Help :( Girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me after rehab.
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Join Date: May 2016
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Help :( Girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me after rehab.
Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum. Hoping to gain some insight into my devastating situation. I just feel so lost and confused. Any help would be greatly appreciated. So onto the story, it's long but bear with me:
Ok so about a week ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. She is only 2 months sober (from a 10 year struggle) from mainly alcohol and heroin but she would supplement with whatever else she could find of she didn't have her two faves. She went to an in-patient rehab for one month and since she's been out she's been doing really well, working the program, going to meetings every day, meeting with her sponsor. She's on her 4th step in AA.
When she hit bottom we were in a long distance relationship for only 6 months bc she was doing an internship at a university but she would come home every weekend. While she was away I think that's when her alcohol problem intensified. But the entire 2 years we were together I NEVER knew she had any sort of problem. When we first met she had told me that she used to be an addict but was long since recovered. If i knew then what I know now about addiction in general I wouldnt have believed that for a second. I always thought that after being sober for so long you could eventually take a drink and it not lead to full blown relapse so easily (going off of what the movies have you believe). I never knew that the addict/alcoholics brain was like a dam that was always full and that the first taste of alcohol or some substance would cause the damn spill over uncontrollably. Anyway she was SO good at hiding it, I'm still impressed/appalled and slightly scared of how sly she really was and how blind I was.
So, apparently I never knew her sober. But ya know, our relationship was so great! We were so in love! Or at least it seemed. I mean I've read that addicts and alcoholics don't "feel" while they're using. And my ex did say that she used so that she wouldn't feel, but it doesn't make sense bc she always seemed so present and passionate with me and she used to say things like "I feel like I love you more than you love me" etc. all the while she was using the whole time. We never fought, we talked about getting married and we would look at other couples and be like "oh they don't have what we have, our relationship will stand the test of time." She was/is the love of my ******* life. And she still claims even after we've broken up, that it was real for her and she did love me. But she says her feelings have just changed. She can't tell me why.
After rehab she became emotionally distant, which I hear is common. I went to visit her once in rehab, and it was so good to see her. She looked happy, healthy, was smiling bigger than I'd ever seen her smile, and the way she looked at me was with so much love. Again she was feeling, and she said it felt so good to finally feel again.
Once she got out, it was good for about a week. Then for some reason she didn't seem present with me at times. I chalked it up at first to the readjustment period. I knew she had to leave her internship behind, and even her car and all her things were left there. She had no money, and I figured it must have felt like getting out of prison or something. It would get better and then worse again. A cycle. And she told me about PAWS. She told me I realized her emotional distance before she did and she could only attribute it to PAWS. But assured me that she loves me and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together and this is just a temporary glitch. I felt better. Due to her distance and knowing what she is capable of as far as lying and hiding things, I had become a bit paranoid, understandably so. She said she didn't blame me at all and she'd do whatever she could to regain my trust, if it meant letting me go through her phone, or random drug tests etc. So at first I was paranoid about her relapsing but then I started getting paranoid about this girl in her AA group. I discovered that she had feelings for my now ex and my ex continued to hang out with her. She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about her and I don't need to worry. She apologized for not telling me and anytime she was going to see her she would let me know and ask if it was ok? I tried to be the understanding gf and i told her it was ok. Few days or week later I find a text on her phone to this girl that I find to be flirty. It wasn't too incriminating but could be taken the wrong way by me (her gf) and could give hope to the girl that has feelings for her. I called her out in it and asked why she would say something like that to someone she knows has feelings for her. I asked her to look at it from my perspective and she apologized and agreed she would also be upset if she saw something like that on my phone. However, after both of us taking turns crying it out, she then suggested that we take a break from the relationship.
After a few days the break eventually led to a break up, I guess because I had so many questions as to want went wrong and she had absolutely no answers. At first all she could tell me was that she wasn't sure if she was in love with me anymore and she didn't know why. She said she thinks her feelings changed after rehab. She said she still saw a future with me and wants the relationship to work but that how can she love me when she doesn't even love herself. She said she just needs to be alone to figure out who she is and what she wants and doesn't want to string me along. I kept getting hung up on the part where she said she wasn't sure if she was in love with me or not. How can you not know??? How??
