Its been 2 years - did the other foot drop?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 23
Its been 2 years - did the other foot drop?
Hey SR,
It has been two years since I last posted. I have spent the last few days reading through your posts and have realized how much your support had helped me stay strong and how much I am missing it now.
My RABF and I have been together on and off for 8 years and have now known each other for 11 years. He was using cocaine on and off for a good duration of our relationship and successfully hid this use from me up until 2 years ago when I first found SR. Over a year ago he found sobriety - we moved to a whole knew province. I wanted to move away for my training and he wanted to get away from all his triggers and all his closest friends who still remain addicted. Over the last year, I have seen a night and day change in him - he has a consistent well paying job, helps pay rent, bills, grocerys, contributed to housework, looked after our dog and would spend a ton of time with me. Since he had no friends in the city, whenever I was busy he would walk over to a hole in the wall bar down the street from our house. I would occasionally go with him. He would never come home drunk. However, 2 months ago he started spending time with a friend from work who was much older than him and who was an alcoholic. Eventually he started going over there, saying he would only have one or two beers and come back home, but he would not message and not come back home. Given that he has cheated on me in the past... this is where my anxiety started to kick in. We started to fight and grow apart. Eventually I asked to take a break - but after a week we talked - I finally felt heard. Things went back to normal. Things felt good. And I was starting to think about the big future - marriage and kids.
Shortly after I went away on vacation with family to Europe. RABF usual becomes quite sad when I leave. He became distant and as a result- my anxiety about his fidelity in our relationship again began to rise. While I was away I found out that he lied about a friends birthday he was going to - telling me he was going out because none of her friends were in town. I later saw pictures on instagram that all her friends were there. I also found out that he had gotten a random girls number from the bar that night - and I confronted him. He said she had asked to put it in his phone, but he was not interested and he should have told this girl that he had a girlfriend. He acted incredibly remorseful. I let it go.
However, since I have been back, he has been very busy between work, baseball and friends. Sometimes I felt sidelined. And more and more he went out to have a drink with a friend and never called and never came home. Last week we argued about it. He apologized and said he would never do it again. He made time to spend with me every single day. All time was accounted for. But he came home more and more drunk every day. When I asked him why he was drinking so much all of a sudden, he said he did not want to talk about it. We fought and then last Friday, once again he did not come home. I was incredibly upset so I called his best friend wondering if he knew why RABF was drinking more and not coming home. His friend told me that RABF was not doing drugs. That everytime he had asked him to use, my RABF would refuse. However, he said I wasn't stupid for thinking something was off and that it was off for a lot longer than the last 4 weeks. I asked him if RABF was seeing someone (as specific girl I was suspicious of) and again his friend replied "you aren't dumb".
The next morning I freaked out. I asked RABF to move out. I didn't even give him a chance to explain. RABF has completely denied seeing this girl. However, he also has refused to talk about the situation. He has refused to come back home. The one time that I did see him, he cried and yelled about how I had kicked him out and how much he hated packing his things and leaving. How he has been living in his car. And how he would rather live their than in a house that wasn't his. How mad he is that me and his friend were talking about him behind his back and how he didn't know who to believe (his friend denied what he said and states that I am making stuff up to try to get RABF to admit to something he didn't do). He did however agree to stay at home and watch the dog while I was away for work this weekend.
I think I am confused about what is going on and how to feel. I love RABF and I have been more in love and happy with him than I have been in many many years. This last month however has left me feeling lonely and insecure. I don't know why he has been drinking more. And I don't know if I should trust his friend (who has hated the fact that RABF moved and believes it is all my fault). I just know that if I were in my boyfriends situation I would have wanted someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me a chance to explain myself.
And I don't know if he is not talking to me because he is upset about being kicked out with no place to go, and is upset that I would do this without even talking to him about what his friend had accused him of. Or if it is because he is just happy to have an excuse to go out drinking/to see someone with no one to answer too. It is so hard not to imagine that it is the later. I am use to being betrayed, hurt, disappointed, and feeling like I am not good enough or worthy of love. And I am wondering if it is because I have always been waiting for the other foot to drop? Has the last year just been too good to be true?
How do you trust a RABF? And should I trust a RABF? And how long do I wait for him to come home
Or do I just walk away - never knowing if I did the right thing? Walking away is terrifying. But this time it doesn't feel impossible either. Maybe I am growing.
