New and trying to piece things back together...

Old 05-27-2016, 12:09 AM
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New and trying to piece things back together...

I have also been using SMART Recovery, while awesome, doesn't have as nearly an active forum for loved ones so I decided to join the discussions here as well.


I am a 24 year FTM who has been with an addict for the entirety of her 20's and things have just gotten so bad lately that this the first time I am actually seeking support.

He is 33 and got into benzos and opiates in his early-20's. He was clean and on Suboxone when we met and wasn't shy about his past. He had a major opiate relapse that turned into IV heroin use in 2014 for which he did about 4 weeks in rehab that Summer. The benzos were always back and forth with varying severity despite him staying away from the other junk. He even was using them again maybe two months out of inpatient treatment.

I honestly feel like we've been in a 2 year slump because of Xanax especially these last few weeks where he started getting hostile with me over setting boundaries and was spending hundreds on pills. Overall, feeling neglected and used. Even when things weren't chaotic, he has just been complacent and unproductive for so long. I know it is depression mixed in,but, you can't get help if you don't try regardless of the issue. He is in his 3rd rehab stint of his adult life as of 2 days ago and I just hope that we find long-term peace.

I know he wants to do better especially for our unborn son who will be making an appearance in just under 3 months. It's a matter of him finally fully dedicating himself to his recovery. He has had the support, but, isn't using it properly. Wish us luck.
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Old 05-27-2016, 05:23 PM
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I am sorry his addiction continues and hope you can find some happiness for yourself and your unborn child...it's not likely he will be a responsible dad unless he finds a better path soon. Wanting that and making it happen may be two different things.

I am glad you found us.

Hugs
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:16 PM
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Thanks for the well wishes, Ann. I actually learned this was the 5th time recently. It never crossed my mind to know every detail, but, it does worry me.

He is still wavering on when he comes home as it was voluntary which is a little stressful. I could deliver in as little as 8 weeks. Plus, my father is getting me a cheap apartment, but, a condition of him being able to stay there is employment. Both are contingent on how well he feels on his second week coming up.

He seems really dedicated to this regardless especially because of our son, but, we'll have to see what happens when the structure is gone once again.
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:22 PM
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Welcome Miz! It sounds like you have a plate full at the moment.

Have you looked into Alanon? It has been a lifesaver for many. Also look for a copy of the book Codependent No More .

Let us know how it goes.
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Old 06-05-2016, 03:04 PM
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I really am on the fence about them and Nar-Anon because they seem to be the only in-person support near me, but, I was little confused why it also included the 12 steps which is a part of her book as well.

Perhaps I'll check them out online one evening along with my SMART Recovery meeting to get a feel.
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Old 06-05-2016, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by MizFormaldehyde View Post
I really am on the fence about them and Nar-Anon because they seem to be the only in-person support near me, but, I was little confused why it also included the 12 steps which is a part of her book as well.

Perhaps I'll check them out online one evening along with my SMART Recovery meeting to get a feel.
It sounds like you are amassing all the support you can. I hope some of it works for you.

Take care of yourself!
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Old 06-06-2016, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by MizFormaldehyde View Post
I really am on the fence about them and Nar-Anon
My only exposure to Nar-Anon was an opportunity to attend a meeting at the rehab where my son was a year ago. He was there 4 weeks, and each week you could visit on Sunday, but only if you participated in the family group session prior to seeing your family member. The other 3 family meetings were "ok" -- informative to me because I was so new and naive to substance abuse. But the last one I attended was actually a local Nar-Anon group who came in and ran a meeting. I was very depressed and sad by the end of it. The rehab's family meetings were empowering and talked about adjusting to life once our family member came home, healing ourselves, etc. But the Nar-Anon meeting was so negative. I have never pursued Nar-Anon because of that experience, which maybe isn't fair, because one bad experience may not be representative. I found talking to a therapist and reading info on line helped me more. That's how I found this site with these absolutely wonderful, supportive and informative people!!
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Old 06-07-2016, 12:46 PM
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JRM,

"...But the Nar-Anon meeting was so negative. I have never pursued Nar-Anon because of that experience, which maybe isn't fair, because one bad experience may not be representative....."

Obviously, what works for one person does not work for everyone. I am a faithful member of a Nar-Anon home group and will not miss a meeting if at all possible.

I find the meetings to be up lifting and not at all negative. We share our ups and downs as a group - yes, some things are negative but the overall experience certainly is not.

A wise member of our group described our meeting once as being like a group of people sitting around a campfire on a cold night in the woods.

This campfire is lit once a week on Wednesday evening. People bring to the campfire whatever wood they have collected through the past week. Some weeks, an individual has had a good week and has lots of wood to bring, other weeks you cannot find any wood no matter how hard you look.

Whether you have wood or not, you are welcome to come sit around the fire and share the warmth. Some weeks you are the provider and some weeks the taker.