I gave her a few days to think and I tried not to put much pressure on her and tried to leave her alone so she could process in hopes that she would have a moment of clarity and at least be able to tell me why. We hung out a couple nights ago and it was pretty great and she was actually even flirting with me. Saying how pretty I was and cuddling with me etc. it was all initiated by her. Then I asked her if her feelings were starting to come back at all and she stopped and after a minute she said no. She still sees me as just a friend. And I'm like well how can you just cuddle me and tell me how pretty I am and be looking at my mouth all longingly and have the audacity to say that you're not attracted to me and only see me as a friend right now. She said it's more like just familiar and comfortable but that it doesn't mean she wants a relationship. She said she would just end up feeling the same way and we'd have to break up all over again. Like she's just sure she'd feel the same way? She said she sees a future with me but not sure if it's romantically or just as a friend. She said she just doesn't have room for a relationship. But she still says that I'm perfect and perfect for her and compatible but yet she's not attracted to me anymore and doesn't have the same feelings for me. She STILL doesn't know why. And yesterday she said rather coldly that she feels like it's just over for her and that I should accept it and move on. She doesn't want a relationship with me, at least not right now. I said you don't just fall out of love for someone that fast! She claims it happened after rehab. But then she said that maybe it was before and she was in denial but she just doesn't know.
Ok I'll wrap it up, God bless any of you who took the time to read that. I'm just so lost and I have yet to find anyone who can relate to what I'm going through. I don't know if it's her new sober brain and she's confused and maybe she'll change again and find her way back to me once she finds herself. Or if it's my worst fear and it really is just over. We were always there for each other. We were great. She had an affair with drugs and alcohol but at the same time she always seemed so sincere when it came to "us". Please help, i need it.
Ok so about a week ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. She is only 2 months sober (from a 10 year struggle) from mainly alcohol and heroin but she would supplement with whatever else she could find of she didn't have her two faves. She went to an in-patient rehab for one month and since she's been out she's been doing really well, working the program, going to meetings every day, meeting with her sponsor. She's on her 4th step in AA.
When she hit bottom we were in a long distance relationship for only 6 months bc she was doing an internship at a university but she would come home every weekend. While she was away I think that's when her alcohol problem intensified. But the entire 2 years we were together I NEVER knew she had any sort of problem. When we first met she had told me that she used to be an addict but was long since recovered. If i knew then what I know now about addiction in general I wouldnt have believed that for a second. I always thought that after being sober for so long you could eventually take a drink and it not lead to full blown relapse so easily (going off of what the movies have you believe). I never knew that the addict/alcoholics brain was like a dam that was always full and that the first taste of alcohol or some substance would cause the damn spill over uncontrollably. Anyway she was SO good at hiding it, I'm still impressed/appalled and slightly scared of how sly she really was and how blind I was.
So, apparently I never knew her sober. But ya know, our relationship was so great! We were so in love! Or at least it seemed. I mean I've read that addicts and alcoholics don't "feel" while they're using. And my ex did say that she used so that she wouldn't feel, but it doesn't make sense bc she always seemed so present and passionate with me and she used to say things like "I feel like I love you more than you love me" etc. all the while she was using the whole time. We never fought, we talked about getting married and we would look at other couples and be like "oh they don't have what we have, our relationship will stand the test of time." She was/is the love of my ******* life. And she still claims even after we've broken up, that it was real for her and she did love me. But she says her feelings have just changed. She can't tell me why.
After rehab she became emotionally distant, which I hear is common. I went to visit her once in rehab, and it was so good to see her. She looked happy, healthy, was smiling bigger than I'd ever seen her smile, and the way she looked at me was with so much love. Again she was feeling, and she said it felt so good to finally feel again.
