AS making me so angry-sapping my time and strength
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
AS making me so angry-sapping my time and strength
Update...re court case....luckily case was not filed, so no case essentially. However, my AS was so messed up that morning he could barely function. I was furious with him! I had to hold his hand and treat him like a 2 year old, constantly monitoring and trying to keep him to control himself. It's amazing it all turned out so well!
AS using more now that not on methadone and with his girlfriend. also taking xanax, which makes him nuts and caused the problems in the first place. He is delusional, hysterical, a total mess.
I know yelling at him and telling him what a mess he is isn't the way to deal with it, but I'm so mad at what I see. He is going downward. He has lost his wallet and id's etc about every other week. He can't remember anything. I have helped somewhat by making calls to replace some cards, etc, but he has to do more.
Today, after losing his 7th bus card, i'd had it. I got 1 more card and put some money on it and told him he would have to deal with it if he loses it again. Then today at the bank he left his bank card in the ATM and they called him to come get it. PRoblem is he doesn't have any ID, just a copy of it and was losing it in the bank. I had to go with him and basically coach him through the process and he finally got his card back.
He is a mess. He cannot function even at a basic level. He says he want to go to detox but we'll see. He has to make some calls too.
It is so painful and anger provoking to see him like this. I realize i have to cut loose more and not come to his rescue. but he truly seems unable to function. I vascillate between wondering if I should go to court to make him a legal dependent, but that would be like a noose around my neck!
My younger son can't stand what he sees my older AS put me through. I know I have to back off more, but having a hard time detaching with love. Every time I see him he yells at me and rants about the past etc, without even realizing how much of my time, gas, etc I am investing to help him with things.
It is becoming painfully obvious there is nothing I can do to help my AS. I can only pray he goes back to mental health for his counseling. Problem is I can't just tell him kindly. I get so angry. Whenever we see eachother it becomes a shouting match, until I finally catch myself, but it is soooooo challenging because he is acting like such a crazy, whiny child.
Help........how best to handle this and not let it make me nuts!
AS using more now that not on methadone and with his girlfriend. also taking xanax, which makes him nuts and caused the problems in the first place. He is delusional, hysterical, a total mess.
I know yelling at him and telling him what a mess he is isn't the way to deal with it, but I'm so mad at what I see. He is going downward. He has lost his wallet and id's etc about every other week. He can't remember anything. I have helped somewhat by making calls to replace some cards, etc, but he has to do more.
Today, after losing his 7th bus card, i'd had it. I got 1 more card and put some money on it and told him he would have to deal with it if he loses it again. Then today at the bank he left his bank card in the ATM and they called him to come get it. PRoblem is he doesn't have any ID, just a copy of it and was losing it in the bank. I had to go with him and basically coach him through the process and he finally got his card back.
He is a mess. He cannot function even at a basic level. He says he want to go to detox but we'll see. He has to make some calls too.
It is so painful and anger provoking to see him like this. I realize i have to cut loose more and not come to his rescue. but he truly seems unable to function. I vascillate between wondering if I should go to court to make him a legal dependent, but that would be like a noose around my neck!
My younger son can't stand what he sees my older AS put me through. I know I have to back off more, but having a hard time detaching with love. Every time I see him he yells at me and rants about the past etc, without even realizing how much of my time, gas, etc I am investing to help him with things.
It is becoming painfully obvious there is nothing I can do to help my AS. I can only pray he goes back to mental health for his counseling. Problem is I can't just tell him kindly. I get so angry. Whenever we see eachother it becomes a shouting match, until I finally catch myself, but it is soooooo challenging because he is acting like such a crazy, whiny child.
Help........how best to handle this and not let it make me nuts!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
((hug)) you need one.
Does he live with you? I am so sorry you're going through all of this; that we're all going through what we are! I think that if he is sincere about going into a rehab, help him with that.
Does he live with you? I am so sorry you're going through all of this; that we're all going through what we are! I think that if he is sincere about going into a rehab, help him with that.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I second that big hug!
I gently say to you, back off. At the very least, when he speaks to you, you deserve respect. You deserve calm. And you deserve to give that to yourself too. You know he is spinning out of control, but you definitely don't have to spin with him. Please don't become his legal guardian. That comes with a lot of responsibility and consequences for you that you don't want or need to take on.
If he want's detox, he can make the calls to get in. The more work they can put into their own recovery, the more they will get out of it. Xanax is a mind eraser. I am sure that is why he cannot remember anything. Eventually he is going to get himself into trouble and go to jail. I hate to say, that may be a blessing in disguise. Before you get upset that I say that, think about it.
