Advice to your "then self"
 

I'm just curious what others would say if they could go back and give advice to your then self during the time you were in the chaos of your relationship with your addicted significant other. Also, would love to hear from those who have children since I am in the midst of an ugly fight with my AH and we have two small children.

Good day Sunshine1234,
I am probably in a somewhat similar situation. I have been battling with AH who was also a coke user. I have 2 children from previous marriage and a baby with current AH&Addict. They never saw his use as he would diseappear and I was left trying to keep all together. After several fights where I knew he was under the influence, physical abuse etc. I filed for EOP. It was granted immediately and I wish I did it sooner. I lost friends, family and my dignity with him. I loved the man and finally realized that I had to leave because I truly loved him. It sent him for the first time into recovery and a full on spiral of getting his addictions treated. We are still separated and he wants back in bad. So much that he is not supposed to contact me and when the judge said I can lock you up for contacting her he said " I love my wife, If you need to lock me up go ahead, I have done dumber things and gotten in trouble for them. I want to be the husband to this woman that she deserves, I was very wrong. I love her and want her in my life, If that means I go to jail because I love her, so be it". I agreed to meet him this week and go to Al Anon and see where that leads. I suggest it for you as well, it opens up a lot but helps you focus on you and your life. I don't know where my future is with my husband and that is ok. Now, as far as the kids, that is the hardest part. I have kept my other 2 children away from their step-dad. It tears him apart and I am firm on that even when he pushes me hard and it's hard for me to say no to him. He sees his daughter regularly and that is because he is currently sober, sees his sponsor daily, attends meetings and counseling weekly and some daily along with working his full time job. Like I said, I am still hesitant as the chaos was great, yet my love is still greater for the man but I must be wary and protect my kids and their well being in the process. Hang in there and God Bless.

Sunshine, if I could go back in time, I'd beg myself to avoid the relationship.

I'd go back to the first time my ex relapsed on heroin. I'd say to myself, "this isn't your battle, this isn't your journey, he's not ready to love you, he doesn't love himself."

I'd go back to when I visited him almost daily in rehab (his fourth of ten stints), I'd say to myself, "you shouldn't visit him so much, in fact, you should rarely visit, he needs to focus on himself, but more importantly, YOU need to take care of yourself."

I'd go back to when he OD'd after his rehab stint. I'd say to myself "I know you haven't heard from him in a few days, but you are going to be OK, he is alive, but this is killing YOU. GET TO ALANON."

Finally, I would go back to the week before I finally left him. I'd tell my then self
"your intuition is right, he is using, you are not crazy, you know what to do. You will do it and you will be okay. In fact, you'll be relieved and FREE."

More importantly, I'd go back and tell myself "run." "Run far away, avoid this relationship at all costs. He will never love you as much as he loves heroin, nothing you do, say, sacrifice will make a difference in his addiction. You deserve better, you deserve a loving, respectful relationship, with someone who loves you. "

Very well said hopepraylove

I would have told myself to trust my instincts and don't be fooled.

Hi Sunshine, I am grappling with a crisis now too so don't know if I have the right answer, but I so understand as I have a young child too, and that makes things so much more complicated. My AH is an alcoholic and has relapsed a second time in a year and we have a little 6 yo boy and I am trying to keep everything together for him while worried about my AH and the future. This happened already 5 years ago, when he had his first alcoholic breakdown, and I got a legal separation then and we are still legally separated but remained close while he was sober and in a program. Part of my hesitation to totally cut the cord now is our child, what it would mean, dealing with visitation (AH has never been a violent or abusive person and is a loving dad when he is sober, but I would never leave my child alone with him, I am too much of a worrier as it is) and all the other issues around this. It is just so painful and I know what you are going through. There is some comfort in knowing one is not alone in this type of predicament.

I'm actually grateful that I've learned what I learned as a result of my relationship with my AXGF.

All of us, to one degree or another, have held on to the notion that if we just love someone enough and if we're supportive to the nth degree, the addict will not only be able to absorb that love and support, but that love and support will change their behavior.

This is simply and demonstrably false.

And this was a hard and painful lesson to learn. But you know what? It's an invaluable lesson, and it's one that I apply when I'm confronted with certain situations now. People are what they are, and they only way they will change is if they want to. My AXGF didn't want to change. Most of the addicts we discuss here at FFSA don't want to change. But we can change, if we choose to.

Doing "post games" -- reevaluating our decisions and where we veered off course -- is good so long as it remains non-judgmental. But don't spend too much time in the past...

I would tell myself 3 years ago not to fall for him "being his old self" and proceed with divorce as planned.

I would tell myself not waste time and money supporting him and his expensive habits (Starbucks every day, box of cigars every month, several gym memberships) because he is "sick alcoholic" and tell him to suck it up and contribute right away.

I would also tell myself that, while he always threatened me that the only reason that I was able to work was that he was "stay at home dad" (read: philandering unemployed slob of an alcoholic and drug addict), I would be still gainfully employed, get a raise and bonus while experiencing decline in anxiety, and all without his "services".

And lastly - I would trust my gut, when I thought he was cheating - he was, pills, booze - I detected it all, no need for tests....he made me crazy and doubt myself

Should have cut the cord sooner.

My addicted loved one was/is my son.

Advice?

"Back off, back wayyyyy off and let him figure this all out by himself!"

"Stop trying to rescue him, you deny him the lessons he needs to learn!"

"Stop making yourself sick trying to control the outcome, it is not your to control!"

"You are a good person, remember that and just take better care of yourself."

