Firesong

I didn't dump my ra friend. He dumped me. I don't know if it is his paranoia that caused him to do this, or just that he didn't need me anymore. I think I served a useful purpose when he was trying to quit, and I did find him a clinic, and that was working as of 9 months ago. So I'm glad that happened. I thought we were real friends, but maybe I was just useful.

He says he misses me, but he doesn't want to be in touch with me anymore. He says we can't talk anymore. All of this is because he has some idea I did something or said something, something he totally imagined out of his paranoia. And since we can't communicate, I can't correct his delusions.

I don't know how you can love someone and miss someone and not want to be with them. But there it is.

So I guess I shouldn't be here anymore. I still consider him a friend, but I don't guess he considers me one, so I don't belong here either. But I have learned a lot here. Thanks for that, everyone.

hope778

So sorry to hear about your hurt and loss. Addiction steals everything we love from us without a second thought. And we're left alone, sober, having to face the feelings (or emptiness) head on. I understand.

And since we can't communicate, I can't correct his delusions. Even if you were communicating, do you really think you could correct his delusions? You would be working against a strong, strong and likely overpowering force...

I don't belong here either. Of course you do. Even if the addict is out of our lives that does not mean we magically do not need support any longer. It means quite the opposite. The after shock of all you've endured is more than enough to warrant your belonging here for as long as you need. People remain in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon for life for this reason. We desperately need to be surrounded by individuals who understand the hurt and can help us through it - daily.

Hang in there.

Eauchiche

I too was unfriended and blocked from Facebook. I used to snoop at my ex's page once in a while just to see if he was still alive. He was putting up public photos, for my "benefit" I assume, of our pets and places he was going on vacation without me.
If you back away and look at all that, how juvenile!!! Do you really want to be friends with such a jerk?

Bekindalways

Big hug to you. This sounds super painful.

Of course you belong here Firesong. Anyone who has at anytime been in a relationship with a user belongs here. I haven't been in a relationship with a user in almost 30 years but I still struggle with the codependent characteristics that drew me to that man so long ago.

Alcoholics in recovery don't ever consider themselves cured. In many ways we codependents can be this way: always tending to try to fix others and not take care of "Our side of the street."

hopeful4

You have been touched by the big B that is addiction. Of course you belong here.

The fact is, there could be many reasons. He could be doing some things he does not want you to know about.

Addicts hurt other people on a frequent basis, that is a fact.

I am sorry you are hurting, but know that we are here supporting you. We are here for you to vent or talk or whatever you need.

zoso77

Firesong...

Using your logic, I don't belong here anymore because my AXGF dumped me 4 1/2 years ago. Just because your friend has left you does not mean you don't belong here. Of course you belong here. Of course you are welcome here. Never believe otherwise.

ardy

oh my Dear Firesong please don't leave us.. your aura is needed here so much...ardy

AnvilheadII

I can't correct his delusions.

by their very nature, DELUSIONS are UNCORRECTABLE. to the holder of said delusions, they are BELIEFS.

he sure SAID a lot of things, many of which directly contradicted each other, but what we really have to observe with ANYONE is their ACTIONS. (i just had to put myself thru a refresher course on this with my husband!). and in this case he has cut off communication.

THAT is the fact, that is what we work with. we can tie ourselves in knots trying to get IN to their heads, and to no avail. doesn't make it sting any less, but keeps it from stinging anymore.

Firesong

Thank you, everyone! (You see, I am back.)

Trying to correct his delusions is what got me blocked. I posted a cute picture on his sister's page that I knew she would like (we were friends too) and he saw it and told me it wasn't cool to contact her (it's none of his business as far as I'm concerned). How he could get into her PM access to reply to me was a little scary. He replied from her page, not from his. So, trying to be private and NOT involve anyone else, I sent him a PM trying to say very nicely that I had never said those things he'd imagined. I told him to please stop saying I had. I hoped he would respond somewhat reasonably wanting to talk, but he blocked me.
How can he be so scared of me?

I don't want to be addicted to him. But the truth is, when we were first friends he was a wonderful friend. Yeah, he was using, but he was a nice guy. It was after he quit that he turned into a stranger.

I have no idea if he's still in recovery. It's weird that he become more paranoid after he quit using than he was when he was using. I have no idea what he's doing now, only that he's alive and well and working. And that really should be all that matters to me. But we were so much alike. We liked the same things. We enjoyed talking and just hanging out together. And now, because of something he only "thinks" I did, we aren't together (and I wouldn't have to worry about him using). I've lost a friend because apparently he never really cared for me as a friend, and he doesn't care enough about me to find out the truth of the whole thing. He isn't giving me the benefit of the doubt, even though a lot of people have done that for him. His family, his company, they have given him the benefit of the doubt about a lot of things for a lot of years, but it doesn't seem to have taught him that he should do the same for others. He has people in his life who have forgiven him and trusted him again because they care about him, but he hasn't forgiven me (even though I never did anything; he thinks I did), and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And I don't know WHY. I don't know why I am being punished for something I didn't even do, would never do, because he was my friend. It's like all that time together he never really liked me at all, he just needed something. I don't even know what it was he needed. It sure wasn't sex!