I have listened to various testimonies at Celebrate Recovery of young people who would not get clean, no matter what, until they spent some real time in jail. And they still work on it, every single day.
You have the right to say NO, I cannot handle you right now. To close the door and tell him until he can speak to you with respect not to come back. You have to find an inner peace and calm, or he is going to drag you down with him. Think about it like putting the mask on the airplane. If you don't get your mask on soon, you will be of no use to anyone, not him either.
Much love and many hugs. I say this all with kindness in my heart because I know it's such a struggle. We are here for you!
I gently say to you, back off. At the very least, when he speaks to you, you deserve respect. You deserve calm. And you deserve to give that to yourself too. You know he is spinning out of control, but you definitely don't have to spin with him. Please don't become his legal guardian. That comes with a lot of responsibility and consequences for you that you don't want or need to take on.
If he want's detox, he can make the calls to get in. The more work they can put into their own recovery, the more they will get out of it. Xanax is a mind eraser. I am sure that is why he cannot remember anything. Eventually he is going to get himself into trouble and go to jail. I hate to say, that may be a blessing in disguise. Before you get upset that I say that, think about it.
I have listened to various testimonies at Celebrate Recovery of young people who would not get clean, no matter what, until they spent some real time in jail. And they still work on it, every single day.
You have the right to say NO, I cannot handle you right now. To close the door and tell him until he can speak to you with respect not to come back. You have to find an inner peace and calm, or he is going to drag you down with him. Think about it like putting the mask on the airplane. If you don't get your mask on soon, you will be of no use to anyone, not him either.
Much love and many hugs. I say this all with kindness in my heart because I know it's such a struggle. We are here for you!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
"I vascillate between wondering if I should go to court to make him a legal dependent, but that would be like a noose around my neck!"
We (my family and I) had considered guardianship for my B last year when he was off the rails but decided against it. 1) That would mean taking responsibility for someone who was out of control. 2) We had expended more than enough resources, e.g. money, time, energy, and were spent out. 3) The time it takes to work through to court system was far too long. We were in crisis control mode, so we needed immediate relief. 4) The likelihood of getting the petition approved was slim to done as the bar to impose guardianship in the state where B is is so high. The person needs to be practically brain dead for judges to determine incompetency. 5) The petition requires at least two, if I recall correctly, physicians or psychologists to write affidavits supporting guardianship. With privacy laws, the logistics of them evaluating him, etc., it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to obtain those.
I totally relate to what you are going through, vaya. My B lost his IDs multiple times. My father sent him his passport in the fall and lord knows if he still has that (his remaining ID).
I've been praying for you and will continue to do so.
We (my family and I) had considered guardianship for my B last year when he was off the rails but decided against it. 1) That would mean taking responsibility for someone who was out of control. 2) We had expended more than enough resources, e.g. money, time, energy, and were spent out. 3) The time it takes to work through to court system was far too long. We were in crisis control mode, so we needed immediate relief. 4) The likelihood of getting the petition approved was slim to done as the bar to impose guardianship in the state where B is is so high. The person needs to be practically brain dead for judges to determine incompetency. 5) The petition requires at least two, if I recall correctly, physicians or psychologists to write affidavits supporting guardianship. With privacy laws, the logistics of them evaluating him, etc., it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to obtain those.
I totally relate to what you are going through, vaya. My B lost his IDs multiple times. My father sent him his passport in the fall and lord knows if he still has that (his remaining ID).
I've been praying for you and will continue to do so.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you all. No he doesn't live with me. He has his own low income subsidized apartment. Now that he is 'on his own' he has gotten worse, since he doesn't live with me. He just got back into his apartment, which he almost lost, but was staying with addict girlfriend. Now that is over and he's back in his apartment for first time in weeks. i find myself trying to help him stay calm so he won't get kicked out again for good. Partially selfish reasons too, so at least he has somewhere to go without showing up at my doorstep.
I'm getting better about holding my ground on some things, but he keeps asking me for money. I don't always give in, would rather get him cigs, bus pass, etc and sometimes a few dollars. But he keeps losing his money or drugs he bought with his money. I tell him I can't help him, but don't want him to go off at his apartment.
I know this is sick. I can't continue to be emotionally blackmailed . I appreciate what you said about my deserving calm. I want to let go, but worry, given the way things have been. hard to tell what is drugs and what is mental illness. On the other hand, I know he will probably wind up in jail, again, the way things are going, which would ensure his safety. He's been numerous times before but doesn't change as a result.