The thing is, would I have listened? Probably not, my ears were plugged with denial.

That said, recovery has brought me to a good place I would never have found without the problems that led me here. A strangely wrapped gift, indeed.

Hugs

Such great advice that I take all to heart!❤️ Thank you for sharing!!

After 34 years with axh, I wish I respected myself enough not to live my whole marriage with all his lies, one after another. I wish I put my foot down with all his partying when my kids were younger. I think he might have gotten help while kids were in the home and he wanted to be with them. Not sure, as this was God's plan for my families life, not mine.

I don't think I would have listened to my own advice, I loved him (still do). I always felt love could conquer all, but not with an addict. You have to set them free and let them figure it out.

I don't wish I could go back to the day before I met him and tell myself not to follow up on the this contact (mutual friend who introduced us).

I do wish I could go back to the day last fall when I called him to ask him a simple question and he attacked me over the phone, accusing me of saying something that "might" have "given him away" to somebody IF somebody had been listening in (no one was; he was just paranoid from years before that, in other circumstances in his life).
Instead of apologizing (for something I hadn't even said) and saying I hadn't done it intentionally (I hadn't actually done it at all, not in the real world, but only in his paranoid delusion), I wish I had laughed out loud over the phone at him and said, "What in the world are you talking about?" I wish I had gotten angry back at him.
He probably still would have dumped me. And I had learned the summer before that trying to defend myself (i.e., tell him the facts instead of letting him accuse me of something totally unreal) just made him really really angry.
But I wish I had been angry back. I have a quick and bad temper so I almost never give in to it. I almost never talk back to anyone who gets mad at me.
I just wish I had ripped this guy a good one and stood up to his anger and laughed at his accusations like the total delusions they were.
Just because I never yell at someone doesn't mean I don't know how to. I can say VERY hurtful things. I just don't, because I don't like to be hurt. But maybe I could have blasted him with some common sense and gotten through to him.

I wish I would of HONORED my gut instinct soon after I met my husband.
There were 3 specific "red flags" that I felt deep in my gut soon after I met my husband, but before we started dating.

My husband was very kind and gentle and unassuming when I first met him and while he was pursuing me. However on two different occasions during everyday conversation something he said or how he said it sent a red flag straight to my gut. I ignored it.

Then on a different occasion I noticed him looking at me from across the room ( we were with a group of friends) and when I looked at him in the eyes the word PREDATOR flashed in my mind. Still I ignored it.

This relationship experience has taught me to NEVER ignore my gut reactions

I second that!!! My gut told me all along THIS IS WRONG. And I still married him and had children with him. I knew everyone around me was saying "what the he** is she doing (including myself deep down inside). It's amazing what our gut can tell us if we only just listened to it! I'm NEVER going to again ignore my gut instincts like you said.

I was a baby in NA when my sister really began to bottom-out. If I could go back to the summer of 2014, I'd say:

1) Let go of the laptop and leave it be at the pawn shop. It sucks because you're using it for online meetings, but she's going to lose it again anyways (which is $130 gone for you).

2) Don't chase after her. Don't go searching for her because you think that if you keep tabs on her, she has a better chance of getting out of the dark rut of addiction - she doesn't. No matter what you do, she will climb over you to hunt down the drugs until she has had enough.

3) Keep the focus on the child. When you are obsessing around her, she lives within that world. When she watches you worry about her mom, she feeds off of that crisis mentality.

When people told me to 'detach with love', I thought they were crazy. Now I realize they were sane.

I haven't posted in a long time, but this thread was too poignant to not respond.

I would have loved myself more. I would have valued myself more. Not in a selfish way, but quite the opposite. You see, the damage I did trying to "fix" everyone and everything around me benefited no one.

I would have trusted my gut. I now live by a saying from Maya Angelou that says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." It's important to notice she says "shows" and not "tells". A person's actions will tell you who they are and what they are about. Believe them. Trust your gut and don't try to talk yourself out of what you already know to be true.

Have clear boundaries and stick to them.

And have a good definition of what love truly means. My version was so bastardized and convoluted, it was no wonder I applied that word to so many situations for which it did not belong. I would remind myself that what my exah did was not love, and neither were my responses.

There is hope. It will get better, but you will have to work hard to make it so. Stay on SoberRecovery. When I think back to those dark days, and I know without a doubt I wouldn't have made it through as well as I did without this forum. Reach out. Get the support you need as often as you need it.

BTW, when I divorced my exah six years ago, I had twin four-year-old to care for. Today, they are doing so well, I can't believe it sometimes! Again, there is hope. I wish you the very best.

I would tell myself to RUN! When I first found out my ex Addict boyfriend was smoking oxy and the lies and insanity began.
Had I known now what an impact it would have on the last 7 years of my life and that he would now still be doing Heroin, which has lead to him living on the streets, I would have never stuck in there chasing him, micro managing him, and doing all the work for him.
I would tell myself to leave the relationship in the beginning and pursue my own dreams rather then live a nightmare. The moment I realized he had stole an item from my daughter for drugs and she was so hurt I should have left and been a strong mother putting our needs before his. She didn't deserve that and the fact my kids had to have an often sad and anxious mom wasn't fair either.
If I had gotten out early and not been on this long roller coaster ride it would have saved me so much sadness, anger, and financial losses. Yah, if I would have known that I would have to see him the way he looks now walking the streets, staying in abandoned places, constantly at the ER for abcessess ect I would have gotten out early before my heart was so invested. I would tell myself to let him go , love myself, and that nothing I could do or be would save him from his addiction.