Thelyoness83

Hey it's my first post. My husband is an addict but I just cant type out the whole story right now. It's just too much and I'm so emotional right now. I feel like I'm going crazy. But I wanted to ask about the home drug tests. I need to specifically check for opiates. Does anyone else have recommendations or experience using these?

again2016

Hi I have used First Check many times and it is very accurate. wont determine if it is heroin or Percocet specifically but it worked for me to know when my son was using percs it will not show suboxone which helps people get off opiates, but I had to find out the hard way that some use it and than cant stop using it... And watch him pee in cup physically watch, I have found old water bottles in my toilet tank and had no idea the level of manipulation that occurs when in active addiction

Hechosedrugs

I'm sorry you're going through this. My STBX was also addicted to opiates- mainly oxy. I tested him several times and he failed many. I can't say the tests accomplished much- even when there was a big fat positive he'd swear up and down they were wrong.

Looking back, I see that I really lost myself in trying to keep his addiction in check. I see now that I was putting way more effort into his recovery than he wanted to.

Those tests are fairly expensive- especially the more advanced ones, which range from $30-$40. I didn't know this then, but for the same price I could have had him tested at an actual facility, and if I had done this the test results would be valid in court (we're now in a custody battle and I'm trying to prove his drug use). My life would have been better if I had left it up to him to prove sobriety, rather than taking it upon myself.

Anyway, I just felt that I should share my story with you. I hope you don't get wrapped up in fighting his battle for him the way I did.

Best wishes.

Queenbee7

AMEN to that sister!

Queenbee7

SO SO sorry for what you are going through!! My husband is an addict too so I know the pain and roller coaster ride of it all. I hope you can find peace for yourself through all of this.

Thelyoness83

You're so right. I already know I am too wrapped up and basically obsessed with proving his lies to be wrong. I double check money and question everything, even calling stores and searching online to verify prices of things-because he will buy one thing and then get cash back b/c he knows he cannot go to an ATM. I am like a detective. But the worst part is even when he is caught red handed, with all the proof in front of him, he still continues to look me in the eye and lie. He was stealing from my parents, and the neighbor caught him on their surveillance camera (which faced my parents house).

ladyscribbler

It's really hard to separate yourself when everything is in your face all day every day. You know he is using. What would a positive test mean for you? Do you have an end goal in mind for all this evidence you're gathering?

I know how crazymaking it is to have someone blatantly lie to your face when caught red handed. My ex would be stinking drunk, staggering, reeking of booze and still swear he wasn't drinking. And he'd call me a crazy b for saying that he was. And then he'd point out some "flaw" or "failing" of mine to take the focus off his behavior. Like how I used to bit my nails. I don't anymore, it was a stress reaction, but he needed any ammunition he could get to protect his addiction.

My life got a lot better when I let him go and started focusing on myself. I'm not saying leave right now, but try taking a step back. Have you gotten any face to face support for yourself? Naranon or Alanon meetings? I attend Alanon twice a week along with counseling. Other members have had good experiences with Celebrate Recovery. SR is a great resource, of course, and I'm glad you're reaching out. No one should have to deal with this alone.

Sending a hug your way. Please keep reading and posting.

hopeful4

Someone just told me yesterday that she had been checking her daughter and found out the local lab here costs $40, almost same as purchased test, as someone said above.

I hope you find some peace soon. SR is a place of great support.

Queenbee7

I think at some point in time most of us have done some "detective" work. I do everything I can NOT to anymore. Although I did slip up last week and spend a little bit of my precious time obsessed with where he was and what he was doing. I even sat in front of an "adult" store for 20 minutes waiting to "catch" him coming out cause I thought I saw him go in there. Finally I realized what am I doing??? And left. ( I haven't heard from my husband in 3 wks)

I've caught him Red-Handed with sooo many things and he ALWAYS denies indisputable facts.

