PuzzledHeart

I haven't posted in a while. I've been trying very hard to detach from my sister - it's been easier since my mom has been feeling better. And yet it's harder because my sister started visiting the house on a more regular basis. I thought that since my mom was less sick, perhaps my sister was less scared.

I also thought, as did my mom, that my sister may have started visiting on a more regular basis because she wanted something. Unfortunately, that turned out to be true. Her ex-husband and she sold their house and I found out that the closing is apparently this week. She has apparently done nothing to find alternative housing, although various people have inquired about her plans in the past and she has assured them that she would take care of it.

So anyway, she asked my parents if she could move back into their house. My dad said yes, my mom said no. My dad said that they would be sending my sister's daughters the wrong message if they rejected their mother. My mom and I argued that all we'd be doing is enabling her. I also argued that she had since March (I'm being VERY generous here) to figure out alternative housing. One could argue that when she checked out on her marriage nine years ago and got involved with pothead boyfriend, she should have started laying the foundation for alternative housing right then and there.

My dad did set some boundaries. He's allergic to cats, so she can't bring her cats in. She cannot bring pothead boyfriend into the house, and both my parents are united on that front. They half jokingly say that she's waiting for them to die so she can get her inheritance, but they're seriously thinking about skipping a generation and having their money (if anything's left after long-term care) go straight to the grandkids after they turn 35. The thought of their hard earned money being used to support pothead boyfriend turns their stomach. And I think just a wee part of them is afraid of what will happen if they let her back into the house. (Although I do think my mom and dad watch WAY too much Dateline. But I digress.)

Here's the thing. My sister really isn't all that bad, comparatively speaking. She's delusional, financially irresponsible, and avoids problems until somebody else bails her out. However, she's never been in jail, she holds herself together in public, and she works as a yoga instructor (although we suspect she doesn't have a lot of hours. But she's mum on that part.)

At the same time, I happened to be there when she called up her 11yo daughter to ask my parents on her behalf if she could move into one of their rental properties. Part of me was just so shocked that she could even dream of dragging her kids into this (her daughters already reside with my parents, unofficially). An hour later, my sister decided to approach my parents directly. Both her daughter and I were pretty relieved. My parents said no, and they were actually amused that she thought she could make enough money to rent one of the units. They showed her the broker's ad, and that ended the conversation right then and there.

So what's the right approach? Is my dad right in stating that the best thing to do for the daughters is to bring my sister back into their home? Do we end up being cruel and heartless if we "send" their mother into homelessness? Or is it better to say, you have had more than enough time to figure out your living situation. You need to actually pound the pavement and find a place to stay. Or is this completely unrealistic given that there is the possibility that my sister just doesn't make enough to make rent? Her alimony also ends this year.

Or whenever my parents ask me for advice, should I say "I'm staying out of this one?" I've been saying variations of this throughout this whole drama, (ex. it's your marriage, it's your house) but when she brought her daughter into it I felt like I was being sucked right back in. I also have no idea what to say my niece about this, if anything at all.

I feel like my judgment is clouded from the anger I have towards my sister. I just feel that no matter what, she will never have enough love, she will always be a victim, and she'll always wait for somebody/something else to save her, whether its drugs or sex or whatever new fangled philosophy flits through the radar. My dad says she's mentally disabled/ill and so I should stop expecting so much from her. And then I get angry at HIM because he's given up on her. But maybe that's better that actively hating her. Who the heck knows.

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

AnvilheadII

I just feel that no matter what, she will never have enough love, she will always be a victim, and she'll always wait for somebody/something else to save her, whether its drugs or sex or whatever new fangled philosophy flits through the radar. My dad says she's mentally disabled/ill and so I should stop expecting so much from her. And then I get angry at HIM because he's given up on her. But maybe that's better that actively hating her.

i think this ^^^ is REALLY insightful! your sister most likely is a mentally ill person who probably will never be able to conduct herself in society with all the responsibilities of an ADULT.

and she has children. that changes EVERYTHING because whatever you do TO the parent, whatever boundaries you set for the parent, the child has to suffer the consequences. which no child should have to do . give the babies a safe shelter and THEN Figure out how to "help" the mom.

PuzzledHeart

Anvilhead, I always look forward to your no-nonsense advice. Thank you.

The kids already have a place to stay with my parents and her ex-husband. But my parents don't have official custody, my sister just drops them off whenever she feels like it, which ends up being 3-4 times a week. However, my dad is legitimately concerned that my sister's income won't be enough for her to rent a safe place for the girls.

Anyway the girls are 14 and 11. The eldest one barely speaks to her mother, but we don't know if it's just normal teenage angst or something else. We try very hard not to speak ill of their mother in front of them, although there have been a couple times where we've caught them listening in or we've slipped when we didn't realize they were within earshot.

But they're really awesome, amazing kids. I like to think that my sister reserved her very best behavior for them before she lost herself nine years ago.