Reassurance about how I left.
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Reassurance about how I left.
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man who is addicted to cocaine and uses multiple other drugs. He has in past completed full na program, before we met. Since we met he once attempted again,when I left him, but he went back to using. I have found the whole experience of loving someone with an addiction has caused me awful anxiety. Couldnt make sense of a lot of things. He has never been anythingg but loving kind and gentle. My question is the guilt i feel about how we broke up this time. He hasnt exactly been hiding his use, per se, but its obvious he is using. We had a arranged a date and when I met him he told me out straight that he hadnt slept in 2 days. My anxiety just kicked in. I literally got up and walked out of his house and ran at full speed to my car. It sounds crazy. But it was like a knee jerk reaction. My body and mind saying run from this. I wrote after to say We had to finish. I feel such guilt but i said i couldnt meet him either to talk or say goodbye as to be honest, I dont trust that we wouldnt slip into the old pattern. I love him but recently the lies and the secrecy has become so obvious to me. I think even he can tell he cant hold the secret life together and it felt like he had a double life. I blocked him from fb as I cant fall into it again. And i feel very guilty over this but i feel its a the point of all or nothing. Im either all in, fully supportive and try to support and live and understand addiction or im all out, accept it and move on. I love him and he loves me (i almost 100% sure he loves me although all the lies and stuff has made me question everything) just hoping that I am not a cruel person for the manner in which its come to this. As I ran from his house he came out and called me and I said f*ck off in anger. We never talk like that to eachother so partly why I want out too, as im getting angry and resentful with him.
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the very BEST thing to do when faced with a cokehead who has been up for two/three DAYS is to run like hell. he was NOT in his right mind....he certainly didn't put much thought into your date. his problem is something you are best far clear of. you protected yourself. that is commendable.
addiction is cruel and ruthless.
addiction is cruel and ruthless.
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[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;5996853]the very BEST thing to do when faced with a cokehead who has been up for two/three DAYS is to run like hell. he was NOT in his right mind....he certainly didn't put much thought into your date. his problem is something you are best far clear of. you protected yourself. that is commendable.
addiction is cruel and ruthless.[/QUOTE
Thanks Anvilhead for your reply. I appreciate it. Its confusing and difficult and hard to come to grips with looking back on all the times it was so goddamn obvious that he was coked and I didnt realise. I was looking up symptons for adult adhd, even though I was aware that he was a coke addict. It never struck me he could be doing it any time day or night or without saying it to me. Makes me sad as feel some of our moments werent real, sorry for going on and thanks again.
addiction is cruel and ruthless.[/QUOTE
Thanks Anvilhead for your reply. I appreciate it. Its confusing and difficult and hard to come to grips with looking back on all the times it was so goddamn obvious that he was coked and I didnt realise. I was looking up symptons for adult adhd, even though I was aware that he was a coke addict. It never struck me he could be doing it any time day or night or without saying it to me. Makes me sad as feel some of our moments werent real, sorry for going on and thanks again.
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what you experienced was real for you........so what you thought, what you felt, what you believed, that was your reality. but it also shows how much we can con ourselves, what we can believe is the truth when there is plain evidence to the contrary, we run everything thru the filter of our own imagining.
and then life slaps us upside the head with indisputable FACTS.
be glad you woke up!
and then life slaps us upside the head with indisputable FACTS.
be glad you woke up!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have found the whole experience of loving someone with an addiction has caused me awful anxiety. Couldnt make sense of a lot of things.
YOU didn't cause him to use when you left, HE chose to use. Nothing you do or don't do, say or don't say will change how he is, only he can do that and it doesn't sound like he is even close to trying...no matter what he says, his actions speak louder than words.
When you ran out, your instincts were right on the target. You were in danger and it's never a good place to be when addiction is in the room.
It may hurt for a while, but you are wise to cut him from fb and your life. Leaving now may be painful but staying will be far worse.
Trust your instincts and keep yourself safe. Take your lesson from all this and run.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Anvilhead is so right.
I once read that meth in and of itself does not cause psychosis- it's the lack of sleep that does. So the same could certainly be applied to coke. And you are right that some of your moments weren't real. That's sad, I know, and very hard to accept.
I think you did the right thing and hope you can stay strong. Even if he were to start a rehab program he will need time to focus on that before he can be in a meaningful relationship.
Best of luck.
I once read that meth in and of itself does not cause psychosis- it's the lack of sleep that does. So the same could certainly be applied to coke. And you are right that some of your moments weren't real. That's sad, I know, and very hard to accept.
I think you did the right thing and hope you can stay strong. Even if he were to start a rehab program he will need time to focus on that before he can be in a meaningful relationship.
Best of luck.
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Peppered:
Bravo to you for doing the absolutely RIGHT thing. In my mind it doesn't matter so much HOW you left, but that you DID leave. Sometimes a person needs to make a MUCH faster exit than they end up doing simply because they 'worry' so much about how the addict will react and they worry what the addict will NEXT DO. The best thing you can do is wash your hands of it...crack heads/coke heads, well all drug addicts, really, can be dangerous and your own instincts kicked in there at the right time and steered you in a safe direction. Sorry you are going through this and just remember: your safety and well being come first.