It's clearly getting out of my hands. I leave the country for the first time in years at the end of July. I was worrying so much about him when I go, but it may be a blessing for both of us.
thanks for responding. It's not my first rodeo here. I am getting stronger in some ways, but still keep coming back here, because I don't get it deep down, only intellectually. At least he's out of the house. I don't help as much financially. I try to only be supportive when he is making steps in the right direction ( going to counseling, detox, job search, taking care of business). However, I am realizing more and more I've done all I can.
I'm getting better about holding my ground on some things, but he keeps asking me for money. I don't always give in, would rather get him cigs, bus pass, etc and sometimes a few dollars. But he keeps losing his money or drugs he bought with his money. I tell him I can't help him, but don't want him to go off at his apartment.
I know this is sick. I can't continue to be emotionally blackmailed . I appreciate what you said about my deserving calm. I want to let go, but worry, given the way things have been. hard to tell what is drugs and what is mental illness. On the other hand, I know he will probably wind up in jail, again, the way things are going, which would ensure his safety. He's been numerous times before but doesn't change as a result.
It's clearly getting out of my hands. I leave the country for the first time in years at the end of July. I was worrying so much about him when I go, but it may be a blessing for both of us.
thanks for responding. It's not my first rodeo here. I am getting stronger in some ways, but still keep coming back here, because I don't get it deep down, only intellectually. At least he's out of the house. I don't help as much financially. I try to only be supportive when he is making steps in the right direction ( going to counseling, detox, job search, taking care of business). However, I am realizing more and more I've done all I can.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Vaya, my heart and prayers go out for you. I know that sometimes we have to accept and deal with what is, and maybe even try to help the status quo to avoid losing our sons to the street.
For me it became impossible. I got my son into a clean house, one where he had half the house for himself and the other half was another sober person's space and home.
I bought him groceries, mostly the basics like bread and milk and vegetables and some meat...and he sold them for drugs.
I bought him a bus pass so he could go to meetings and report to his probation officer...and he sold it for drugs.
I bought him underwear, socks, and minimal clothing...and he sold it for drugs.
I bought him basic tools for his new job helping a renovator...and he sold them for drugs.
I helped him replace lost ID several times and still, he lost it again. I found out later that when he bought drugs he gave the dealer his ID to hold as security while he ran to the bank...and then he never went back.
I tried to buy his sobriety and he sold it every time. Basically, I became his supplier...giving him the means to buy his drugs. So he became a well dressed, well fed, sometimes employed addict who still chose addiction over the opportunity to live a good life sober.
I know how this breaks your heart, it broke mine too.
The thing is, Vaya, we just do what we can do to try to help and when it doesn't help anymore it's time to let them do it themselves.
I pray your son does better than mine, that he wakes up one day and realizes that he has a chance to be better, to do better and chooses a good path.
I pray that you don't mentally, physically, emotionally and financially exhaust yourself waiting for that to happen.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
For me it became impossible. I got my son into a clean house, one where he had half the house for himself and the other half was another sober person's space and home.
I bought him groceries, mostly the basics like bread and milk and vegetables and some meat...and he sold them for drugs.
I bought him a bus pass so he could go to meetings and report to his probation officer...and he sold it for drugs.
I bought him underwear, socks, and minimal clothing...and he sold it for drugs.
I bought him basic tools for his new job helping a renovator...and he sold them for drugs.
I helped him replace lost ID several times and still, he lost it again. I found out later that when he bought drugs he gave the dealer his ID to hold as security while he ran to the bank...and then he never went back.
I tried to buy his sobriety and he sold it every time. Basically, I became his supplier...giving him the means to buy his drugs. So he became a well dressed, well fed, sometimes employed addict who still chose addiction over the opportunity to live a good life sober.
I know how this breaks your heart, it broke mine too.
The thing is, Vaya, we just do what we can do to try to help and when it doesn't help anymore it's time to let them do it themselves.
I pray your son does better than mine, that he wakes up one day and realizes that he has a chance to be better, to do better and chooses a good path.
I pray that you don't mentally, physically, emotionally and financially exhaust yourself waiting for that to happen.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I could be really harsh here and tell you that all of your “help” is slowly killing your son by making it easier for him to obtain and put harsh chemicals into his body BUT that’s not what we seek when we first come to SR. Enabling is something we learn along the way and learn just how dangerous it is to their wellbeing as well as our own.
When we love someone so much like the love we have for a child we are willing to do just about anything to help them and to protect them BUT when addiction is added to that equation the reality is the love we show for them with the things we do for them and to help them, becomes detrimental to them and are no longer helpful.
Here’s an expression…….If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
When we love someone so much like the love we have for a child we are willing to do just about anything to help them and to protect them BUT when addiction is added to that equation the reality is the love we show for them with the things we do for them and to help them, becomes detrimental to them and are no longer helpful.
