The friends.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
The friends.
I feel bad posting again so soon. I have been 3 weeks almost (sunday) no contact. This may seem like a trivial thing to ask. Its about the friends. So, i am not mad about alot of his friends. He has a couple different groups. All different socio/economic backgrounds and varying degrees of drug use. But drug use is the common denominator with his relationship with all of them. The thing is none of them are down and outs. They hold jobs. They have relationships. They celebrate my former boyfriends mad man image. To be fair he celebrates it more and plays up to it. I dont think any of them would support him in sobriety. He has admitted to me that he has no real frienship with any of them. But yet, seems so addicted to their attention and validation. He is uin his 40's so they are all 10 years or more younger than him. Whats the point of my post? My point is, as I face 3 weeks of no contact, it is dawning on me that he cant ever escape it. Its a small city and he knows Everyone! His house is known as a session house and strangers and all walks of life are welcome any time, to trash and abuse the place, do their drugs.
I feel like the party pooper and I would never say it to him but i think alot of them are users. He is intelligent and smart and really special, he reads alot, the brightest man i have ever known. it just beggars belief to me that he wants to continue existing like this. He told me he had had enough of it, wanted done. But he doesnt. And I dont think he can. I know as humans we all crave validation, we all need to feel apart. But the last night in my home when we were talking he spoke openly about the impact o on his relationships. He said i can count just this minute 6 successful relationships you have (talking about me and my relationships) he has spoken before (when he was on coke) about depression. I feel like i have turned my back on him. We love eachother. But honestly, these friends, these people eho had on many occasion been prioritsed before our relationship, before us. Its so sad. His best friend is a girl and one night they had a row through fb, i woke at 8am, he was still awake (stupid me, in hindsight he was prob coked but i dodnt realise and just thought insomnia) i asked what fight was about and he said she said he needs to go to rehab and he openly said "well you know what she s hoping this conversation will go, she is hoping ill ask her here to talk and that we will end up doing coke togetehr" tnis is supposedly his best friend. At a time when he was trying to be sober(even tough looking back on that morning I realise he was high as a kite) how was i such an idiot.
I dont expect any replies and forgive my longwinded post. Processing alot and just wanted to put it down.
I feel like the party pooper and I would never say it to him but i think alot of them are users. He is intelligent and smart and really special, he reads alot, the brightest man i have ever known. it just beggars belief to me that he wants to continue existing like this. He told me he had had enough of it, wanted done. But he doesnt. And I dont think he can. I know as humans we all crave validation, we all need to feel apart. But the last night in my home when we were talking he spoke openly about the impact o on his relationships. He said i can count just this minute 6 successful relationships you have (talking about me and my relationships) he has spoken before (when he was on coke) about depression. I feel like i have turned my back on him. We love eachother. But honestly, these friends, these people eho had on many occasion been prioritsed before our relationship, before us. Its so sad. His best friend is a girl and one night they had a row through fb, i woke at 8am, he was still awake (stupid me, in hindsight he was prob coked but i dodnt realise and just thought insomnia) i asked what fight was about and he said she said he needs to go to rehab and he openly said "well you know what she s hoping this conversation will go, she is hoping ill ask her here to talk and that we will end up doing coke togetehr" tnis is supposedly his best friend. At a time when he was trying to be sober(even tough looking back on that morning I realise he was high as a kite) how was i such an idiot.
I dont expect any replies and forgive my longwinded post. Processing alot and just wanted to put it down.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Most addicts/alcoholics when in recovery will find their so called friends are really only using,/drinking buddies. They aren't real friends. If he ever gets to recovery he most likely, and really should, will have to move on from those "friends"
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
The younger friends arnt so bad, late 20's early 30's. Its the ones in their forties who alot of them seem hardened and rough. I would have zero in common with them. And even the younger ones. I met one of his other friends recently, i had only met her once before, she was "oh my god, i havnt seen you in ages" like we knew each other intimately,it asll seems so shallow and supeficial. Maybe im an introvert. But i have my family and then a close network of friends, who ror the most part i share values with. I feel like im boring. Even though im really social, love to go out, love to dance snd meet new people. But the drugs side of it just doesnt appeal to me. When i was younger maybe 4/5 times a year but always found it hollow.really projecting onto myself that its my issue. Im not openminded enough. Im not cool. Sorry if that sounds ridiculous. AndI ak definietly not worth it to him to give all that up. Not that i asked. No ultimatums. I just walked. But my god we had a connection. Just not enough I guess
When he said at 42 he was done with it i thought maybe, he was serious. But he wasnt.
When he said at 42 he was done with it i thought maybe, he was serious. But he wasnt.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by jd1639 
Most addicts/alcoholics when in recovery will find their so called friends are really only using,/drinking buddies. They aren't real friends. If he ever gets to recovery he most likely, and really should, will have to move on from those "friends"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When drinkers or drug users hang out together and socialize, they are looking for validation...but the validation they think they get is an illiusion because there is nothing "cool" about drugs or addiction, absolutely nothing.