Best to you. Hang in there.
Bravo to you for doing the absolutely RIGHT thing. In my mind it doesn't matter so much HOW you left, but that you DID leave. Sometimes a person needs to make a MUCH faster exit than they end up doing simply because they 'worry' so much about how the addict will react and they worry what the addict will NEXT DO. The best thing you can do is wash your hands of it...crack heads/coke heads, well all drug addicts, really, can be dangerous and your own instincts kicked in there at the right time and steered you in a safe direction. Sorry you are going through this and just remember: your safety and well being come first.
Best to you. Hang in there.
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To be clear. I didnt feel in any physical danger. He is not aggressive in that way (although he he notorious for verbal confrontations, no cursing, more like being provocative and pushing people to a point argumentatively that they break down) i wasnt scared of his. But the dark room, the atmosphere, thr feeling of not knowing who he is anymore. Thats what made me run. He has never hurt me physically but thats not releveant but had to clear it up so I didnt mislead anyone.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
Your instincts were spot on.
You got up and ran? That's perfectly fine. You're allowed to exit however you need to exit.
It may make me sound cold-hearted, but on some level, I think a clean break is the best break when it is possible. Emotional speeches about the hows and whys only leave room for the person being left to argue, beg or plead. Reasons sound like things they can promise to fix in an attempt to save the relationship. I've done it. "You don't like breathing? I won't breathe anymore!!!" I only have one ex whom I still cherish and his breakup speech was, "I don't want to be a couple anymore." Nothing more and nothing less.
In the end, I think you have to take care of you. No one else is going to do it for you.
You got up and ran? That's perfectly fine. You're allowed to exit however you need to exit.
It may make me sound cold-hearted, but on some level, I think a clean break is the best break when it is possible. Emotional speeches about the hows and whys only leave room for the person being left to argue, beg or plead. Reasons sound like things they can promise to fix in an attempt to save the relationship. I've done it. "You don't like breathing? I won't breathe anymore!!!" I only have one ex whom I still cherish and his breakup speech was, "I don't want to be a couple anymore." Nothing more and nothing less.
In the end, I think you have to take care of you. No one else is going to do it for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by Peppered1 
To be clear. I didnt feel in any physical danger. He is not aggressive in that way (although he he notorious for verbal confrontations, no cursing, more like being provocative and pushing people to a point argumentatively that they break down) i wasnt scared of his. But the dark room, the atmosphere, thr feeling of not knowing who he is anymore. Thats what made me run. He has never hurt me physically but thats not releveant but had to clear it up so I didnt mislead anyone.
I can relate to the dark room and the atmosphere. I remember my STBX accompanied me to Sacramento to go to my cousin's wedding. He wasn't invited (in fact, he was very clearly uninvited after all he's put my family through), but he wanted to come along and stay in the hotel while the kids and I went. We were there for a few days, and every time the kids and I would return to the room it was dark and musty- it just seemed full of misery. It was frightening seeing him so comfortable in that atmosphere while we'd been out enjoying life. There was nothing more he wanted, really.
Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What are you feeling guilty about? Were you the one buying him the coke and other stuff? Forcing it up his nose and down his throat? Leaving a very unhealthy situation with someone out of their mind on drugs?
What's the guilt about? We often own guilt that is not ours to own and that's just not healthy.
When we think about ending a relationship we have a notion that it is supposed to end almost as romantic as it began with everything all said and wrapped up 2 healthy people ending an adult relationship that just isn't working out.
Someone jacked up on coke and whatever else is not normal, is not healthy so we can't expect the relationship to end on a perceived normal note.
You did the absolute best thing you could do for yourself at that moment and that’s a good thing!!
What's the guilt about? We often own guilt that is not ours to own and that's just not healthy.
When we think about ending a relationship we have a notion that it is supposed to end almost as romantic as it began with everything all said and wrapped up 2 healthy people ending an adult relationship that just isn't working out.
Someone jacked up on coke and whatever else is not normal, is not healthy so we can't expect the relationship to end on a perceived normal note.
You did the absolute best thing you could do for yourself at that moment and that’s a good thing!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by WeakGirl
Your instincts were spot on.
You got up and ran? That's perfectly fine. You're allowed to exit however you need to exit.
It may make me sound cold-hearted, but on some level, I think a clean break is the best break when it is possible. Emotional speeches about the hows and whys only leave room for the person being left to argue, beg or plead. Reasons sound like things they can promise to fix in an attempt to save the relationship. I've done it. "You don't like breathing? I won't breathe anymore!!!" I only have one ex whom I still cherish and his breakup speech was, "I don't want to be a couple anymore." Nothing more and nothing less.
In the end, I think you have to take care of you. No one else is going to do it for you.
You got up and ran? That's perfectly fine. You're allowed to exit however you need to exit.
