Why am I not worth it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Why am I not worth it?
Why can't he fight this to save our marriage and for our two young beautiful children? I've been waiting 9 long weeks for my husband to succumb to his addictions and go get help. He keeps saying he's going to go to detox and rehab but he still hasn't gone. I don't understand why we are supposed to treat addiction as a disease? If someone has cancer, don't they fight like hell to beat it? Why isn't he doing that?!?! I have so many strong days but today I feel so weak. The kids and I have left the house...shouldn't this be his rock bottom? When is it ever going to hit him that he's loosing so much!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
The question of many who are involved with an addict. I used to think my father didn't love me because he was always drunk, making promises, forgetting everything and basically being horrid. My Mom, his drinking buddy of sorts, was completely overwhelmed with 5 kids and 'managing' the addiction. So no Mom either. Addiction affects the whole family and everyone seems to play their role.
You don't have to treat addiction as a disease. I think that term is used because if left untreated it progresses in the same way a disease does. And recovery is really just remission. The addiction is still there, but it is being treated.
Sooo what to do? Take care of yourself and the kids. Get educated and get help. Al anon etc. Al anon can seem weird at first because it asks you, the apparent victim, to take care of your side of the condition. As if you have a problem. But often the spouse, child, friend, parent etc of the addict are part of the progression of the addiction. The enabler, the codie for example.
You can't change him. You can only protect you and clearly communicate your needs and intentions. The rest is up to him.
You don't have to treat addiction as a disease. I think that term is used because if left untreated it progresses in the same way a disease does. And recovery is really just remission. The addiction is still there, but it is being treated.
Sooo what to do? Take care of yourself and the kids. Get educated and get help. Al anon etc. Al anon can seem weird at first because it asks you, the apparent victim, to take care of your side of the condition. As if you have a problem. But often the spouse, child, friend, parent etc of the addict are part of the progression of the addiction. The enabler, the codie for example.
You can't change him. You can only protect you and clearly communicate your needs and intentions. The rest is up to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
IMO, addiction at a certain point is most like having the body taken over by a parasite...and that parasite first gets rid of anything that might interfere with getting fed. So it attacks the parts of the brain that involve higher intellectual processes like responsibility, love for others, and the cognitive ability to accurate evaluate the situation.
He doesn't care about you or your children because the addiction has erased that part of him...it might interfere. As for hitting rock bottom...it takes an enormous amount of strength and mental clarity for an advanced addict to even realize they're close to it. In the end, nothing exists but the need.
It isn't you, it isn't anything you did or said or are. It's a biochemical process that can only be stopped by the addict.
I hope you can find some real life support.
Sending you a hug.
He doesn't care about you or your children because the addiction has erased that part of him...it might interfere. As for hitting rock bottom...it takes an enormous amount of strength and mental clarity for an advanced addict to even realize they're close to it. In the end, nothing exists but the need.
It isn't you, it isn't anything you did or said or are. It's a biochemical process that can only be stopped by the addict.
I hope you can find some real life support.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Sunshine,
I'm so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. I know the pain of loving somebody so much and wanting them to love you back just as fiercely, but the drugs stunt that love and concern while they are using.
I'm finally and am painfully coming to the conclusion that my marriage is over. And I'm STILL in love with my husband, but he loves crack more then me and his kids. You would think my AH would of already hit "rock bottom". He went to prison for 12 yrs, lost everything. Got sober, gained a quality life back. Used again, lost everything again. Went to jail again.
For some reason I believed him that he wanted us, so I reconciled with him and after 2 months he moved back in with me. One week later he used again and never came home. That was almost a month ago.
He says he wants to get help...but...never does...
I come from a family of addicts.. Mom, Dad, Brother, etc. They in my opinion should have hit rock bottom by now as each of them has suffered tremendous lost YET each of them still use. It makes no sense.
And that is the point..addiction is insane...and painful
Of course there IS always hope. But please don't waste your life, your peace, your happiness.. Your doing the RIGHT thing
Please take care..much love
I'm so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. I know the pain of loving somebody so much and wanting them to love you back just as fiercely, but the drugs stunt that love and concern while they are using.
I'm finally and am painfully coming to the conclusion that my marriage is over. And I'm STILL in love with my husband, but he loves crack more then me and his kids. You would think my AH would of already hit "rock bottom". He went to prison for 12 yrs, lost everything. Got sober, gained a quality life back. Used again, lost everything again. Went to jail again.
