Queenbee7

I have a question I feel I need answered as I'm going through this right now. My addict husband has been repeatedly verbally assaulting me with very false accusations against me. Although I actually caught him doing what he accuses me of. (Of course he denies it, it's not his or his phone or whatever)
He has put on a big show of being devastated, completely heart broken and shocked that I would do such a thing to him. I repeat.... I have done NO SUCH thing of what he accuses me of and HE was caught doing it.

And even though he walked out on our home and marriage and back to drugs he swears up and down "I'm the love of his life" etc. etc. etc.

Can anyone PLEASE explain to me the inner workings of Deflect and Deny? Do they really believe the other person committed the offense that they themselves actually did? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE????????????????

hope778

Can't explain it. I am sure it is simply doing/saying any thing necessary to deflect your attention from his PROBLEM to anything else - including false accusations. Of course we know the truth, but man are they great actors!

AnvilheadII

here is a tip - stop taking ANY thing he SAYS to heart. he is not sane. and his mind is not a place you want to hang out. you are trying to apply rational thought to insanity. and they don't mix.

ACTIONS

not

WORDS.

Dreamcatcher44

I think the addict lies to themselves and believes the lies to rationalize their using. They dont want to take responsibility for their actions so they deflect to take the burden off themselves and place it on a willing party. Key being...willing. Gaslighting is a common manipulation technique..u should check it out and in the meantime know ur truth and dont let his insanity infect u. Take care.

mkr86

My ABF does this to me as well. It's narcissistic projection. I will catch him flirting online with women, inappropriate conversations.... the works. My list is very long of different situations of things he has done involving other women. Could never prove he's cheated, but who knows. And what does he do? Turns around and point the finger at me accusing ME of the exact things that HE was caught red-handed Doing. And let me tell you, there is nothing that makes me want to scream and rip my hair out more than having someone get all emotional and crazy over a made up accusation. especially when it's something they are doing themselves. I live this reality every day almost, I truly feel your pain And frustration.
I find the only way to deal with these types of projections is to NOT engage. Don't defend yourself, don't act appalled. Just don't engage. Let him go off, vent, accuse, get angry.
Just walk away. He is projecting his feelings of guilt onto you for his own behaviors and you don't have to stand for it.

sunny053

Yep Mkr is spot on...it's called projecting - he KNOWS deep down that what he has done is wrong, and the only way for him to cope/deal with the fact that he has done something bad is to project that same thing onto someone close by who he feels comfortable with...i.e. you.

I would give the same advice - don't engage or bite onto what he is saying. You know he's being irrational and none of it is true. He is lying to himself and taking it out on you. From what I've experienced with my addict ex, a person who is using has so much built up pain, frustration and anger. Projecting their own insecurities and indiscretions onto a person who they know they can abuse/insult with no consequences is a coping mechanism and an outlet for their anger. Don't get sucked in by it. I know it can be really hard not to react, but the best thing you can do is keep calm and do your best to diffuse the situation. When his anger passes, he's probably more than aware of how irrational he sounds.

Sending hugs your way, you can do it xx

F50Lurker

When he accuses you of doing "it," do you reply with devastation and heartbreak and a big show? Would a normal person respond like that? Probably not. The shock is all for show, and to deflect the attention back to what a horrible person YOU are for even thinking such a thing.

Ann

What Anvil said. You cannot reason with insanity.

Queenbee7

Yes, when I respond back to his ridiculous accusations he successfully maneuvers ALL the attention off of his established "Bad Behavior" and Somehow I end up looking like the guilty one and we end up spending the whole time having me over and over again defend myself, explain etc. etc.

And at the end of it all he acts like now he has a Good Excuse to continue in his Drug Use

AnvilheadII

then you stop the arguments, the feedback. stop giving him a sounding board for his insanity. it's the only way. you just have to STOP.