Once she got out, it was good for about a week. Then for some reason she didn't seem present with me at times. I chalked it up at first to the readjustment period. I knew she had to leave her internship behind, and even her car and all her things were left there. She had no money, and I figured it must have felt like getting out of prison or something. It would get better and then worse again. A cycle. And she told me about PAWS. She told me I realized her emotional distance before she did and she could only attribute it to PAWS. But assured me that she loves me and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together and this is just a temporary glitch. I felt better. Due to her distance and knowing what she is capable of as far as lying and hiding things, I had become a bit paranoid, understandably so. She said she didn't blame me at all and she'd do whatever she could to regain my trust, if it meant letting me go through her phone, or random drug tests etc. So at first I was paranoid about her relapsing but then I started getting paranoid about this girl in her AA group. I discovered that she had feelings for my now ex and my ex continued to hang out with her. She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about her and I don't need to worry. She apologized for not telling me and anytime she was going to see her she would let me know and ask if it was ok? I tried to be the understanding gf and i told her it was ok. Few days or week later I find a text on her phone to this girl that I find to be flirty. It wasn't too incriminating but could be taken the wrong way by me (her gf) and could give hope to the girl that has feelings for her. I called her out in it and asked why she would say something like that to someone she knows has feelings for her. I asked her to look at it from my perspective and she apologized and agreed she would also be upset if she saw something like that on my phone. However, after both of us taking turns crying it out, she then suggested that we take a break from the relationship.
After a few days the break eventually led to a break up, I guess because I had so many questions as to want went wrong and she had absolutely no answers. At first all she could tell me was that she wasn't sure if she was in love with me anymore and she didn't know why. She said she thinks her feelings changed after rehab. She said she still saw a future with me and wants the relationship to work but that how can she love me when she doesn't even love herself. She said she just needs to be alone to figure out who she is and what she wants and doesn't want to string me along. I kept getting hung up on the part where she said she wasn't sure if she was in love with me or not. How can you not know??? How??
I gave her a few days to think and I tried not to put much pressure on her and tried to leave her alone so she could process in hopes that she would have a moment of clarity and at least be able to tell me why. We hung out a couple nights ago and it was pretty great and she was actually even flirting with me. Saying how pretty I was and cuddling with me etc. it was all initiated by her. Then I asked her if her feelings were starting to come back at all and she stopped and after a minute she said no. She still sees me as just a friend. And I'm like well how can you just cuddle me and tell me how pretty I am and be looking at my mouth all longingly and have the audacity to say that you're not attracted to me and only see me as a friend right now. She said it's more like just familiar and comfortable but that it doesn't mean she wants a relationship. She said she would just end up feeling the same way and we'd have to break up all over again. Like she's just sure she'd feel the same way? She said she sees a future with me but not sure if it's romantically or just as a friend. She said she just doesn't have room for a relationship. But she still says that I'm perfect and perfect for her and compatible but yet she's not attracted to me anymore and doesn't have the same feelings for me. She STILL doesn't know why. And yesterday she said rather coldly that she feels like it's just over for her and that I should accept it and move on. She doesn't want a relationship with me, at least not right now. I said you don't just fall out of love for someone that fast! She claims it happened after rehab. But then she said that maybe it was before and she was in denial but she just doesn't know.
Ok I'll wrap it up, God bless any of you who took the time to read that. I'm just so lost and I have yet to find anyone who can relate to what I'm going through. I don't know if it's her new sober brain and she's confused and maybe she'll change again and find her way back to me once she finds herself. Or if it's my worst fear and it really is just over. We were always there for each other. We were great. She had an affair with drugs and alcohol but at the same time she always seemed so sincere when it came to "us". Please help, i need it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
She had an affair with drugs and alcohol but at the same time she always seemed so sincere when it came to "us".
The relationship began on a foundation of deceit with an active addict almost like a whole separate person then who she is sober today.
She is in a process of change in her life, a relationship is not a priority her sobriety is and she needs to do what she needs to do for her life.