I don't think he ever valued me. I think he just used me while he needed to and then he just dumped me and walked away. Like some men use women for sex. (And like some women use men.) But we never had sex. It's like he didn't even want me for that.

Bekindalways

Good to see you are back Firesong.

Relationships can have a life of their own. Although it sure can be painful when they end and their really isn't anything you can do. It sounds like you have some grieving to do.

As much as possible, take care of yourself. Eat healthy and get a bit of exercise and if you have a hobby/sport/interest be sure to pursue it. This is a time to be super kind and caring to yourself.

Firesong

Thanks, Bekindalways. I am trying to be kind and caring to myself, and I find that when I do that, I actually feel better. I sometimes feel lazy and unproductive too, but I keep telling myself that I need a little kindness and sure as heck no one else I know is giving me any! All you here, however, are, and that means a lot.

Just as I read your post just now, I realized that I've needed that. I haven't been feeling like I deserve any kindness even from myself. Like I'm not worth it somehow? Why would I feel like I don't deserve kindness from myself, to be spoilt a little , and indulged? If I want to play on the computer, instead of "work" on anything, that is OK. Being kind isn't wasting time or energy.

He treated me like a yard dog sometimes, and that hurt, but it also made me mad, because I thought, "I deserve to be treated well. Everyone does. I treated him well."

But at the same time it seems I've been thinking I don't deserve any kindness from myself. I've been thinking that I need to just get over it and get on with my life. But I can't, not right now, not yet.

Bekindalways

Unfortunately, humans don't get to decide to "just get over it". We don't work that way. We have to grieve and heal. So give yourself time.

Besides indulging yourself, do some healthy things. Go to the Gym. Make yourself a good meal with lots of veggies and lean protein. Do some yoga. Meditate. Anything to take care of your body, mind and spirit.

Firesong

The craziest thing was women friends telling me to just forget about him. I thought, how can someone just forget about their best friend? They said he's not worth it. How can you have a best friend whom you care about and then just all of a sudden they're not worth anything to you anymore?

When someone kicks you in the gut you stagger around for awhile, trying to get your breath back and maybe there's more damage that's been done in the process. You can't just get up and walk away. If someone breaks your heart you can't just pretend they didn't.

I miss the smart, funny, caring friend he was the first year I knew him. There was no one like him. And it makes me angry that all the effort I put into the friendship, how I felt about him, that he said he appreciated, wasn't worth anything to him after all.

That's the only thing I can figure out that he dumped me, was because he never cared about me at all in the first place. He would say "I love you" and before blocked me he said he misses me, but you don't block someone you miss. You don't dump someone you really care about.

And I guess he's right because right after he dumped me I lost two other friends as well, one a new friend, one a friend I'd had for 30 years. I lost them all within a month of each other. None died, they just didn't want to be my friends anymore. Even the one who'd been my friend for 30 years.

hopeful4

They are telling you to forget about him b/c that is what is in your best interest. What they really mean is this:

Do what you have to do to move on. Accept it's over, do what's good for YOU. See that you deserve more. He is not nice to you, accept that. Don't have a relationship with his family, it only drags him in and will hurt you more in the long run. Stop engaging with him and accept that when someone blocks you, they do it b/c they don't want to interact with you anymore. They do this for all sorts of reasons, but namely #1 most likely to protect himself from feeling guilt or blame.

There you have it. Blunt, sad, but very true. It's OK to still care about someone from afar. It's OK to look back at those memories, but you also must accept who he is right now, and accept that you have to move forward b/c you deserve happiness and peace in your own life.

I don't say any of this to be harsh or mean. You have a kind heart, and you deserve someone who will treat your heart like glass, and never break you.

Firesong

Thanks, hopeful4.

Firesong

I just re-read your post and it made me think, what you said about taking care of "our side of the street." It's almost like we try to fix others because otherwise there IS no "our side of the street." Like, my life, my side of the street, my house and yard, don't exist without the person I love and want to help (or fix). It's like our work helping/fixing them sort of materializes our own house and yard

Does that make any sense? (I know I didn't use "materializes" "correctly" in that sentence but it made sense to me to use it that way. )

Seren

What you said is one way to perfectly describe co-dependency. The co-dependent's sole 'reason for being' is taking care of others. To get our purpose and direction in trying to fulfill someone else's needs. We get hurt, feel purposeless and directionless unless we feel we are needed by someone else.

What was difficult for me early on was realizing that I do have my own purpose, my own direction, my own likes and dislikes, and my own value--without it being given to me by someone else.

Sending healing hugs and prayers!
S