If you are still reading this, thank you. I appreciate any advice or outside views. I haven't wanted to talk to much about this with my family and friends.
It has been two years since I last posted. I have spent the last few days reading through your posts and have realized how much your support had helped me stay strong and how much I am missing it now.
My RABF and I have been together on and off for 8 years and have now known each other for 11 years. He was using cocaine on and off for a good duration of our relationship and successfully hid this use from me up until 2 years ago when I first found SR. Over a year ago he found sobriety - we moved to a whole knew province. I wanted to move away for my training and he wanted to get away from all his triggers and all his closest friends who still remain addicted. Over the last year, I have seen a night and day change in him - he has a consistent well paying job, helps pay rent, bills, grocerys, contributed to housework, looked after our dog and would spend a ton of time with me. Since he had no friends in the city, whenever I was busy he would walk over to a hole in the wall bar down the street from our house. I would occasionally go with him. He would never come home drunk. However, 2 months ago he started spending time with a friend from work who was much older than him and who was an alcoholic. Eventually he started going over there, saying he would only have one or two beers and come back home, but he would not message and not come back home. Given that he has cheated on me in the past... this is where my anxiety started to kick in. We started to fight and grow apart. Eventually I asked to take a break - but after a week we talked - I finally felt heard. Things went back to normal. Things felt good. And I was starting to think about the big future - marriage and kids.
Shortly after I went away on vacation with family to Europe. RABF usual becomes quite sad when I leave. He became distant and as a result- my anxiety about his fidelity in our relationship again began to rise. While I was away I found out that he lied about a friends birthday he was going to - telling me he was going out because none of her friends were in town. I later saw pictures on instagram that all her friends were there. I also found out that he had gotten a random girls number from the bar that night - and I confronted him. He said she had asked to put it in his phone, but he was not interested and he should have told this girl that he had a girlfriend. He acted incredibly remorseful. I let it go.
However, since I have been back, he has been very busy between work, baseball and friends. Sometimes I felt sidelined. And more and more he went out to have a drink with a friend and never called and never came home. Last week we argued about it. He apologized and said he would never do it again. He made time to spend with me every single day. All time was accounted for. But he came home more and more drunk every day. When I asked him why he was drinking so much all of a sudden, he said he did not want to talk about it. We fought and then last Friday, once again he did not come home. I was incredibly upset so I called his best friend wondering if he knew why RABF was drinking more and not coming home. His friend told me that RABF was not doing drugs. That everytime he had asked him to use, my RABF would refuse. However, he said I wasn't stupid for thinking something was off and that it was off for a lot longer than the last 4 weeks. I asked him if RABF was seeing someone (as specific girl I was suspicious of) and again his friend replied "you aren't dumb".
The next morning I freaked out. I asked RABF to move out. I didn't even give him a chance to explain. RABF has completely denied seeing this girl. However, he also has refused to talk about the situation. He has refused to come back home. The one time that I did see him, he cried and yelled about how I had kicked him out and how much he hated packing his things and leaving. How he has been living in his car. And how he would rather live their than in a house that wasn't his. How mad he is that me and his friend were talking about him behind his back and how he didn't know who to believe (his friend denied what he said and states that I am making stuff up to try to get RABF to admit to something he didn't do). He did however agree to stay at home and watch the dog while I was away for work this weekend.
I think I am confused about what is going on and how to feel. I love RABF and I have been more in love and happy with him than I have been in many many years. This last month however has left me feeling lonely and insecure. I don't know why he has been drinking more. And I don't know if I should trust his friend (who has hated the fact that RABF moved and believes it is all my fault). I just know that if I were in my boyfriends situation I would have wanted someone to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me a chance to explain myself.
And I don't know if he is not talking to me because he is upset about being kicked out with no place to go, and is upset that I would do this without even talking to him about what his friend had accused him of. Or if it is because he is just happy to have an excuse to go out drinking/to see someone with no one to answer too. It is so hard not to imagine that it is the later. I am use to being betrayed, hurt, disappointed, and feeling like I am not good enough or worthy of love. And I am wondering if it is because I have always been waiting for the other foot to drop? Has the last year just been too good to be true?