If an addict gets clean, they often find new friends, sober friends that they meet at meetings or by doing sociable things that sober people do...hobbies, sports, gym, group interests...many many things are available and lots of fun. Social life doesn't have to end with sobriety.
That said, he's making his choices, bad choices but his all the same.
You are wise to get support processing all this. May I gently suggest that when you take your focus off what he is doing and put it back on what you would like to do with your life now that you have the time and energy to take care of you, the happier you will be,
Grief is a necessary process, just don't hang out there too long at any one time.
Hugs
If an addict gets clean, they often find new friends, sober friends that they meet at meetings or by doing sociable things that sober people do...hobbies, sports, gym, group interests...many many things are available and lots of fun. Social life doesn't have to end with sobriety.
That said, he's making his choices, bad choices but his all the same.
You are wise to get support processing all this. May I gently suggest that when you take your focus off what he is doing and put it back on what you would like to do with your life now that you have the time and energy to take care of you, the happier you will be,
Grief is a necessary process, just don't hang out there too long at any one time.
Hugs
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Ann
When drinkers or drug users hang out together and socialize, they are looking for validation...but the validation they think they get is an illiusion because there is nothing "cool" about drugs or addiction, absolutely nothing.
If an addict gets clean, they often find new friends, sober friends that they meet at meetings or by doing sociable things that sober people do...hobbies, sports, gym, group interests...many many things are available and lots of fun. Social life doesn't have to end with sobriety.
That said, he's making his choices, bad choices but his all the same.
You are wise to get support processing all this. May I gently suggest that when you take your focus off what he is doing and put it back on what you would like to do with your life now that you have the time and energy to take care of you, the happier you will be,
Grief is a necessary process, just don't hang out there too long at any one time.
Hugs
If an addict gets clean, they often find new friends, sober friends that they meet at meetings or by doing sociable things that sober people do...hobbies, sports, gym, group interests...many many things are available and lots of fun. Social life doesn't have to end with sobriety.
That said, he's making his choices, bad choices but his all the same.
You are wise to get support processing all this. May I gently suggest that when you take your focus off what he is doing and put it back on what you would like to do with your life now that you have the time and energy to take care of you, the happier you will be,
Grief is a necessary process, just don't hang out there too long at any one time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
If/when he gets sober, you're right about a lot of that, but I think some of the things you fear aren't as bad as you might think.
He will lose those friends. They will not be interested in him anymore, because they're not interested in him now - they're interested in other people to use with. Even in a small town, though, there are lots and lots of other people. If/when he gets clean and builds a better reputation, he will form new friendships.
His house may be a known session house now, but that doesn't mean he can't escape it. If/when he gets sober, people will stop coming. They'll find somewhere new to hang out. He'll be able to clean up his home and turn it into a place where people come to grill burgers instead of their minds, if he so chooses.
I'm speaking from experience here. I've never been addicted and haven't used so many different drugs. However, my brother's social group used to be my social group. My home was, at one point, where everyone came to use/abuse/party. When hubby and I chose to stop engaging in any of that behavior, the guests got fewer and fewer. "Don't light that in here" only has to be said a couple of times. Now, we have actual furniture with no burns in it, scented candles and such, and when there's a group of people here, they're fishing, grilling, watching the ball game, etc.
It is entirely possible to turn both your social life and your home around. He isn't trapped.
It's also entirely possible to get praise/acknowledgement/ego boosts without drug addicts supplying that, too.
I agree with Ann, though - what are you going to do with your bright future?
He will lose those friends. They will not be interested in him anymore, because they're not interested in him now - they're interested in other people to use with. Even in a small town, though, there are lots and lots of other people. If/when he gets clean and builds a better reputation, he will form new friendships.
His house may be a known session house now, but that doesn't mean he can't escape it. If/when he gets sober, people will stop coming. They'll find somewhere new to hang out. He'll be able to clean up his home and turn it into a place where people come to grill burgers instead of their minds, if he so chooses.
I'm speaking from experience here. I've never been addicted and haven't used so many different drugs. However, my brother's social group used to be my social group. My home was, at one point, where everyone came to use/abuse/party. When hubby and I chose to stop engaging in any of that behavior, the guests got fewer and fewer. "Don't light that in here" only has to be said a couple of times. Now, we have actual furniture with no burns in it, scented candles and such, and when there's a group of people here, they're fishing, grilling, watching the ball game, etc.
It is entirely possible to turn both your social life and your home around. He isn't trapped.
It's also entirely possible to get praise/acknowledgement/ego boosts without drug addicts supplying that, too.
I agree with Ann, though - what are you going to do with your bright future?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Peppered, I am so very, very glad you are posting here. Ramble away! Post every 15 minutes! Post every 5 minutes! It is what we are here for.
You are absolutely right about his social group. However he is an adult and has the right to choose whoever he wants to be with . . .even if they are shallow, destructive users.
What is really important though is who you have in your life to support you right now. This is a super difficult time for all of us here. Leaving an addict is no joke. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are.
You are absolutely right about his social group. However he is an adult and has the right to choose whoever he wants to be with . . .even if they are shallow, destructive users.