Ending hurt and are very painful especially with so many mixed emotions to work through.
I helps to see the reality of the entire situation rather than the dreams of what could have been.
I am sorry you are going through this, it stinks.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Tot...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but I hope you take some comfort in the fact that we know what you're going through. I, too, was on the receiving end of a breakup. You can search my post history circa early 2012 for details.
It's very, very important that you understand that abstaining from using drugs is not the same thing as being sober. Two months is not a long time. And the thing you need to understand about heroin is it permanently changes the brain chemistry of the user. Being under the influence of heroin is being in a state of bliss, albeit chemically induced bliss. There's no pain, no discomfort, no worries when one is under the influence. What do you think happens when that's taken away? All the feelings that were once attenuated come roaring back at Mach 10 and it feels like they're cranked to 11. All the while, the brain's going, We know how to make this go away. And it's easy.
So that's what your AXGF is going through at the moment. It's also important that you recognize you don't know the real her. She's been using for 10 years. She was with you for two of those years. You have no idea what kind of person she is once the drugs and booze are taken away. F*ck, she has no idea what kind of person she is once the drugs and booze are taken away. Her core remains to be seen.
So, I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I'm not necessarily sorry that you two broke up. If we give her the benefit of the doubt and she's doing all the things she's supposed to be doing, she's got no emotional bandwidth and cannot be a responsible, accountable partner in a romantic relationship. She's just trying to get through her life moment by moment, and that isn't easy. If she's up to no good, then you've dodged a bullet. Either way, you deserve better, and if that means you have to endure a certain amount of pain now in order to be healthier and happier later, then that's OK. Emotional pain sucks, but it won't kill us and it's preferable to staying with someone who is not emotionally available to us (or someone who is self destructing).
This is a longer response than I usually give newcomers. And the reason is I get what you're going through all too well. I've come out the other side of my ordeal just fine. If I can, you can, too. So I encourage you to read as many posts as you can and absorb what are members share with you. You can get through this. Your future may not be the one you envisioned with your AXGF, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good future without her.
Chin up. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but I hope you take some comfort in the fact that we know what you're going through. I, too, was on the receiving end of a breakup. You can search my post history circa early 2012 for details.
I don't know if it's her new sober brain and she's confused and maybe she'll change again and find her way back to me once she finds herself. Or if it's my worst fear and it really is just over. We were always there for each other. We were great. She had an affair with drugs and alcohol but at the same time she always seemed so sincere when it came to "us".
So that's what your AXGF is going through at the moment. It's also important that you recognize you don't know the real her. She's been using for 10 years. She was with you for two of those years. You have no idea what kind of person she is once the drugs and booze are taken away. F*ck, she has no idea what kind of person she is once the drugs and booze are taken away. Her core remains to be seen.
So, I'm sorry that you're hurting, but I'm not necessarily sorry that you two broke up. If we give her the benefit of the doubt and she's doing all the things she's supposed to be doing, she's got no emotional bandwidth and cannot be a responsible, accountable partner in a romantic relationship. She's just trying to get through her life moment by moment, and that isn't easy. If she's up to no good, then you've dodged a bullet. Either way, you deserve better, and if that means you have to endure a certain amount of pain now in order to be healthier and happier later, then that's OK. Emotional pain sucks, but it won't kill us and it's preferable to staying with someone who is not emotionally available to us (or someone who is self destructing).
This is a longer response than I usually give newcomers. And the reason is I get what you're going through all too well. I've come out the other side of my ordeal just fine. If I can, you can, too. So I encourage you to read as many posts as you can and absorb what are members share with you. You can get through this. Your future may not be the one you envisioned with your AXGF, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good future without her.
Chin up. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 11
Thanks for the replies, it has been about 3 weeks since we broke up I think, and I know if I had just cut off contact completely I might be somewhat moved on by now. But stupid me, I can't keep my **** together. I'm actually pretty good about not initiating texts, but as soon as she texts me, I've replied and already hit send before I can talk myself out of it.
