn't for him (made him sick).. It's funny I can't think of anything worse for the body than sticking a needle in your arm but a pill makes him "sick". He relapsed and then began working a suboxone program at the VA. He is supposedly taking them (and I think he is sometimes) but mostly not... I'm no fool. Been here before, know all the signs better than most doctors. Anyway. He freaked out last night in a PTSD rage and was just awful to me.... He was gone for hours with a known h user... And he Came back enraged. Not high though, pupils were huge.... I think enraged because he took sunoxone earlier and couldn't achieve his goal.... When I questioned him on his odd behavior he flipped the table, destroyed the house and threw pretty much every decoration we own at me.... I left and spent the night at his moms... I just don't know what to do anymore. None of my family talks to me anymore because I've gone to bat for him and his addiction and fought for him until no one would even entertain me anymore.... I feel so lonely.... And I have really no one. I'm scared and I just don't know what's next. I'm still a full time college student (even though I'm 27) and only working as a waitress (the deal was he'd pay all the bills while I finished my masters and unril I graduate this December..... Really I have nothing and no escape. No one to listen or cry to..... Just lonely and sad and hurt. Thanks for listening. Love to you all

zoso77

Nelly...

The following is not true:

You've been with us long enough to absorb the lessons of our members. So "what to do" is kicking around somewhere in your brain. And this --

-- is not only unacceptable behavior, it is confirmation that he will not change. So you know what you're dealing with. But you haven't given yourself permission to act on what you know to be true.

And here's the thing, Nelly: you don't need permission to do what's in your best interests. Given what you've described above, it's pretty clear what's in your best interests. The question is, why are you waiting to pull that trigger.

Sephra

I'm listening. And my heart hurts for you.
And I want you to know, If you decide to, you can do it alone, with out him. You might get lonely, or you might find new and healthier relationships.
A long time ago, I got out of my marriage and lost everything I'd spent decades building and became a single mom with no education, no family around, nothing. It was hard, but it was also safe and quiet and I got to make my own rules. There are trade offs to everything. And I knew I could trust myself, if no one else in this world. And I knew that there was no one throwing things at me anymore. It's been ages since then, and I've built myself a good life, better than I would have ever had with him. I was scared, couldn't see what was ahead, and so down, I didn't realize that what I couldn't see could be good, better even.
Just know that you aren't alone. I'm listening.

hopeful4

My heart just hurts for you. You are not stuck.

I encourage you to call the National DV Hotline. There is no commitment, they won't show up at your door. If nothing else, they can give you options for you to think about. This is a dangerous situation for you. The number is 800-799-7233.

I know it's hard to see someone you care about make such bad choices. I know all the thought process. However, you deserve happiness and peace in your own life.

Many, many hugs. Keep posting. You are not alone!

Sunshine1234

Nelly, I am so sorry also for what you are experiencing with your fiancé. I too am dealing with an addicted husband and I have relied so much on the amazing people here at SR for advice. The greatest lesson I have learned is to step back and let them deal with their addiction. In the beginning of our separation 3 months ago I gave him an ultimatum to go to detox and rehab or I was out. I continued to engage with him and allow him to belittle me and vent out all of his frustrations onto me. Looking back, I just wish I had left quietly and let him figure out is road and where he wanted to go. I wish I went no contact from the beginning so I didn't have to be a punching bag for him. You deserve better. It sounds like you are on a great track in your life with lots of great things ahead. Like someone else stated, even if you are alone at least you will have honesty surrounding you and you won't be subjected to such chaos.

teatreeoil007

Oh my nelly... I'm concerned for your safety...

Ann

I am listening too and am so sorry you are going through this.

You are in danger, serious life threatening danger, if you remain with him or if his mom lets him in there. You have seen just a little of how his brain works and are lucky to come out uninjured or worse.

To remain with a man this out of control is even more dangerous for you than it is for him to remain on heroin. To find your safe place you will have to make changes in your life, uncomfortable changes that were not what you dreamed of, but that very well may save your life.

He has choices, VA hospitals can help him, rehab can help him and the Salvation Army rehab is a very good program that is free. There is real help everywhere when and if he is ready. Leaving him does not put him in harms way, he's already there and has safe options, but it does leave you in harms way every moment you remain.

I agree, call a domestic violence hot line and make a plan. You deserve so much better than all this.

Sending hugs and hope that one day soon you will find your own good path.

zoso77

Nelly...

One more thing I should have mentioned before: you don't deserve any of this. What he's doing and how he's behaving is something you did not sign up for. And it's inexcusable. Period. Hopeful gave you some strong feedback. I hope you take it to heart and explore all your options.

Be safe, and keep us posted.

atalose

It’s hard when we hit our bottom while we are waiting and hoping for them to hit theirs. You have isolated yourself onto an island with the addict. We certainly can’t seek comfort or support from the most damaged person in our lives. On one hand it’s good you can run to his mother’s home when the unacceptable behavior kicks in, which it will continue, and each time will grow worse.

Sure you can come here and post, but re-building the bridges with your family and friends is the only way to get off of that island that you are so scarred to leave.

What happens when he’s no longer “functional” and can’t pay rent, bills, what is your plan to finish your education, have a place to live, food on the table in that event, because that realistically could be right around the corner.

As it was mentioned to you, you have been around here long enough reading and hearing all of the advice to so many others in the exact same place as you…………..he’s not changing……so that only leaves you to make the changes needed to give yourself a healthier and calmer life.

Fear is crippling it does things to us like make decisions to isolate ourselves on an island with an addict who is responsible for our wellbeing without any real true support to help us.

Un-healthy love does just about the same as that fear does.

This is no longer about him or his addiction this is all about you and your codependency.

ladyscribbler

Glad you posted Nelly.
I want to address the issues of PTSD and the rages. My ex and I are both veterans, both diagnosed with PTSD. I manage mine through self-care, and most of my episodes are mild. I have been on medication, but I don't like the side effects, so I found other ways to proactively manage my symptoms. My ex "managed" his PTSD by getting blackout drunk so I am very familiar with the rages.

I had a bad time last weekend. July 4th will probably never be my favorite holiday. I was spending it with my gentleman friend who I've been seeing for about 6 months. He knows my story of course, but he's never seen me have one of my spells. I was nervous, but overall it was a good (less terrible than my last couple July 4ths) weekend.

He asked what he could do for me, if anything. He's very understanding about my other issues- picking seats in a restaurant, sudden loud noises, etc. I told him the biggest favor he could do me was to not let me use it as an excuse. Mental illness is not a license to mistreat others or to verbally and physically abuse those close to us.
PTSD is a very treatable condition, and there is a wealth of help (not just drug therapy) available for free through the VA.

You deserve much better than this, and please don't judge all veterans by this one man's actions. We aren't all "crazy." It sounds like he has things going on beyond the addiction and mental illness. The controlling and abusive behavior he is displaying are signs that he is a batterer, and that is separate from his other issues.

Please do what you need to stay safe. I fear you are in a dangerous situation. Please consider reaching out to the DV resources in your community and keep reading and posting here. Take care.

hopepraylove

Thank you LS. Wonderfully put.

MIRecovery

The addict is addicted to the drugs. You are addicted to the addict. The solution is the same for both. Complete abstinence.

It is only when we stop hurting ourselves that we can see the reality of our situation