Wasting So Much Time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
Wasting So Much Time
Hey SR
feeling like I need to vent today.
I still haven't mustered up the courage to leave my totally messed up relationship with my ABF. I'm trying to focus on what's wrong with myself, considering all I think about these days is what's wrong with him.
Let's see, I'll be 27 in August and I feel like my life is meaningless.
Recently I reapplied to 2 universities, but even if I get in to school .... I'm so on the fence about going back. I dropped out 6 years ago when I was involved in *shocker* another bad/abusive relationship. What is it that holds me back? Holds so many of us Codie's back? I have always been a procrastinator in so many ways in my life, it's a trait about myself I hate so much but find so hard to change. It's what makes it difficult for me to do things that are necessary when I should.
I shouldhave left my relationship forever ago. But I keep telling myself ... Later, do it later. Or ... I project the idea & the hope that "maybe it will get better". But it never does. I'm a strong woman who has endured a lot in my young years of life. I should be able to conquer this. But I can't. And that's the codependent in me. I so badly want my ABF to see the light and find his way out of the darkness that is opiate addiction.
But now I see I am just wasting time, projecting my hopes onto someone who can barely even take care of themselves. At 30, my ABF acts more like an out of control 18 year old.
Only I know when enough is enough.
And I feel like I HAVE had enough. But I have somehow lost all self
Respect and dignity along the way that I feel trapped with him.
Even though he is deep in his addiction, I am still in so love with this man. Mesmerized by him still at times. The thought of actually losing him, breaking contact, us becoming strangers ...... It seems impossible.
But living with someone in active addiction also is impossible. He is very manipulative and has somehow managed to make everything my fault.
I have come to the sad realization that this man will likely use drugs forever. His childish reasoning of, life is boring without drugs, just makes me want to scream. He loves anything to do with using substances to get high. He glories and glamorizes drug use. It also makes me want to scream that this man wastes his incredible potential.
Does anyone else feel like as a codependent, living with an addict it feels as though weeks fly by in a heartbeat? Even though chaotic, and so much is happening... I feel like time is just being so badly wasted. Suddenly it's June, and nothing has changed since March when I began posting here again. Not only has all my self respect gone out the window, but so has basically all respect my ABF had for me as well. To quote him after I contronted him about his vicious name calling and mocking, his reply - "why do I talk to you like this? Because you're you. I can talk to YOU however the F I want". And he does.
I guess it feels good to vent here to you guys. It's crazy to me how codependency creates the same type of "grip" that an addicts DOC would have on them.
I wonder if I will ever regain control & figure out how to live .... Free
feeling like I need to vent today.
I still haven't mustered up the courage to leave my totally messed up relationship with my ABF. I'm trying to focus on what's wrong with myself, considering all I think about these days is what's wrong with him.
Let's see, I'll be 27 in August and I feel like my life is meaningless.
Recently I reapplied to 2 universities, but even if I get in to school .... I'm so on the fence about going back. I dropped out 6 years ago when I was involved in *shocker* another bad/abusive relationship. What is it that holds me back? Holds so many of us Codie's back? I have always been a procrastinator in so many ways in my life, it's a trait about myself I hate so much but find so hard to change. It's what makes it difficult for me to do things that are necessary when I should.
I shouldhave left my relationship forever ago. But I keep telling myself ... Later, do it later. Or ... I project the idea & the hope that "maybe it will get better". But it never does. I'm a strong woman who has endured a lot in my young years of life. I should be able to conquer this. But I can't. And that's the codependent in me. I so badly want my ABF to see the light and find his way out of the darkness that is opiate addiction.
But now I see I am just wasting time, projecting my hopes onto someone who can barely even take care of themselves. At 30, my ABF acts more like an out of control 18 year old.
Only I know when enough is enough.
And I feel like I HAVE had enough. But I have somehow lost all self
Respect and dignity along the way that I feel trapped with him.
Even though he is deep in his addiction, I am still in so love with this man. Mesmerized by him still at times. The thought of actually losing him, breaking contact, us becoming strangers ...... It seems impossible.
But living with someone in active addiction also is impossible. He is very manipulative and has somehow managed to make everything my fault.
I have come to the sad realization that this man will likely use drugs forever. His childish reasoning of, life is boring without drugs, just makes me want to scream. He loves anything to do with using substances to get high. He glories and glamorizes drug use. It also makes me want to scream that this man wastes his incredible potential.
Does anyone else feel like as a codependent, living with an addict it feels as though weeks fly by in a heartbeat? Even though chaotic, and so much is happening... I feel like time is just being so badly wasted. Suddenly it's June, and nothing has changed since March when I began posting here again. Not only has all my self respect gone out the window, but so has basically all respect my ABF had for me as well. To quote him after I contronted him about his vicious name calling and mocking, his reply - "why do I talk to you like this? Because you're you. I can talk to YOU however the F I want". And he does.