Like a dumbass I've hung out with her once more a couple nights ago. She kissed me and we watched a movie and she layed on me throughout the entire movie. I asked her if she felt weird or nervous kissing me and she proceeded to tell me that her feelings hadn't changed and she doesn't want to give me false hope. She says it just feels familiar and comfortable. Well ****. Back to square one where I feel like I've been dumped all over again. I can clearly see that im only hurting myself here and it's not smart to continue to see her but I feel powerless, I'm just drawn to her and I can't let go.
I tried to make a list today of the reasons why i love her and tried to apply them to her new sober self. Basically she's still herself, only now she is emotionally ********, has like no empathy unless you bring an issue directly to her attention. She's still funny and her usual goofy self but not as fun to be around because just about all we can do together is watch a movie. Anything else and she shuts down. Forget talking about anything serious.
I feel so betrayed. She says she wants to work on her relationships with her family and friends and start being more present in available in their lives. But she doesn't think we should hang out much! 2 years together and that's what I get? Her telling me she wants to get closer with friends and family but she shuts me out, pushes me away, and dumps me! I am better off without her. Just hope I can keep convincing myself of that.
Like a dumbass I've hung out with her once more a couple nights ago. She kissed me and we watched a movie and she layed on me throughout the entire movie. I asked her if she felt weird or nervous kissing me and she proceeded to tell me that her feelings hadn't changed and she doesn't want to give me false hope. She says it just feels familiar and comfortable. Well ****. Back to square one where I feel like I've been dumped all over again. I can clearly see that im only hurting myself here and it's not smart to continue to see her but I feel powerless, I'm just drawn to her and I can't let go.
I tried to make a list today of the reasons why i love her and tried to apply them to her new sober self. Basically she's still herself, only now she is emotionally ********, has like no empathy unless you bring an issue directly to her attention. She's still funny and her usual goofy self but not as fun to be around because just about all we can do together is watch a movie. Anything else and she shuts down. Forget talking about anything serious.
I feel so betrayed. She says she wants to work on her relationships with her family and friends and start being more present in available in their lives. But she doesn't think we should hang out much! 2 years together and that's what I get? Her telling me she wants to get closer with friends and family but she shuts me out, pushes me away, and dumps me! I am better off without her. Just hope I can keep convincing myself of that.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm sorrt you're hurting...it's appropriate and you are being played here. I hope you can move on soon.
One thought...addicts are really charming when it helps them. They develop the ability to be incredibly good at reading their enablers and being who that person wants them to be, because it keeps their enablers engaged. I don't even think it's a conscious process. Add in the fact that many addicts are people pleasers to begin with...
The point is that you don't know who she really is and at this early point in her recovery, she doesn't either.
Wishing you happiness.
One thought...addicts are really charming when it helps them. They develop the ability to be incredibly good at reading their enablers and being who that person wants them to be, because it keeps their enablers engaged. I don't even think it's a conscious process. Add in the fact that many addicts are people pleasers to begin with...
The point is that you don't know who she really is and at this early point in her recovery, she doesn't either.
Wishing you happiness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Boy, can I sympathize with you. Had something very similar happen to me. Bottom line is that as others have pointed out, that when dealing with someone in active addiction, apparently their emotions just can't be trusted, no matter what they say. Sorry you are having to go through this, but time is the great healer.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Welcome Tot. Glad you found us.
This sounds super painful. I second most of what the others have said.
The rule of thumb is to stay away from an addict in recovery for an entire year. If she is truly in recovery, the person she will be may well be very different.
It looks like you are realizing that no-contact would be best for you. It is indeed super tough to do but allows healing for most of us in your situation.
Courage and strength to you!
This sounds super painful. I second most of what the others have said.
The rule of thumb is to stay away from an addict in recovery for an entire year. If she is truly in recovery, the person she will be may well be very different.
It looks like you are realizing that no-contact would be best for you. It is indeed super tough to do but allows healing for most of us in your situation.
