Donardclimb

Our son has always been super smart but has often made poor choices. We've had issues with grades, etc., etc., etc. Many of you know what I mean. He's almost 20, did terrible his first year at community college due to lack of effort. He started a business with a friend and they are doing wonderful.

Here's the issue. MJ has been a real problem for him and he knows it. We have tried counseling, ultimatums, you name it. He dips which is legal but my husband said none in the house(husband quit years ago). Found tons of cans stashed in the house, very intentionally not following the rules of the house. Just lies and lies. Drug tests happen and he knows they are coming, it's going to happen. He has failed enough times the car gets taken away again and it then proceeds to, you will have to leave our home. Last test, that happened and he was out. Few days went by and he came back with promises and we let him move back in. Passed his test over the weekend but got busted last night.

So, he's out and I'm scared for him. However, we believe this is the best thing we can do for him and for us. He knew this would happen but it doesn't seem to phase him until it is staring him in the face. I don't know where he's going to stay and he doesn't have any vehicle, he's not using ours!!!

We're a very close family and feel we have done as much as we can for him. His brothers have been there for him, too.

Any words of wisdom, advice, or encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

Plink

Stop "saving" him or enabling him.

He's an adult and should be responsible for his own actions. He needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his own actions.

It took our family a long time to learn this and the heartache along the way was sometimes unbearable. Still is but, I don't want you to be here in 20 years and still living the nightmare!

His choices! Not yours! let him pick up the pieces of his consequences of HIS actions.

Donardclimb

Thanks, that is exactly what I wanted, hoped, and needed to hear! I know it is the right decision but some back up always helps.

It is so frustrating. We are a loving close family of six and have never been handed everything , they work hard., but have never suffered. Our son that struggles is extremely intelligent, very personable, talented, hard working and handsome. He really could accomplish about anything he wants. However, he seems to self destruct at certain levels. He's not rude or violent, he's kind and charming which he knows how to work on me.

Yesterday was our 25th anniversary and my husband made the nicest FB post. Our friends and family made so many kind comments to us, including that all of our children are great kids. If they only knew the private struggle, they would be very surprised. I am grateful for this form to speak freely and to not be judged. It was a real kick in the teeth last night to have our celebration turn to crap when our son pulled up in my car that smelled like weed. Denied it until we said its test time. It just showed me how much this is all really about him, not us.

I have done my legal, financial, and moral obligation to him. It will be up to him to not reduce our relationship down to nothing more than biological.

AnvilheadII

well mom.....not to minimize your situation in the slightest but 20 year olds smoking pot is pretty common......

you didn't say where he is in the birth order, but maybe regarding college, etc, it just wasn't HIS thing? somehow he managed to get a business off the ground, right?

let him walk his own path, even if you don't like it. the more bigger deal you make of every little thing he does, the more resentment and distance that can build.

i got the boot at 19, did have a car, but no job. landed on my feet just fine. 19 year olds SHOULD be out there making their own way. i'm not sure when we stopped kicking the birds out of the nest but i don't see where it's IMPROVED much.......

have some faith. give him the dignity of figuring it out for himself.

Donardclimb

Thanks, Anvil. Much appreciated!

He graduated high school a year ago and I wasn't surprised he didn't like college and I'm just fine with that. He paid for it.There are many ways to be successful. He just started the business this spring and is saving for a car and to move out. That is what we want too. We enjoy his company but this is the progression to be becoming a self sufficient adult. He is third born and the oldest two are moved out. He just has created himself a situation that makes it much worse for him as far as being prepared.

I get it that people smoke weed. However, this has been a real issue since he was 15 and I don't mean a little smoking here and there. It affects his personality, motivation, productivity, etc.

Also, if he had legal problems in our vehicle, it could negatively affect our livelihood and he knows that.

I am going to let him figure this out. I hope this positively helps his mindset.

greeteachday

I'm sorry that you are feeling bad/sad/guilty for requiring that he leave, but to me it sounds like you did just what you needed to do. He was told there would be consequences and chose not to respect your rules anyway. To me the fastest way to help our kids to find their way is to allow them to face the consequences of their choices.

I do also totally understand why this is a major concern for you. I had similar concerns with my daughter when she was a high school senior and the school counselors, friends, etc basically said, don't sweat it - this is what "teens do, right...drink, smoke pot, it's all experimenting? She's super smart, personable, talented - you shouldn't worry; just let her be."

I think Mom's have a pretty good sense of when their kids are beyond minor things kids do; please don't doubt yourself. It is one regret I have - that I listened to those who said no big deal and cut her slack, gave her more chances and didn't let her face consequences when I knew better deep in my heart. Maybe if I had acted sooner, she wouldn't have died of an accidental overdose at the same age your son is now.