The wood represents the positive happenings for the week which are to be shared with all. The warmth given off by the fire is strength and hope to fortify everyone for the week to come.

Sometimes that warmth only lasts until I get to the door to leave; sometime until I get to my car; sometimes until I get home; sometime a day or maybe two, but sometimes it lasts all week, and I have plenty of wood to take to the next Wednesday night campfire.

I can't remember if I read this here, somewhere else, or heard it at a meeting, but it sums up the spirit of my Nar-Anon experience:
"I found out my child was a heroin addict and I was devastated. I told a co-worker that I had known for years; they told me that I was a terrible parent and should be ashamed of my parenting skills. I went to a Nar-Anon meeting and told an entire room full of strangers........they gave me hugs and told me to keep coming back."

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 06-07-2016, 02:13 PM
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Because you have an unborn son, I am going to share with you a story of my family that just occurred last week.

My brother has a wife who is clean. She has been for 3 years. They have been together about 2.5 years. They had a son, and she had 2 children from previous relationships.

She just lost ALL of her children to CPS. Even though she is clean, CPS considers her as having exposed her children to harm by living with an active drug user.

Just because a person is clean does not mean anything when it comes to exposing children to an environment where there is drugs.
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Old 06-07-2016, 03:26 PM
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ForJimC60 - Chatted with my husband, looking for his recollection of that one Nar Anon we attended, and thinking back, maybe the reason the Nar Anon meeting I attended was so negative was because of who else was there. This was not like the meetings you attend where you and the others chose to be there. This was something mandatory during the "family session" that all family members who wanted to visit with their family member in the rehab "had" to attend. The other three weeks, when the rehab's therapist conducted the meetings it was a much more guided conversation, almost a lecture. With the Nar Anon meeting, people were more free to say what they wanted and I think it was the families that made it negative, not the Nar Anon people. That being said, I want to apologize if I sounded like I was being negative on what was helping you. That wasn't my intention. Sorry.
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Old 06-08-2016, 01:45 AM
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JRM,

No apology needed!

The tone of Nar-Anon meetings changes from group to group and even meeting to meeting - I certainly would not expect to see the program at its best from a group of families who are being coerced into attending......."you must attend this meeting if you want to visit with your loved one this week."

Our group tells newcomers that they should "shop around" to the different area meetings to see which group best fulfills their needs. We suggest coming to six meetings before deciding if the program is for you or choosing a home group.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 06-08-2016, 08:36 AM
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MizFormaldehyde,

"....I was little confused why it also included the 12 steps which is a part of her book as well....."

The 12 Steps of Nar-Anon differ from the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous by only 3 words, two words in Step 1 and 1 in Step 12; Steps 2 through 11 are identical.

Step 1, Nar-Anon: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 1, NA: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 12, Nar-Anon: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Step 12, NA: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The reasons can be simplified to say that, at least in the beginning of your journey, you are just as addicted to your addict as your addict is to their drug of choice and until YOU can recover from your addiction; you will never find inner peace and serenity. You probably call your attempts to "fix" them, love.

If you were not addicted to your addict, chances are that you would not be on a site such as this or seeking outside support from other groups; it is possible, but not likely.

A very wise and insightful lady before me once posted this here:
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not a one of us would be here." Truer words were never written.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 06-08-2016, 03:35 PM
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For JimC60 or anyone else who has attended meetings -

I've looked up Nar Anon meetings and there aren't very many near my house. Can I also attend Al Anon?
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Old 06-10-2016, 07:31 AM
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JRM,

Attend Al-Anon meetings? Of course, many of the issues you face are exactly the same - co-dependency and how you can and should break the cycle.

I have been told by a few people that some Al-anon members will look down on you because of their feeling - "at least my friend / spouse / sibling / child is addicted to a 'legal' substance". Just as some AA groups are more receptive / welcoming to drug addicts than others, so are the Al-Anon groups.

The same suggestions apply - shop around the various Al-Anon groups that are available to you until you find one that suits your personality and fulfills your needs - Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are both about you - not your addict.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 06-10-2016, 09:41 AM
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Thanks. For the time being I'm sticking to a couple of good friends, my therapist, my family and the info I'm finding here. I'm reading the steps and Just For Today readings. I'm trying to do things that make me happy (new book, taking a walk...) instead allowing myself to dwell in a state of perpetual anxiety. Had a great session with my therapist today, and put a lot of things in perspective, at least for now. Frankly if I felt unwelcomed at a meeting for the reason you stated, right now I think I'd fall apart, so I hope to be able to try meetings, but not yet. I do appreciate your advice.
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Old 06-10-2016, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by JimC60 View Post
MizFormaldehyde,

"....I was little confused why it also included the 12 steps which is a part of her book as well....."

The 12 Steps of Nar-Anon differ from the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous by only 3 words, two words in Step 1 and 1 in Step 12; Steps 2 through 11 are identical.