Courage and strength to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Richmond, CA
Posts: 1
Hi Tot. I was wondering how things are going now. I am going through the EXACT same thing.
Ex-Partner has been an alcoholic for 2 years after her wife's death. She was in rehab 2x before for pain pills before she met her wife. She has had a rough childhood: molest, kicked of her house at 15, rape, slept with guys to have a roof over head at 15, meth, cocaine. Married at 19 to a man 20 years her senior- who hit her twice though he really did get her off the streets.
She and I got together and like your story everything was AMAZING- we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Then she tried to kill herself with alcohol after being depressed for 6 months (2 year anniversary of her wife's death) and ended up in the ER. All this time I had no idea she was drinking. She and her sister begged me to stay with her. So I did- and visited in rehab and supported her emotionally. One month after rehab she became more distant and the love started to dissipate. Then another month later she broke up with me telling me she didn't see us having a long term relationship, but she still wants me in her life and she cares so much for me. She said if she could stay in this relationship forever, she would, but something isn't right.
I know how it feels to have something feel so good and seem so perfect and right to it just being taken away with no explanation. It's so confusing especially when they tell you how perfect you are and how much they love you.
It's been helpful to read other's stories and experiences and words of wisdom through this forum. I hope you have been able to avoid contact with her so you, yourself, can grieve and heal. Everyone is different. I don't have the strength to be friends with her right now and not feel attracted and want what we had. Some people can do that. I just felt so confused and shocked that I have to figure out what the heck just happened. One minute I'm on a path to marrying the love of my life to them just telling me there's no future for us. I have learned through this relationship that I am a Co-dependent. And I have my own "addiction" to work on.
Hopefully you are truly taking care of yourself. It's not you. There's nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. She has an addiction, which probably means she is a sensation-seeker. And after 1 month or so after rehab, life may not be exciting enough, or she needs to work on the hard stuff, the adult stuff, which includes you- and she may be running from that. Who knows. Right now she has to take care of herself and you yourself. I hope this helps to know someone is going through the same thing.
Ex-Partner has been an alcoholic for 2 years after her wife's death. She was in rehab 2x before for pain pills before she met her wife. She has had a rough childhood: molest, kicked of her house at 15, rape, slept with guys to have a roof over head at 15, meth, cocaine. Married at 19 to a man 20 years her senior- who hit her twice though he really did get her off the streets.
She and I got together and like your story everything was AMAZING- we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Then she tried to kill herself with alcohol after being depressed for 6 months (2 year anniversary of her wife's death) and ended up in the ER. All this time I had no idea she was drinking. She and her sister begged me to stay with her. So I did- and visited in rehab and supported her emotionally. One month after rehab she became more distant and the love started to dissipate. Then another month later she broke up with me telling me she didn't see us having a long term relationship, but she still wants me in her life and she cares so much for me. She said if she could stay in this relationship forever, she would, but something isn't right.
I know how it feels to have something feel so good and seem so perfect and right to it just being taken away with no explanation. It's so confusing especially when they tell you how perfect you are and how much they love you.
It's been helpful to read other's stories and experiences and words of wisdom through this forum. I hope you have been able to avoid contact with her so you, yourself, can grieve and heal. Everyone is different. I don't have the strength to be friends with her right now and not feel attracted and want what we had. Some people can do that. I just felt so confused and shocked that I have to figure out what the heck just happened. One minute I'm on a path to marrying the love of my life to them just telling me there's no future for us. I have learned through this relationship that I am a Co-dependent. And I have my own "addiction" to work on.