It may make me sound cold-hearted, but on some level, I think a clean break is the best break when it is possible. Emotional speeches about the hows and whys only leave room for the person being left to argue, beg or plead. Reasons sound like things they can promise to fix in an attempt to save the relationship. I've done it. "You don't like breathing? I won't breathe anymore!!!" I only have one ex whom I still cherish and his breakup speech was, "I don't want to be a couple anymore." Nothing more and nothing less.
In the end, I think you have to take care of you. No one else is going to do it for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
what you experienced was real for you........so what you thought, what you felt, what you believed, that was your reality. but it also shows how much we can con ourselves, what we can believe is the truth when there is plain evidence to the contrary, we run everything thru the filter of our own imagining.
and then life slaps us upside the head with indisputable FACTS.
be glad you woke up!
and then life slaps us upside the head with indisputable FACTS.
be glad you woke up!
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
You ran as fast as you could, that is awesome.
You have no reason to feel ANY guilt..
NO CONTACT is best.. It is SO easy to get sucked back into a relationship when there is any communication..
Then the cycle just starts all over again..
It's NOT worth it
You have no reason to feel ANY guilt..
NO CONTACT is best.. It is SO easy to get sucked back into a relationship when there is any communication..
Then the cycle just starts all over again..
It's NOT worth it
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
My anxiety just kicked in. I literally got up and walked out of his house and ran at full speed to my car. It sounds crazy. But it was like a knee jerk reaction. My body and mind saying run from this. [/QUOTE]
I did the same thing when my fears were confirmed when my husband didn't come home from work one night because he was on a binge. I literally packed some things up for my kids and I and I ran out of the house and haven't gone back home since...that was over 9 weeks ago. My adrenaline kicked in and said run like hell and get out of this environment. I was thinking for weeks should I have just stayed and waited till he came home the next morning? But now I know NO WAY! He would have been in god knows what shape and I would have been furious and my children would have been subjected to that. I know how you felt when you ran...fight or flight kicked in and we chose to flight. I think that is the best decision when dealing with addiction.
I did the same thing when my fears were confirmed when my husband didn't come home from work one night because he was on a binge. I literally packed some things up for my kids and I and I ran out of the house and haven't gone back home since...that was over 9 weeks ago. My adrenaline kicked in and said run like hell and get out of this environment. I was thinking for weeks should I have just stayed and waited till he came home the next morning? But now I know NO WAY! He would have been in god knows what shape and I would have been furious and my children would have been subjected to that. I know how you felt when you ran...fight or flight kicked in and we chose to flight. I think that is the best decision when dealing with addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by Peppered1
To be clear. I didnt feel in any physical danger. He is not aggressive in that way (although he he notorious for verbal confrontations, no cursing, more like being provocative and pushing people to a point argumentatively that they break down) i wasnt scared of his. But the dark room, the atmosphere, thr feeling of not knowing who he is anymore. Thats what made me run. He has never hurt me physically but thats not releveant but had to clear it up so I didnt mislead anyone.
"Yet", I added because verbal/emotional abusers have a tendency to progress to physical abuse. And, what is considered lighter abuse can get more harmful, more frequent, and more damaging. In other words, abuse tends to gets worse, just as addiction does. I'll see if I can find a link and post it, but I recall learning this chilling information years ago.
Physical and Emotional Abuse Usually Travel Together.
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/ad...avel-together/
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Thx for your thread/post. I am glad you are safe! I am glad you got out of that bad atmosphere. So, he is not the physically aggressive type (yet). But your instincts are telling you a lot. We tend to second guess ourselves.
"Yet", I added because verbal/emotional abusers have a tendency to progress to physical abuse. And, what is considered lighter abuse can get more harmful, more frequent, and more damaging. In other words, abuse tends to gets worse, just as addiction does. I'll see if I can find a link and post it, but I recall learning this chilling information years ago.
Physical and Emotional Abuse Usually Travel Together.
Physical and Emotional Abuse Usually Travel Together - HealthyPlace
"Yet", I added because verbal/emotional abusers have a tendency to progress to physical abuse. And, what is considered lighter abuse can get more harmful, more frequent, and more damaging. In other words, abuse tends to gets worse, just as addiction does. I'll see if I can find a link and post it, but I recall learning this chilling information years ago.
Physical and Emotional Abuse Usually Travel Together.
Physical and Emotional Abuse Usually Travel Together - HealthyPlace
Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Hi Peppered, I'm chiming in here a bit late and seconding what everyone else said.
In a way, addiction is a force of nature. You avoid this force of nature by running like hell. We tell many people to do this but you are one of the few I have read that actually did RUN.
My hat is off to you lady; congratulations for having a rare and extremely valuable instinct. May it always serve you as well as it did on this occasion.
In a way, addiction is a force of nature. You avoid this force of nature by running like hell. We tell many people to do this but you are one of the few I have read that actually did RUN.
My hat is off to you lady; congratulations for having a rare and extremely valuable instinct. May it always serve you as well as it did on this occasion.
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