Help with a teen!
 

Hello all! I hope you are all learning and growing and doing better than the day before! For me, all is going very well in general but now I have 14 year old in my life. He was found with a joint he was "keeping for a friend" I am looking for some words and experience from anyone who has hind-sight - what do you wish you would have done finding a joint that your child was just "holding for a friend?"

Hello, BayAreaPhoenix!

Sharing my hindsight: Looking back, I wish I would've know better at the time when my son was under 18 (and parents still legally responsible for him) and using a drug or drugs (never was disclosed actually 'what' he may have been using, in addition to marijuana [and alcohol] , since my husband and I were not permitted [HIPAA] to view tox screen results) to be proactive to recognize and to choose to not be in denial about (all the) lies and deceitful behavior on his part and the part of his friends to enable him to continue with his illegal activities.

We all know the "its my friends" excuse. When my son got caught at 14 he's 18 now I told him about the long line of addicts and alcoholics he comes from. I didnt shame him or make threats I wasnt willing to follow thru with.

I didnt test him even when I was sure he was lying to me. He says he wasnt I'm not sure.

I did bring him to an AA meeting not forced but to be honest I wasnt taking no for an answer.

He knows I'm a junkie and how hard I have worked to stay "clean"

I think i got thru to him and his friends. They all know they can come to me with anything. I wont freak out (sometimes I want to) but I wont. I wont force them to do anything. I will strongly encourage them. I will help them out of trouble with advice but not do it for them.

I think this approach has worked. At 18 thru 20 I have a been their rock. They have come to me with stuff that makes me really uncomfortable at times. I have had to go to parents with stuff about their kids that has caused problems in our and their relationship.

I love these kids! Kids make mistakes.

I really feel that you are born an addict. I know my kid has the genes. He's not perfect but he's ok. A few weeks ago I talked to my cousin about all of this she feels these kids are past it. I know it doesnt work that way but I can hope.

I guess the moral of the story is keep the communication open and be there. If they feel like they are being judged of forced they will shut down.

I get I wont be popular with some here but it is what it is.

Some type of light punishment.
No computer or game toys for a week or two ?

It's a rough call.
Especially when pot is now legal in many areas.
Understood -- his age does not allow this at any time.

MB

i think you need to approach this gently......not lock him in the basement for a week! the more parents PUSH on teenagers, the more rebellion is likely to arise. let him know your views on pot and WHY......and don't argue about whose it was etc. just that even tho pot may seem harmless, and maybe a lot of his buddies smoke, 14 is just too young to start experimenting with drugs.

this is a good time to share any personal experience you might have had with pot.

be honest
be firm
be fair

Guess I didn't do as well as I thought
 

Here I was patting myself on the back that I didn't post this message, but clearly I did. So now you know what I was going to post. At least it was the short version ;) You guys are awesome and have so much wisdom! :tyou

If they ask...
 

I have reread the responses, and while I thought I didn't post this, for other reasons, your responses have so much to give. If either parent ever does ask for my input I will share these with them! Thank you!

BayAreaPhoenix: Thanks for the thread. I find it helpful to read what others in this forum share.

I'm bothered by the "I was holding it for a friend" aspect. If it's really his own, I don't like the lie and that's one issue. But if he's really been holding for a friend, that's another case entirely. They have to learn that someday if they get arrested, the police are NOT going to believe them or care about this "friend" they were doing a favor for.

Start open talks now, life is too short not to be open, direct make sure he feels he can talk to you and be firm on boundaries. While many kids experiment, pot even pot is stronger than ever and can lead to so much more. Talk about what isn't a good idea! When there is already such addiction in the family it is imperative that he understands how easy it is to try and enjoy and move up the ladder to the next drug of choice. Peer pressure is huge at this age and he needs to know its safe at home to talk but not to smoke or bring drugs into the house. I wish I spent more time when pot was our starting point. I made light of it and wish I did more at that time to open up the communication instead of shear punishment,.

I used that excuse when I was a teenager. It's extremely unlikely it's a friend's.

No one bought that one! He's 14, so you know, us old folks are clearly out of our minds and stupid. :lmao: