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-   -   Why do I continue to engage? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/392980-why-do-i-continue-engage.html)

peacelovesober 06-14-2016 12:28 PM

Why do I continue to engage?
 
Hi all. Been a bit since i have posted and i have not been to alanon other than online.

Some background. AH has had a substance abuse issues for nearly 30 years 8 of those with me. I am sober almost 4 years. I have come to the realization that its over. Even if he got sober tomorrow and was that "great guy" I don't want to be around to see it. I care very deeply for him but have no desire to continue any kind of life with him. He has relapsed horribly and is on a waiting list for a center where he has to call each day. Looks like about 2 weeks before he is gone. If he is not in treatment by then he will be legally evicted and he can go anywhere but home.

I completely understand that its over and we have too many years of lies and broken promises and let downs to repair. He says he wants help but his actions say he does not and I finally am getting better at understanding that. From my own and others ESH I realize itd time to live my life and let him live his (if that's what we call it).

So here is my question. I still engage in the quackery and crazy cycle. I still listen to him and get upset about how foolish and childish he is. His lies and lackadaisical attitude enrage me and I can say mean and hurtful things.

Why am I doing this? I am trying to control it but sometimes its like i just explode. Any advice on how to deal?

AnvilheadII 06-14-2016 01:05 PM

i imagine part of it is just good ole habit.......we do what we know. you've engaged with him for a long time, and even the crazy is familiar. i like the term "uncomfortable comfort zone" - it's itchy like a wool sweater on a 90 degree day, but dammit, it's OUR sweater!!!

you can start limiting the time you allow yourself to interact with him. if he calls, set a timer, 5 mins, 8, 2, whatever you can handle and when it goes ding, you get off the phone. and if he starts on before the timer goes off, you get off the phone. if it's in person, you limit that as well. pick a day of the week for that.

we have to teach ourselves new habits and new behaviors. and it takes time. hang in there.

WeakGirl 06-15-2016 12:59 PM

"I still listen to him and get upset about how foolish and childish he is. His lies and lackadaisical attitude enrage me and I can say mean and hurtful things."

I think you're still working on detaching. You may know that the relationship is at its end but you still think of him as yours. The more you separate your emotions from him, the less these things will matter. Would you become "enraged" if my husband, whom you don't know, was lackadaisical? Nope. This is still bothering you because you still have feelings about him, even if they aren't feelings of affection. Keep working on detaching your feelings from him, I think.

atalose 06-15-2016 01:06 PM


So here is my question. I still engage in the quackery and crazy cycle. I still listen to him and get upset about how foolish and childish he is. His lies and lackadaisical attitude enrage me and I can say mean and hurtful things.

Why am I doing this? I am trying to control it but sometimes its like i just explode. Any advice on how to deal?
I think you answered your own question with your first paragraph.


Hi all. Been a bit since i have posted and i have not been to alanon other than online.
I didn't know how to change my old habits until I learned new ones in al-anon and coming here to SR often.

hopeful4 06-15-2016 01:19 PM

It's so hard.

It will be easier if he is out, then you can choose not to have contact, at least for a period of time to get yourself together on this.

I like the timer idea.

Many hugs!

zoso77 06-15-2016 04:41 PM


Any advice on how to deal?
Sure.

If you want to be done, be done.

Hold firm on your decision.

Ride out the ensuing emotional storm.

And then look in your rearview mirror only to find him a spec.

peacelovesober 06-15-2016 06:23 PM

Zoso I have come to so appreciate your input. I know so clearly that I have to stay in my program and i had a momentary lapse. I am determined to stay strong in this program and here on SR. Thank God our rear view mirrors are smaller than our windshield. There is a big beautiful world full of the best for me.

Anvil yes the time limit is a good. I actually worked a long shift today and blocked his number. So i had no idea if he waz or wasn't calling or texting. When I got home he was upset because there was an "emergency " and he couldn't reach me. I said oh odd everything looks ok so thanks for taking care of the emergency. I don't think he knew what to say so he just went out on the patio.

Atalose and weak girl. Thanks for the reality check. Its hard but with boundaries and putting good in are the key. I had sorta stopped working on me to deal with the chaos.

Thanks everyone for always giving me good stern wisdom in a gentle way. Helpful it will be better when he is gone


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