Enabling the enabler
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Enabling the enabler
Hi All,
Here is my struggle today... it's regarding my stepson (crystal meth addict)
A few weeks ago, his mom bought him a car. Bad idea. He was arrested and the car was impounded that night. When that happened, hubby went and got the car out of impound. At that time, I said it should not go right back to stepson, but with in an hour, it had. So he runs out of gas and "finds" a gas can and ends up with water in the gas tank and the car broken down. Hubby loans him tools to repair the car. He leaves the tools in the car, which then gets impounded again, for being left where it broke down.
He has no resources to get the car out. We have no way to get the tools back, unless we get the car out of impound. And as it sits, storage is racking up. I could do this, but it would be a struggle. If I did, it would save the tools, and the car. I was against getting him the car in the first place, but hate to see the lost money and tools. I could do it and then sell it, (maybe break even and save the tools) or I can just stay out of it, and let Everyone involved take the loss. It's throwing good money after bad. Or is it damage control. It's hard to sit back. But then again, if I were to do it, am I just enabling the enablers? Ugh.
Here is my struggle today... it's regarding my stepson (crystal meth addict)
A few weeks ago, his mom bought him a car. Bad idea. He was arrested and the car was impounded that night. When that happened, hubby went and got the car out of impound. At that time, I said it should not go right back to stepson, but with in an hour, it had. So he runs out of gas and "finds" a gas can and ends up with water in the gas tank and the car broken down. Hubby loans him tools to repair the car. He leaves the tools in the car, which then gets impounded again, for being left where it broke down.
He has no resources to get the car out. We have no way to get the tools back, unless we get the car out of impound. And as it sits, storage is racking up. I could do this, but it would be a struggle. If I did, it would save the tools, and the car. I was against getting him the car in the first place, but hate to see the lost money and tools. I could do it and then sell it, (maybe break even and save the tools) or I can just stay out of it, and let Everyone involved take the loss. It's throwing good money after bad. Or is it damage control. It's hard to sit back. But then again, if I were to do it, am I just enabling the enablers? Ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
ah forget it
Ah, things move so fast, I can't keep up.
They've all decided to just take a loss on the car and tools. As getting it out is now over $500.00.
Stepson went to court yesterday and they put limitations on him (curfew, etc.) his mom again took him back in to try to get him clean. She got up at 3AM and he was gone. So back to the same old rhetoric.
It's so hard to watch people try so hard to help someone who just doesn't want help.
I feel guilty when I distance, I feel awful when I don't.
They've all decided to just take a loss on the car and tools. As getting it out is now over $500.00.
Stepson went to court yesterday and they put limitations on him (curfew, etc.) his mom again took him back in to try to get him clean. She got up at 3AM and he was gone. So back to the same old rhetoric.
It's so hard to watch people try so hard to help someone who just doesn't want help.
I feel guilty when I distance, I feel awful when I don't.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Looking at this from the outside, it seems as if this is something outside your hula hoop (the figurative ring around you where the things inside are yours - your responsibilities, things you can control, etc. while everything outside the hula hoop are things you cannot or should not try to control).
Mom bought the car; Dad paid the impound fees and loaned him tools. Stepson continues to act irresponsibly because everyone fixes things for him. My personal view is this looks like a great learning opportunity for each of them to experience the consequences of their own choices.
"Not my circus, not my monkeys"
Mom bought the car; Dad paid the impound fees and loaned him tools. Stepson continues to act irresponsibly because everyone fixes things for him. My personal view is this looks like a great learning opportunity for each of them to experience the consequences of their own choices.
"Not my circus, not my monkeys"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Arrgh Sephra, as bad as addicts are, we enablers are just as bad or worse.
I would think you should sit back, detach and take care of yourself as much as possible. Addict children have to be the hardest situation; it hurts down to the very DNA of the enabler.
I would think you should sit back, detach and take care of yourself as much as possible. Addict children have to be the hardest situation; it hurts down to the very DNA of the enabler.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Looks like we posted around the same time. I'm sorry he is off and running again. I understand the guilty feelings. It helped me to realize that I robbed my daughter of the ability to own her achievements (not just the consequences) when I "helped" or tried to fix things. Sometimes the best thing we can do is just be there for others and let them know we care. I hope he finds his way and life becomes less stressful for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Somewhere over the atlantic
Posts: 31
Sounds like a gong show. Dealing with addicts is a nightmare. They can't tie there shoes let alone manage a car. I'd check out with frequent la, la, la, singing and trips to anywhere.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
Hi. Where I live, you have to deal with a car in impound. If you let it sit there for 30 days, the owner is charged with (something) and can have driving licenses suspended. So, if step son is the owner, I guess it's not your circus/monkey :-) but if his mother or father is listed as the owner, they could be in for some unexpected problems. May be it's different in your state.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