How do you trust a RABF? And should I trust a RABF? And how long do I wait for him to come home
Or do I just walk away - never knowing if I did the right thing? Walking away is terrifying. But this time it doesn't feel impossible either. Maybe I am growing.
If you are still reading this, thank you. I appreciate any advice or outside views. I haven't wanted to talk to much about this with my family and friends.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
sparrow ... I've learned in my life, to trust my instinct. The times that I did not, ended up showing me that I was in denial. What people say, truth, lies, conflict - all breed drama. If you want to remove the drama from you life, then you know what to do. While you are hesitant, you are not ready. But when you are, you will know immediately, that you have made the right decision for 'you'. It's like a giant sigh of relief.
hopeful wishes for you
Hugs
Joie
hopeful wishes for you
Hugs
Joie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
To me the situation looks (on the outside) that he has commitment issues. Not coming home at night is a HUGE red flag. You can be opening yourself up for disease (if he is cheating). Cheating is not a deal breaker for a lot of women - as these men are manipulators and they know when they have it good. I'm sure your BF had it good. It's as if they are filling a void. I hope that you can find peace in whatever choice you make. I would get tested and protect yourself (just in case). Who knows. He may NOT be cheating - but he's not coming home.....
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
If he found sobriety, then why is he drinking? Isn't that just a gate-way back to maybe drugs again someday? I hope not.
I have a AH and have posted semi similar post asking for opinions about whether he seemed to be cheating . Usually when we are in the relationship it's harder for us to see and accept signs that he is.
From the outside looking in there seems to be reasons to believe he could be. Even the fact that you said he won't even talk about the situation with one of the girls your uncomfortable with says a lot to me. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I found numbers, women's items, condoms and my husband STILL denied it!
And I still was in denial over it and had to come on SR and ask for blunt opinions about whether they thought he cheated or not. (everyone said yes they thought he was)To this day I still try to talk myself out of believing it. My point is if this was your best friends boyfriend would you think she should stay with him? Or would you want better for her?
My husband in only two months of marriage didn't come home 7 times. No call, no text, he just left me hanging over and over. It's a terrible feeling to be home lying in your bed wondering what's going on with the person who says they love you. I never want to go through that ever again. I don't want a partner who is MIA. I want some one who truly loves me and wants to come home to me and I can always count on that happening. YOU deserve that too!
Over and over again on here I have been told to watch their actions and not listen to their words because that tells the TRUE story. My husbands words were pure poetry to me and he always melted my heart and I would forgive him. He would promise it would never happen again, I would believe, then he would do it again... on and on until I put a stop to it.
I know how hard, and painful and frightening this all is. We love our guys so much, don't we!?! You do what is right for you one baby step at a time if that is all you can do. I know that is what I'm doing and it's hard.
Take care
I have a AH and have posted semi similar post asking for opinions about whether he seemed to be cheating . Usually when we are in the relationship it's harder for us to see and accept signs that he is.
From the outside looking in there seems to be reasons to believe he could be. Even the fact that you said he won't even talk about the situation with one of the girls your uncomfortable with says a lot to me. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
I found numbers, women's items, condoms and my husband STILL denied it!
And I still was in denial over it and had to come on SR and ask for blunt opinions about whether they thought he cheated or not. (everyone said yes they thought he was)To this day I still try to talk myself out of believing it. My point is if this was your best friends boyfriend would you think she should stay with him? Or would you want better for her?
My husband in only two months of marriage didn't come home 7 times. No call, no text, he just left me hanging over and over. It's a terrible feeling to be home lying in your bed wondering what's going on with the person who says they love you. I never want to go through that ever again. I don't want a partner who is MIA. I want some one who truly loves me and wants to come home to me and I can always count on that happening. YOU deserve that too!
Over and over again on here I have been told to watch their actions and not listen to their words because that tells the TRUE story. My husbands words were pure poetry to me and he always melted my heart and I would forgive him. He would promise it would never happen again, I would believe, then he would do it again... on and on until I put a stop to it.
I know how hard, and painful and frightening this all is. We love our guys so much, don't we!?! You do what is right for you one baby step at a time if that is all you can do. I know that is what I'm doing and it's hard.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think I am confused about what is going on and how to feel.
I think when we feel confused it's because we are not living in reality because there is nothings confusing about reality except that we don't want to accept it.