For some reason I believed him that he wanted us, so I reconciled with him and after 2 months he moved back in with me. One week later he used again and never came home. That was almost a month ago.
He says he wants to get help...but...never does...
I come from a family of addicts.. Mom, Dad, Brother, etc. They in my opinion should have hit rock bottom by now as each of them has suffered tremendous lost YET each of them still use. It makes no sense.
And that is the point..addiction is insane...and painful
Of course there IS always hope. But please don't waste your life, your peace, your happiness.. Your doing the RIGHT thing
Please take care..much love
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Sunshine wish we all had a magic wand for this.. its so hard.. never gets better.. not really... my Pop died and never realized what a great bunch of Daughters and Grand Kids he had and never saw any of the 15 Great Grand Kids... sometimes I am very sad that he never knew of any of that joy... we just keep trying kiddo prayers love and hugs and a wish on a star for you and the family.. ardy...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The concept of "hitting rock bottom" is a little ridiculous. Many, many addicts don't have a bottom at all, and would never allow their minds to even think about what that may be. Addiction is progressive. Many times it cycles from functioning to barely making it. And then rinse and repeat. Sometimes they die and the family is left wondering why they never saw their "rock bottom."
Addicts are thinking about when they get their next fix. Sometimes they genuinely want to change, but the addiction is too much. However, it's not so bad that they want to not pick up or are unwilling to go through what it takes to be sober.
You cannot control how he acts or his behaviors, at all. Won't happen. What you can do is control how you react, and what choices you put into place to protect you and your children.
A good face to face program will help you. You need that support. The best in my opinion is getting a counselor who helps families deal with addiction. Not for him, for you. That way, no matter what comes your way, you are in the right frame of mind to do the next right thing.
Hugs.
Addicts are thinking about when they get their next fix. Sometimes they genuinely want to change, but the addiction is too much. However, it's not so bad that they want to not pick up or are unwilling to go through what it takes to be sober.
You cannot control how he acts or his behaviors, at all. Won't happen. What you can do is control how you react, and what choices you put into place to protect you and your children.
A good face to face program will help you. You need that support. The best in my opinion is getting a counselor who helps families deal with addiction. Not for him, for you. That way, no matter what comes your way, you are in the right frame of mind to do the next right thing.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Another person's addiction is the easiest thing in the world to take personally. I know how frustrating this is. He's trapped himself in the middle of a cyclone and it still isn't bad enough for him to try to find his way out...but it isn't even remotely because you or your children are "not worth it." It's just too hard for him.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
IMO, addiction at a certain point is most like having the body taken over by a parasite...and that parasite first gets rid of anything that might interfere with getting fed. So it attacks the parts of the brain that involve higher intellectual processes like responsibility, love for others, and the cognitive ability to accurate evaluate the situation.
He doesn't care about you or your children because the addiction has erased that part of him...it might interfere. As for hitting rock bottom...it takes an enormous amount of strength and mental clarity for an advanced addict to even realize they're close to it. In the end, nothing exists but the need.
It isn't you, it isn't anything you did or said or are. It's a biochemical process that can only be stopped by the addict.
I hope you can find some real life support.
Sending you a hug.
He doesn't care about you or your children because the addiction has erased that part of him...it might interfere. As for hitting rock bottom...it takes an enormous amount of strength and mental clarity for an advanced addict to even realize they're close to it. In the end, nothing exists but the need.
It isn't you, it isn't anything you did or said or are. It's a biochemical process that can only be stopped by the addict.
I hope you can find some real life support.
Sending you a hug.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sunshine...
When you ask, Why am I not worth it?, you're asking that question within the context of what constitutes healthy, normal adult behavior. The problem with asking that question is that context is non applicable once you convolve addiction into the picture.
In other words, this isn't about you. It's not about your two kids. This is exclusively about him.
It's very, very important that you understand that addiction is all encompassing. The only thing that matters to someone in active addiction is maintaining the feeling of being under the influence. And towards that end, the addict will do anything and everything to get to that place. Family doesn't matter. Friends don't matter. Self responsibility is suspended, let alone responsibility to others. And this is how things are going to be until your AH decides enough is enough and follows that decision up with treatment and some sort of program.
Do what's best for you and your kids, while being mindful that what's best is not necessarily coterminous with what you want.
When you ask, Why am I not worth it?, you're asking that question within the context of what constitutes healthy, normal adult behavior. The problem with asking that question is that context is non applicable once you convolve addiction into the picture.
In other words, this isn't about you. It's not about your two kids. This is exclusively about him.