I actually woke up angry today because I had a dream about my AH last night. I was digging in our trash can and found evidence and even in my own dream he denied it! LOL

I know what your going through. I love my husband. However I'm letting him live his life and make his own choices. He chose to return to drugs, so I chose to have him move out. Nothing we do to control the drug use will ever have any long-term benefits. No matter what if someone wants to use they will..sooner or later..

It's hard and it's scary to let go of the control we think we have over this. But addiction is BIG, BAD and POWERFUL!

We are powerful too! You can do this, you can get through this, and you can learn to let go a little at a time until finally your top priority is YOU living healthy, safe and at peace.

Take Care

Sunshine1234

[QUOTE=Thelyoness83;6013543]You're so right. I already know I am too wrapped up and basically obsessed with proving his lies to be wrong.

I know that feeling! I have become like a detective also and it's exhausting!!! I try hard every day to let it go and concentrate on things besides him like ME! I keep telling myself I have more than enough proof and what is even more crap going to prove? I know he's lied enough. Try to let go of the obsessions to piece together the lies...it will just fuel your fire and take away from your precious time. Things will unravel and you will find out all you need to know in due time without having to suck the life out of yourself. Hang in there you are not alone.

Thelyoness83

Man I am so glad I've posted and gotten quick helpful replies. I do have an idea of my end game, and have already talked to a lawyer before. I suppose you all can relate to the feeling of not giving up yet, trying to exhaust (including yourself) so that you can feel like you truly did everything you could have done. I have an extra 'layer' that complicates me just throwing him out, and that is that my sister was an addict, and she shot herself. I found her. I live with the guilt that I did not help her enough, that I didn't do enough and that I wasn't there for her. The difference between her and husband is that she was truly ashamed and remorseful. She hated her addiction and tried a lot on her own to stop, even checked into a week long rehab to detox and get on the road to recovery. But she was also so ashamed and embarrassed of her addiction and the things she did to get pills. Husband seems to not think its a problem (his addiction) and doesn't seem to want to get help. I mean he does the bare minimum and it 'appears' that he has quit or is doing better, but when in reality he has just gotten better at hiding it. I think there have been periods where he really truly wanted to stop and maybe even did. But now I question any of that. I used to be able to find paraphernalia, track the money trail, know all the signs, but now he has gotten much better, but not completely and I obviously can still tell when hes on them. I'm just so conflicted. Also, we have 4 children and between my own stress and depression and children and work and life, and this on top of it..just its too much at times and this is on the back burner so I can deal with other areas of life.

WeakGirl

Oh, friend, I'm sending you virtual hugs! As a suicide attempt survivor, please let me tell you something that *hopefully* you've already been told a thousand times. Your sister's death is NOT your fault. When at the point of suicide, there is nothing anyone can do short of having you put in lock-down if they happen to be aware that you're at that particular point. Even in lock-down, suicide can and does happen. In fact, I made a pretty gory list of all the ways I could have in my room on my first night. (I was ticked about them cutting the wires out of my bras. lol. That list did NOT help me leave sooner. haha)

This is a huge, huge, huge burden that you do not, could not possibly in any way, deserve to carry. I hope that some day, you're able to release that guilt. I don't intend to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but if you haven't had the benefit of therapy since this happened, perhaps you might consider it.

Now, the two things I quoted actually relate to the first step of Nar Anon, which in conjunction with this forum is proving so helpful to me.

"Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable."

I really think that truly admitting, accepting, embracing that fact is where true healing begins.

Bekindalways

Yikes Thely, you are indeed hoeing quite the row.

If you can do it at all, stop worrying about his recovery or lack-there-of and focus on what you and your children need. It can be as hard to stop trying to fix the user as it is for the user to get sober.

Let us know how it goes and we will try to support you.

JOIE12

You are wasting money on tests that prove nothing. The addict will always come up with an excuse. What you know by instinct ... may never need to be confirmed with a test. They are just another way for us to need to have some concrete proof ... and then what ?