Queenbee7

I'm the wife of an addict. I put my foot down and set limits and boundaries (oh so hard and painful), so my husband no longer lives with me. It feels good to know I'm helping myself to avoid the pain and chaos of addiction and it feels good to know ultimately I'm doing what is best for my husband by not enabling his behavior.
However I often feel sad and frustrated because my husband can seek and find a 1,000 other enablers. They are everywhere. His friends, other women, his family.
And if his family could only see how much their "helping" is actually hurting him in the long run. And how it contributes to hurting his marriage and his children.
So with all these other enablers I sometimes feel like I'm in a loosing battle.
Your son if he truly wants to, can find others who are more then willing to "help" him out. Your not leaving him in a bad spot. He is a capable adult.
AND in my opinion, you are absolutely doing the RIGHT thing. I salute you for it. My husband is someones son. Someday your son might be someones husband. And your doing that person a favor right now.
Take Care

zoso77

Sure. Allow him to face the consequences of his actions. This will be difficult for you. But at the end of the day, what choice do you have?

Welcome to the Board. You're amongst friends.

PuzzledHeart

You just described my sister to a T.

My sister has smoked pot since her college years. Twenty plus years later, she swears that she's quit the stuff, but she ended her marriage to be with a man who is a heavy pot smoker. They both are not financially independent - he lives with his parents and she lives with mine.

She is in her forties and constantly blames my parents for everything. She blames my mom for being too tough on her. She blames my dad for not being tough enough. I get whiplash when I think of all the people that she's blamed for something.

Why do my parents continue to let her live in their house? Because my sister now has two kids and they don't want to send them into the street. My parents are begging me to financially support her after they're gone, and in the same breath they wonder if my sister is waiting for them to die so she can get her hands on their money.

I'm telling this to you because there can be dire consequences if you DON'T stop enabling him now. My main concern is that after my parents are gone she will start charming/conning her own daughters to financially support her even though she pretty much dumped them with my parents a long, long time ago.

So yes, lay the boundaries now, before he has kids, before he breaks up any future marriage, because even though it seems impossible to do at this moment, it's MUCH easier to do it now than later.

Donardclimb

To all of you, thank you so much for all of your comments. I just read all of this to my husband and your comments have helped strengthen us! The sharing of your individual experiences has really helped us.

Greeteachday, I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter. That is my greatest fear that this will lead to an even more destructive path. We have already dealt with prescribed Ritalin abuse with him. You're right, my sense with him is much different with him than our other kids who have made their own mistakes. It's different with him.

Queen and Puzzled, thanks for sharing your personal experiences. Hoping the best outcome for your situations and your input has been so helpful.

zoso77 Thanks for the welcome, this forum has helped us tremendously and I am so grateful!!!!

Donardclimb

Well, here we are a few weeks later......When we booted our son, it put a wrench in our anniversary travel plans since he was going to take care of the animals but it was not going to change our decision to ask him to leave. We asked one of our other sons to stay at the house, last minute. He was kind enough to oblige even though I know it kind of messed with some of his plans.

Our son , D, that we booted stayed at the house a few nights, I know his brother was in a tough spot and I'm not going to hold it against him. D requested to come see me when we returned. He wanted to hear about our trip and say Hi. He stopped and it was awkward, it brought a pit in my stomach. It proved to me how I have really had enough. He asked if we could try and just talk, he really wanted to just have a conversation. We did and I was happy. He seemed to be doing some real soul searching which was encouraging. I asked if he had taken one of our cars(a Mom knows when something is different), which he is not allowed to drive. He said, no. Well, he had. Just fricking tell the truth! It was like one step forward, two steps back!!!!!

Today, he stopped to get his sleeping bag to go camping with friends. He looked like crap, had just woken up in the afternoon. His successful business has taken a dump for the most part, I saw that happening for the past couple of months if he didn't turn it around. No motivation. The other guy he works with is lazy. He's switched to working for someone else which I think is best.

Basically, I think he's thinking his life sucks, is depressed, and misses all of us terribly. I think couch hopping is not all it's cracked up to be, and neither is knowing your Mom is not going to cave.

Like I said, we are a close family. D and my husband have not talked and my husband misses him very much but he is not going to break on this. I am surprised our son has not called him, he's mentioned it, but I think he is not ready to face him in person or on the phone. He has tremendous respect for his Dad.

Thanks for being here for me.

Plink

You say he thinks his life "sucks" and he misses you all.......
That's probably true but not enough to give up the life he is living!

My son forever is saying how much he misses my cooking...........but, not enough to give up the life that he is living at this moment.

Tomorrow is my son's birthday...always a big deal to celebrate birthdays in our family......I do not have a phone number to call him, don't know where he is at.......

But, I know I have to be strong and continue the NC thing till he decides he's ready.....

Donardclimb......it's all his choice...his decisions.....his life.......

hopeful4

When the consequences of his lifestyle cause more despair than he sees it benefit, he will either face it and turn himself around, or go further down the road to ruin. Either choice is HIS.

Tight hugs. I say this gently b/c I know it's so hard.