An addict is an addict doesnt matter what their drug of choice is, booze, drugs, shopping, gambling, relationships with an addict it can always be anything in excess.
Your 8 year history with this relationship has been on again off again, that's the dynamics of it and its on that off again cycle. Maybe a more committed type relationship is what you seek today, more stability, more trust.........those things are not part of the relationship you've been in these last 8 years. I'm sure at times there were signs of those things but no sustainbility.
Its really not about his friend or what his friend said its about his own actions which are those of someone who doesn't want to be in a loving mutually giving committed relationship, sorry.
Trust your gut and try not to repeat your own past behaviors.
I think when we feel confused it's because we are not living in reality because there is nothings confusing about reality except that we don't want to accept it.
An addict is an addict doesnt matter what their drug of choice is, booze, drugs, shopping, gambling, relationships with an addict it can always be anything in excess.
Your 8 year history with this relationship has been on again off again, that's the dynamics of it and its on that off again cycle. Maybe a more committed type relationship is what you seek today, more stability, more trust.........those things are not part of the relationship you've been in these last 8 years. I'm sure at times there were signs of those things but no sustainbility.
Its really not about his friend or what his friend said its about his own actions which are those of someone who doesn't want to be in a loving mutually giving committed relationship, sorry.
Trust your gut and try not to repeat your own past behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
This sounds so very painful Sparrow. Also you have put quite a bit of time into this relationship which makes it harder to face things that are not working.
It sounds like your BF may have stopped using drugs but has replaced it with alcohol. This is not being in recovery. Furthermore recovery goes way beyond just stop using/drinking.
Have you tried an Alanon meeting? It isn't for everyone but could help.
Let us know how you are doing and we will try to support you.
It sounds like your BF may have stopped using drugs but has replaced it with alcohol. This is not being in recovery. Furthermore recovery goes way beyond just stop using/drinking.
Have you tried an Alanon meeting? It isn't for everyone but could help.
Let us know how you are doing and we will try to support you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
He's getting drunk, not talking to you and lying when he does. You don't trust him and with good reason. He had a woman's phone number in his phone, made some excuse, acted remorseful but doesn't come home and doesn't discuss it. Odds are he is cheating.
But whether he is or not, his behavior and interactions (or lack thereof) with you are causing you to feel sad, lonely and insecure. IMO that is enough to stop waiting for him particularly given the history of your relationship. His actions are not what you want and need from a partner.
I am sorry you're going through this and in pain. I second everyone else who said trust your instincts. It's good you feel that walking away is an option.
But whether he is or not, his behavior and interactions (or lack thereof) with you are causing you to feel sad, lonely and insecure. IMO that is enough to stop waiting for him particularly given the history of your relationship. His actions are not what you want and need from a partner.
I am sorry you're going through this and in pain. I second everyone else who said trust your instincts. It's good you feel that walking away is an option.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's drinking - so he's not an R anything......he is not in recovery. and he is likely up to NO GOOD, no good at all. step back and re-read your post......he's gone all the time, gone at all hours, lies, had girl's numbers IN HIS PHONE.
quit listening to his WORDS, and look only at his ACTIONS.
quit listening to his WORDS, and look only at his ACTIONS.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
That girl, this girl, whatever girl. You know the truth. He is using alcohol and seeing other women. Of course he does not want to talk about it, how convenient.
Be strong, and trust what you know. I recommend going completely NC b/c this is not productive for you in any way.
Hugs.
Be strong, and trust what you know. I recommend going completely NC b/c this is not productive for you in any way.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sweetheart,
You've put up with way too much for way too long, IMO. He's an alcoholic and a cheater. He's sucking you dry, darlin'. I know you love him and everything and we will do a lot and put up with alot when we love someone. But the number ONE person you need to love is YOURSELF! When you truly love yourself you will want to be treated RIGHT...and the fact of the matter is he is treating you like crap. I am so sorry you are going through this.
You've put up with way too much for way too long, IMO. He's an alcoholic and a cheater. He's sucking you dry, darlin'. I know you love him and everything and we will do a lot and put up with alot when we love someone. But the number ONE person you need to love is YOURSELF! When you truly love yourself you will want to be treated RIGHT...and the fact of the matter is he is treating you like crap. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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