Hopefully you are truly taking care of yourself. It's not you. There's nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. She has an addiction, which probably means she is a sensation-seeker. And after 1 month or so after rehab, life may not be exciting enough, or she needs to work on the hard stuff, the adult stuff, which includes you- and she may be running from that. Who knows. Right now she has to take care of herself and you yourself. I hope this helps to know someone is going through the same thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 11
Well fast forward to now, 5 months since I created this post..I've seen her change in a lot of ways. She's hot and cold a lot. She has good days and bad days. I've seen a lot of positive changes. She's more family oriented, trying to focus on her work, trying to be more emotionally present and understanding. We can have really long talks without her shutting down now. She even treats me like I'm her girlfriend, she's more affectionate and lovey dovey. But I have also caught her lying and hiding things. I know she cheated on me after rehab before we broke up, I finally got her to admit that. And I found out she flirted during rehab and her justification for that was "I'm sober now, i have a right to flirt" as if that's her reward for staying clean, since she can't get a high any other way. I found that out after snooping around. I shouldn't snoop, but I guess I feel like I'm not strong enough to distance myself from her, so I snoop bc I find something every time, and I think maybe the next thing I find will be bad enough that it will be easier for me to finally detach. I believe at this point that I'm finally starting to accept that we won't ever get back together. I don't see myself ever fully trusting her. I'll prob end up just driving myself crazy like I already am. Whenever I'm with her I feel somewhat detached, like I don't take her affections seriously, I don't assume she wants to get back together. And I've been fine with us just hanging out as friends. I've even started dating some. But whenever I'm with her I wonder if and what she's lying about or what she's hiding. But I also can't seem to make it a week without talking to her or seeing her. I feel like my willpower isn't strong enough to stay away. I know I'm totally codependent and I've been reading and doing research but it seems like it doesn't make much difference if I can't muster the strength to tell her I need this distance bc I'm too afraid of the reality of her not being in my life right now. Even if I know I'll be better for it in the future. So yea, haven't made much progress but I'm learning a lot about myself through all of it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tot....it sounds, to me, like you are more afraid of being alone without a relationship to fall back on.....
Join the human race...lol! this is a very, very, very common fear.
You are already starting to feel more detached from her...and, lost some of that "lovin feeling"...which is natural, and expected....and GOOD for you.
I suspect that this is less about breaking up with her, specifically...than it is about being out of a relationship.....
How do you progress from here.....Be more aggressive about developing a life of your own.....Make changes in your current life....
New people, new places, new things.....
get yourself some therapy and a support group......
Keep posting, here...lol....
Join the human race...lol! this is a very, very, very common fear.
You are already starting to feel more detached from her...and, lost some of that "lovin feeling"...which is natural, and expected....and GOOD for you.
I suspect that this is less about breaking up with her, specifically...than it is about being out of a relationship.....
How do you progress from here.....Be more aggressive about developing a life of your own.....Make changes in your current life....
New people, new places, new things.....
get yourself some therapy and a support group......
Keep posting, here...lol....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 2
Broke up with me after rehab
I to have someone I love that left me after she had been in recovery. So my point of view is how could she do this after all we have been through and I stood by her. I have never known anyone before her that was an addict. It's all new Pain to me. So you think because you love them you can fix them. I found this is the wrong way of thinking. I joined Al-Anon. It is for people that have been affected by another's addiction. It helps but the reality is I may never get my girl back. I have hope that she will learn and grow and do what she is suppose to do. Maybe some day she would return to me a better person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 2
Broke up with me after rehab
Originally Posted by Phonefirst 
I to have someone I love that left me after she had been in recovery. So my point of view is how could she do this after all we have been through and I stood by her. I have never known anyone before her that was an addict. It's all new Pain to me. So you think because you love them you can fix them. I found this is the wrong way of thinking. I joined Al-Anon. It is for people that have been affected by another's addiction. It helps but the reality is I may never get my girl back. I have hope that she will learn and grow and do what she is suppose to do. Maybe some day she would return to me a better person.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Het Tot
No one likes to be dumped especially after holding on to expectations of a relationship after them getting sober!!! I KNOW! You have two directions as a free man.
Chase after addiction as you like drama OR find some peace within your own skin and find a healthy relationship. Both are vastly different and lead to very different relationships. Your choice!!
AG
No one likes to be dumped especially after holding on to expectations of a relationship after them getting sober!!! I KNOW! You have two directions as a free man.