It's very, very important that you understand that addiction is all encompassing. The only thing that matters to someone in active addiction is maintaining the feeling of being under the influence. And towards that end, the addict will do anything and everything to get to that place. Family doesn't matter. Friends don't matter. Self responsibility is suspended, let alone responsibility to others. And this is how things are going to be until your AH decides enough is enough and follows that decision up with treatment and some sort of program.
Do what's best for you and your kids, while being mindful that what's best is not necessarily coterminous with what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
((Sunshine)) So many valuable words shared here by some brilliant minds. So, I don't have much to add besides I am here for you, and I understand what you are feeling all too well. Don't leave us/the support you have here.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
As a recovering heroin addict and a loved one to a recovering heroin addict I can tell you with absolute certainty that a lasting true recovery cannot be built on wanting to be sober for anyone..not his wife, not his kids, not his parents, etc. Secondly, although to a healthy person it feels like he should see all he is losing and then reach out for help to safe his family and marriage...well addiction just doesn't work that way. I was actually "happier" when I got kicked out of the house and I had a reason to not answer my families calls because then I could just use, use, use without the guilt trips, without the questions, without having to be accountable to anyone, and without having to just deal with anyone at all. I am not saying this to sound rude or hurt your feelings, I am just trying to show you how the addicted brain is so demented and all consumed with the person's DOC that the thought process is so far out there that you can't compare what you would think a normal person would do in a situation.
He is going to stop when he decides that he finally wants to reach out for help, when he decides that the consequences outweigh the good, or when he gets arrested or runs out of money or ways to get money. For example, what it took for me to decide to get help was getting evicted and living on the streets for 3 months, having to stand in the middle of the road with a sign begging for money, I was tired of being sick all the time, and then my fiance got arrested so then I was alone living on the streets. If he didn't get arrested I don't know how long I would have gone on like that since as long as we were high everything seemed just fine.
Just because he is not ready or willing to help himself doesn't mean you have to just sit by and wait for him to decide to give recovery a shot. It can be years or never in some cases, so you need to really sit down and think what you are willing to put up with, what your boundaries are, and make a plan that is just for you and your children. Have you thought about going to counseling? That might be a really good first step.
I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I wish that a family could be the reason to get sober, or that love was strong enough to combat addiction but unfortunately it just isn't. I never thought I'd say my fiance getting arrested would be the best thing that ever happened to us, so maybe if he incurs legal issues he can at least have some type of wake up call.
He is going to stop when he decides that he finally wants to reach out for help, when he decides that the consequences outweigh the good, or when he gets arrested or runs out of money or ways to get money. For example, what it took for me to decide to get help was getting evicted and living on the streets for 3 months, having to stand in the middle of the road with a sign begging for money, I was tired of being sick all the time, and then my fiance got arrested so then I was alone living on the streets. If he didn't get arrested I don't know how long I would have gone on like that since as long as we were high everything seemed just fine.
Just because he is not ready or willing to help himself doesn't mean you have to just sit by and wait for him to decide to give recovery a shot. It can be years or never in some cases, so you need to really sit down and think what you are willing to put up with, what your boundaries are, and make a plan that is just for you and your children. Have you thought about going to counseling? That might be a really good first step.
I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I wish that a family could be the reason to get sober, or that love was strong enough to combat addiction but unfortunately it just isn't. I never thought I'd say my fiance getting arrested would be the best thing that ever happened to us, so maybe if he incurs legal issues he can at least have some type of wake up call.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Thank you all so much for your incredibly invaluable words. I have found such a great support system through this site and it truly helps me get through every day. I am seeing a counselor and although helpful, I find the advice and experiences shared on this website to be so much more helpful to me since you all have experienced first hand addiction. For the most part I have really good days where I know my decision to leave is the right one and that's so evident when I look at my beautiful children and know they deserve the best life has to offer. However, some days I take a step back and I'm just so sad about what my life is at the moment. Hugs to each and every one of you who has lifted my heart even just if its a little bit today. adelinerose Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with me.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by hope778
((Sunshine)) So many valuable words shared here by some brilliant minds. So, I don't have much to add besides I am here for you, and I understand what you are feeling all too well. Don't leave us/the support you have here.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Keep coming back, vent away!!! Many of us know all to well what you are going through.
Stay strong!!! and know you did the healthiest thing you could by removing yourself and your children from having a front row seat to addiction.
Stay strong!!! and know you did the healthiest thing you could by removing yourself and your children from having a front row seat to addiction.
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