I guess it feels good to vent here to you guys. It's crazy to me how codependency creates the same type of "grip" that an addicts DOC would have on them.
I wonder if I will ever regain control & figure out how to live .... Free
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: NYC area
Posts: 856
Take care of you, first.
As a mom, my advice is always GO TO SCHOOL! Even if you take one class to get started. The more education you have, the better off you will be in life, both from a socioeconomic point of view, but also from self-esteem (personal satisfaction).
Just my 2 cents.
As a mom, my advice is always GO TO SCHOOL! Even if you take one class to get started. The more education you have, the better off you will be in life, both from a socioeconomic point of view, but also from self-esteem (personal satisfaction).
Just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Yes, I understand the feeling of wasted time. I understand what it feels like to think about all the memories we could be and SHOULD be making as a family while he's out getting high, out stealing to get high, sitting in jail for being caught, etc etc. I understand watching another humans potential disappear while not being able to save them from themselves. I understand being told "If I want to live this way just LET ME LIVE THIS WAY!"
While he is in active addiction, you will always come second to the drug. I know because I've been there. It sucks, it HURTS, but you can't change that. The truth is you will reach a place of really not being able to handle it anymore. You will reach your "rock bottom" in the relationship and unfortunately the love you had/have for him will be overpowered by the lack of strength you have to try again. I know, because I think I may have reached that point myself. This is when you will reach a moment of emotional clarity and realize you being treated this way in a relationship is not right, and you are worthy of so much more. The truth is, you will find peace and strength beyond this active addiction. I believe that because I've read that by many people here who have walked these miles before and made it out!
While he is in active addiction, you will always come second to the drug. I know because I've been there. It sucks, it HURTS, but you can't change that. The truth is you will reach a place of really not being able to handle it anymore. You will reach your "rock bottom" in the relationship and unfortunately the love you had/have for him will be overpowered by the lack of strength you have to try again. I know, because I think I may have reached that point myself. This is when you will reach a moment of emotional clarity and realize you being treated this way in a relationship is not right, and you are worthy of so much more. The truth is, you will find peace and strength beyond this active addiction. I believe that because I've read that by many people here who have walked these miles before and made it out!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
mkr,
You are still so young and can accomplish so much for your life! Your post made me think back to when I was 27 (I'm 37 now) I had just left a abusive marriage to an addict and was likewise going to enroll in college, but for some reason I didn't. ( I was a single mom of 5 kids) Now ten years later I think back and WISH I would of put a few years of "work" into my future. Because here I'm AGAIN leaving an abusive marriage to a different addict and I've always been a homemaker (which I love) , but boy do I wish I had some rock solid educational skills. Just my two cents about that.
Now I have been in 3 relationships with abusive addicts. Each said they were going to stop their DOC, blamed me, etc. etc.
It has been years since I have been with the first two and you know what they are STILL using. In and out of jail for drug offenses. One doesn't work AT ALL so he does not pay his child support.
The one I'm married to now, he's 47, this had been his lifestyle for his entire life. So even though I'm still in love with him I know the likely hood of him changing his ways is slim. So I'm filing for divorce.
If after all the bad choices I've made in my life I can look myself in the mirror and love and forgive myself and have self-respect then I KNOW you can.
YOU are worth a better relationship.
YOUR future is WORTH investing in now
You DESERVE all of this and MORE
You are still so young and can accomplish so much for your life! Your post made me think back to when I was 27 (I'm 37 now) I had just left a abusive marriage to an addict and was likewise going to enroll in college, but for some reason I didn't. ( I was a single mom of 5 kids) Now ten years later I think back and WISH I would of put a few years of "work" into my future. Because here I'm AGAIN leaving an abusive marriage to a different addict and I've always been a homemaker (which I love) , but boy do I wish I had some rock solid educational skills. Just my two cents about that.
Now I have been in 3 relationships with abusive addicts. Each said they were going to stop their DOC, blamed me, etc. etc.
It has been years since I have been with the first two and you know what they are STILL using. In and out of jail for drug offenses. One doesn't work AT ALL so he does not pay his child support.
The one I'm married to now, he's 47, this had been his lifestyle for his entire life. So even though I'm still in love with him I know the likely hood of him changing his ways is slim. So I'm filing for divorce.
If after all the bad choices I've made in my life I can look myself in the mirror and love and forgive myself and have self-respect then I KNOW you can.
YOU are worth a better relationship.
YOUR future is WORTH investing in now
You DESERVE all of this and MORE
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I so badly want my ABF to see the light and find his way out of the darkness that is opiate addiction.
perhaps it is not HE he needs to see the light.
It also makes me want to scream that this man wastes his incredible potential.
and what are you doing with your potential? it's time to quit looking at what HE is not doing and what life HE is wasting, and GET BUSY.
perhaps it is not HE he needs to see the light.
It also makes me want to scream that this man wastes his incredible potential.
and what are you doing with your potential? it's time to quit looking at what HE is not doing and what life HE is wasting, and GET BUSY.
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