Chase after addiction as you like drama OR find some peace within your own skin and find a healthy relationship. Both are vastly different and lead to very different relationships. Your choice!!
AG
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Tot,
Aserjewajrwqkrui672354782y!!! I just typed a super-long, very articulate yet emotional response to your post. I was trying to say that the beginning of my relationship to my addict husband (ex, maybe, soon), was like the beginning of your relationship to your girlfriend. Then when I clicked on "post quick reply", my computer asked me to log in again and I lost the post. Aughhhg!
So in a nutshell, what I was saying was: 1) welcome, I am also new here. 2) your AG (addict girlfriend) is in recovery and does not know herself well enough to be able to have a healthy relationship, because loving someone means being responsible for that love, and she first needs to learn how to be responsible for herself and her emotions. 3) She probably flirted with another girl in rehab because she has boundary issues, I mean, she love-bombed you in the beginning of the relationship by making you feel as if you were "the one" (she was approaching love the way an addict would approach love), and this indicates she might have boundary issues. 4) Just imagine you are reading something really deeply emotional and empathetic towards both you and addicts in general, because I wrote those things before my computer told me to log in again. 5) You can't hold on to hope if you don't know what to hope for.
Finally, I said it's easy to talk the talk but walking it is like climbing up-hill with anvils strapped to your legs. I still think about my AH every day. I think about if he's eaten, slept, and is getting help, and if he ever did or still does love me. But these thoughts are crazy-making. If there is anything my AH is good at, he's good at getting what he thinks he needs -- not what he actually does need, like food and sleep, but what he thinks he needs like drugs and more drugs. If he thinks he needs a third wife (I was his second) to pay for his lifestyle so he can continue to drug, he will get one through any means possible. He acts this way because there's a big, freaking hole in his heart that should be filled with self-love, but is instead filled with self-hate. No one can cure that. I tried.
I hope that after some time, you will feel better about the choices you have to make. It's still early days for me. I think we will both feel better by the end of this year, I hope.
Aserjewajrwqkrui672354782y!!! I just typed a super-long, very articulate yet emotional response to your post. I was trying to say that the beginning of my relationship to my addict husband (ex, maybe, soon), was like the beginning of your relationship to your girlfriend. Then when I clicked on "post quick reply", my computer asked me to log in again and I lost the post. Aughhhg!
So in a nutshell, what I was saying was: 1) welcome, I am also new here. 2) your AG (addict girlfriend) is in recovery and does not know herself well enough to be able to have a healthy relationship, because loving someone means being responsible for that love, and she first needs to learn how to be responsible for herself and her emotions. 3) She probably flirted with another girl in rehab because she has boundary issues, I mean, she love-bombed you in the beginning of the relationship by making you feel as if you were "the one" (she was approaching love the way an addict would approach love), and this indicates she might have boundary issues. 4) Just imagine you are reading something really deeply emotional and empathetic towards both you and addicts in general, because I wrote those things before my computer told me to log in again. 5) You can't hold on to hope if you don't know what to hope for.
Finally, I said it's easy to talk the talk but walking it is like climbing up-hill with anvils strapped to your legs. I still think about my AH every day. I think about if he's eaten, slept, and is getting help, and if he ever did or still does love me. But these thoughts are crazy-making. If there is anything my AH is good at, he's good at getting what he thinks he needs -- not what he actually does need, like food and sleep, but what he thinks he needs like drugs and more drugs. If he thinks he needs a third wife (I was his second) to pay for his lifestyle so he can continue to drug, he will get one through any means possible. He acts this way because there's a big, freaking hole in his heart that should be filled with self-love, but is instead filled with self-hate. No one can cure that. I tried.
I hope that after some time, you will feel better about the choices you have to make. It's still early days for me. I think we will both feel better by the end of this year, I hope.
Last edited by OpheliaKatz; 08-12-2017 at 10:18 PM. Reason: I'm trying not to sound too confident, because I don't really feel confident.
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