Step 1, Nar-Anon: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 1, NA: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 12, Nar-Anon: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Step 12, NA: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The reasons can be simplified to say that, at least in the beginning of your journey, you are just as addicted to your addict as your addict is to their drug of choice and until YOU can recover from your addiction; you will never find inner peace and serenity. You probably call your attempts to "fix" them, love.

If you were not addicted to your addict, chances are that you would not be on a site such as this or seeking outside support from other groups; it is possible, but not likely.

A very wise and insightful lady before me once posted this here:
"Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it could, not a one of us would be here." Truer words were never written.

Keep coming back,

Jim
I'm totally aware that I am not in control of his addiction. It was also difficult to set boundaries for somebody who wasn't going to respect them anyway until they were healthy again short of leaving which has limitations within itself. Robert Myer's "Get Your Loved One Sober" really helped on some of these things, though, I was already past the entering treatment realm of it

I guess what bothered the most was that it made it sound like the loved one of the addict did something wrong in steps 4-11. It had a negative tone as opposed to supportive and empowering.

I am also not Christian and dislike how black & white in addition to monopolistic their addict group counterparts come off. His counselor is trying to find something for me that doesn't revolve around the 12 steps as she understands my concerns and, but, says it may be difficult as many are for parents of addicts/alcoholics if not for the one in recovery themselves or far from me. He will be there until the 23rd now as the course of his treatment has become more concrete. We had a group phone conversation this morning.

This seems promising, but, I will have to see if medicaid is accepted for the services I need. I can't post links yet so sorry for the storybook. Aha.


Relationships iN Recovery (RNR)
A 5-week group program for spouses/partners of those with addictions

Weekly Support: The groups meet weekly for 1 ˝ hours
Small Size: The group size is limited to 5 -10 participants
Short Waiting Period: The waiting time for the next group is 1 – 4 weeks.
Focus on Your Needs: Each group cycle is designed to center upon your unique needs
Empowering: Every RNR cycle is intended to empower you to be better able to respond differently, and with increased self-care, to your spouse/partner’s current addictive behavioral activity, whether Active Addictive Behaviors; Transition/Abstinence; Early Stage of Active Recovery; or Long-term/Well Established Recovery Lifestyle.
Convenient: Located in Northeast Philadelphia
Affordable:

Can Relationships iN Recovery (RNR) Help You?
Marital relationships are extremely vulnerable during the transitional stage of recent abstinence: the “in-between” time of prior escalating addictive behaviors and the time of living established long-recovery. Dr. Gene Devers designed Relationships iN Recovery (RNR) group for committed partners, just like you, and to help stabilize your relationship with your spouse/partner. He developed RNR in response to and in collaboration with folk feeling confused, angry, afraid, and overwhelmed by their spouse/partner’s recently achieved sobriety. Dr. Devers created RNR to coach you in learning how to successfully care for yourself, your children, and your relationship, starting now during this time of “in-between”.

RNR was designed to:
· Inform

· Encourage

· Support

· Challenge

RNR is intended to be a safe place in which you can participate in a supportive transforming group, which mirrors the process and attention that your spouse/partner is so actively involved.


To reserve your place in the next RNR group please contact Dr. Gene Devers. Make the 5-week commitment to benefit from all th at RNR has for you and your marriage. He is eager to coach you to embrace this “in-between” time as the pathway to peace.

Together, We Can:

Discover Better Solutions
Develop New Possibilities
Discern The Sacred
Design An Improved Process of Change©


A full-range of additional services available for you and your loved ones:
addressing relational adjustments throughout the entire recovery process:

Individual Counseling
Family Counseling
Couples Counseling (when timely appropriate),
RNR Couples Groups are for those with a spouse/partner who is active in their recovery program
Ongoing series of RNR groups.


I have had a lot going on that I have only been popping on forums here and there .Plus am currently living with family where there is not a lot of privacy and getting around now going on 30 weeks pregnant is a chore,but, suppose I will still check one out before I write it off.
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Old 06-10-2016, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by JennaRoseMadre View Post
For JimC60 or anyone else who has attended meetings -

I've looked up Nar Anon meetings and there aren't very many near my house. Can I also attend Al Anon?
Really glad you asked. I am a grateful member of Alanon and I volunteer with our outreach at the local rehab centers. In our local area, Alanon is the most widely available program. There is basically a meeting every day of the week. Naranon and Celebrate Recovery meet once a week. I tell the families that no matter what the substance, addiction is addiction and even though our literature refers to "alcohol" and "the alcoholic" the principles are the same, and they are welcome at any meeting. And also that if Alanon isn't their cup of tea, they should explore other options for help in dealing with their loved one's addiction. My experience lies with Alanon, so that's what I share, but I make sure to encourage the families to seek out any type of help-other meetings, counseling, church groups, etc- because no one should have to walk that road alone.
My home group has a lot of moms whose adult children struggle with alcohol or drugs. We make room around our table for anyone who is suffering and our fellowship is very strong and welcoming to all newcomers, no matter what their personal struggle.
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