What is really important though is who you have in your life to support you right now. This is a super difficult time for all of us here. Leaving an addict is no joke. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
Ramble if you need to. Heaven knows I do. It's cathartic, and the wonderful people here respond, no matter how many times you post :-)
as for friends... my son had some kind of hero complex. He'd meet people at meetings who didn't have a car/license (for good reason, of course) and he'd "adopt" them... drive them to meetings, become friends with. Huge mistake HUGE. He got used, BIG TIME! One of these dear friends STOLE HIS CAR a couple of weeks ago, and the cops treated my son like crap because, what the hell, he's just a drug addict, right?
I'm sure a lot of people at AA/NA meetings are there for the right reason -- recovery! But some are there (at NA anyway) because they're court mandated to attend and get a sheet signed -- it's that or jail. So they go to meetings, lie lie lie and are not clean or trying to be.
Anyway, I'm saying this because as others said, once he's really serious about recovery, these so-called friends will drop him in an instant. They're interested in being validated, using other people, etc.
God bless.
as for friends... my son had some kind of hero complex. He'd meet people at meetings who didn't have a car/license (for good reason, of course) and he'd "adopt" them... drive them to meetings, become friends with. Huge mistake HUGE. He got used, BIG TIME! One of these dear friends STOLE HIS CAR a couple of weeks ago, and the cops treated my son like crap because, what the hell, he's just a drug addict, right?
I'm sure a lot of people at AA/NA meetings are there for the right reason -- recovery! But some are there (at NA anyway) because they're court mandated to attend and get a sheet signed -- it's that or jail. So they go to meetings, lie lie lie and are not clean or trying to be.
Anyway, I'm saying this because as others said, once he's really serious about recovery, these so-called friends will drop him in an instant. They're interested in being validated, using other people, etc.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Process and vent away friend.
Addicts, and everyone else, normally socialize with like minded people, or at least enabling and encouraging of behavior that is not always the most healthy for body and/or mind. A big part of recovery, and relapse, is who you surround yourself with.
I know you have to look at all of this and dissect it. That's ok too. Just try not too hard to think too much into it that you are looking for excuses for him. You cannot blame bad behavior on anyone except one person, yourself. That applies to everyone. It also applies to him, and the choices he has made, regardless of friends.
Remember to take the time to focus on you, and your wants and needs. That is the most important issue at hand.
Many hugs.
Addicts, and everyone else, normally socialize with like minded people, or at least enabling and encouraging of behavior that is not always the most healthy for body and/or mind. A big part of recovery, and relapse, is who you surround yourself with.
I know you have to look at all of this and dissect it. That's ok too. Just try not too hard to think too much into it that you are looking for excuses for him. You cannot blame bad behavior on anyone except one person, yourself. That applies to everyone. It also applies to him, and the choices he has made, regardless of friends.
Remember to take the time to focus on you, and your wants and needs. That is the most important issue at hand.
Many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
If you need to post every hour - that's ok For eventually, you will grow into your new life and the wondering will cease. Give yourself time.
My exABF was, like most addicts, always ready to end his addictions.
Well, he did. Thru death. Heroin was never going to let him go. He left behind so many family members, friends, associates - whom all loved him. Truly loved him. He is they only one who could not see all of the great things he had to live for.
I'm sorry that this feeling is causing you angst, but sometimes, it's a path that you must walk thru, straight thru, to sort it out and KNOW where you wish to go. We are here as often as you need us. Keep reading the stickies at the top of the forum. They are gentle reminders of where we have been. Well, some not so gentle but truthful.
Hugs to you
Joie
For eventually, you will grow into your new life and the wondering will cease. Give yourself time.My exABF was, like most addicts, always ready to end his addictions.
Well, he did. Thru death. Heroin was never going to let him go. He left behind so many family members, friends, associates - whom all loved him. Truly loved him. He is they only one who could not see all of the great things he had to live for.
I'm sorry that this feeling is causing you angst, but sometimes, it's a path that you must walk thru, straight thru, to sort it out and KNOW where you wish to go. We are here as often as you need us. Keep reading the stickies at the top of the forum. They are gentle reminders of where we have been. Well, some not so gentle but truthful.
Hugs to you
Joie
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Peppered1
But my god we had a connection. Just not enough I guess...
For a addict, there is only one solid connection, and that's to the drugs he's taking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Friends of addicts certainly do not have the same level of emotional investment as the person wanting to love them, live with them and plan spending forever with them. But it’s the addict’s choice who he has around him. If getting clean/sober was a serious matter he would remove these people from his life but that is not the case with him, he doesn’t want to get clean/sober.
Now that you have stepped out of the picture and are away from it for a bit, you are going to begin your post mortem of him and the relationship discovering many hurtful truths you were not seeing while in the picture. It is going to be those hurtful things that you need to learn from.
Lesson #1……..addicts only “real” connection is to the drugs anything after that will always be secondary.
Now that you have stepped out of the picture and are away from it for a bit, you are going to begin your post mortem of him and the relationship discovering many hurtful truths you were not seeing while in the picture. It is going to be those hurtful things that you need to learn from.
Lesson #1……..addicts only “real” connection is to the drugs anything after that will always be secondary.
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