Here’s an expression…….If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad to hear you have a trip coming up. I hope you have no contact during that time, and give yourself permission to enjoy that time and have some peace.
Vaya, you are getting there. Letting it soak in intellectually is part of the battle. It's letting your heart follow suit that is the tough part.
Keep posting, keep venting. Take what helps, ignore the rest. Many, many hugs.
Vaya, you are getting there. Letting it soak in intellectually is part of the battle. It's letting your heart follow suit that is the tough part.
Keep posting, keep venting. Take what helps, ignore the rest. Many, many hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
"but still keep coming back here, because I don't get it deep down, only intellectually."
Huge hugs to you. I am right there with you. I get it "logically" but trying to reconcile that emotionally is a whole other battle. I don't have any advice, other than to let you know that you are not walking alone.
How do we shut off worry? How do we not wonder? Not try to make it better? How do we shut off our very minds to it?
I think atalose's quote is going to be my new manta : If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
so so true.
Huge hugs to you. I am right there with you. I get it "logically" but trying to reconcile that emotionally is a whole other battle. I don't have any advice, other than to let you know that you are not walking alone.
How do we shut off worry? How do we not wonder? Not try to make it better? How do we shut off our very minds to it?
I think atalose's quote is going to be my new manta : If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
so so true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
"but still keep coming back here, because I don't get it deep down, only intellectually."
Huge hugs to you. I am right there with you. I get it "logically" but trying to reconcile that emotionally is a whole other battle. I don't have any advice, other than to let you know that you are not walking alone.
How do we shut off worry? How do we not wonder? Not try to make it better? How do we shut off our very minds to it?
I think atalose's quote is going to be my new manta : If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
so so true.
Huge hugs to you. I am right there with you. I get it "logically" but trying to reconcile that emotionally is a whole other battle. I don't have any advice, other than to let you know that you are not walking alone.
How do we shut off worry? How do we not wonder? Not try to make it better? How do we shut off our very minds to it?
I think atalose's quote is going to be my new manta : If the addict is pleased with you…your probably enabling their behaviors. If an addict is pissed at you….your probably saving their life.
so so true.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you . Especially thank you for your empathy, not your criticism. it's hard enough to deal with all of this. Your words definitely make sense and strike a deeper nerve.
He does chose to live the life he does. There are many options available to him, but he only wants it his way. He'll go to counseling at mental health, but doesnt' want to continue since they won't give him Ativan. Everything he does basically has another agenda, than the one intended.
To his credit he has never stolen from me. I don't think he sells the bus cards because there is no activity on them and the balance is still on it.
He says his bank account is dwindling down. Maybe that will bring him to his senses, especially if I don't come to the rescue.
I'm getting tougher and saying no, but still afraid of how he'll react. however, all choices are his. I really like what was said about the addict being pissed at me if I don't give what he needs.
He does chose to live the life he does. There are many options available to him, but he only wants it his way. He'll go to counseling at mental health, but doesnt' want to continue since they won't give him Ativan. Everything he does basically has another agenda, than the one intended.
To his credit he has never stolen from me. I don't think he sells the bus cards because there is no activity on them and the balance is still on it.
He says his bank account is dwindling down. Maybe that will bring him to his senses, especially if I don't come to the rescue.
I'm getting tougher and saying no, but still afraid of how he'll react. however, all choices are his. I really like what was said about the addict being pissed at me if I don't give what he needs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Atalose, thanks for not using the harsh words. WE don't seek that when we first come here or when we keep coming back. When people tend to be harsh, even if it seems to call for it, I just stay away from here. Just like the addict, people can try to 'force' the truth on codies, but the codie will only come around when they're sick and tired of being sick and tired. May come easier for some, but we codies and mamas are suffering from an affliction too. I just find the emphathetic approach or simple sharing one's experience, strength and hope more effective to help me better grasp my own situation and do more about it. So I appreciate that you didn't respond that way, whether or not it is true.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by vaya 
I'm getting tougher and saying no, but still afraid of how he'll react.
When we become comfortable with our own emotions, when we understand why we react and respond the way we do in our own lives, then we stop being afraid of others emotions.
It took me several years of therapy -- because of my RAD -- to know and become comfortable with myself. Everything fell into place after that.
Best wishes to you, vaya.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: North Richland Hills, Texas
Posts: 36
Vaya, I think I am on, t,he same bus you are on.. but my AD still lives at home.. She is leaving for rehab # 6,8,10 (read the sticky from the top of the forum wanted to cry it was so much like my own experiences.
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